Previously on We're "Celebrities" - And Companies Pay us Not to Wear Their Clothes: Snooki rejected Sitch, who acted all schmoopy in love with her. Ron and Sam acted stupid, but at least the show has learned to stop focusing on them. Sitch stirred the pot. And one can only assume that Lady Lola was sickened by this show, which leaves you all with me for the week.
Sitch and Booty Call Brittany finish up their business, he calls a cab, then is accosted by a bird while trying to sleep on their back deck. Which is the entire point of showing us anything about Sitch, I guess.
Much more important is what's going on with Ron and Snooki, who want to work out but cannot read a map (Snooki has an excuse at least: She's supposed to wear glasses but refuses to look ugly. Irony.) to find their way to the gym. So, of course, they stop to ask directions drink wine. Because, for Snooks, drinking a glass of wine in Italy is "legit" like anyone else drinking a cup of coffee. Which means only that she's an alcoholic. Over her wine and his sparkling water, Snooki and Ron talk about his relationship with Sam. Snooki wants them to be together, which she expresses by saying, "Just [bleep] already." She's quite the romantic.
Also romantic: Deena, who's having lunch with Sam and on a mission to find an Italian husband. She's so desperate that she asks the first guy she meets -- her waiter -- and asks for his number. After she gets his number, she tells Sam that "He actually speaks well English." Well enough for Deena at least.
Ron and Snooki have made it to the gym by now, where the trainer's creeping on Snooki (while he helps her lift, she shrieks that she can feel his wiener) and burping wine burps from lunch (or breakfast or whatever meal they drank on their way to the gym). They finish up their workouts and head out to get drunk. (It's dark now. So they spent their entire waking daylight IN ITALY at the gym. Brilliant.)
Back at the apartment, Pauly and Vinny are playing foosball until it's time to go out. On the way out, Sitch tells everyone that Brittany's twin sister is going to join in the festivities tonight. JWOWW tries not to barf. At the club, Snooki quickly gets lost, which leads to shrieking. She explains her new method of partying now that she's in a relationship, because she's committed. This entails dancing with Ron and then telling us how fun he is now that he loves life. Cue Sam coming over to bring him down by wanting to have a serious conversation. Ron tells her he'll talk to her tomorrow afternoon when they're not drunk. She seems to go for it. Deena's waiter, Ellis, shows up at the club, which seems to both surprise and impress Sam. Ellis and Deena start making out immediately, and they do a little Deena special: the Jersey Turnpike. It's hard to believe this is as much entertainment as the editors can cobble together.
After a commercial back, the dancing, making out, and stupidity continue. Sitch's Brittany and her twin sister, Erica, show up and Pauly coins the term "Twinning." Which would be funny except that he explains it to us: "When you got twins, it's cool. So you're winning, but you're twinning. Cuz you got two twin chicks." Thanks, Pauly D. We needed that. Sitch apparently is not desperate, because he tells Brittany and her twin that they're going to hook up later, but he tells us that was his backup plan. I mean, he's already had half of that set of twins twice, which is practically the same as doing both of them once, right?
The gang gathers up to leave -- including Deena and Ellis -- but Sitch's girl isn't waiting for him outside. So he figures he'll hop in the cab and call Back-up Booty Call Brittany from home. Deena tells her guy she's not easy (semplice), so she'll only cuddle. And kiss.
Back at home, Snooki's on the phone with her dad, but Sitch wants to talk to her. Or, actually, he wants to use the phone to call his booty call. While he dials Brittany, he tells Snooki that he really wants to be with her but she has a boyfriend. Snooki thinks he's crazy and is just trying to start drama since she has a boyfriend. Deena and Ellis make out in her room (which you'll remember she shares with Vinny and Pauly) until VP joins in the fun by telling them they'll be right here eating popcorn while they get it in. Vinny yells and screams, trying to get Deena to go to the smoosh room. Vinny won't shut up about it, so Deena leaves Ellis to go yell at them about ... nothing. She just wants their attention, not poor Ellis's. Which he realizes, so he wants to go home. But she talks him into staying. Until he sneaks out in the middle of the night.
morning, the phone rings. Ron answers it and when it's for Sitch, he just hangs it up. She calls again, and Pauly answers. He also hangs up. So she calls again, and Ron hangs up on her again. Pauly thinks they have a new stalker -- "and she's twins." Finally, Pauly answers it and then Ron pretends he's Sitch. He tells her to come over with her sister in an hour, and she agrees. Meanwhile, the real Sitch is still asleep. Ron and Pauly giggle themselves out of the apartment to go get some food.
