Previously: Deena was so excited to return to the Jersey Shore, she was like "a hamster in heat." How did I miss that soundbite? Vinny, on the other hand, developed a distinct chill towards the Shore House and its inhabitants after realizing home is where his heart is. Hookers, strippers, gorilla juiceheads and day-wasted roommates? That's all Seaside.
We return to the roof deck. Remember that time Snooki was hooking up with a guy here, and he threw up on her? Yeah. This isn't as fun as that. The cue card reads "FUMES" because that's what Vinny's running on. Despite the sage wisdom of Ronnie and the general nonchalance of Pauly, Vinny won't be consoled.
Back out at da club, The Situation meets up with one of his fuck buddies who he met in those blithe innocent days of Season 1. She was the one who drank rotgut champagne in the hot tub with Sitchy before banging him out in the open and then falling down the stairs. That didn't narrow it down enough for you? Oh well... Knowing she's a sure thing, Sitch moves to take her home. The whole gang runs home through a torrential rain storm, which forces Snooki to rely on Sitchy's kindness because Jionni has no more clothes. Insert Sitch's obvious "we share everything else" joke here. With humor as with hobags, our man Sitch doesn't resist a sure thing. For her part, Snooki is grossed out that Jionni is exposed to Sitch's cooties. "I hope they're clean..." says the girl who admitting to sleeping in the bed she peed in last summer. Once Sitch foists his underwear on Jionni, the guys go downstairs to cook. Sitchy calls the turn of events "ironic." I am pretty sure that is nowhere near the appropriate use of that word.
Plagued by her paranoia that The Situation might "do something stupid," Snooki mopes out of the kitchen. Because leaving Sitch unattended with Jionni is definitely going to prevent him from shooting off at the mouth? Apparently her gambit works because Jionni follows her without even eating his food. Generous of underwear and of spirit, The Situation carries the food upstairs and bangs on the door until Snooki opens it, so he can hand over the egg and bacon sandwich. Sitch blathers about being a "master of deception" and playing chess. He advises, "If you don't know how to play chess, maybe drop down and play checkers." That advice would be better suited for Ronnie, who -- as we saw last week -- does not understand the workings of either game. Also? What's all this talk of chess? Did the kids actually get some learnin' in Italy?
The morning, as Jionni and Sitch's trick leave, we're treated to a prolonged HoYay! exchange between Ronnie and Pauly. Frankly, it's unacceptable. I will only accept my gay innuendo between Vinny and Pauly. Alas, Vinny is too depressed not only to indulge in bromance but also to show up for work, and he flakes out on JWOWW and Sammi for the first portion of their Shore Store shift. When he does show up, he realizes that keeping himself busy will help with his creeping anxiety. Danny sees that Vinny is down in the dumps and invites him out for a one-on-one when Vinny reveals that he was diagnosed with clinical anxiety when he was 16 years old. He has suffered from panic attacks and insomnia that have resulted in depression, but he knows that being honest about his condition will help him come out of it. Danny encourages Vinny to stick it out, and it seems like it's the first time someone is getting through to Vinny. Like everyone else, Danny encourages Vinny to drink through the trauma, which may not be the best idea, but at least Vinny has a smile on his face again.
Back at the house, Snooki calls Jionni (you know, because they haven't seen each other for at least 12 minutes). She tells him the kids are going to Karma that night, and he cautions her against getting blackout drunk. She takes umbrage at this and is all, "He needs to respect who I am." Who she is, is a drunken slut wastrel, apparently. A bit later, as the workers head home, JWOWW notes, "I didn't even put underwear on today." Sitch can help you with that! Vinny goes straight to the bedroom, but his rest isn't meant to be as Pauly comes charging back in, saying, "There's my boyfriend!" He applies aloe to his peeling face (wonder if it was all the tanning?) and tells him they're having a "guys' day." What does that entail? Mani-pedis, of course! God bless the child who has to touch Ron's feet. (Then again, if people can deal with Sammi's Fred Flintstone toe, then how bad could Ron's toenails be?) After talk of happy endings in the car, the guys stroll into the salon for their man-pering. They laugh at how weird and uncomfortable it is to get their toenails clipped and their legs rubbed, but it's all ultimately helping Vinny feel a little better.
That night, Pauly's sunburn saga continues. Apparently he got so excited to be back in the land of plenty (of tanning beds) that he crispified his face, exfoliated off the peeling bits, then fried the shit out of the raw skin underneath. Now he's resorting to planting himself in front of the air conditioning vent and applying ice pops to his face to relieve the pain. Quoth Snooki, "I never thought in my wildest dreams I would tell somebody to stop tanning. That's when you know the world is coming to an end." Oh, I feel so bad for you people. Welcome to my damn world.
The sweet sound of a blender whirs us into the scene. It's Ron Ron Juice, and you know what that means. Karma! Deena is so excited she might just dance her underwears off! While she gives Pauly a pep talk, assuring him that he'll still get it in despite the game-hampering sun burn, Snooki gets herself looking bangable by slapping on a pair of personalized "Jionni's" panties she had made. She shows them off to JWOWW, who immediately points out that the epic fight between Snooki and Jionni in Florence was over her flashing her downstairs region. Snooki realizes she won't be able to resist showing off the name-check knickers and decides to save herself by putting them aside for another occasion.
Deena comes in the room so she and Snooki can beautify themselves together. Deena starts prattling about finding a boy to make out with, though she vows not to "do sex." Somewhere amid the conversation, she tells Snooki that she's not going to be drinking that night. If someone were watching this without sound and saw Snooki's reaction shot, they could very well think Deena just declared, "I eat babies while kicking puppies." That's how vile and dire this idea is to Snooki. Deena can only hold her composure for about 2.4 seconds before breaking up into hysterics. Of course she's drinking!
