Previously: Jionni broke Snooki's heart, so she convinced the gang to make a homespun Karma out of the Italian apartment, she rejected The Situation's advances, then realized how drunk she was precisely in time to have revenge sex with Vinny.
The morning after, 7:00 AM. Snooki wakes up with a face that can only be translated as, "Where am I? What have I done? Who am I?" The slide that flashes across the screen reads, "BIG MISTAKE." In the throes of a freak-out, Snooki wakes up JWOWW to go get breakfast with her. JWOWW innocently thinks Snooki passed out in the living room, so Snooki has to say it out loud. She claims she doesn't care, but you know her stomach is doing cartwheels right now. And there's more of that to come as JWOWW reports that The Situation told all the roommates that Snooki went down on him some time in the fuzzy past. Snooki cannot contain her reaction as she screams, "CRAZY PANTS! YOU'RE CRAZY PANTS!" I think I'm just going to start walking down the street yelling that out on occasion.
Sitch walks in and obliviously asks, "Why is there so much screaming going on?" Oh boy. Snooki tells him to get out because she's disgusted by what he said. He insists he didn't say anything. Roll the tape, editors! He gets extremely defensive, shouting at her to talk to him first. Then he brushes it off and says they're not friends. Her response: "Then get the fuck out of my room." In an interview, Sitch likens Snooki to a fugitive and himself to an informant. I think he should be the fugitive. He's sure got the FUG part down. Snooki snatches up JWOWW for some bitchery over mimosas.
After they leave, Sitch decides he needs to teach Snooki a lesson. He calls his boy (whose name is The Unit -- don't even get me started...) to confirm his version of events. Snooki already admitted that she watched her friend Ryder get with Unit ("and it was hot by the way"), but did Unit watch Snooki going down on Sitch? Because that's skank nasty. OMG, y'all, the start of the conversation is epic. Sitch: "Yo, yo, yo. You know when you were bangin' Snooki's friend Ryder? Somehow that story got out..." Somehow? Like by your own lips? The Unit, of course, takes great pleasure in Sitchy's reminiscing and doesn't really say much one way or another. Sitch interviews, "Snooki turned from four-foot-nine to about two-foot-nine, you know what I'm saying?" Wow, I really hope I can land a guy like Sitch one day. He's so eloquent and discreet.
At the cafe, JWOWW and Snooki share a peck as Snooki thanks The WOWW for waking up and bonding with her. If I were JWOWW I'd be washing those lips post-haste in light of current make out sessions, revenge sex encounters and -- not least of -- which accusations from The Situation. Instead, she cuddles up against Snooki, who asks the barkeep, "Come se dice 'mimosa'?" Well, Snickers, I suspect the word is... mimosa. Either way, she gets her point across, and it's time for some 8:00 AM drankin'. Snooki feels bad because she thinks of Vinny as a friend now and didn't mean to hook up with Vinny. She says she must not have had sex with him because she doesn't remember it. Solid logic from the tiny drunk! Snooki sucks down the last of her drink and declares, "I love mimosas." JWOWW: "I love sleep." And scene.
Back at the house, Sitch declares it's going to be a day of GTD (gym, tan, drama). He plans to smoke out "the rat" in the house, which is a nonsense endeavor since JWOWW clearly told him she was going to tell Snooki what he said. Whatever, it's his wheels spinning, not mine. He decides to go about his foolhardy mission by starting a rumor in the house and seeing who brings it back to him. He tells Ronnie he gave Unit Jionni's number (lie) and waits for the madness to unfold.
So of course Sammi happened to walk by when Sitch was promulgating his lies, and she immediately goes to Deena. Minutes later, Deena is in the common room talking to Sitch, who sticks to his story. Sammi thinks this move is messed up and says so to Sitchy's face. She leaves, directly telling Sitch that she's going to report what he said to Snooki (just as JWOWW did)... and I'm a little confused as to how this is going to out any sort of a rat. Everyone has been 100 percent open about things (ironically, except The Situation) all along, and I'm pretty sure JWOWW would admit to being "the rat" (or whatever you want to call it) if asked. So basically Sitch just wants to stir shit up -- and his devilish laughter after Sammi leaves confirms as much. Of course, stirring shit up is basically his M.O., so it's not surprising at all, but still fairly irritating in this particular context. For his part, Ronnie's all, "I don't care. I'm staying out of this shit." Good idea.
