Previously: Jionni was so busy being an abusive prick to Snooki, he hardly even noticed that The Situation was trying to go all Inspector Clouseau on his ass. Long story short, Jionni left Italy before he and Sitchy came to blows, but Snooki was plenty traumatized for all of them. Also, drunk.
The day after Jionni made his abrupt departure, Ronnie, Deena, and Pauly make their hung-over march to the pizza parlor. Back at home, Snooki still wearing her baby hooker dress from the night before as dials and redials Jionni's phone in vain. She leans on JWOWW for support, but JWOWW is still pissed off after their explosive argument the night before and pretends she's sleeping so she doesn't have to deal with Snooki. So what do you so when you're a guidette in the throes of tragedy? You put on your Yeti boots and sluttiest sad-girl minidress, and you announce dramatically, "I'm going out, and I'm not coming back!" Snooki cries in the confessional that she's afraid Jionni is never going to talk to her again before storming out of the house asking no one in particular, "Come se dice, 'Where the fuck is my boyfriend?" Well, Snookums, it's "Dovè cazzo il mio ragazzo?" As Sadie says on Awkward., You're welcome!
Thus follows a brilliant cross-cut between Snooki's weepy confessional and her adventures out in Florence. We all express our sadness in different ways, and Snooki involves kicking back beers in the middle of the day and forcing your local Italian barista crank up the music so she can dance like nobody's watching. As everyone favorite Swedish pixie informed us in last summer, nothing cures a broken heart like the dance. Unfortunately, people are watching, and in place of Snooki's internal suffering arises belligerence as she announces her entire sob story to the bar, concluding, "So don't look at me like I'm a fuckin' weirdo. I'm heartbroken. So let me dance!"
Back at the pizzeria, Pauly yells a lot, and Deena cleans a toilet. With a mop.
Snooki finally decides to return home, so she starts meatballing her way back, saying tearfully, "This is the worst day of my life. I'm not kidding." Annnnnd, cue her belch. A flesh-suited Barney Gumble is this one. When she arrives home, JWOWW is still sleeping. The other girls approach Snooki to comfort her while she calls her father and unleashes an unholy outpouring of expletives and whining upon him. When her dad gets on board with the rage, Snooki turns to JWOWW, who has finally gotten up from bed, and unloads on her. Instead of calling Snooki on her bullshit, JWOWW decides to pander to Snooki as I'm sure has happened... well... with everyone else except Jionni apparently.
A bit later, it's Pity Party, Table for 1 as Snooki heads outside and moans what a loser she is and how she needs to change herself if she ever wants to get married. As she repeats her new mantra, "I hate myself," JWOWW joins her on the smoking patio. Somehow, The WOWW has convinced herself that she's the asshole because she wouldn't just let Snooki be great. And by "great," I mean a crazy drunk fool with a plaintive voice that makes ears spurt blood. JWOWW resolves to help Snooki find Jionni, who is most likely still in the city, so off she goes a-sleuthin'. In the meanwhile, Sammi comes out to give such brilliantly backhanded words of consolation like, "Who cares if your face is a mess? ... You like ni-- You look... like you." Ha!
Inside, JWOWW calls Jionni, who actually answers this time. She gets it out of him that he's no longer in Florence, then he tries to hang up. She begs him to return and, failing that, convinces him to at least talk to Snooki on the phone. Snooki wipes the tears from her face and tries to collect herself as she walks to the phone. Of course, the minute she starts talking to him, she's in hysterics again. All he can muster is a wan, "You don't know what you did to me. I can't talk about it." Seriously? I am generally willing to suspend disbelief for this show, but I smell the stink of producer intervention here. And clearly Jionni's not so good at the line memorizin'. When Snooki begs him to come back, he ludicrously says he can't because he took a train to Rome. Wow, Jionni. You're a whole hour and a half away? That distance really is insurmountable!
