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Oh, yeah. This is it, people; this is the show. Let's see, before the peanuts that peanuts-eth all day, Hawkins was awesome, Jake was crying, Eric was dumber than frozen snot, Mimi was clever, and Mayor Dad was dead. What? You want specifics, you say?
Here we go. Hawkins does indeed stop that barreling train with that tank, but it sort of doesn't really matter, because those helicopters bring army and bombs and peacekeeping efforts. The head peacekeeper -- one Major "Hottie" Beck -- sits gasp-sobbing Jake and evil bearded Constantino down like two kids in the principal's office and tells them to bury the Mayor Dad-stained hatchet and move on. (Memo: there will be no hatchet-burying today.)
After breaking free from the chains of debt, Stanley proposes to Mimi. But only after she proposes to him first, and also reverses his original debt-freeing contract and secures one that actually frees him from debt instead of pushing him further in it. Point is: Stanley's kind of slow and stupid, but he's still pretty darling.
While Jake and Emily slobber all over each other, which would be incredibly off-putting if they weren't already so wooden as a couple, the more interesting chick-on-Jake interaction comes when Jake sees that Heather's still alive and well and back in Jericho. They share quite the sweet, heartfelt hug, after which Heather is reluctantly recruited by Maj. Beck to be the liaison between New Bern and Jericho.
Remember that hatchet-burying that so wasn't happening? Right, well, Eric and Jake decide to rally the Jericho Rangers and canter over to New Bern to shoot Constantino right between his pretty blue eyes, but first Hawkins tells Jake off for being a grandstanding idiot, and then Maj. Beck shows Jake a healthy spread of dead bodies, and this all has the effect of putting Jake right off his bloodlust. For now. (Something else that might pacify Jake: he's now Jericho's sheriff, but anyone who's seen The Dukes of Hazzard knows how law-abiding sheriffs can be.)
Meanwhile, Hawkins hides out with Darcy in Gramps Green's hunting lodge and only noses out to tell Jake he's an idiot for going after Constantino while Maj. Beck is still around. However, Darcy -- who is working in Maj. Beck's office -- brings back intel that the new government in Cheyenne is still looking for Sarah and also brings back Chavez, a Black Ops pal of Hawkins's, who is doing undercover duty with Maj. Beck's detail. Hawkins and Chavez pool their brains and learn that Valente is still pretty bad and probably bedded down with the new Cheyenne government, and also that the Cheyenne government is perpetrating a big ass lie about the bombs being dispatched from Iran and North Korea. Oh, and a minor point, the evil Cheyenne, Valente-backed government pretty much bombed the poo out of Iran and North Korea, so, you know, the rest of the world hates America even more than before. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
We're back. We're really, really back! Let's see: last time I was reveling in my Big Dumb Jock of a show, I was despondent that all was truly lost. But then! Peanuts rained down on the good people of Jericho, and when the flood cleared, CBS made a covenant never to cancel the show again. (At least not until season.) And as a reminder of this covenant between CBS and the fans, CBS placed a rainbow of Skeets in the sky.
To get new viewers (and old viewers who have senior moments even when they recapped the damn show) up to speed, Jake gives us a somber voiceover of past events. Big booms, red pushpins, lack of electricity, lack of guns, lack of food, kissing, Awesome Hawkins, hidden bombs, a new flag, a new government, and a war between towns. Jake screams, "NOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW!" again, and the screen, she goes black.
When we come back, we're in the Richmond farmhouse. Two army guys -- all helmeted and gunned-up and everything -- guard the door. A lone figure sits, head bent, at a table (but not the kitchen table Mayor Dad died on, because that would be gross) and fiddles pensively with a wedding ring on his battered and bloody hand. The camera scrolls up. Aw, I'd recognize that needle-nose anywhere! Hey, Lassie! Constantino raises his head and gingerly touches the blood clotting at his nose. A teary-eyed Jake is escorted into the farmhouse by two other soldiers. He looks over at the kitchen table of mayoral dying, the pile of bloody rags, and the pool of decidedly undried blood underneath. Okay, I know it's been only a few hours in Jericho-time; however, I can't help being all, "They didn't clean up that mess for nine months?! Gross!" I've been watching too much Monk. Jake clenches his jaw as Constantino turns around to look at him. Big mistake. Jake roars and launches himself at the mayor of New Bern, who scrambles to get out of the line of Jake. Jake holds Constantino down on the table and roars a few more times. (Really, there is no other term for it; he's not saying anything or using words, he's just...roaring.) The soldiers struggle with Jake for a bit until a commanding officer enters the scene via the kitchen. It's Esai Morales as Major Beck, and I'm not going to come up with names or pretend otherwise, because Major Beck is fairly Major Bad-Ass in these episodes. Beck orders the soldiers to hold Jake back, and then orders Constantino and Jake to sit down. He introduces himself and says he's from the Tenth Mountain Division, sent by Col. Hoffman to figure out just what the hell is going on in Jericho. He's currently in the process of taking reports. "Sounds like you two are the ringleaders," he adds, in the understatement to end all understatements. Also, what a way to completely undermine and belittle what they've been going through. "Ringleaders" is what you call bullies in fourth grade who start playground wars with rock bombs and blockade the jungle gym. Yeah, on second thought.... Beck goes on: "A couple hours ago, you were leading the nastiest border skirmish we've seen in months. All in, 136 dead Americans [wait, how many illegal immigrants?], twice that wounded, over 70,000 rounds of ammunition fired." Jake tragically closes his eyes as ammo fire drowns out Beck's voice, and we go back to the Day of Nuts and "NOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW!"