Elsewhere, the title card reads "MISCHIEF" as Snooki and JWOWW run through the streets. Snooki makes a disclaimer, "When people function this early in the morning, this isn't real life to me. I feel like it's a video game." Then she does a cartwheel in the streets and squeals when her panties are exposed. Dude, you're wearing a skirt. It's called gravity. She sees a nun and runs after her screaming, "Ciao!" JWOWW: "She is scared shitless of you." They go into a store and Snooki tells the owner she wants to buy a bottle of Chianti off the shelf that is possibly as big as her. We're talking at least a Balthazar here, maybe even a Solomon. And she actually buys the damn thing! Like that, she bags it up and rolls it through the streets jutting out of her laundry suitcase. Naturally, her suitcase flips over, and the bottle is broken within yards of the restaurant. I think that's called existentialism. All she can do is survey the fallen soldier, writhing with shrieks, then ask, "Come se dice, 'This fucking sucks balls!'?" According to Google, it's "Questa cazzo succhia i testicoli!"
Back home, Vinny calls him mom and tells her the guys are traveling to Sicily the week to visit her family. Of course Pauly wants to know if there's a female cousin he can ravage. Say no, Mama Guadagnino! She does one better and hangs up! Awesome.
Snooki and JWOWW arrive home and head straight for their beds to have a pity slumber party. Out in the common room, Sitch tells Pauly and Vinny about his "brilliant" (Pauly's words) plan. Actually, it's the exact opposite of brilliant. Now that he's revealed his gambit to two key players, this is officially half-cocked, nonsense maneuver ever. Even for this show. And these are not people who think things through. Either way, Pauly readies himself for the spectacle -- as does Sammi, who declares to Ronnie and Deena, "It's gonna be a fuckin' show tonight."
They arrive home, and Sammi makes a beeline for Snooki. Upon hearing it, Snooki pops up and launches into the room to attack Sitch like a Pomeranian on PCP. She starts throwing everything at (tiny) arm's reach, including a wine bottle that just misses him and shatters against a wall. Now that she's tampered with their booze, all the others are like, "Too far! Too far!" Pauly compliments Sitch's mongoose-like reflexes as the title card "EVIL PLAN" flashes across the screen. Sitch starts to come clean about his scheming, but Snooki cuts him off by unleashing a tornado of objects at him, screaming over and over, "I don't like you!" Vinny finally tells her it's a joke, to which she replies, "It's not fuckin' funny." Everyone is generally confused, which Sitch takes as validation that his plan worked and chastises them to stay out of his business. You mean the business you practically pushed them into? Okay. Just so we're clear. Also? He gets all riled up that Snooki didn't "talk to him first," but I'm pretty sure her first response upon hearing the rumor was to talk directly to him. Granted, it wasn't a civil conversation and mainly consisted of the whooshing of objects being thrown at him, but she didn't talk shit behind his back. At any rate, I'm still unclear what the goal of all this was. He claims he wanted to find a rat, but Sammi wasn't sneaky at all. She told him what she was going to do. Aren't rats supposed to be sneaky?
Still, after all this, Sitch approaches Snooki on the smoking porch and says innocently, "I didn't do anything!" No, Sitch. You did everything. Instead of embracing him and telling him she's seen the wisdom of his ways, she pushes him away and rages on him. Spurned, he whiplashes and says maybe he'll make that call anyway. While Snooki sobs out on the porch, Sitch sits in the common room smugging that he was in the right and all Snooki had to do was ask. Wrong and wrong. Vinny says, "It's just messed up because she cares about" Jionni. Pauly can't resist snarking, "It looked like she cared last night." Contrary to Snooki's claims, Pauly says he knows "what it sounds like" when Vinny gets it in (gross) and speculates that Vinny definitely got it in. Sitch claims his plan was "a necessary evil."