Snooki does not help matters as she starts to curse Jionni and say their relationship is done. While Snooki takes shelter in Deena's sweet, sweet knockers, JWOWW tries to salvage things, going so far as offering to pay for Jionni's return ticket. Jionni reveals that, in fact, he's not even in Rome. He's in the Florence train station and tells JWOWW to bring Snooki to meet him there. As Snooki flits around bitching about Jionni, everyone agrees, including Sammi, "She's definitely having a Sam moment." I'm kind of liking New Sammi! Seeing what a twit Snooki's being, she has some gotten her head out of her own ass and become cool. This must be a sign of the apocalypse.
The girls leave, checking each other's fake lashes along the way. As you do. JWOWW catches sight of Jionni. Snooki scampers up to him, and his first instinct is... to pull a hair (or something) out of her mouth? WTF is wrong with this guy? Snooki's like, "Hug me you jackhole!" Instead, he tells her he has to go, that his plane ticket has already been changed (by his mom -- what a real man!). Snooki offers to pay him back, the money for which she has literally probably earned (and then some) within the time frame of this exchange. But Jionni won't budge. They walk and talk and somehow come to a sort of understanding. Snooki still feels horrible, but thinks their relationship will be repaired over time. He apologizes for freaking out, kisses her, and tells her he loves her before walking off the catch his train. Snooki walks inside and only makes it one step before collapsing into a ball and weeping into the stairs. On the upside, Snooki's tears are probably washing away the impurities of all the hooker heels those stairs have seen.
That evening, you can tell the tone has changed because, well, I'll just let Sammi explains: "Vinny's in purple pants, and I don't know how I feel about it. (Side note: While looking for that picture, I found this one -- which, though it doesn't work for non-Canadians, simultaneously comes with a video of Pauly D sans hair gel! I am simultaneously horrified and compelled. Too! Much!) Befitting the more playful mood in the house, Pauly urges Vinny to put a couch on top of Deena's bed. A couch becomes a couch and a chair, then some more chairs, then finally everything that Deena owns. It's the leaning tower of Deena!
Deena discovers the prank, and Pauly's all, "Don't look at me!" Deena immediately screeches Vinny's name and finds him in the shower. Her little diatribe backfires when Vinny jumps out of the shower and corners her stark naked. Deena runs out, "Ewwww! He put his penis on me!" Meanwhile, this puts Deena and Snooki one step closer to actually being the same person. It also means that Vinny has had naked penile contact with three of his five female housemates. He's like a fox that one. Turn your head for one second, and he pounces! Deena goes about dismantling Vinny's work by herself, as is the custom of the punked. Eventually she gets trapped under the couch that started it all, giving us a nice long view of her panties. Of course. Vinny and Pauly sit there and laugh at her until JWOWW finally comes to her rescue. Pauly cackles, "This is the best day of my life!"
Later that night, Snooki is lying in her bed drinking a beer -- because that's how sad she is. Drinkin'-in-bed sad. JWOWW tells her to get off her pathetic ass and come out with them. Snooki seems set on moping all night, so JWOWW jumps on top of her and starts bouncing up and down to literally shake her out of it. But the place she chooses to sit looks a little too girl-on-girl. Even Snooki says, "Owwww, that hurts. That must really hurt Roger!" This might be weird if these kids had any boundaries. So Snooki gets up and slips into a little black hoochie dress. She goes to the threshold of the smoking patio and asks, "Do I like look Elvira?" Little does she know, Pauly has snuck up behind her and is poised to goose both ass cheeks. She falls over, probably for the first time ever sober!
The kids pile into their cabs, and Deena is in a foul mood from the start. She confesses in an interview that she's experience lots of symptoms of being pregnant and has missed her period. Well the cure for that is definitely to go out and get bomb-face wasted, right? They arrive at the club, and Snooki immediately finds herself a weird Euro hipster guy to dance with, and he doesn't even seem to mind that she's throwing him around and choking him as they dance. Back on the couches, Deena decides il club is an appropriate venue to confide in JWOWW that she thinks she's pregnant. For her part, JWOWW is just pissed that someone else's bullshit is ruining yet another night for her. JWOWW convinces Deena to find a pharmacy to buy a pregnancy test, so they walk around in the middle of the night together as Deena starts whimpering and crying about what she could have gotten herself into.
