Previously: Basically, The Situation and Snooki both suck -- but Sitchy in a more metaphorical, pot-stirring way and Snooki in a more "on Vinny's junk" way.
We start with a replay of Vinny telling Snooki what exactly happened when she got blackout drunk and climbed into his bed. She realizes she can't lie to Jionni. She must tell him they had sex. Back on goes the pink sparkle cap of courage! She makes the call. Jionni is understandably angry after he just gave her a second chance on the understanding that she didn't bone some other guy (with whom she has an extensive, pathetic history) 15 minutes after they broke up. She uses her blackout as an excuse, promises it'll never happen again, and apologizes profusely. She fans herself as the tears stream down her face, wondering if they're still together.
Jionni doesn't know what to say. Hoping to shift her karma, Snooki flips her spangly baseball cap to the side. I swear, if you screengrabbed this mess right now you'd have no idea of the drama occurring. Then again, I guess you can say that for most moments on this show. I mean, look at these people. Back to Jionni, who says he can't, in good conscience, call her his girlfriend at this point. She just wants to make sure he doesn't move on to another person (like she did). He wonders how he'll ever get through it, and they hang up without a conclusion. Did I mention Vinny is sitting five feet away listening to this whole conversation? Awkward! Also, the last thing Jionni would want. He asks Snooki how things went, and she tells him they're going to work through it. He says mischievously, "Wanna cuddle?" Strike my last statement. That is the last thing Jionni would want.
The morning, lovely operatic music plays as the gang greets the day. This includes Snooki screaming for medicine and Pauly honking the snot out of his nose. Point, counterpoint. Snooki asks Deena for a hug. Vinny happens to be in the room, and keeps the joke going: "Cuddle? I'll cuddle!" Snooki tells him instead to tell Pauly to have sex with Deena. Pauly is, in fact, in the room -- still holding a tissue his nose, which is now bleeding. Too much honking! Quoth Deena, "At this point, I'm like, 'Fuck it.' Me and Pauly should do sex." Vinny takes special pleasure in Deena's desperation and at Pauly's feeble Nice Guy attempts to squirm out from under her advances. Case in point, Deena notes that Snooki and JWOWW are both sick, so naturally she has to sleep in Pauly and Vinny's room. "And then me and you, we'll just do sex." Inarguable logic! She adds, "But I want to go harder than you did with that one girl." Just in case you worried that Pauly might be weakening under the constant assault, he assures us he's planning to bring home a girl tonight to dodge that bullet. "I'm not tryin' to have sex with Deena." Snooki might, though. At the mere mention of sex, she whines, "I'm horny now!"
Snooki and JWOWW decide to sit out the night as the others hit up il club. As Deena dances around in giant California Raisin sunglasses, Pauly scopes out his potential Deena buffers, but the pickings are slim. Says one girl, "I'm really shy... I got a dildo today!" The night advances on, and Pauly is seriously striking out. He gets into an altercation with one girl who touches his hair. That's a no-go, sister. Sammi tells Pauly she's leaving, and Deena's staying, so Pauly has to make sure she gets home. Cut to a shot of Deena literally struggling to stay upright while she's sitting down. She looks like that one really busted Cheri Oteri character -- whose name, ironically, is Rita DelVecchio. Ronnie cuts to the chase: "I don't want you to fuck her." So Pauly goes to Plan Z and literally asks the first person he sees to come home with him. At this point, he is literally sweating, and I suspect it's not from the fist pumping and/or beating up of the beat.
They get in a cab to head home as Pauly says forebodingly, "I see the condition that Deena's in. I myself am in trouble!" If only Snooki were bomb-ass wasted, too. Then he could just sic Deena on her. Deena continues on her dogged mission to get Pauly in in letto, and he keeps giving her the excuse that it will ruin their friendship. Vinny sits between the two of them and snickers meanly, saying, "Pauly is definitely part of the I-Double-F right now." For those of you whose memories need jogging, that stands for the "I'm Fucked Foundation." Pauly literally runs up the stairs to escape her, and Vinny explains that "Pauly doesn't like meatballs." He would know, as he has a considerable appetite for le polpette. Pauly runs into the common room, where Sammi and Ronnie are, and practically screams to them, "Save me!!!" He feels like he's in a Catch-22 because he can give in and ruin the friendship (mainly because he'll probably be vomiting mid-thrust) or reject her and ruin the friendship by insulting her. Either way, Deena's not going to come tonight.
