Previously: I missed a real zinger! Thanks, DeAnn Welker, for suffering through Ronnie's anal probe and Snooki's irrefutable ASSeration that seawater is salty because of all the whale sperm. Yeah, I watched it anyway. We're all in this together, guys. Sing it with me now, "Get crazy, get wild! Get crazy, get wild! We're at the Jersey Shore, bitch!"
It's morning at the Shore. As such, it's another day, another shame spiral. Ronnie wakes up Sammi to tell her that her actions the night before were uncalled for and sickening. The Situation wants them to break up already and spare the rest of their repetitive melodrama. He tells Sammi -- who still claims they're together even though they fight all the time, gah! -- that it's never going to get better, particularly in light of their problems in Miami. She admits that Miami broke her. Ronnie overhears their conversation and gets angry with Sitch for playing both sides.
He relays Sitch's betrayal to Pauly and Deena later, telling them he's going to "put him in his place." Pauly tries to distract Ronnie by taking him to the boardwalk for some guy time, and Deena takes Sammi for a girls' day out... on the boardwalk. Idiots. I mean, I know these are not creative people and that there probably aren't a lot of options from the get-go, but couldn't they have thought of a plan that wouldn't inevitably mean bumping into each other? Nope. Apparently not. So, when the inevitable happens, Ronnie blows off Sammi, causing her to hallucinate that he was with another girl and decide to pick up another guy right then and there. All the while, Deena is loving having a gal pal with more game than Snooki.
The girls return home, arms full of stuffed animals and random guys' numbers. Ronnie announces to them, plus Pauly and Vinny, that he has a lot to discuss with The Situation. Despite his bleeding rectum, which I suspect was oozing the color of Hawaiian Punch, he mixes up a super-sized portion of Ron Ron Juice. Pauly worries Ronnie's going to "pop off." Sammi tries to chill him out, but it only makes him madder. As Sitch walks toward the door, Ronnie tells Sammi, "Sit down, get out your popcorn, and watch."
Sitch walks in and asks if anyone wants to go to dinner. Ronnie immediately throws out a jab that he should ask his friend Sammi. Sitch obliviously claims they're all friends, to which Ronnie flatly replies, "No." Ding ding! Ronnie throws down the gauntlet, saying Sitch played him. Sitch says he's been telling them both the same thing -- to break up. Ronnie ridiculously says it's none of his business, which has about 15 levels of absurdity, particularly since Ronnie's vomiting and their fighting has cock blocked him at least once in the last week.
They get down to the nitty gritty when Ronnie accuses Sitch of not having his back, specifically when Sammi asked him about the content of the narc note last year and Sitch gave the weakest non-denial since "It depends what the meaning of 'is' is." Ronnie insists that The Situation inserted himself into their drama (bullshit), and Sitch insists he was neutral (bullshit). Ronnie claims Sitch isn't observing guy code. After several minutes of Ronnie's squeaky, 'roid raging, Sitch apologizes, which he claims in an ass-covering interview later was because he was taking the high road so as not to start a fight. They hug it out while the others pick their chins up off the ground. Sitch tries to make a joke to disperse the tension, but Ronnie's in no mood to laugh since he was denied the chance to hit a clown.
The crowd disperses, and everyone gets ready to go out. JWOWW anticipates a good night with Roger before he leaves for a long vacation. They head out for Mexican, advised by Snooki not to eat the beans. Just as they settle into their oversized margaritas, several of Roger's friends parade through and interrupt their one-on-one time to JWOWW's annoyance.
Back at the house, Sammi takes Ronnie aside to beat their favorite dead horse once more. She wonders how he could see her crying and lie to her face. His response? "Which time? Which time?" There are no words. If you have to ask which time -- and, more to the point, you're still shameless enough to do it so defensively, then it's kind of a moot point which time. There shouldn't have been more than one (or one at all) in the first place, you wallbanger. He comes back at her, saying he has enough respect and love for her to admit he was wrong. In the breath, he calls her dumb. Also, there's some history about giving out numbers and ignoring phone calls that he throws in her face. He tells her to man up. She says she never made out with anyone or embarrassed him like he embarrassed her. She says he doesn't deserve her. At which point it's proposed for the nine billionth time that they go their separate ways. Regardless of that, isn't there a point at which they can just say, "We're even"? I mean, no amount of tabulating all their various offenses against each other (not to mention their offenses against humanity, which is basically, you know, being themselves) is going to make this shit right. Meanwhile, I think the dead horse just came back to life, stood up, and walked away all, "I quit this bitch."