While they're gone, the guys head home, so they join them there and immediately abscond to the bathroom to see if Deena has a polpetta poco nel forno. Everyone else is snugly tucked in their beds while Deena and JWOWW wait it out to find out if Deena is with guido. After five minutes, Deena goes into the bathroom and learns that she is blessedly not pregnant. Fetuses of the world, you're safe for another day!
The day, Snooki puts on her best Kentucky Derby hat and calls Jionni. He tells her his plane ride home was terrible and admits he's still upset over the other night's events. So much so that he calls her a pig. Classy. Snooki finally stands up for herself, telling Jionni that he's the reason she's been depressed since she came to Italy and that she doesn't deserve to be treated like he treats her. He keeps spitting bile at her, so she finally tells him she's going to hang up and not call him for several days. Go Snooki! She hangs up, and he calls her five seconds later. I'm no expert on abusive relationships, but this seems to squarely fit the definition, no?
Everyone jumps to support Snooki, albeit in their own twisted ways. For example, Ronnie's like (paraphrasing), "Yeah, what he did was messed up, but I never would have let you leave the house looking like such a slut." Not exactly a healthy mentality, but this is Ronnie we're talking about. JWOWW points out, again, that Snooki was just acting the way she always does. If Jionni's not okay with her shtick, he should have never started dating her in the first place. She tells Snooki, "You shouldn't have to change for any man. You find a man that will accept you." All the while she is wearing some seriously badass fingerless biker gloves. I <3 JWOWW.
Snooki agrees with everyone that she's not being herself. She says, "I can't be in Italy anymore. I need to get nails done, and I need to shop, and I need to get fuckin' Jersey tired, I just need to go to Karma." She adds, "I swear to god, if I just went to Karma tonight, I would feel fine." And that's when lightning strikes! Snooki shrieks at the top of her lungs and walks back into the room like a woman on a mission. She tells Pauly to dust off his DJ equipment. They can get booze and create a makeshift Karma in the Florentine apartment. This is just what these kids needed. They are psyched and ready to beat the shit out of that beat. FTD!
They start the preparations, first considering whether they should pick up days worth of trash -- mainly booze bottles -- that is scattered all over the floor. JWOWW notes, "This is like Karma, actually," and Snooki cheers, "Yeah! Let's leave it!" Pauly sets up his DJ booth, and the girls get Jerseyfied to the max. I'm talking ratted hair, bra-exposing dresses, gallons of bronzer... Vinny sets up shop in the bathroom to practice his dance moves. Pauly makes the mistake of walking in at one point, and Vinny yells at him, "I'm practicing, dude, get out! You don't come in the bathroom when I'm practicing!" This is awesome. It's like that weird interlude when Vinny and Pauly decided to "pretend" to be guidos (and, in fact, they're wearing the same outfits right now), except it's way less confusing because they've totally given up the meta and are straight-up embracing what trashbag walking stereotypes they are. It's moments like this when these kids are at their best.
The night begins once everyone has embraced his or her character (by which I mean him- or herself). Sitting in a chair and checking out the girls as they grind on each other, The Situation is wearing a blinding white track suit with a matching backward cap. Ronnie comments, "Mike is definitely doing the same thing he does back in Jersey -- just sitting in the corner and looking like the biggest creep ever." I am in heaven, y'all. Things really kick into high gear when Pauly sets off the flashing lights and Vinny starts dancing like a maniac. They pull out some vintage moves like that weird, Capoeira-style punch battle that guidos so love. And, even in the midst of all this, Deena manages to fall down! She pops up and is all, "I'm good. I'm good." If I closed my eyes, I'd really think they were in Seaside. But then I would miss the pouf (THE POUF!) and the leopard print sunglasses! I am dying. This is the greatest thing ever committed to film after Citizen Kane and Vice Squad. Pauly may claim he's having the best day of his life, but it's me, y'all. It's me.