Oh, but that doesn't stop her. She walks into the room and says point blank, "Listen. I am a good fuck, and I have no shame." Sammi screams, "Deena!" Pauly can't help but laugh at her bluntness. He does chip in, "Deena, I would knock the dust off that pussy if we weren't friends." Wow, I hope a man says that to me one day! Just... wow. Deena leaves, disgruntled as Vinny confessionalizes that Pauly was talking trash at the club about how he'd be "Oh YEAH!"-ing with Deena all night long, and now he's chickening out. Ronnie assures Pauly that Deena won't remember a thing in the morning, but Pauly still says, "I feel bad, though. I should have fucked her." Cue falling-off-the-couch laughter from all sides.
The day, Deena expresses her frustration about missing the penis. Sammi stupidly thinks Pauly was actually being honorable last night and not just discerning. Deena reiterates, "I miss penis." JWOWW: "But you had the vagina for a little while." Deena: "Yeah..." Put that one in the books, bitches. One of the better exchanges of the season.
That evening, Snooki and Deena get ready for Meatballs Night Out. Snooki interviews (behind her a giant projection of the Minnie Mouse-style bow-headbands that she has taken to wearing this season... awesome) that she is stressing out about Jionni. She's never felt this way about a guy [Note: Absolutely humiliated and borderline emotionally abused? What a lucky girl. -- RS.] and needs to dull the anguish by getting sauced with her fellow Meatball (no pun intended). Deena puts on a bright red tube top shortall situation and her cowboy hat -- the same one she wore when she showed Sitch her cuca in Season 3? It would seem so because she announces, "When Deena has the cowboy hat on, she means business."
They head out in broad daylight, and Snooki declares, "We look so cute right now. We belong in Jersey with these outfits." They head into their local spot and demand music. Deena climbs on the bar, and she and Snooki dance with abandon, assuming several tandem dance positions that I can only assume are in the Kama Sutra. Snooki says they can bring the party even if it's 11 AM. Is it 11 AM? That seems like it would be too early for them, but given the generally non-blitzed manner of everyone around, maybe? Snooki makes a move to do the robot on top of a chair and falls down with a squeal. Never fear! She pops back up and lets her arms swing freely, as robots do. Then Deena teaches a 14-year-old Italian girl to do the Jersey Turnpike on her while the girl's parents watch. Not right.
Back at the house, Pauly cleans the rank, jizz-stained bathroom -- with someone's unclaimed toothbrush. The Situation ambles in a bit later and grabs the toothbrush to brush his teeth. While he goes to town on his incisors, Pauly and Vinny laugh and laugh and laugh. Sitch leaves the room none the wiser.
Team Meatballs finish up at the bar and embark on a slurry stroll home and take a brief disco nap before getting ready for the Shore whores last Saturday night in Italy. For Vinny, this involves busting out what Pauly calls his "communion shoes." Ronnie throws on a big, gaudy chain. Deena and Snooki each wear a black and a white Yeti boots. Deena she tries to mount the table in the kitchen and smashes her head into the chandelier. Pauly explains that this is one of many "Guido Problems."
And out they go. The drinks start flowing and Snooki and Deena begin their own little Meatball dance routine. Ball change kick! Ball change kick! JWOWW shakes her head as Snooki asks, "Is my vagina out?" This night has only one destination. Sammi also can't take it as Deena Turnpikes no one in particular, so the "mature" ladies (term used very, very loosely) excuse themselves so they don't have to look at the Meatballs making fools of themselves.
Elsewhere, the guys are being accosted by a mob of riled-up clubgoers who are throwing all sorts of shade at them, chanting the word for "Shame." No one takes the bait but Sitch, who throws the finger screams, "Fuck you!" While none of the other guys are willing to incite a fight, Ronnie seems particularly amped up to jump in if the occasion arises. Must be in that phase of his cycle. It all comes to nothing, though, as Pauly announces, "Cabs are here!" They leave with a security escort. Vinny says, "Mike only acts like a tough guy when there's somebody around to hold it back." Or when there's a poor, defenseless wall just minding its own business.
