By DeAnn Welker
Previously: SamRo fought and cried and made up. Sam hated JWOWW, and was completely horrible to her, but the gang talked her into staying. I have to assume they were contractually obligated to do so. Sam made up with JWOWW. Sort of. Opening. Am I the only one who thinks they could use some quote updates there? I am pretty sick of "I'm the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet" and Ronnie's crazy laugh. Anyway, we pick up right where we left off, with JWOWW and Sam hugging and making up. Which leads to much group binge-drinking and fun. Until Sam gets annoyed that Ron's having a fun time. He says it's one step forward and two steps back, but she explains that he got drunk and motorboated some girls' "girls" when he was drunk, so she just can't trust him. Then there's Sitch, Pauly, and Vinny -- all having a grand time with ladies. Mike brings one home, followed by cranky Sam, followed by Ron and some other fools.
At the house, Mike and his girl go to bed while Ron asses out on the bean bag chair. When Sam tries to talk to him, he drunk-walks himself up to bed. She follows him with whatever food she's made him and then tries to feed him like a baby in his bed while he shakes his drunk-ass head. Gotta say: The guy's got more sense drunk than sober. He explains later how much the room was spinning, as it shows him pushing Sam away before throwing up. Dude! That is exactly how America feels about this relationship. Sam freaks out and runs away because she can't do throw up, but she somehow stuck her hand in it. Mike and his lady stay in the other bed.
The morning, JWOWW finds Snooki sleeping in the dog pen and drags her to her bed. She tells Deena where she found her and they giggle, while Snooki stays passed out in her bed. Ron wakes up still sick, and tells Sam he's bleeding when he goes to the bathroom. Sam asks the question that no one is wondering: "Why is Ronnie bleeding out of his ass? I have no idea." Then she heads to the doctor with him. And the doctor, for some reason, agreed to be on camera so we get to see the whole goddamned thing. Unfortunately. The doctor tells Ron they'll "check out the area," but won't do anything crazy with scopes or anything. Ron laughs uncomfortably then lays down to let the guy check out his ass. Sam sits in the waiting room as the guy feels up Ron's butt. Ron grimaces, as Sam just smiles in the waiting room, so happy to be there for her juicehead in his time of ass pain. The doctor tells Ron that he messed up his asshole by drinking too much. Wow. They must drink a lot in Seaside, because I'm from a town of alcoholics and have never heard of anything like that. Back in the waiting room, Sam laughs at Ron, who assures her it's not hemorrhoids or anything like that. Because it's so much better to drink until your ass explodes, I guess. (Right about now I am wondering if Lady Lola knew this episode was going to be all about Ronnie's ass, and that's why she needed a fill-in recapper. Because... I wouldn't blame her.) Thank God for commercial reprieve.