Sitch is finally awake when the doorbell rings. Deena answers it while Snooki mopes on the phone with her boyfriend, Jionni. She stops moping and starts swearing (because it's daytime) when the twins show up. Sitch greets them a little less than happily. He laughs and tells them it's cool and he's ready. He doesn't know what happened, but he says he goes with the flow. Ron and Pauly get back home, and more giggling ensues when they see the twins. He laughs his ass off in Sitch's room. Sitch, still half asleep if we're being honest, mumbles "Who did this?" He says he didn't remember inviting them over, and Ron just laughs and laughs. Sitch mumbles that he'll be honest: Twins are not a bad deal. Pauly agrees that two hot twins is something worth trying for. All the guys try to entertain the twins, but Sitch pulls them away and takes them to get some breakfast. Which means it must be about 4 PM.
Vinny tells us that Sitch has a "secret agenda" with the twins. Uh, yeah, except that it's not really a secret. Sitch starts talking to Erica, who's apparently a virgin. But still, he tells us, he can get this done.
Ron and Sam go to a rooftop to have their own meal. Sam finds it very romantic, but then tells Ron how she misses him and can't see him with other girls. He says he's just hung out with the guys. She tells him she wants to be with him, and she's a completely changed person now. So he wants to give it a shot, because he obviously loves her and misses being with her. They agree to start over. She tells him how romantic this is. He belches. Really. Then they hug and love songs play and bells ring all over Italy. Or so the editors would have us believe. They kiss, and Ron tells her she needs an Altoid. Ah, romance.
Sam and Ron head back to the apartment holding hands. They both are happy, because everything's going to be different this time. Snooki tells us how weird it is that she misses Sam and Ron's drama, but it's boring without their fighting. Ron tells her they're back together, which makes her excited for a fight. But he says there won't be any of that this time. Snooki wants to tell everyone. Pauly and Vinny play more foosball when Ron comes out in his black V-neck. Pauly and Vinny know that means he's back with Sam (or Snooki told them and the editors didn't show us?). Vinny says this sets us back months and months of progress. Which is hard to disagree with. They rib both of them for being back together. Pauly says he considered suicide if they got back together, which tells you how bad it is.
But there is more important stuff to do, like go to the club. On the way, Snooki asks Sam about sex with Ron. Thankfully, she spares us details. They all dance it up and become the centers of attention they were born to be. Pauly says all of the happiness in the group reminds him of the first time in Jersey. Jaws-esque music plays when the twins show up. Pauly and Sitch both talk about the stalkers, but Sitch says he adapts to handle all sort of things. The whole gang discusses which twin is hotter, and then Snooki tells Erica to [bleep] Sitch, because she wants to help him have a threesome. She doesn't believe Erica's a virgin, but she doesn't care much because this isn't about Snooki. So she tells Erica instead about how much she's going [bleep] Jionni's [bleep] off when he comes to visit.
Sitch is about to head out with the twins when Deena takes Erica away because she seems like a "blast in a glass like me." They start making out, and the whole crew freaks out. It's the "lesbihonest experience" Pauly keeps helping MTV promo. I don't know if Sitch is mad about the steal, but I really don't think he cares much. Although he does talk about how his twinning doesn't happen because of the robbery. He says he's not too upset because he still has one twin. They all get in the cars to go home. Deena and Erica make out all the way home. Snooki sings about Deena being lesbionic tonight. Deena says bringing a girl home isn't the worst thing in the world; it's just not what she normally does. She doesn't think she'd ever date a girl because she really likes penis. "But ... I have fun."