Ronnie walks off, and Sammi finds her girls for consolation. They tell her to go out with them to dance and have fun, and they specifically advise her not to hook up with anyone. Sammi senses that Ronnie will get drunk and do something shady, probably because it's his approach to life. She pouts and whines, "I love the dick [Ronnie]." Says Snooki, "I love dick, too." Bless her for trying to lighten the mood. The girls primp and preen while the guys plan their creeping plan. Ronnie warns that "Single Ronnie's coming out to play."
Ronnie heads upstairs to get something from his room, where Sammi is getting ready. She foolishly asks him what he'll do if a girl approaches him. He foolishly (obnoxiously) answers that it doesn't matter because they broke up... literally five minutes ago. Mascara runs down her cheeks. They get into it again that each one is only thinking of him/herself and have a pissing contest about which one of them should move out of their room. Ronnie announces that he's got dibs on the Smush Room that night. The guys downstairs hear their screaming and resign themselves to the fact that SamRo 2.0 is never coming back from the abyss of their idiocy.
Somewhere amidst the fight, Ronnie goes into the closet and starts throwing Sammi's stuff out of the house. The Situation happens to be in the room getting his nighttime sunglasses and admits it's the worst fight between them he's ever seen. So what does he do? Call all the other roommates up to watch, of course! And watch they do as Ronnie grabs Sammi's bed and starts to move it out of the room. Even after she jumps on the bed, he doesn't stop for a minute or two.
He walks away from the fight, slamming the door to their room. Sammi follows behind, and Vinny tries to hold her back. She kicks the door open and screams over and over that she hates Ronnie and wants nothing to do with him ever again. He slams the door in her face. She kicks it back open, at which point Vinny switches over to holding back Ronnie while Pauly grabs Sammi. They carry the fight into another room, then out onto the balcony, ripping down curtains as they go. Sammi keeps shrieking that she's had enough and wants Ronnie to stay away from her... all while following him throughout the house, literally flinging herself at doors to be near him for one more second. And I'm pretty sure at one point he threatens to beat her up, you know, as loving and respectful boyfriends are wont to do. In case it wasn't grimy enough for you, Ronnie yells that these fights are exactly why he cheated in Miami. He bellows, "I got girls cooking me dinner. I've been with you for a year. How many times have you cook
ed for me? None, you fuckin' useless, spoiled bitch." Like, why are the cops not being called right now? No one has gotten smacked yet, but it's domestic violence 101, this shit. Oh yeah, because people like The Situation live here and think it's too much fun to watch. Also? I know that you could say this about virtually any scene from this show, but seriously, what is wrong with these people?
Vinny finally calls for it to quit, and Pauly takes Sammi elsewhere while Vinny tries to cool Ronnie off on the balcony. Sammi says she can't live with Ronnie. Apparently he's on the same page as he resumes throwing her shit out of the house. He starts with her clothes and finishes what he started with her bed. Sitch figures it's wiser to let this scene ride rather than trying to intervene anymore.
Ronnie leaves with the guys, walking through the living room where Sammi is and calling her a slut along the way. Which, of all the insults you could fling at Sammi is probably the least appropriate. You had a whole diamond mine to choose from Ronnie, and you chose the lump of coal. Sheesh. Alas, it seems the other girls in the house are determined to make that coal sparkle, though, because they decide to goad Sammi into a preemptive attack against Ronnie. They decide to slut her up, get her drunk, and find her some random dude to bang in retribution. Oof! Given the supremely misogynist structure of this world, we already know that plan is going to backfire on every possible level.
But first! They have to go to Sammi's closet to get her a hoochie uniform. They get upstairs, and she wonders aloud, "Where's my bed?" Heh. Meanwhile, the girls move Sammi's bed -- or what's left of it -- into their room downstairs. Dopey music ensues as two people who practically qualify as little people try to move a too wide, too heavy bed frame down a narrow stairwell. Snooki says, "It's kind of like an analogy of Vinny's penis not fitting into my pinhole." Speaking of pins, Snooki's humongous titties are at one point pinned to the wall by the bed frame. Good times. The girls finally give up and decide to abandon the bed frame. They grab the mattress and surf it downstairs to the girls' room, which appropriately "smells like vagina."
