Previously: Pranks were prunk. Vinny unsuccessfully cock-blocked Snooki. Ronnie successfully life-blocked Sammi, so she left, and he was a worthless, crybaby piece of shit about it.
It's a new day in Seaside Heights, and Snooki kicks off the day by kicking her trick out of the house for not being cuddly enough post-coitus. He barely gets two feet out the door before she brags to JWOWW about her sore vagina and calls her friend Nick to hook up. They make plans to hang out tonight, even though she thinks Nick sounds a little ghetto. She tells him to promise her he'll be there to answer her call later that day.
Pauly and The Situation head to work with Deena, who is promptly harangued by their boss for not working through her hangover. She responds as anyone would, by leaving the store for an ice cream break with the boys, then offering herself as the scapegoat so they can stay out for an hour instead of the 10 or 15 minutes they're likely allotted.
Back at the house, Ronnie calls his dad to moan some more about what a hard time he's having lying in the bed he made. His dad offers to come down that night.
Back out on the boardwalk, Pauly and Sitch play games in hopes of winning one of those pocket rocket mini motorcycles. After $100 worth of failing spectacularly, during which time their boss is literally calling their cell phones to find out where they went, they bribe the carnie guy or something and "win" the bike. As they cart it back to the shore store, they wonder how they're going to explain themselves. Instead, Pauly just decides to own and walks into the store yelling, "Busted big-time!" He blames it on Deena for taking a shit (can the scatological references please end now?) and Sitch for succumbing to the siren song of the boardwalk. As you do.
Ronnie's father arrives. They take a walk and hash out Ronnie's problems, which I would argue are far, far longer than a stroll down the boardwalk can cover. Ronnie's dad basically tells Ronnie to suck it up and discourages Ronnie from going home because Ronnie can't escape the sad realization that he's a genuinely horrible person. I'm paraphrasing (and perhaps projecting) a little, obvs. Ronnie promises to tough it out. And I kind of love this scene because it could very well be possible that Ronnie's dad isn't trying to make him a stronger person so much as hold off having to deal with Ronnie's bullshit for as long as possible. I certainly would if I had laid the seeds for that worthless jackhole.
Everyone heads home in time for the sight gag du jour: Juiceheads on tiny bikes! Pauly thinks this diversion is good because it's the first time Ronnie has smiled since Sammi left. I think it's good that they have tiny brains and are so easily amused because it makes my job easier. Win-win!
Meanwhile, Snooki calls Nick. Of course he doesn't answer the phone, so she leaves him a dozen or so angry voicemail and takes her frustration out on the duck phone. JWOWW comes down to fan the flames by suggesting that Nick might have hooked up with another girl the night before. Nice friend skillz, WOWW! As Snooki proclaims she's ashamed of herself, JWOWW calls Roger (a.k.a. Nick's friend and JWOWW's boyfriend-ish) to see what the deal is. Roger tells JWOWW that Nick knows Snooki hooked up with Nick's friend's cousin the night before. Meanwhile, I love how it's totally acceptable to fuck your roommate who has a boyfriend, but hooking up with a friend's cousin is a deal breaker. Oh ye arbitrary rules of the Jersey Shore! And then the plot thickens: apparently Nick's friend and Gianni the bad cuddler's cousin is Jeff, against whom Snooki also slapped her vajayjay. Ronnie echoes Pauly's new refrain: "Busted! Big-time!"
That afternoon, I have the displeasure to inform you, the end of the running toilet joke (no pun intended) is nowhere in sight. Using a borrowed drain snake (speaking of ghetto), Vinny tries -- and fails -- to unclog the toilet. Snooki apparently finds the aroma of feces and musk appealing because she asks Vinny if he wants to bang. She gets down on herself because Vinny won't give her the time of day, and the sex wasn't even that good.
Night falls. As the kids wait for their cabs, everyone gives Snooki a hard time for her one-nighter. Vinny is especially judgmental, which angers Snooki. She claims that he brings home grenades on the regular and should be "proud" of her for getting some. Ummmm... proud? That might be a stretch. She storms out of the room, so he follows to make sure she's not mad at him? I mean, why would she be? He's just calling her a dirty whore for doing the exact same thing he does, but way less. Totally not offensive or sexist! Snooki finally answers the prayers and strongly worded letters of thousands by acknowledging the double standard in the house. Vinny claims he was talking trash about the guy, not her, but it's of scant comfort.
The gang, minus Ronnie, head out for the night. While Snooki takes Vinny's guilty dancing with her as a sign that he might finally be coming around, JWOWW meets some friends of Roger's. After a few minutes of conversation, she realizes that one of them is flagrantly hitting on her. So she tells him to text Roger that she misses him, then makes a quick exit. Subtle yet firm rejection really is an art.
Everyone heads back home. Deena crawls around on the carpet like a drunken cat, and Vinny stumbles his way up to Snooki's bed to cuddle. A few minutes in, he gets cold feet and leaves. The dick part, however, is that he's all, "You don't want to cuddle." Where do these men learn to make women feel like everything's their fault? What a load. Snooki says that Vinny only wants to hook up when he's drunk, and he needs to make up his mind. Wow, there was actually a Degrassi episode about this. Except it involved a transgendered F2M and an alcoholic, both teens. Poor Snooki.
Pauly interviews that Vinny and Snooki's relationship is weird and thinks they should get it over with and have a no-strings smushfest. He says as much to Vinny, but Vinny is skeeved out by the idea of having sex with Snooki one night after she smashed with another guy. Didn't seem to bother him with Angelina. In a weird, sexist way, I guess that means he has respect (and/or feelings?) for Snooki. I don't know whether to be impressed or offended. Which I guess is the unofficial tagline for this show.
