Previously: The kids arrived in Italy, and The Situation set his sights on Snooki.
We rejoin the gang at il club, where Sitch is mackin' on Snooki. But first, we get to watch Deena like a pent-up zoo animal as she jams her lingua in Pauly's bocca. If Ms. Cortese has anything to do with it, it'll be called Italian kissing by the end of the night. Pauly indulges her but finally pulls away with a look that's somewhere between embarrassment and amusement. (Also? Merda faccia'd. Translate that one, kids!) Pauly agrees to hook up and cuddle with Deena. She hopes that eventually he'll be willing to put his salsiccia in her figa.
Things aren't looking so good, however, for old Sitchy. When asked what's going on between them, Snickers answers, "He keeps touching me. It's gross." So Snooki distracts herself by pimping out Deena to Pauly. He admits he's giù a scopare but is afraid that he'll hurt her feeling when he inevitably brings home Old World skanks. He says he's never met a girl who could hook up casually without developing feelings. So the jury's still out on the scopare-ing tonight.
As such, Pauly immediately tries to go pick up another girl. We'll call her Human Buffer. Alas, HB has a boyfriend. While Pauly picks up his dignity... or goes back to Deena's open figa, Snooki and JWOWW caucus about the possible developments between Deena and Pauly. JWOWW is on Pauly's side, and Snooki understands this scenario all too well after her past hook-ups with Vinny.
Back out on the dance floor, Pauly has found another ragazza to serve as his Deena shield. Deena walks up to him and yells out but is immediately swooped away by JWOWW. Deena insists she won't get all girly if she and Pauly smush. JWOWW says it's just a matter of time, then. The only questions being when and where. I like how "where" is a question. Then again, this is a girl who pees behind bars when the bathroom line is too long. The kids head back home.
Just walking back in, Deena falls flat on her face. Meanwhile, JWOWW is hobbling around looking for a bathroom because she's "trying not to piss in public... again." Ronnie calls his friend Hannah, who was there for him during all the Sammi drama. Then Deena stumbles around the house some more -- this time with 100% more marionette! Eventually everyone decides to go to sleep. Except Deena, of course. She teeters over to Pauly's bed as scary Fatal Attraction string screech in the background. Pauly remains asleep, so Deena staggers off. His eyes open knowingly for a few seconds, then he goes back to sleeping... or pretending to sleep... whichever will ensure that Deena isn't riding his gallo
The morning, Pauly has located his Annoying Prop of the Season. Sweet lord, I don't know what that thing is, but it sounds like a constipated duck. He honks it in all the girls' faces to wake them up from their "beauty" sleep. After everyone gets ready, Deena and MVP head to the grocery store to get the fixins for Sunday dinner. I'll just quote Deena directly: "God! Everything's in another language!" This after she asks for a pineapple.
They get back home, and Sammi volunteers herself and Deena to cook. Tonight's special: Sammi's "own concoction." Yet she can't even identify garlic and raspberries (which, hopefully she won't be using in any combination). I suspect they'll be looking up "I'd like to place an order for delivery" in their English-Italian dictionaries in a couple of hours. While they cook, Deena announces, "I'm so proud of myself for not falling last night." Roll tape! For some reason, the girls decide to run the dishwasher, which they don't understand because it's in Italian. They set it running and decide it's a good time to leave the house and get some food. Not that they're cooking or anything already... Of course the dishwasher starts to overflow and suds all over the kitchen floor.
The guys return to the kitchen and wonder where the girls went. As they complain about the girls' dereliction of duty, Ronnie looks at the foam-spewing dishwasher and... does nothing at all about it. The guys eventually decide to cook their own Sunday dinner. They're in the middle of it when the girls come home and bitch that they were the ones supposed to be cooking. The guys are chill about it, though, and nothing erupts because everyone gets distracted to realize that Snooki is still sleeping. I'm assuming it's about five in the afternoon at this point. They wake her up for dinner and toast to all of their first times in Italy.
After dinner, Snooki calls her boyfriend Jionni, who chews her out for not calling him for an entire day. Sitch happens upon this tiff and offers himself as a shoulder to cry on. By which I mean fondles her legs and makes it clear that he's more than willing to fill that particular void. Pun intended.