Sitch puts Brittany in his bed and tells her to stay there, then he wanders around to find Snooki. Ron sees them talking, so she tells Sam and JWOWW about Sitch telling him that he hooked up with Snooki while she was with Jionni. Ron justifies telling on Sitch because he's ratted him out on every season. Sitch and Snookie head outside, and he tells her he's disappointed in Deena for being so selfish. Meanwhile, Deena starts to cook some food or something, and her girl ends up climbing on top of Vinny. He's as confused by this development as anyone. But he's a guy and she's hot, so they start making out. They lock Deena out of the room. When she comes back, she's pissed at Vinny for taking her girl, so she takes her back. Vinny thinks the double robbery is pretty cruel. But Erica gets back into bed with Deena and they giggle and cuddle.
Snooki and Sitch are still talking when JWOWW comes and tells Snooki there's an emergency. Snooki goes inside and JWOWW tells her that Sitch told everyone what they did. Snooki says they didn't do anything, but JWOWW's like, "No. He told everyone." Technically -- and I do hate to disagree with my girl JWOWW -- Ron told everyone. Sitch just told him. Snooki's pissed because she thought she could trust everyone in the house. JWOWW tells Snooki to handle this right now. Snooki says she's pissed because she's never hooked up with Sitch. Snooki starts screaming at Sitch, and tells him that he obviously is lying because she loves Jionni. She says she doesn't want to be friends and can't even look at him right now. Wow. Is Snooki developing some sense? The rest of us haven't been able to look at him ... well, ever.
After a commercial, they're still fighting. Sitch tells us we all know he's not a liar; he will admit when a girl rejects him. He tells Snooki he won't lie, because they hooked up two months ago. She tells him he's a douchebag and no one in the house likes him except her. She tells him that he knows she loves Jionni, so he's a liar. He says he doesn't lie. She says she hasn't seen him in two months, so she doesn't know what he's talking about. I honestly can't tell if she's lying or he's lying or they're acting from a script (though I'm leaning toward the last one). Sitch says he swears on anything in the world. Snooki walks away. Ron says he thinks this is good, because he'll find out what's true. Snooki says it's done since he messed with her relationship. Sitch asks if she'd like him to describe what happened, and she walks away screaming.
Deena and Erica are making out and having fun, but Deena freaks out because this is not who she is since she likes penis. So she releases Erica back to Vinny.
The morning, Snooki's crying, asking why Sitch would do this to her. Ron sits down and tries to talk to Snooki, who tells him that what really happened -- and it was more than two months ago -- was that Unit and Ryder (real names, you think?) hooked up so Sitch wanted to hook up with her. She said no, so he went out to the balcony. That's it. Ron says he doesn't know who to believe, because she'd lie to protect her relationship and he'd lie to protect himself, so the only people who know are the two people who were there. (And, you know, maybe Unit and Ryder. Let's call them.) Ron tells Snooki that whatever happened, she needs to woman up and tell Jionni the whole thing so he doesn't find out by watching it on TV. She says nothing happened, and it's done. DONE. Between her and Sitch.
Ron's done with Snooki, so now Sitch is talking to him, telling him he's disappointed he told people. Ron's not having it since Sitch has always stirred shit up with him and Sam. Sitch tells Ron he's sincere, but Ron says bringing home different girls isn't sincere. Ron says he doesn't know what Sitch's intentions are, and it's impossible to tell with him. JWOWW and Ron talk to Sitch, who asks if they don't believe him. They basically say they do, but that he shouldn't have told Ron? I don't understand their logic. About this time, Brittany finally wanders out of Sitch's room. He forgot her, apparently, but he heads back to cuddle with her at last. He says the truth will set Snooki free.
JWOWW tells Snooki she did nothing wrong, and Sitch is just trying to ruin things with her and Jionni, but he loves her and will believe her over Sitch talking shit. They hug on the couch, while Sitch cuddles with Brittany in the bed. I wonder why he's bothering with Snooki when someone as adorable as Brittany likes him. And, let's be honest, she also seems light-years smarter and more fun than Snooki, too. Also: Sam and Ron go to bed together. Vinny and Erica sleep together. Pauly sleeps alone. He's the only one making the proper use of his twin bed, if you ask me.
week: Snooki's not losing Jionni over this, so she knows she has to tell him what's going on. There's huge drama with Deena being a cock-blocker. And then there's even bigger drama in the form of Sitch and Ron fighting.
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, hopes this season doesn't hurt Italy's tourism industry. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.