Previously: Everyone came brought their Jersey funk to Miami. Even Angelina, a.k.a. the one that everyone hates. And Ronnie smushed up on some stripper, but Sammi doesn't know it yet...
We return to the first-night shenanigans in progress. The guys and Angelina return home, where Ronnie brags about macking on all the chicks in Miami. When all is said and done, he cockily decides to go spend the night in Sammi's bed. The Situation takes particularly offense to this, though it's unclear whether he's more offended on Sammi's behalf or because Ronnie has managed to upgrade from the grenades at the club. I'm guessing a little more Column B than Column A. Of course he's encouraging Ronnie every step of the way -- to his face. Sitch is slippery like that. As is Ronnie, who slithers into Sammi's bed and lies that he didn't do anything that night because he loves her. Vinnie interviews that the shit is imminently going to hit the fan.
The morning as the whole gang wakes up, Ronnie is especially strung out, claiming he "had a Snooki night." Haven't we all? Pauly brags to a friend on the phone about how Ronnie was creeping hard at the club, including but not limited to stripper poles, and then came home to get in bed with Sammi. And the best part is -- get ready for it -- Sammi doesn't know! Pauly classifies this as "gangsta," something he'd do. Regardless of the skeezy status of Ronnie's actions, I'm sure Angelina will fuck it up for everyone when and if necessary. It's what she does, y'all. Ruins everything. The Scott Baio of the Jersey Shore, if you will.
As they head into the kitchen, Pauly says that Ronnie's new nickname is IFF, which stands for the "I'm Fucked Foundation," of which Ronnie is both the President and a member. Ronnie doubles back to ask if he three-way kissed anybody. Yes, you did my not-so-good man! Cue video footage! And the oral herpes lives to tell. Ronnie tells Pauly he's supposed to stop him from that sort of creeping. To which I say, "If you're putting Pauly in charge of your accountability, you're fucked." Or part of the I'm Fucked Foundation, as it were. Ronnie acknowledges that Sammi will be super-unhappy about his three-way kissing tomfoolery but consoles himself by saying she doesn't have any right to be since they're not together. And, I mean, it's not like he came home from da clubz and creeped on her or anything... oh wait.
So Sammi wakes up. And so the beating around the bush begins. While drinking from a black Dixie cup ('cause Miami's sleek like that), she reminds Ronnie that he was an obnoxious prick that called her a word-that-rhymes-with-hunt the night before. Ronnie sits there, dull and dumb (as in unable to speak, but also thick as molasses) as usual. Sammi stares him down, unwilling to believe that he really doesn't remember what a jackass he made of himself. But also she's too weak and desperate for attention to push him for honesty. Commercials.
We return, it's worth mentioning, to an old-timey cinema reel with the first three letters "DEN." Now, I don't know about you, but I'm immediately thinking, "Deny, deny, deny" when I see that. And so the boys do. A bit later, the guys (minus Ronnie) rehash the night before, and The Situation mentions that it was Ronnie's first night out creeping. Of course Sammi hears this and pushes them (not Ronnie, mind you) to spill the dirt. They launch into cover-up mode for their bro and gloss over that he was just really drunk. "To say the least," adds Pauly wryly. Meanwhile all the guys are snickering visibly.
Sammi walks out irritated into the glaring sunlight, where Snooki appears from nowhere to tell her she needs a cocktail. Atta girl! To give you context of how ridiculous this is, the editors cut to Pauly taking a phone call for Angelina and telling the caller that she's still sleeping. These kids sleep late for sure, but it can't be more than one or two in the afternoon. But as they say, it's five o'clock somewhere.
Meanwhile, the guys go out for GTL. In the car, Ronnie insists he didn't do anything wrong. Still, he's worried that Angelina will start "a war." He strategizes with the bros how to best deal with the situation, and they agree that he should admit to dancing with other girls but leave out the three-way make out part. In short, "Deny, deny, deny." Basically, he's banking heavily on Sammi's deep distrust of Angelina. Which would be a pretty safe bet if you didn't take into account Sammi's general stupidity and ready to be drama-stricken over just about anything.
Elsewhere, Snooki, Sammi, and JWoWW hit up the tranny store for nighttime wear. As you do. As JWoWW freely admits, it's right in the wheelhouse of Filthy Couture. For her part, Snooki finds some blinged-out rapper video glasses evocative of Lil Jon's teefs. All in all, it's a waste of time. Bring on Snooki in the sombrero, bitches!
