We forego the "previously" reel this season and get straight into the action, and by "action" I mean Snooki getting a passport photo. First order of business, she has to stand on an apple box because she's so tiny. Second, who wears a floppy leopard print hat, fingerless gloves, and those boots (couldn't tell if they were camo or macramé or some horrifying hybrid of the two) to get her passport photo. Snook, that's who. She says, "You know, Italy's like that big country. No, no! Europe is that big country." Turns out the boots are also leopard. Snooki throws up her hat like Maria Tyler Moore at Olan Mills as she squeals, "Italy!!!!" Credits.
We join Pauly D in Rhode Island, who once again proves that he's probably the smartest person in the house (because the competition is STIFF!) by making sure he's stocked up on international plugs. That 25-minute blow-out isn't motorcycle-proofing itself. Like Snooki and many Top Models before him, he treats the passport photo shoot like he's pimpin' a product. Which, well, he is. And no photo shoot for Pauly D would be complete without the resounding call of "Passports are he-ah!" If he were William Wallace, this would be his "Freedom!"
Apparently everyone needs to get his/her passport photos, and is Deena. Here pose of choice? Drop It Like It's Hot. Incongruously, she says that, in Italy, she plans to bring a guy home "but [she] won't do sex." Further incongruously, she sings that she plans to "do everythiiiiiiiiiing" in Italy.
And then comes Vinny in Staten Island, who is brushing up on his Italian, specifically the phrase for "No grenades please!" He says he wants to find a nice, real, traditional Italian girl. He thinks he's got an edge this year -- what they call in Italian a "barba." Yes, Vinny has grown some facial hair. I must admit, it does make him look more mature. But it's illusory, just like everything on this show.
Annnnnd... back to Snooki. She has a few worries about her trip to Italy: 1.) Do they sell fake eyelashes? 2.) How will it affect my relationship with my boyfriend Jionni? In that order. As Jionni packs her panties for her, Snooki assures him that nothing will happen with Vinny. More gems from the Snooki vault: "I have no idea where Italy is on the map, but I do know what shape it is, and it's like a boot."
Over in Manalapan, New Jersey, The Situation (looking more jacked than ever) gets his passport. He believes that European girls are "more free-spirited" than Jersey girls. If by "free-spirited" you mean, "less likely to shave and give it up," then yes, Sitch, you are right on the money. After his photo sesh, he goes to the barber shop and tells the guys that he would "hit it" if Snooki lost weight. Elegance, thy name is Sitch.
Over on Long Island, JWOWW and her boobies take their passport photos so they can cross international waters. As for the WOWW herself, she is looking like some Mila Kunis in Black Swan up in here. Eat a chicken parm, girl! She reports that she is still with Roger and doesn't anticipate she'll find any 6'4" tattooed juiceheads to scratch her itch over in Italy.
Then come Ronnie and Sammi, which we'll dispense of as quickly as possible. Like ripping off a Band-Aid, folks... ripping off a Band-Aid. Ronnie's machismo buddies urge him not to cry. Sammi and her family make lots of metaphors about being "on top." Scene.
The guys and the girls have separate gatherings where they learn how to interact with the natives. Lessons learned at Deena's house: Snooki has too many bags. Lesson learned at Vinny's house (by way of Google translate): DTF in Italian is "Giù a scopare." But the most important lesson of all from Vinny's family: "Lift their arms. If they got hair, you're good to go."
So the kids make their way to the airport, Crococdilly and all. Both camps hope to make it to Florence first so they can claim the best bedrooms. Because alcune cose non cambiano mai (translation: some things never change). Sweet baby Gesù, I love Google Translate. And how do you say "Blast in a glass"? Esplosione in un bicchiere! The various groups travel through Madrid (boys) and "Does-uhl-dorf" (girls) until the ladies arrive in Milan. Alas, it's not their final destination. Other trials that await them? The search for pesos (good luck with that!), JWOWW's exploding bronzer, and the frantic run for the bus, in which Deena falls on her ass. Deena posits, "I wonder if the boys are going to have this much problems."
Cut to the guys arriving home-free in Florence. Thus is born La Situazione. Vinny says, "It's the most beautiful country I've ever seen." Which, no offense to Italy (because it's crazy-beautiful), begs the question: Which countries have you seen? Regardless, they eventually arrive at their new home. The guys, including Sitch in his head-to-toe white track suit (what?!) race up the two flights to their apartment, where they find an in-house Jacuzzi, among other things. Vinny and Pauly, as well as Sitch and Ronnie, immediately pair off and leave the remaining space for the ladies.
Then Vinny finds the bidet. He half-jokingly predicts, "On a lonely night..."
The girls finally arrive in Florence, totter up the stairs in their mega-heels, and give the boys big hugs. Cue requisite awkwardness from SamRo 2.0 in which Sammi insists, "Ronnie looks good." (In what universe?) Then the guys are forced to care the girls' bags full of spray tan up the marble stairs. The final room draw is afoot, and Deena agrees to room with Pauly and Vinny. She says that she used to favor Ronnie's type, but now she's all about the Lean Mean Delvecchio Machine. She wonders if they can be smush buddies, or as the Italians call it amici con benefici.