Everyone is ready to go straight home, but Deena wants to get her dance on. She and Snooki exit the cabs while everyone else goes to bed. Things quickly turn sour for the Meatballs, who are feel besieged by the folks at the club. Says Deena, "They were, like, making fun of us. Maybe it was the boots?" They head to the bar to calm down, but it only gets worse when a bartender throws ice on them. So they start knocking over bottles like maniacs and quickly find themselves swept up in the arms of the club's bouncers. It's a Meatball sandwich! They get into a cab home and bemoan the state of kids these days. No respect!
They arrive home still mid-rant, which throws the roommates for a loop. As the Meatballs continue their tirade, everyone just stands by silently, hoping they'll tire themselves out. "Oddly enough," says JWOWW, "I would rather hang out with Sam. Go figure." Ha! She just insulted every other female in the house at once. Masterful! The whirling dervishes eventually wind down as Snooki suggests they go for a hot tub (though at first I thought she said "hot dog," and I was really hoping we had this season's ham and water... Alas!). Snooki notes, "Being kicked out of the club: Meatball Problems!"
The ladies prep the tub, and Snooki says she plans to go in clothed. Deena announces she has to pee, so Snooki tells her to pee in the tub. As you do. A few minutes later, they try to get in, but it's too hot. Snooki: "Burning your cuca in the Jacuzzi: Meatball Problems!" They practice their doggy paddle in the tub, and Deena declares, "Meatballs are burning up in this thing!"
It becomes the day, and they're still awake. They don't know what time it is, but they know the sun's up, so they decide to go out again. They take a brief break to put on even sluttier outfits that they had on yesterday (Snook = shiny leopard print minidress with matching thigh high boots and hat; Deena = highlighter yellow zebra striped mini). To give you a little context, even Snooki thinks she looks like "a two-cent hooker." Deena acknowledges she's got a bit of the street walker chic to her as well, then wonders, "So where are we even going?" Oh, that question works on so many levels...
I'm not sure where they think they're going to find a drink at 7:30 AM, but they do make innovative use of the scenery for a Top Model-style pose-off. (Frankly, it's more compelling than anything Mr. Jay and Tyra have turned in for several seasons.) They find an open cafe and clarify for the hostess, "We're not hookers, we're just Jersey." Snooki says they plan to get Meatball Wasted (is that like Chocolate Wasted?). Instead, things take a turn for the misguidedly introspective as Snooki philosophizes, "Dude, we're living our freakin' lifes." Deena counters, "I'm dying." They both lay their heads down to mull that over. Some time later, they wake up and decide to leave. On their way out, a man bids them, "Go to sleep. Relax." When a foreign stranger is giving you that kind of advice... uffo! They arrive back home to find their roommates awake. Pauly jokes, "Holy leopard skin. What do they put in the alcohol in this country?" In fact, Snooki's so drunk she can't even get into her bed, so she collapses into a little (Meat)ball on the floor.
While they sleep it off, Ronnie readies the barbecue for a change from the pasta and pizza. And by "readies," I mean sets a 1.5-alarm fire. The alarm being Pauly's vuvuzela voice. Ronnie blasts the hell out of the barbecue with the fire extinguisher, then drags Sammi with him to buy groceries for Sunday dinner. Once they're back home, they begin to unload as Deena stumbles out of the bedroom with hangover face. JWOWW asks if she can do the dishes. She knee-jerks, "No." Sitch says she never does anything and thus waketh the sleeping Meatball. They agree that they have mutual disdain for each other, which probably would have been all well and good.
But! (There's always a but...) Sitch takes it a step farther, screaming, "You're a woman! Do something!" This is a thoroughly useless comment on several level, except to arouse Deena's rage. She throws a spatula at him, so he calls her fat. Because clearly that's the logical step. She gives as good as she gets, telling him, "I can lose weight for free. You need about 10 grand to fix your fuckin' face." Vinny and Pauly are quick to jump on Deena's side, and Vinny thinks it must mean something that Sitch has been in more nonsense confrontations in Italy than anyone else in the house.
All the while, former enemies JWOWW and Sammi are surprising even themselves by cooking side by side. Theirs is a friendship borne of others' conflict, it seems. The food is prepared, and they sit down for their final Sunday dinner together. On a serious note, Pauly tells his roommates, "I've had some of the best days of my life here." Vinny chips in, "I think that, being here, we're really going to appreciate what we have back in Jersey," and everyone says an "Amen" to the fact that they're heading back to the Shore. Because that's what Italy's for -- cultivating your appreciation for Jersey. Oh, guys...