By this point, JWOWW and Roger have caught up with the guys. The girls make their way over to the exact same bar (see above re: boardwalk). Sammi hikes up her titties in her approximation of a slut dress, a.k.a. something that looks directly from JWOWW's Filthy Couture fashion line (RIP!). With Ronnie a few feet away, she climbs up on a table and calls out, "I need a fucking hot guy, right now. Hot guys, come here!" For her part, JWOWW thinks it's on and gives her brusque approval: "Let's the games begin."
Sammi stumbles around the club like a top-notch asshole and literally finds the first guy possible to grind up on. Deena and Snooki cheer her on while Sitch tries to take Ronnie out of the room to get his mind off of what's happening. Instead, Ronnie pulls out the DSM (Double Standard Manual) and registers his disgust that Sammi would dare pretty herself up and dance with another guy just 45 minutes after they broke up. Nevermind that he said about 37 minutes ago that he was within full rights to hook up that night, then loudly claimed the Smush Room for himself. And just in case I was wrong about his threats in the midst of their fight, Ronnie spells it out in an interview that he wants to ring Sammi's neck. He marches up to her and curses her for dancing with someone. She watches with a malicious smile on her face as he walks away.
He and the guys head home. He moans about her dancing with someone else, "Whether you're broken up or not, I think that's disrespectful." But only for a girl? Okay, just checking. He hulks into their room and starts literally ripping her shit up. Any clothes that didn't get thrown on the balcony earlier? Gone. Portable shelves, broken in half. Hot rollers, hurled on the floor. Toiletries, flung in the sink. He kicks, throws, and smashes every conceivable thing of hers in the room, finishing it all off by pushing her bed frame onto the balcony. The Situation surveys the damage and concludes tersely, "Now that's a break-up right there."
Sammi walks home with Snooki, afraid of what she's about to see. She staggers into the room as she takes it all in, finally collapsing onto the carpet in tears. He even broke her glasses. That's cold. She takes them up to the deck, where Ronnie and The Situation are shooting the shit. Ronnie immediately tells Sitch to evacuate. She asks him to explain how he could literally destroy everything she owns. He weakly responds that it was because of what he did to her that night. Okay, so backing it up on another guy (post break-up) = smashing thousands of dollars in personal property to bits? Just so we're clear.
Sammi finally calls to light the whole construct of this bullshit, seasons-long arc. "It amazes me how you [a man] can do what you've done and get away with it like murder. But the one time I [a woman] do something out of spite, it's not okay for you." If only she hadn't burped right after saying this! I'm talking open mouth, y'all. Regardless... Ronnie claims Sammi embarrassed him. In front of whom? He's already done all the ground work himself. Ugh. She mentions that it calls to mind their conversation earlier where she claimed she'd never embarrassed him like he's embarrassed her. Well, apparently now she has. But it's way past the point of even now. He took it past that point about the time his shit started flapping in the wind toward the Atlantic Ocean.
She asks what he wants from her. He says he wants respect. She says she does, too, and reminds him what hateful things he said to her earlier. He gets up and ape-walks over to her, threatening to do something nefarious with her glasses if she talks to him for the rest of the summer. He loses his track, though, when he circles back around to the fact that she was dancing with another guy and crushed him... like he crushed her glasses. He calls her a piece of shit, claiming that he had enough respect to cheat on her in Miami when she wasn't around. Oh! So that's what respect is? Now I see. He tells her that dancing with the other guy that night wasn't respect, it wasn't love, and that she showed her true colors that night. Just like how he showed his love, respect, and true colors by smashing the shit out of everything she owned 10 minutes ago. Sorry to belabor the point, but for the love of Ray J this is depressing, angering, ridiculous, mind-floodingly batshit insane. He concludes the conversation, walking off and declaring, "You disgust me in so many ways..." It's mutual, scumbag. And then he goes to the bathroom and cries like a bitch.
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Meanwhile, JWOWW brings Roger home to give him a surprise he won't forget while he's gone -- a view of her in a pleather dominatrix outfit with chaps and lots of laces. Of course, she performs her little fashion show in the main room of the house with drunken Deena and Snooki watching. Snooki admits that JWOWW is "like, porn star hot" (ugh) and that she'd probably have sex with her if Roger weren't around. The kiddies head into the Smush room, ignoring Snooki and Deena's requests to join in.