The day, the roommates' boss Marco calls to tell them they have pizzaiolo orientation that day at 3 PM. They know it'll take them a while to find their way there, so they leave immediately. As expected, they can't make heads or tails of the map, and I guess they're walking for a really long time because they somehow end up at The Vatican -- or at least that's what Sammi and Deena think.
They eventually reach their destination. Sammi thinks it's just like Domino's, which is a bit akin to saying El Bulli is just like El Pollo Loco, but whatever. JWOWW looks forward to the day she can be making pizza with her children and grandchildren. They'll asks, "Where did you learn how to make pizza, grandWOWW?" Her response (direct quote): "Bitch, I made it in Florence. That's where I made it, so shut your mouth and enjoy my pizza." Oh, JWOWW! I, too, often dream of verbally abusing my loved ones of the future!
Marco asks Snooki to volunteer and help him make a pizza. She says she wants pepperoni on the pizza, so Marco asks if she means sweet peppers or hot salami. Vinny: "She loves hot salami!" Nonetheless, our little Snickers soldiers on even through what she perceives as a crippling language barrier. To be frank, I understand Marco better than I understand most of the housemates. Snooki successfully makes her pie and Ronnie, always a class-act says, "I mean, if Snooki can do, we all can do it. You know what I mean?" The worst part is that he starts laughing at his own trite little attempt at a joke. Like he just re-invented the frickin' knock-knock joke or something. Vocabulary lesson! The Italian word for "blowhard" is sbruffone. It may be used in a sentence, such as Ronaldo è uno sbruffone.
The kids head back home where JWOWW decides she wants to make coffee. Since she can't find a grinder, she decides to use what appears to be a meat tenderizer, crushing a handful of beans at a time. Needless to say, this is a failed experiment.
And then it's time to go out yet again. As soon as they get there, The Situation finds himself a Britney from Florida. Snooki inexplicably gets possessive and starts trash-talking Britney to Sitch, who dismisses her insults and returns to the easy lay. The kids gets to drinking, and Ronnie drops his signature moves on the floor. He steps away from the groove for a minute to tell JWOWW that his trick Hannah will be coming in a couple of weeks. JWOWW asks Pauly about Ronnie's "back-up chick," and he doesn't really know anything about it. They both worry what Sammi is going to think.
Ronnie returns to the dance floor, acknowledging that he's "in rare form." Pauly says he hasn't seen him this sloppy since his "single Ronnie" days in Miami. At one point he heads into the bathroom and thrusts his ape-like six pack on poor unsuspecting Britney. Then he declares, "I am the pimp daddy mack of this whole place." All the while he has an indeterminate piece of refuse stuck to his eyelid. He heads back outside and brags to Vinny that he pounded out four girls in three days before they traveled to Italy. Well, I guess I should clarify: Technically, he's talking to Vinny, but it's clear his intended audience is Sammi. Instead of ignoring him, she takes the bait, and things get real tense, real fast. Out of nowhere. Sammi walks off to cry to Snooki while Vinny takes Ronnie aside and tells him not to stir up shit, drunk or sober.
The crew decides to head home. Highlights along the way: Ronnie is bragging to JWOWW about calling "sweet... sugar... Hannah?!" and does a face plant. Somewhere else along the route, Deena is slurring about wanting to hook up with some guy, then points out into the distance -- at a cop! -- and asks, "Is that him?" Sammi, her unfortunate other half in tonight's buddy system, has to shush her with the dire warning, "Public intoxication! Stop!" Deena pipes down for just long enough to get past the carabinieri, then protests, "I love you, but I'M! FINE!" She struggles to get up on the curb, attracting the cop's attention once more. Luckily, they're just a few more stagger-steps away from home. She gets into the house and down she goes!
Sitch retires to his room with Britney while Snooki eats directly from a pork leg that is almost as big as her, dropping prosciutto out of her mouth as she snarls, "She's so ugly." Vinny wonders why she's acting jealous, but Snooki brushes it off. Over la camera di smush room, Sitch gets a blowpop. Girlfriend has barely wiped off her mouth before Sitch offers to order her a taxi. Elegance. Everyone makes a big production of saying arrivederci as Britney shame-scampers out after what I can only guess is about 15 minutes. Snooki: "Toodles, whore." JWOWW: "Hope I never see you again!"