Karma. The kids are home. Immediately, Deena runs into Damian, a guy she used to hook up with. While they make out, Snooki gets bomb-ass wasted and flashes her panties all over Karma (something Jionni weirdly doesn't seem to mind this particular evening). She's so drunk, in fact, that she tells Jionni, "Oh my god, I was gonna, like, cook you chicken cutlets and stuff like that." When an unmarried guidette starts yammering about domesticity, you know she's in the sauce. And I'm not talking marinara. Because Jionni isn't falling-down drunk, he's very confused, which Snooki takes as hostility and gets ornery with him. JWOWW has officially opted out of babysitting duty tonight, so she tells Jionni to take his girl home. He does, but not without some slurry protest by Snooki.
Someone who is not protesting the trip back to the Shore House? Shantel, Pauly's flavor of the night. His fellow MVP-ers aren't having such luck as Sitch strikes out and Vinny's anxiety is exacerbated by the thump and bump of Karma. Somehow, though, Sitch manages to Tebow that shit when he runs into Paula on the way out the door. The gang heads back home where everyone except Vinny gets his or her smush on. Poor Shantel, she is practically thrown out the window the second after she and Pauly finish smushing -- on a bare mattress, mind you. She's in mid-sentence (the sentence being, and I wish I were kidding you, "There's my underwear!") as he gets up and leaves the room to call her a cab. But his luck only stretched so far this night because the cab driver tells Pauly there won't be a car available for an hour. His eyes bug out almost as much as Snooki's at Deena's no drinking joke. Upstairs, there's some real-life karma going on because Pauly's quick escape gave Shantel the opportunity to snatch his favorite diamond chain. Ha! She goes downstairs and tells Pauly she can't find her shoes. As if by magic, the cab arrives. She asks Pauly, "Did you find my shoes?" He tells her, "They're in the cab" and practically pushes her out the door.
The day, Pauly catches wise that his diamond chain is missing. Snooki knows how a ho behaves and immediately makes Shantel for the robbery: "She probably stuck it in her asshole." Replay the footage of Shantel cramming the jewels down her front bum. Ding ding ding, Snooki! Pauly looks high and low to no avail, but it seems our Shantel had a crisis of conscience. She comes a-knockin' wearing nothing but an ass-cracking revealing bikini, Pauly's chain, and, oh, a new pair of shoes. For her integrity, Pauly tries to find her shoes. As all this goes down, Snooki narrates Shantel's totally obvious motives -- to take the chain to have an excuse to come back -- and admits she probably would have pulled such a maneuver herself. The shoe search is not fruitful, and Pauly sums up that Shantel "lost her dignity, her self-respect" and her shoes. Well, Shantel, that was your 15 minutes of fame (that's probably a literal estimate). Thank you for conducting yourself with grace, dignity and grand larceny.
Vinny continues to grapple with his anxiety, so Ronnie takes him to the Boardwalk. Unfortunately, even giant stuffed bulldogs and sexual harassment can't get Vinny out of his funk. He's facing the ultimate crisis of humanity for a guido -- he doesn't want to go to da club. He says he needs rest. Not sleep. Rest. He recognizes that everything about his current circumstances is triggering his troubling trifecta. He swears off drinking for the moment and decides that, eventually, he'll have to make the tough choice whether to leave Seaside. They head back to the house. Snooki finds Vinny once again stewing over his problems. She tries to cheer him up and encourages him not to leave, but she knows that it might be the best decision for him. Either way, Vinny wants to make his decision when he's in a clear headspace, not an insomniac frenzy like he is now.
That evening, the kids make their plans to hit up Karma, knowing that Vinny won't be joining them. They feel bad for their friend but acknowledge that his depression is rubbing off on the rest of the house. At least for a minute here and there. Once Deena rehashes her joke about not drinking, all is right with the world once more! They get ready to go out, which involves pouf puffing (Snooki), aloe application (Pauly) and copious amounts of fragrance in hot spots (Deena). I actually counted (or tried to): 43 sprays! I use three. The cloud of drugstore perfume is so thick, Deena actually coughs and gasps for air.
Once everyone's ready, the gang (excluding Vinny) convenes in the living room to figure out how to handle Vinny's downward spiral. They all acknowledge that staying home and making a big deal won't help and ultimately nominate Pauly to stay behind for a bit to talk thing through with Vinny. They all head out, leaving Pauly to clutch a gold disco pillow (as you do) and contemplate his words. As it turns out, he doesn't even get the chance for the fourth-quarter pep talk because walks purposefully out of his room, heading straight for the phone to call his sister and tell her he's coming home. Pauly weakly asks if there's anything he can do or say, but Vinny's mind is made up. He orders a cab to Staten Island. (Now, is that more or less expensive than a cab to Times Square?)
While the kids party at Karma, none the wiser, Vinny packs up. The cab arrives, and it's over just like that. Well, there is one last glorious moment when Vinny asks Pauly, "Can we sext?"
time: It's a year later. Pauly, now grizzled and sporting a thick beard, returns with Vinny from a boat trip on the Atlantic Ocean. It was a glorious afternoon, a perfect encapsulation of the wonderful times they used to have together, but the weather shifted suddenly, and they weren't able to make back to the Shore House before the squall set in. Just steps from the house, Pauly senses Vinny's coolness. The truth finally comes bursting out: "I wrote you 365 letters. I wrote you every day for a year." Vinny is confused. "You wrote me?" "Yes," says Pauly. "It wasn't over, it still isn't over." They collapse into each other and spend the several days in a passionate embrace.
That, or everyone just gets wasted and The Situation continues to be an epic asshat.