The morning, Roger leaves for his mission trip to Burundi with a brand new outfit for the kids in the village! After he leaves Pauly, Sitch, and Deena talk over what went down the night before. Pauly thinks it's not right that he's this stressed about someone else's relationship. Sitch mentions with no small amount of smugness that Ronnie was crying all night long. He redeems himself slightly by mentioning the absurdity that Ronnie took issue with him for not observing guy code when he wrecked all of Sammi's stuff and didn't follow "general human code." They decide both Ronnie and Sammi owe the roommates an apology. Pauly half-jokes that, if this continues, he'll consult the phone book and put up SamRo 2.0 in another shore house for the rest of the summer to get some peace.
Later, Snooki and Deena hit up the bar for fattening food, shots, and an unfortunate view of a guy in neon yellow shorts. Tight shorts. Wiener-clingingly tight. So tight that they feel compelled to make fun of the guy to his face. After, they both give their assessment in a later interview that feature shots of roasting wienies in the background. Snooki thinks it wasn't big enough to merit that sort of tightness. They eventually shake hands, bid adieu, and tell him, "Thanks for coming... I see your wiener!"
That night, the unintentional, yet still heavy-handed metaphor for the wreckage that is Sammi's life still lies on the floor of the room upstairs. She ponders what to do . She calls the girls aside for a private powwow and tells them she wants to go home so she can move on. She calls a cab and starts packing. She tells Vinny and asks him to let her spread the word on her own. Pauly notices the girls are all gathered upstairs, which is unusual, so she calls him up to break the news, then Sitch.
Downstairs, Ronnie proves once and for all how ineffably vile he really is by asking, "What, she apologize for last night?" I think I'm about to smash something at that bullshit. In any case, Vinny sort of betrays Sammi by telling Ronnie not-so-subtly that Sammi's impromptu meeting upstairs "has something to do with packing and rhymes with... [10-second pause, oh Vinny!] 'weaving.'" Ronnie doesn't believe it and goes upstairs to take Sammi aside.
First question out of his mouth? "What'd I do?" It's worth noting at this point that his T-shirt says "KILL YOUR TV." I think I might just do so at this point. O. M. G. Sammi -- not known for her steadiness of mind -- undertakes the foolish task of arguing with crazy and tries to explain to him exactly what he did wrong. She stops short when the tears start pouring down her cheeks. He condescends that they both embarrassed themselves last night. What kind of bunk is that? Seven of us went to the club, danced, and had fun. One of us destroyed an entire room of property and generally acted like a monster. Which of these is not like the other? And we're to believe that they both embarrassed themselves last night? Uh huh.
He tells her to come sit to him and for once she refuses. She tells him she's leaving. He's awestruck. Finally his own awfulness has caught up with him. He clearly thought the day would never come. The day when actions had consequences. Imagine! Meanwhile, she's the one crying. He interviews that he could see it in Sammi's face that she was broken, and he didn't know what to say any more. Because he broke her. And yet! He follows her and tells her, "You want to go home? I'm gonna let you go. As much as it kills me." Then he wraps his meaty, sweaty, bulging, ape arms around her. And she doesn't push away. I am dry heaving. You see what he did there? He's letting her go home, even though it really hurts him. You see, he's got the power to let her go, but she's the one responsible for his pain. He has all the power, she has all the blame. What a wretched example of humanity. It's not even funny at this point.
Sammi's cab arrives. Pauly announces, "Cabs are he-ah!" But it's sad this time! Sammi hugs everyone else goodbye and says she needs to be with her family who love and supports her. Not in this toxic relationship (my word). And that fucker Ronnie has the gall to watch her go. Oh go stab yourself in the eye, you piece of trash. And you, too, Sitch, for hugging Ronnie like he's the fucking one who needs comforting. What was that about playing both sides? Ronnie interviews that he misses and loves Sammi, that he thought this day would never come, and that he regrets all the negative things he did to her. The sad part is, he'll wake up tomorrow like it never happened and set about stomping on the soul of some sad, lonely, desperate-for-validation, new girl. And there are plenty for the picking on the Jersey Shore, if anecdotal and videographic evidence is worth anything.
week: Snooki brings home a guy, so the guys cock block her as is only neighborly. Ronnie is so devastated by Sammi's departure -- especially after JWOWW takes it upon herself to remove all Sammi's stuff -- that he considers leaving, too. And so the dominoes fall.
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