Snooki heads out for a smoke break with Sitch and proceeds to ream him out for hooking up with an ugly chick (her judgment, not mine, BTW). Sitch tries to sweet talk Snooki, telling her he would have gone home with her but that she "just not somebody to take home." They agree that they're really close and care about each other more than friends. He says he's grown to love her personality and love her as a person. She puts the brakes on: "You know that we're just really good friends, right? And that's it." He thinks she isn't telling the truth and that there's a spark between them, but she sticks to her guns. Is this really an appropriate conversation to be having, like, five minutes after you just got all the goods from another chick?
The day, everyone but Ronnie and Snooki head out for laundry and food. Vinny tells Sammi he won't have any more of her Ronnie drama. In her own defense, Sammi says she's avoided the fight and went to bed. Vinny congratulates her on that. The group consensus is that Sammi and Ronnie need to stop sticking their noses in each other's business. Sammi says she's doing the best she can. Everyone is ready to move on to the topic, so of course The Situation starts talking about how Ronnie claimed he was going to bring five girls home. Sammi looks at him with a look of pure hatred before she realizes she needs to rein it in and act nonchalant.
They head back home as night falls, and Ronnie and Vinny decide to take a romantic dip in the hot tub. That hot tub that lights up in the colors of the rainbow, if you know what I'm saying. A bit later, it's bed time. Sitch weirdly piles into Deena's bed and attempts to cuddle with her for about 13 seconds before she gets uncomfortable and rolls out, claiming she needs to go smoke.
The evening as they get ready to head out, Deena relates the weirdness to her roommates. They leave the house and head to a rooftop bar where Snooki shouts, "I love Rome! I mean Italy!" And the roommates admire "The Vatican" some more, wherein Ronnie claims that Leonardo da Vinci painted the Sistine Chapel. Vinny: "I'm pretty sure it was Michelangelo." Once they've teased Ronnie a little, Pauly moves on to Sitch, using Deena's story as ammunition. Things get awkward, and Sitch is all, "Just so you know, I don't want you." Say it again kid: Sbruffone. That comment might even get an upgrade to stronzo. Deena feels especially betrayed by Pauly for selling her out. Snooki thinks Pauly should be smart enough to realize that it'll hurt a little extra if Pauly turns on her like that. For his part, Pauly thinks it's no big deal. The gang decides to do a shot and move on.
That night, Pauly gives Deena bracelet he bought her as sort of an olive branch. Everyone heads out and the night starts off strong. Says Vinny, "We're poppin' bottles, we're fist pumping... and it's kind of feeling like we're in Jersey again." Oh, kids. You break my heart. You're in effing Italy, and all you want is the feeling of some trashbag club in Jersey. Pauly does notice one difference, though: The girls are practically still in playpens. Since the drinking age in Italy is anywhere from "None" to 16, he thinks it's imperative to check his tricks' IDs.
The deeper into the party they get, the harder Sammi finds it to stay fun. Eventually, she gets so wasted that she falls over and asks Ronnie to have a talk. Yes. In that order. With sufficient distance from the Ron Ron Juice, even Ronnie knows it's a bad idea. Of course he's super-aggressive and dickish about it. But Sammi won't be dissuaded, so Ronnie eventually has to physically run away through the crowd. A bit later, everyone decides to call it a night. Deena gets stuck in a cab with Sammi, who boo-hoos about missing Ronnie, while the guys walk home doing a statutory rape riff on "You might be a redneck if..." And the kicker? Pauly goes there with the man-boy love punch line. Oh, Pauly.
They get home. Sitch booty calls Britney. Pauly and Vinny go to bed. Deena sulks that Pauly won't get it in. And Sammi decides to reignite the flame with Ronnie as he eats what appears to be balsamic-roasted eggplant covered in ketchup. Yuck. She leans on his shoulder and tells him she misses and loves him and wants to cuddle. Ronnie admits that he still has some feelings for Sam. That said, he'd rather be F-ed in the A with spiked bat than relive the drama that went down in Jersey. He gets up and away from her, totally brushing off the fact that she just put herself out there.
week: Deena is on a mission to find a man... then happens upon a lady... whom Sitch is pursuing. Snooki severs ties with Sitch after he kisses and tells about their hook-up.