With that, Pauly pours out the first Limoncello shots (by which I mean entire cups of Limoncello), and the gang get ready to go out for the night (notte). While the ladies sit in awe of JWOWW's 700cc implants, Pauly learns the limits of his voltage converter. Soon enough, it's shot time again. Also known as the "Ronnie Sits on Side Tables and Breaks Them" hour.
Eventually, the gang heads out. If they don't go to Space Electronica, then that ridiculous trip I took to Florence when I was a teenager will be for naught. Sadly, they start off incredibly slowly, regarding local churches (as you do in Europe) and marveling at the nearby "Ferris wheel" (what you and I would call a carousel).
They decide to take un pisolino piccola discoteca (a little disco nap) before heading out to da club. During which time Deena breaks it to Sitch that Snooki is in a relationship. Word spreads like wildfire that Sitch wants to get it in with Snooki, which I would imagine is of particular concern to her Yeti boots. Yetis and forest fires don't mix, y'all.
As everyone else sits around and shoots the bull, Ronnie drinks all by his lonesome. Even Snooki, remember she of the DWB (Drunk While Boardwalking), last season is all, "That's pathetic." The girls are convinced that SamRo 2.0 will get back together. Snooki goes so far as to ask, "What if he asked you on, like, a romantic date." Sammi seriously doubts Ronnie's capacity for romance. On cue, he makes a fart sound using his hand and his mouth.
The day (no club, boooooo!), Pauly wakes up everyone in his typical obnoxious way... only this time with more props! Vuvuzela, you've been replaced! The kids immediately realize they have no effing idea how to get around or communicate with the natives. As such, they decide to wing it. And the only people who can be their fearless leaders in the process (because they can operate a manual transmission)? Snooki and Pauly. Lord help us all. Even JWOWW is concerned. The housemates separate up by sex into their cars -- which are only slightly larger than Smart Cars and equally hilarious -- and, as you might expect, it's a comedy of errors. As someone who was recently in Spain, all I can say is, "Good luck, schmoes."
The girls quickly lose the guys and head back to the house. As they plot their move, there's an altercation with the local picciones (pigeons). Quoth Deena, "I don't frickin' do birds. I don't do birds. Like, get off me."
Elsewhere, the guys have found a gym whose name appropriately translates to "The Tribe Goes Wild." And in that gym they found a Luigi, a.k.a. the guido Mr. Miyagi. They head home, where the girls are riled up like nobody's business. Snooki decides to get her workout on by doing pelvic thrusts on the house's chairs, rockin' her crunches, and walking up and down the stairs to the apartment. While Pauly notes that it "looks like she's having sex with herself," Vinny takes it to the naughty place by straddling her in only a towel. What a catch!
Night falls, and the gang is amped to go out. For the ladies, that means finding the only plug in the house that works (conveniently in the kitchen, ew) and frying their hair until the sun goes down. For the guys this means plotting their conquests. Specifically, Sitch thinks it's going to happen with Snooki. Like the "fetch" of La Maglia Riva. For his part, Ronnie is dubious. He has seen Snooki's dedication to Jionni and doesn't think The Situation's situation is a worthy trade-off. This coming from someone who was motor boating skags in a South Beach club... but we'll leave that alone.
The gang prepares to head out to da club, and Pauly uses the term "super-excited" for the second time this episode, rekindling my long-lost flame for that motorcycle-proof manz. When it comes time to order cabs, Vinny is the designated talker for the group, though his Italian is broken at best. Everyone is pumped (and they haven't even heard this song!). All the girls' outfits are deemed suitably inappropriate, including Deena's which Pauly calls "a blast in a bra" (uno scoppio in un reggiseno?). Vinny admits that Deena is a busty beauty but still insists that she's just one of the guys. I suspect there will be more on that later in the season. And finally, we learn that most important phrase of all: "Taxi sono qui!" Or as you uneducated Anglos would say, "Cabs are he-ah!"
The kids arrive at il club, which is... not unlike da club, only way snazzier because, let's face it, Florence is a more impressive city than Seaside Heights. The bar is flaming, the ladies are writhing (and paid to be!), and, according to Deena, "This is better than D'Jais in Belmar -- and D'Jais is my best place, just saying." As it were, the guys quickly realize that the ladies in Italy... only speak Italian. Vinny becomes the go-to guy for communication. To which JWOWW says, "Good luck!"
While everyone else jubilates in his/her independence, The Situation decides to tie up the loose end that is Snooki. While everyone stares at the two of them like people watching an unavoidable collision, he moves from hugs to cheek kisses to full-on face plants. To her immense credit, Snooki does not have one second of it. She is not mean. But. It. Ain't. Happ'nin'. Even so, the gang is having the most fun. They're beating up that beat like it won't be back tomorrow and testing out their new language skills. Specifically, Deena to Pauly: "Ti piacciono le tette" (i.e. "Do you like the boobs")? Of course he does. At which they embark on a night-long episode of porn tongue. Deena: "I LOVE ITALY!!!!!"
This season: Lots of making out. Lots of fist pumping (pugno di pompaggio), Snooki runs into a cop car. Snooki and Sitch hook up? Then hate each other? Then Sitch goes crazy and ends up on a stretcher? And, from what I can tell, JWOWW still refuses to eat a sandwich. Alas.