JWOWW consoles crying Snooki in the bathroom. Snooki interviews that she's given The Situation enough chances and is done with him once and for all. Sammi declares Sitch "a sick fuckin' kid," and Ronnie chimes in, "I've been saying that since day one, and nobody would listen to me." Even Vinny thinks Sitch doesn't know when enough's enough. He asks, "How many wake-up calls does Mike need?"
The day, Pauly gives Vinny a gentle nudge and sings that they're going to Sicily. The girls have decided to take a wine tasting trip to Tuscany, but Snooki's being a grump and refusing to wake up. Eventually JWOWW rouses her, and the girls put on their Kentucky Derby finery and head out the door. Oh, and Snooki drops an ass bomb on the way out just so we don't forget who we're dealing with.
Vinny is super-excited to reclaim his roots as the guys take their plane to Sicily. On the cab ride from the airport, Vinny is amazed by the scenery -- volcanoes and trees and generally unmarred nature. It's no Turnpike-side oil refinery, but it'll do, I guess. The Situation and Ronnie are less enthusiastic. Sitch says it's "definitely some Mafia-type shit," and Ronnie thinks the environs may be a little to rustic for his liking. Bet the local stores don't sell Xenadrine there! They get out of the cab and are greeted by a flood of relatives and twice as many kisses on the cheeks. Ronnie says, "I'm just like, 'Ciao!'" There's a sarcastic tone in his voice that is nonsense. How can he not realize how cool this is? God, that kid is worthless.
Meanwhile, the ladies hit up their first winery, a castle with a 900-year-old wine cellar. Snooki says she's getting a haunted vibe and is not helped by JWOWW randomly hiding behind corners and popping out at her to scream, "BOO!"
Back in Sicily, Sitch proves that he sucks at soccer before getting hit square in the nuts with a soccer ball. Now that's DIY Karma! After that, the family shows the boys pictures of Vinny through the years. Pauly makes a digital copy of one of them to keep on hand as ammo, but I think Vinny looks pretty much the same. The only difference being his jacked up nose. Has our Vinny had a rhinoplasty?
They move on to their wine and food pairing. The sommelier tries to tell them all about the history of the castle, but all Snooki wants is a hefty glass of vino. She expresses her boredom by belching while the lady is speaking. The lady stops talking for a split-second, so Snooki hijacks the conversation. She wonders what she should do about Jionni. JWOWW tells her the damage is done and advises her to move on. Snooki says she loves Jionni, but JWOWW thinks, "If you loved him then you wouldn't have done that with Vinny." Cue super-uncomfortable looks from the host. Snooki thinks JWOWW is being a terrible friend. She has deluded herself to the point that she actually says out loud, "I would never cheat on him." JWOWW: "YOU DID!" Even Deena has an inkling that Snooki had sex with Vinny, but she admits she would have taken a less direct approach than JWOWW. The WOWW holds strong to her talking points, which only makes Snooki that much more doubtful about their friendship.
In Sicily, the guys eat tons and tons of food. Good to know that a generation and a transatlantic migration doesn't change some things.
Tuscany. Drunk Snooki and Deena mount a motorcycle and topple the thing, giggling all the way. Deena estimates they went through a good 10 bottles of wine that day. They get on the bus to hit up the winery as Snooki randomly announces, "I'm horny!" Still? They get to the location, and Snooki start to feel the drunk sleepies. As the guy expounds on the various types of wood they use to barrel the wine, Snooki literally takes on nap on some of these aforementioned barrels. All the guy can do is laugh at how fucking rude she is. Ugly Americans. Somehow a question about which wine or cheese JWOWW wants prompts a snide response from saucy Snooki, and it begins. Sammi suspects at least some of the tension stems from the fact the JWOWW knows Snooki isn't being honest about what happened with Sitch, and JWOWW eventually insinuates as much. Snooki's argument is basically, "You're my bestie, so you need to lie, cheat and steal to make me happy." JWOWW's is, "Well then stop being a grubby bitch." At which point Snooki literally runs away, sprinting into the streets of Tuscany. Where is she going? Who knows? Eventually, of course, they all have to reconvene in the bus, and the tension is so thick you'd need one of those can-cutting knives to get through it.