A bit later, all the guys return home to prepare dinner for everyone. Angelina immediately zones in on Ronnie for a conversation in which they both pretend they don't remember what happened the night before -- each with completely opposite motivations, each thinking they're being all clever and coy in their pretense. God almighty, these people are stupid. At any rate, Angelina advises Ronnie to remain single. Probably just because she hasn't banged him yet, and she needs him to make herself a house hub. Good luck with Vinnie there, Ange! Laughably, she says Sammi brings "too much drama." Ronnie blandly agrees, claiming the timing's off.
As this is happening, Sitch finishes putting the chicken in the marinade. He makes a point to tell everyone to make sure to be careful opening the fridge because it would be "funny as Hell" if all the meat fell on top of someone. And you know he is talking about Snooki. Cut to the girls' return. Snooki makes a beeline for the fridge so she can chomp on some pickles. And.... bang! There goes the chicken! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Snooki. The new millennium's answer to Charlie Chaplin.
Later that night, Sammi finds Ronnie's ex-girlfriend's name while looking through the house phone book and, naturally, makes a BFD about it. She confronts him, and he tells her simply to act "like a normal person." I will go on record to say this is the one and only time I'll ever agree with Ronnie. Sammi goes into confession to say how much she loves Ronnie. Because of this love, she says her mind is "fucked up and twisted." I will go on record to say this is the one and only time I'll ever agree with Sammi.
Between drama cuts, the debate over the chicken Snooki dropped on the floor continues. Amazingly, we learn that these kids do at least have one standard: They won't eat chicken off the floor. Weirdly, Vinnie would consider it more than anyone else. Does anyone else find this ironic? So The Situation tries to order some food. Only he insists on ordering under the name "The Situation." Hilarity ensues.
Ronnie heads outside to talk turkey with JWoWW. She tells him it's inevitable that Sammi will find out what he's been up to. He admits the extent of his craziness the night before, therefore making it inevitable that Sammi will find out what he's been up to. Am I the only one slapping myself on the forehead right now?
In another total non sequitur, we learn that the bathroom in the Miami house is translucent, and we can see all of JWoWW's bits. Also, Angelina on the phone all the livelong day, and it pisses off her roommates (who hate her) because she doesn't interact with them (even though they hate her). Also, the show's story editors are struggling to find content to fill an hour in the second episode. Not good.
And speaking of the struggle to make this show happen, it's time for this week's "Reasons Why We Hate Angelina" segment. This week has to do with Angelina talking shit about Snooki's boyfriend (of five minutes). While Angelina and Snooki go back and forth, Ronnie rejoices that the drama isn't all about him for a hot second. Then the camera cuts to JWoWW hulking into the shot, and you know shit is about to go down. Because, if we're being honest, Snooki is a yapping little teacup poodle in the scheme of things, whereas JWoWW is a straight-up Doberman Pinscher who will rip a bitch's neck off. Angelina idiotically claims her main goal of being on this season is to be cool with everybody. JWoWW rattles off a list of all the people to whom Angelina has talked shit about her cast mates. Angelina holds her ground, so JWoWW busts out the neck swivel to show she means business, saying that if Angelina sticks around, she's going to get her ass beat. "I'm gonna be here forever," warns Angelina. Ronnie asks the guys if they want some pretzels because, let's face it, this shit is the circus. It's a sporting event. A spectacle. Meanwhile, Sitch chips in that he sees JWoWW rising up to get Filthy (Couture) and that he can speak from experience, since she smacked him up good last season in AC. He says that Angelina has no idea what she's coming up against. To wit, Angelina claims she's just "being real." Then the phone rings. It's some asking for Angelina, and Snooki tells him, "She died."
As she walks, Palermo-like, away from the altercation, Angelina claims she's not here to fight. Her friend calls back, asking if she died. Ronnie heads to the blender to make some Ron Ron Juice, proclaiming, "It's gonna be a looooong two months." Cue a montage of JWoWW checking on a moping Sammi, Angelina being a hag, Ronnie blending to his heart's content, and Snooki drinking like a fish.
JWoWW returns outside to inform the boys Ronnie told her about his club indiscretions. They revel in the chance to share all the dirty details, bringing Snooki in for good measure. Despite Vinnie's protestations that The WoWW has a vagina -- and therefore can't be trusted -- it's Sitch who finally takes the gossip to the level by spilling that not only did Ronnie break the GFA (Grenade Free America) pact by hooking up with low-level skank, he also consciously (and boastfully, says Vinnie) hooked up with Sammi afterward. Boom goes the grenade!