Sammi notes that her Italian experience was especially remarkable because she didn't have (too many) petty fights with Ronnie that resulted in the destruction of all of her personal property. Vinny leads the housemates in a round of applause for SamRo 2.0, and everyone toasts to the fun to come during their return to Jersey.
Vinny doesn't let the good vibes hang in the air for even a minute before announcing that he will be reclaiming his room in the Shore house. Sammi thinks she has a right to stake a claim to it, and thus the squabbles start anew. Sammi suggests that MVP all bunk down together, but Vinny thinks The Situation brings too much drama. Sitch walks out in a feeble protest that goes totally unnoticed. The housemates disperse, with Sammi and Ronnie going into their own room. Sammi reveals what it all comes down to -- she doesn't want to live with "that fuckin' douchebag" (a.k.a. The Situation) because he's bad luck. Back in the kitchen, Team Meatballs also declare their intentions not to live with Sitch. Snooki recognizes that nobody wants to live with him, and they should just put him somewhere, "like in a garbage can."
Suddenly, The Situation announces that no one needs to worry about the displeasure of rooming with him because he probably won't return to the Shore at all. Snooki is more than happy to hear that and bids him a premature farewell. Seeing that this might be her last chance to shit all over him, Deena piles on that she doesn't consider him a friend. Snooki tells him that no one in the house likes him whether they say so or not.
Out on the smoking porch, SamRo 2.0 make a vow to avoid conflict in Jersey by distancing themselves from Sitch as they have in Italy. And it starts... now! Sitch walks outside to join them, and they leave immediately. He interviews that he has no problem standing by himself and that others gang up on him because he's strong. Kind of like that ugly, boring bitch at summer camp who said you only side-eyed her because you were jealous of her looks and talent.
Inside, Sammi explains her perspective to Vinny. She says that rooming with Sitch would give her flashbacks to last year's bust-ups. Vinny says he has his own issues, and Sitch's only options are change or leave. He heads into the living room to talk it over with JWOWW, Deena and Pauly. The girls think it's a lost cause. Even diplomatic Pauly jumps ship in an interview, saying, "To be honest, it's VP. Mine and Vinny's relationship is beautiful." Then he and Vinny pile into a twin bed together. Wait... Things just got weird, no? Pauly explains, "My man Vinny loves me. We have a bromance, and... we get it in." Pauly rips open a condom, and Deena asks, "Can I watch?" They're laughing, but her face is dead serious. Girl misses the penis. Vinny doubles over with laughter, and Deena says, "Oh wow. You're the one? I always figured." She can't help but wonder how "doing sex" would ruin her and Pauly's friendship, but not Vinny and Pauly's. She reports the goings-on back to Snooki. As Pauly displays the unfurled condom, Snooki begs, "Aw, come on! Do it again!"
The day, Sitch interrupts Deena as she's drying her hair. He wants to use her bathroom, so she lets him pass before locking the door and laughing at him for several minutes. He threatens to kick the door down then... does nothing. On the upside, at least it's not the disgusting toilet that practically served as the ninth housemate last season. Eventually Deena stops laughing and calls Ronnie in. He yanks the door hard enough to pull out the door frame but ultimately rescues the Situation in distress. Ronnie jokes that Sitch's restrained showed that "he actually used his head for once... well not like he did on the wall..."
That night, Snooki stays home as the roommates head out. Everyone is having a really good time, except Sitch who is leaning back like a creepy letch on a couch as usual. Only this time he is locked in a prison of his own making. He finally gets up and jumps at the first chance he can to let out his aggression. Some random dude casually shoves him, and Sitch goes off, unleashing a stream of expletives on the guy and pointing his finger in the guy's face. He thinks his friends have his back if things get physical, but little does he know, they are dispersing faster than roaches under a spotlight. Just after Sitch growls, "I'll eat you motherfucker!" he looks around and sees that no one is waiting in the wings. He walks home alone and sits in the living room muttering to himself about being the bad guy. It's a bluster that he barely believes in anymore, but it's the only thing keeping him from sobbing on national television. Back at the club, the kids are having the best night of their lives. And why wouldn't they? The Situation has left the building.
week: Season finale!