Sicily. They're. Still. Eating. Sitch asks, "I wonder what the girls are up to right now," and Ronnie can only laugh because he's seen enough bullshit drama over the past two years to know that it has a tendency of bleeding from one situation to another.
The girls arrive home. Snooki declares, "Me and Jenni are not on good terms right now." Similarly, JWOWW says she's done covering for Snooki and putting up with her foul, self-centered attitude. All this said, about five minutes later, Snooki calls out to JWOWW from the bathroom and ostensibly squashes it. They hug and say they love each other and generally psycho babble at each other like a junior high group therapy session. Well that was a non-event.
A bit later, Snooki calls her dad to hash things out. Papa Snooki bears the bad tidings that Jionni has changed his Facebook status to "Single." Snooki cries. Her dad consoles her: "You didn't cause this. He caused this." And perhaps that's where Snooki gets her deluded ways from. She completely caused this. That doesn't mean Jionni isn't an overreacting, emotionally abusive prick, but Snooki's actions were still what put the wheels in motion on this whole debacle. And that's just what we've seen caught on camera in the last couple of days. That doesn't even take into account various accusations that are flying around.
Since she's emotional and drinking, Snooki decides to sleep on things and compose a concise, measured letter that she will reconsider in the morning.
You didn't actually believe me there did you? Of course she calls Jionni that very minutes to bawl him out for changing his status and maybe discreetly slip in the fact that she banged her roommate. Jionni picks up, and the phone call is a train wreck from word one. They are both angry, defensive and screaming. Snooki croaks through tears how much she loves Jionni and is tortured without him. Then she takes a big swig of beer before telling Jionni she hooked up with Vinny. She insists over and over that they didn't have sex, but the way she says it is very slurred and sounds like "We DID(n't) have sex." Her guilty subconscious at work, methinks. She begs him not to hang up. He doesn't and instead tells her they're done and that he's going to kill Vinny. Dial tone. Title card: "SINGLE?"
Sicily. The guys wake up. Ronnie stands up, disoriented and gorilla-like, which Pauly immediately jumps up to mockingly recreate. To his credit, Ronnie laughs it off. Vinny says thanks and goodbye to his family, promising to return.
Back in Florence, Snooki calls Jionni again. He asks her for explicit details about what happened with Vinny. She interviews that she suspect they tried to have sex, but it "just didn't work." Clearly this is a fabrication of which she has convinced herself. Whatever you need to get through the day, hon. As the girls listen across the room, Snooki tells Jionni "He [bleep] me, that's all." I suspect the term she used was "finger banged," but that's merely an educated guess. Jionni says she couldn't possibly care about him to do such a thing, but she insists he's all she thinks about and apologizes tearfully. He says he'll give her another chance before hanging up. Snooki practically gets down on her knees -- but not for the reason you think, ya pervs! She wants to thank "Jesus fuckin' Christ." She tells JWOWW the good news, screaming, "I'm in love, like what the fuck?!"
The guys arrive home, and -- having successfully pulled the wool over Jionni's eyes -- she decides to get to the bottom, so to speak, of what happened with Vinny. So she asks him on camera. Again, these kids are not the smartest. So she asks Vinny and, frankly, he's embarrassed that he has to speak these things to her. As they walk to the smoking patio, he describes their smushery as "a glitch in The Matrix," but then everything returned to normal. By the time they get to the patio, he's moved past his embarrassment and realized he has a prime opportunity to embarrass her. He absolutely delights in telling her that she begged, "Fuck me, I'm horny." She insists they were just cuddling. Vinny: "My balls cuddling with your cuca." Snooki realizes she has to tell Jionni, though maintains her innocence about lying before: "I really honestly thought we didn't have sex. I mean, I blacked out a little bit. Whattayagonnado?"
So off Snooki goes to make that fateful call. She puts on her best pink sequined baseball cap for the occasion. Jionni picks up. She tells him "something more happened" then struggles to speak the truth. She finally says, "We had sex." Silence.
week: Deena and The Situation are both clearly sexually frustrated. She responds by coming on to Pauly (unsuccessfully). He responds by starting fights in clubs. Ronnie: "If Mike gets into a fight, I'm not gonna jump in." You're in fine company, my man.