The morning, Ronnie calls Sammi. He says he wanted to hear her voice, that he almost left the house the day before, and asks what their status is. She calls him out for only appreciating her now that she's gone. She says, if she comes back, she will be there for him as a friend. Ronnie doesn't think that's possible, not just because it's Sammi but also in general. Methinks he only believes this because he treats girls like crap and they don't want to be his friend afterward. He says that he won't be able to be in the same house as her if she comes back. I think if she is stupid enough to subject herself to this again, he should hang on for dear life. Sammi may just be pathetic enough to make it work!
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That afternoon, Snooki and Deena have a marshmallow fight that climaxes with them literally sticking marshmallows all over the house. Now the duck phone has a sugary toupee! The Situation heads downstairs to make some phone calls and notices the marshmallows all over the place. They interrupt his phone with his sister, so he decides to exact his vengeance by offering to call the cab for them. He instructs the cabbie to tell them they're going to the bar, when in fact they will be headed to Times Square. Holy God, I don't even want to think how much that cab fare will cost. But then, Sitch tells them he's paying for the taxi and that he'll meet them there. Pauly arrives, questions them to no avail about the marshmallowification of the house, then is taken aside by Sitch to be let in on the plan. Pauly guffaws at this prank and deems the girls too dumb to realize what's going on. As if anyone would ever fucking think that they'd be sent on an 83-mile, 110-minute cab ride by their roommate. Though, if they let the cab actually take them out of the city limits, then they really are that dumb. And I won't be entirely surprised.
While the driver tells the girl that they're going "the back way" to the bar, the guys plan to head out for dinner. Only, The Situation takes his sweet time to the point that Ronnie leads a coup d'Sitch, and they leave without him. Awesomely, the title card between scenes reads: "DITCH SITCH." On the way to the restaurant, Pauly grouses to the guys that Sitch tried to pick up his ex-girlfriend at the club the night before. They all agree it was a grimy move.
Meanwhile, Snooki and Deena slowly realize they've been in the car for more than an hour.
Back at the house, Situationally speaking, karma's a bitch. Sitch comes downstairs to find that his buddies abandoned him. He snuggles up on JWOWW's dog and chats with JWOWW about the guys' breach of etiquette. They decide to go get their own dinner and bring it back to the house, where Sitch literally eats five entrees by himself while having fake conversations with his roommates. I think it's meant to be funny. It's sad. Especially when crosscut with scenes of the others enjoying their dinners. That Sitch, always eating his feelings.
Over in Hazlet, Sammi packs up her stuff and prepares to return to the shore house. Probably because the producers literally threatened to murder her. Her mom and sister give her a pep talk that largely consists of, "For the love of God, don't take back Ronnie!" Sammi starts to leave, claiming the 72 hours she spent at home have made her a stronger, more self-actualized woman.
Back in the cab, things get increasingly tense as the girls realize that Sitch sent them to New York City. As the sun falls, they vow never to speak to him again. I hope this cab driver realizes he isn't getting paid for this shit. On the upside, Deena and Snooki convince the cabbie to take a pit stop at a liquor store so they can get wasted on the way back home. They end up happy to have gotten out of the house on a "road trip."
The guys arrive home from dinner to find a simmering Sitch. He claims they were cowardly, like troops without a general. I'm not so sure about that. The scene changes -- not with a title card but with a revoltingly loud belch from Vinny. When not assuming the fetal position in his bed, he goes to the confessional to say, "Every time I eat at Rivoli's, I want to die." What an endorsement. Ronnie and Pauly also lie down in various places throughout the house. JWOWW confirms for the guys that Sitch is mad after all he's done for them. Pauly thinks he deserved it, though he does offer Sitch some of his leftovers. Ha!
On the cab ride to nowhere, Snooki and Deena decide that Vinny now owes Snooki a smush for keeping this expensive secret from her. They head back inside with their bottles of liquor, screaming about what a good time they had clubbing in the city. It turns a little sour when Snooki calls Sitch a fuckin' asshole and a jerk-off. Sitch says they "defy the laws of intelligence." He assures them his prank didn't come from a bad place and insists they were supposed to be able to turn around at any time. Nevertheless, Snooki and Deena resolve to get back at him.
The girls head to their room, where Snooki bitches that she's pissed off at Vinny and Pauly, too. Vinny comes in and hugs up on her, begging her not to be mad at him. He claims it wasn't any of his business and he didn't want to be a snitch(uation). Then Pauly joins in and cuts the tension immediately by making fun of all the drama by saying he's mad at them for being mad at him. He gets serious and asks when the girls finally realized they weren't, in fact, going to the bar. Ronnie says he was sure they would realize. To Snooki's credit, even she's like, "Really? Us?" Self-awareness is important, y'all.
The conflict over, the gang decides to head out to Karma, though Ronnie jokes they should take separate cabs. Snooki charges him to make some Ron Ron Juice. As the merriment begins, everyone is ignorant to the fact that Sammi will arrive back any minute. She skulks back in, and Pauly is the first to notice. Ronnie, who was joking a split-second ago, drops his face like something out of a silent film. While she hugs everyone hello, he cranks up the blender in a not-so-silent act of protest, glares at her, and heads outside alone. You know now he's going to be bitching about how everyone isn't paying attention to him anymore. Ugh.
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week: Ronnie is desperate to get back into Sammi's good graces. ToiletGate 2011 continues. And Snooki goes all Fatal Attraction on Vinny.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see our list of the pros and cons of dating Sitch!
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