And, just like in Seaside, as the night progresses, Snooki gets increasingly frisky with her roommates. First up is Sitch, who has a flirtatious encounter (complete with blurred panties action) when Snooki asks him to take off her shoes. He thinks he's got a shot now that Jionni's gone and vows to play it cool. So he creeps up on her while she dances against a column. He invites her out to the smoking patio, where he asks, "Snooki, why don't you just break up with Jionni and let me rock that world, girl?" The peanut gallery (JWOWW and Deena) scream, "Ewwwwwww!" Sitch insists he can take care of Snooki better than anyone, but JWOWW thinks he's just trying to screw with her life. She asks, "Why Nicole?" Sitch answers, "Because she gets me." As proof of their connection, he explains that he always texts her back. Man. That's an unbreakable bond right there.
Snooki tells Sitch he's being a crazy person, to which he retorts, "Then why do we hook up all the time?" She drops her head in defeat -- but doesn't deny it! (Then again, maybe it's so absurd that she doesn't even have the energy to argue.) She tells him to shut up. Instead, he tells her he loves her and says he would date her if she didn't have a boyfriend. JWOWW and Deena take that as their cue and leave Snooki to fend for herself. Sitch zeroes in on Snooki's chief weakness, saying that he doesn't like how Jionni treats her. "Nobody does," she says forlornly.
At this point, he probably could have had her, so low is the Snickers in her own despair. Instead, he starts talking about beating up Jionni and claims Ronnie encouraged him. Flash back to the other night, Sitch approaches Ronnie all ornery and ready to rumble, and Ronnie said noncommittally, "Just do what you gotta do, bro." It wasn't so much an encouragement as a "I'm tired of your hallucinations, so I'm going to say whatever I need to so you will stop talking about them to me." Snooki snaps out of her vulnerable moment and gets riled up that her roommates were conspiring against Jionni behind her back -- just as she thought. Deena interrupts, so Snooki shoots up and goes inside to confront Ronnie. The way she calls to him, it's obvious she's out for blood. Pauly's reaction at this mood swing is hilarious -- like cartoonish eyeball-shooting-out-of-head shock.
Snooki asks Ronnie about the "Do what you gotta do," and he doesn't blink. He's all, "Yeah, I said it, and that's your problem." He says he doesn't want to get roped into anybody's drama... The Situation's, Jionni's, whatever. Snooki starts crying again. Though he's still unapologetic, Ronnie gives her a really weirdly timed hug and kiss on the forehead. Snooki feels really upset that nobody has her back and says dramatically it's the worst she's ever felt living with the roommates. Really, Snooki? This is worse than two nights ago? Alcohol really does kill brain cells, huh?
While she seeks comfort with Crocodilly, the roommates take Sitch to task for ruining the awesomest night ever. JWOWW warns him that Snooki will choose Jionni over him any day of the week. And then he randomly starts talking about her sucking him off. Seriously, I cannot explain or point out the transition because there was none. JWOWW and Sammi are both like, "Seriously, man. WTF? You're talking about my friend." Sitch confrontationally throws his arms out and blurts, "Well, she did that!" Like it exonerates him for being a tacky prick.
Everyone starts to get ready for bed, and Snooki realizes that slutty itch isn't going to scratch itself. She wiggles her way into Pauly's bed, but Deena protests, so she moves over to Vinny's. We really are back in Jersey! Sensing that Vinny is keeping distance between them, Snooki asks, "Would you cuddle without being a freak?" Vinny snorts back, "What does that mean? Get a boner?" So, with Sitchy lying in the bed he made for himself and Pauly watching in vast amusement (after kicking Deena out of his bed, natch), Snooki tells Vinny, "I want you to fuck me." Ah, romance! He asks, "Are you with Jionni anymore?" She shakes her head, and they start to make out. They really should put a Breathalyzer on these kids' beds.
week: Of course Snooki regrets what she did. Of course The Situation sticks in his nose where it doesn't belong. Of course bottles bottle are hurled at him and sent to shatter on the floor. And of course JWOWW fruitlessly continues to try talk sense into Snooki re: Jionni, causing another rift in their relationship.