The Situation Gloom

S05E03

While Deena comes to terms with seeing Vinny's empty bed for the first time and gets emotional all over again, Sitch is hitting on Pauly's trick by talking dirty to her. Literally. He asks if she knows what "Che cazzo?!" means. Of course, she knows, it means, "What the fuck?!" He also says something involving "pecorina." Or at least that's what the trick things, but Sitch reiterates it again, and I begin to think his intended phonics mean "peckerina." The words are bleeped out, but I think he's talking about ummm... how to say(?)... men who want to be women but aren't there yet. As we know, Sitchy knows a thing or two about that. Despite all that Italian foreplay between Sitch and Pauly's trick, the two pairing resume their mating ritual and head to their separate rooms for the ripping of condoms and the smashing together of leather-skin. As the sun rises, Vinny arrives home and tries to act strong for his mom (who is practically licking him like kitten). Back on the Shore House roof deck, Deena is still crying.

The morning, Pauly and Sitch are set to celebrate their birthdays, which are a day apart. (Side note: Sitch is 16 days older than me. Should I feel like a pervy old man, too -- despite not being a man at all -- or should I celebrate the fact that I have reached this age while preserving a shred of innocence and a layer of my original epidermis?) [Note: Also, did you know that Pauly is actually two years older than Sitch? Doesn't that make you kind of like Pauly less? -- RS.] Long story short, the bros want to "go big or go home." Because that phrase apparently hasn't been retired yet. As they discuss, Snooki sees Jionni out and promises him, "I won't cheat on you." Two things: 1.) Vinny's gone, so obvs, and 2.) If that assurance has to be spoken out loud...

The Meatballs decide to day drink in honor of Vinny, like that's something unusual or special. They get on their cuca-exposing best and make a beeline for the Boardwalk. Deena backs it up on Snooki, Deena takes a body shot from Snooki's linty belly button, and a guy yanks Deena skirt down (yes, I said "down" not "up," as in "I don't need to see that!")... all in all, it's your average day in Seaside. Deena sees her sister Joanie, then the whole group of chickadees meets some token Boardwalk gays, and they get to dancing like nobody's watching. Snooki eventually gets so bombed that walking is difficult, and it looks like a third arrest is imminent. Somehow, she manages to stay on her feet long enough to get into a cab, and the crisis is averted.

So does she go home like a smart person? No! She heads straight to the carnival rides. Because if you're unable to walk and waiting for the explosive vomits to hit, the Tilt-A-Whirl is just what the doctor ordered. After that, Snooki still hasn't expelled her insides, so they engage in what appears to be some horrific hybrid of a Vogue-off and a krumping battle with the spindliest Seasiders I've ever seen. Somehow they make it back to the Shore House in one piece, though Deena's lower lips are on full display at this point, and the guys don't miss the chance to ask her what corner she worked before heading home. There are several minutes of drama when Deena cannot disconnect her cheap-ass clip-in extensions from her actual hair. She trusts Blow-Out Pauly and Fake Eyelash Falling Off Snooki to this task, and Pauly literally rips the fake hair out of her head. It almost makes Sammi's mid-fight extension removal circa Season One seem elegant and understated.

As JWOWW continues to yank out Deena's clip-ins and throw them into the full bathtub for "deep conditioning," the others get ready for the night. OMG, y'all. It's not even midnight. These kids get more accomplished in a day than I do in a week! Then again, what they accomplish is primarily liver destruction and self-abasement. Witness Ronnie's proud declaration that he's wearing skinny jeans and The Situation's gold(-plated) sneaker tags that say "Sitch."

And off to Karma they go! Sitch immediately locks eyes on Unit, who has totally foregone torso coverage and converted his shirt into a bolero jacket. Mark my words friends, this will be the guido trend of 2012. So of course Sitchy decides he wants to make Snooki's night a living nightmare. While Sitch essentially cockblocks himself, Pauly finds the Jersey equivalent of a bro-ho and leaves to git 'er done before the night has even really started. He explains that he feels particular urgency because she is Vinny's type, so he wants to smash her in Vinny's bed as an offering to his dear departure. I would try to deconstruct that sentiment, but I feel I would never return from its darkness, so... there.