The morning, Sammi regrets lashing out at Ronnie for snooping in his phone numbers. She apologizes, and Ronnie, like the colossal prick he is, makes her feel like shit. He tells her that his girlfriend was the only person who didn't advise him to leave Sammi when their whole world blew up at the reunion show. He lays it on thick, saying his only downfall is that he loves her too much. Did I mention that Sammi is weeping through all this? Give me a frickin' break. The two jerks try to put their two orange noggins together to figure out how to make it work, but it's really just Ronnie cursing up a blue streak and hypocritically accusing Sammi of not listening to him. All I'll say is that, if the times you say "shit" and "fuck" outnumbers the times you use actual words during a relationship conversation, you probably shouldn't be together. Short story long, they decide to fuckin' work on their shit. Though they don't have the sort of iconic love of Zack Morris and Kelly Kapowski, says Ronnie.
That afternoon, the whole gang reports to their new summer job at a gelato shop. They meet their boss Angelo, who Ronnie characterizes as stern but not a dick. He's enviable in his brevity, I suppose. Amazingly, Angelo does have some concerns with Pauly's hair. He fears that the same tresses Pauly previously claimed to be bullet-proof, fire-proof, and indeed motorcycle-proof will not be gelato-proof. Wouldn't that be amazing? If gelato were the kryptonite to Pauly's Samson-like mane? I'm dying from anticipation.
The burning questions will have to wait, though, because Ronnie decides to get some dumb-ass side-torso tattoo. Sammi joins him for the needling. This act of solidarity apparently seals their bond for the ages. Ah, vapid love!
Elsewhere, Pauly, Sitch, Vinnie, and Angelina head out for sushi. Angelina prides herself on being the only girl hanging out with the guys, not realizing that they're just letting her tag along because they don't care enough to antagonize her openly. They do, however, passive-aggressively remind her that all the girls are gunning for her. Angelina pretends that she doesn't care, giving the age-old "I'm not here to make friends" excuse.
That night, in a further effort to pad the show so it will actually last another 10 episodes, we learn about the guys' pre-game dressing routine. In short, there is a preparatory tank top followed by "T-shirt time" in which the fellas actually put on their finery (a.k.a. whatever Ed Hardy monstrosity they find most aesthetically pleasing) for the night. What this says to me is that these MFers sweat like a whore in church. Who needs two shirts for one night? Also, Pauly D coats himself with at least 20 seconds of Axe body spray. I can't imagine the squiggly lines coming off of that one in person, y'all.
After T-shirt time, the kids finally head out. Angelina gets three-sheets wasted and randomly ensconces herself in the bicurious scene. Meanwhile, Sitch starts publicly smushing on some girl that is too wasted to A.) coordinate her mouth and teeth so she doesn't bite him to the point of bleeding and/or B.) keep herself upright long enough not to fall off the bed-shaped banquette and expose her underwear to America. The bar is high, folks. Also? Pauly hooks up with an engaged girl. Angelina takes this be some sort of a big deal, which is doubly rich because not only was Angelina running around with a married man last season but also, given his escapades with JWoWW, clearly Pauly doesn't give a fuck. And he tells Angelina as much. Her response? "I love you." He responds by walking away and telling his bros to jump on her like a grenade. AFA: Angelina Free America!
Eventually, the kids get home and groan about how they have to work in the morning. The Situation, Angelina, and Pauly are the only ones still awake for the drunk binging. Naturally, Angelina stirs shit back up about Pauly hitting it with a married (read: engaged) girl. Sitch points out Angelina's hypocrisy but still tries to keep things congenial by reminding her everyone has to get their smush on. Pauly, on the other hand, tells her to step the eff off and the only reason he doesn't give her shit about her romantic entanglements is because he hates her -- just like everyone else.
Angelina out of nowhere tells both of them that she loves them and would marry them. Situation escapes in the chicken finger making while Pauly glosses over her heartfelt admission and asks her to stay out of his business. He says the conversation's over, and she starts crying like a little bitch. Oh, but wait! She lashes out, telling Pauly and Sitch that they don't care. And underscored to the sounds of Mike's crumpling freezer bags, she smacks Pauly! It's not even a kick-ass, in-your-face JWoWW punch, either. Just a wilting slap across the cheek as insincere as it was lame. Pauly tries to maintain his composure as Sitch tells Angelina all the kinds of fucked-up she's acting.
Seeing that she won't come over to his side, Situation takes leave. Angelina turns to Pauly, who barely looks at her. He interviews that Angelina had only two friends in the house to begin, and now she has none. The guys head outside to vent about Angelina's bipolar behavior. Of course she follows them out, so Pauly repeats what he said during the interview, only a hundred times louder and infinitely meaner. In sum: "We hate you, Angelina. Drop dead, you stupid skag."
week: Snooki counsels Angelina on how to turn things in her favor. Ronnie and Sammi continue to be the most dramatic yet least interesting couple in history. The Situation and Pauly find Miami-grade grenades. And Vinnie begins his uncle-sanctioned "bang everything" strategy. First stop: Snooki.
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