There's a weird interlude where somehow Unit and The Situation are involved in a massive scuffle at da club, which provided just enough time for Snooki to abscond with her man and head home for some old-fashion smushing. Miss-uation: Not accomplished! He vows to carry on with his quest for vengeance.

The day, Sitch, JWOWW, and Ronnie report for work at the Shore Store. By "work," I mean JWOWW naps (that is, until she gets a vuvuzela to the ear from Danny), Sitch scams on hot chicks, and Ronnie bitches about how worthless the others are. Only Sitchy's endeavors appear to prove profitable, though, when he meets a fetching Bosnian chippy who gives him her number and hits him with this unforgettable line: "I want grilled cheese. With no crust." Why hasn't that line worked for me in the past? I want grilled cheese, too! Or mozzarella sticks.

Back home, everyone calls Vinny to check on him. They all admit they're coping with his absence in different ways. Some are smashed tattooed cougars, others are sublimating their excess sexual energy. Sammi... well, she's just being as bland as usual.

The sun sets, and the kids head out to celebrate the guys' birthdays. Sitch immediately spots the Bosnian girl from earlier, and they share a shot. "What are we toasting to?" she asks. Simultaneously, she says, "Grilled cheese, no crust," and he says, "Snuggle naked." Well then. Glad they're on the same page. Minutes later he has abandoned the Bosnian for his fuck buddy Paula, who is in a white bikini and shakin' it like the rent's due tomorrow. He decides he'll "give" the Bosnian to Pauly as a birthday present. So considerate! And not misogynistic at all! For her part, Deena is doing pretty well, too. When not straddling the taps on the bar top, she runs into the brother of a guy she made out with the year before.

They all head home, where Deena heads up the roof deck with her guy and pulls out her top-shelf hook-up lines, such as, "I may look like a nutcase, but I'm actually a good girl." Downstairs, Pauly is pretty much at the ultimatum stage with the Bosnian, telling her, "You can come to bed, or I can call you a cab." The girl just stands there in the kitchen and looks at Sammi with pleading eyes. She finally asks, "Can we just talk in the room?" Pauly: "I'll call you a cab." And he shakes her hand on the way out. Ouch! The gang discusses the treasonous actions of the Bosnian in the kitchen. They agree that the Bosnian didn't understand the rules of the house, and Ron nods knowingly, "That's why she doesn't belong here." Then he looks at Paula and says, "No offense." As if she would take offense. Trick gets it. Sammi characterizes Paula as a hippy, which is probably, like, the highest guido insult -- aside from "pale." Still, she says, it seems like Sitch actually may have some feelings for Paula. "I actually really like Paula," she affirms. "She may be dirty and grimy and disgusting... but she's just a really nice girl."

Sitch takes Paula up to smush, and downstairs there's a knock on the door. The Bosnian is back! What is it with Pauly and these persistent foreigners? She says she doesn't want to go home yet, that if he won't have her, she'll hang out with Sitch. Which validates Ronnie's point that she really doesn't belong here. Anyone worth their weight in spray tanner would realize that Sitch is even worse than Pauly when it comes to this stuff. More desperate? Yes. More welcoming to closed-legged pajama parties? Hell nah. Pauly tells her scornfully, "Go hang out with Mike." Of course, Sitch is in the pre-bang phases with Paula. He steps onto the porch to humor the Bosnian but gets an uncomfortable look that can only be explained by blue balls when she tells him, "Let's just hang out." It seems he's discombobulated because he sits down, then we learn he's really just biding his time because Paula is in the shower. The whole interaction lasts about 15 seconds, during which time Sitch basically says, "I'll tap you another time, girl," then peaces out. He knows on which side his bread is buttered. He even admits that there is a possibility with Paula that he could "get wifed up." In the meanwhile, downstairs, we bid, "Farewell, sweet Bosnian! We hardly knew ye."

The day, it's Pauly's actual birthday. He's sad Vinny isn't there but is really happy to find that about a dozen of family members have traveled down for the occasion. His mom even arranged for his "bah-buh" to come down and cut his hair. And, with that, we get to see Pauly's hair au naturel for the third time in Jersey history. I cherish these occasions. I really do. As he gets his haircut, even his mom is, like, "What's up with the hair?" Apparently Pauly's been rocking the blow-out for 10 years, and she has yet to figure out what's so great about it. I guess sometimes confidence is that ineffable thing the comes from inside... your follicles as they're covered with industrial-strength gel, ozone-depleting hair spray, and decoupage varnish.

Seeing Pauly's family, Sitch finds a way to make it all about him and feel sad that his family didn't visit. His worries will soon be out the window, though, because the girls of the house are planning a multi-stripper celebration. Oh wait, I forgot that this is The Situation. He takes every opportunity for bellyaching to the fullest. As such, Sitch has a sourpuss on his face the entire time the guys go out for dinner with Pauly's family. He excuses himself to wallow, desperately hoping someone will run after him and dote on him at the expense of Pauly. Of course they don't. They're eating delicious cake! In the absence of affection, he takes a bit of shuteye, but he's close enough that the rest of the party can hear him snoring like a wildebeest. They all have a good laugh at Sitchy's expense, and Ronnie tiptoes over to squirt frosting all over his face. I'm not sure if that plan backfired or worked out just right. After all, he did get attention, and that's all Sitch wants in life. He pretends to be upset, but you know he's loving it.

Back home, Sammi is putting finishing touches on another, homemade cake for Pauly, complete with an icing man with a little vanilla blow-out. I totally want that for my birthday cake. Six months from the day, people. Send it c/o TWoP! Sitch arrives home and continues his trail of guido tears in earnest now that he really isn't getting any personalized attention (or cake). This is the moment, it seems when, Darth Vader-like, Sitch realizes he can't straddle the line between good guy and bad guy. If the good side won't have him, then it will be the dark side where he finds his solace. All that toying with malice and second-rate scheming? That was Phase One. Now it is on.

The morning, Snooki bends over and notes casually that her ass is protruding. By which she means her a-hole. By which she means she's torn up from anal sex. Thanks for that info, Snooks!

Out in the den, Sitch sits and stares blankly into the distance as Pauly enters the room and takes a seat. The conversation that follows might as well be the one between Anton Chigurh and that poor schlub at the middle-of-nowhere gas station. Sitch has all the disaffectation of a sociopath, and yet! He also has jealousy. It's an ugly combination. Almost as ugly as his marigold gym shorts. He and JWOWW have a weird exchange when she wants the keys to the car, and she notices that he's acting odd. Alas, she doesn't give a hoot.

He tries to act like he doesn't care either, but the minute she leaves, he storms out to the porch, grunting and writhing, then slams the sliding door shut to make a big scene. Pauly reclines in the other room, totally aware of this but... again, what's his incentive to try to help? Elsewhere, Snooki and JWOWW agree that Sitch is "in a funk." And that appears to be the extent of the conversation. Not "What can we do about it?" or "How can we pull him out?" Just, "Yeah, that's happening. So... beat beating and tequila shots later?"

Sitch sits on the roof top and wipes away tears -- or just rubs his eyes. He claims to be an emotional person, which I think at least one wall in Florence can attest to. He says it frustrates him that, no matter how good he is, no one will ever see him as the good guy. Apparently his version of "good" is compulsively stirring up shit, assassinating his roommates' character, destroying their relationships, and being an unabashed egomaniac. Yeah, I could see where there might be a problem.

Sitch walks away from the house without telling anyone, and Pauly announces that he's "in the dip." Deena is the only one who has a split-second's worth of sympathy for Sitch, but she quickly acknowledges he puts this mess on himself. JWOWW is completely unsympathetic, and everyone else maintains their impassive, observational status, like, "Oh, our roommate may be in the throes of depression. Oh well. Beat beating and tequila shots later?" As you might have noticed, I'm somewhere closer to the JWOWW end of things. Basically, Pauly's birthday is over, and Snooki continues to not suck his weenis and/or break up with her boyfriend, so Sitch needs some other way to suck the air out of the room. What better way than to follow in the footsteps of one his roommates' favorite people and act like Vinny's affliction has hit him, too? It may be a played-out move, but it seemed effective just a day or two ago, so why not try it? If that fails, he can just go back to screwing with Snooki again.

week: New roommate! Strippers! Chick fight! Staten Island!