Shooty-bang-bang. Hawkins, poised on his tank, sees the DUN! on the tailwind of the eight helicopters flying over him. Of course, not even the surprise arrival of CGI can distract Awesome Hawkins from the fact that his mission is puff-chugging around the bend.
Back to Richmond Farm. Screaming and shooting and Skeet and noise and dust.
Kansas Bluffs. Hawkins drives the tank. The train puff-chugs. Hawkins drives the tank. Train. Tank. Train! Tank! TRANK! Hawkins parks the tank on the tracks and scrambles out to watch from a safe distance. The train protests this maneuver by honking very loudly before slamming on spark-throwing brakes and smashing into the tank. Cars fly off the tank, spilling...coal?
Richmond Farm. Stanley's jaw drops as he catches sight of the DUN! flying over him. The DUN! gets even louder when a fighter jet of some sort carelessly drops a handful of bombs somewhere very close to the skirmish and blows up a big expanse of nothing. Was that their warning shot off the bow? Jake's eye bulge so hard that they're actually pushing through my screen. As the fire from the bombs rages -- soon to be an all-out wildfire, I imagine, given how dry the land looks -- we go back to present, where Jake's eyes aren't bulging as much as they are crying. Manfully, of course.
Beck slides his clipboard on the table and asks if there's anything Constantino wants to say. Constantino jumps right in with the finger-pointing: "We needed food, water, and supplies. Jericho had those things. We tried to trade peacefully, Jericho responded with hostility, ending with the cold-blooded murder of eight of my deputies. Starving and facing a hostile neighbor, we had to take action." Oh, Lassie, don't be afraid. There are no snow globes here. Beck turns to Jake for his story. Jake's voice and jaw tremble with some serious emotion. "My story?" he grits. "He held us hostage, tortured my brother, terrorized us with mortars. Peace! You didn't want peace, you wanted everything we had! THEY attacked us! They cost us I don't know how many men and women [Dude, weren't you listening? Beck just said!]. You cost me my father." Constantino has the grace to blink his eyes down in regret. Beck tells them, with quiet authority, that the dispute between the towns is officially over. "This isn't over," says Jake, staring at Constantino. "Oh, yes it is," Beck corrects him quickly. "In case you missed the message earlier today, I have the means to make this stick." Beck says that he'll be overseeing the area and conducting an investigation into the conflict. Jake bawls that it isn't good enough. Beck jerks his head, not unkindly, and orders Jake to walk with him. Still giving Constantino hard stares that Paddington would be proud of, Jake wrenches himself up and follows Beck. Of course, he has to pause and look back at Constantino where they exchange "This is SO not over!" looks before going out on the porch. Beck thrusts his clipboard at one of the guard soldiers. Ah, even in war, the paperwork finds you. Jake tells Beck that he has no idea what they've lost. "Not yet," Beck agrees calmly. "There's a reason why I was asked to administer this area. I'm good at what I do." Jake stands frozen, staring off at something. Beck tells Jake to go home, be with his family, treat his wounded, and mourn his dead: "Then, help us rebuild this place. Nightmare's over. Order will be restored." The camera pans around to show that the bombed-out area is now a bustling military camp. Jake looks like he's going to throw up.
Tonight's Morse code message is, "We finally ran out of candles."
After the nuclear blast clears the title card, we focus on a television report telling us that it's now six months after the blast -- or, as the reporter would have it: six months "since the day that changed the course of human history." Okay, they're getting a little ahead of themselves, even when considering how scary the new Prez is. Changing the course of human history? U.S. history, yes; humankind? Not so much. In the U.S., 15 million are dead or dying, and over 40 million are homeless. The report shows images of destruction, a cell-phone movie of a bomb going off in a city, and other skirmishes being broken up. The crawl at the bottom reads, "HHS confirms; Hudson River Virus still contained East of Mississippi...EU Chief Close to Pact With--" and then it disappears. They're tuned into the NTSN channel. Hm, the National Tomarchio Supreme Network? (I'll bet Oprah's behind it.)
Meanwhile, we're in Jericho's medical clinic, where Jimmy chills in a hospital bed, watching the report. Dumbo Bill is at Jimmy's side, because they will soon become the Heckle and Jeckle of this show. The report goes on to say that the "remaining elements of the federal government" are "scattered to the winds." We now learn that it's four weeks after the New Bern war. The television report goes on: "Soon, evidence began to mount that the financing and bombs used in the attacks had been supplied by elements within the Iranian and North Korean government." Dude! Lying liars who LIE! Hawkins told Jake that the bombs are Cold War Soviet-Era! This is getting creepy, fast. Bill reaches over to Jimmy's bedside table and grabs a handful of SHOUT-OUT peanuts. Hee. Very cute. Since, the report continues, the scattered federal government was "paralyzed by indecision," and since the international community wouldn't do anything either, "so began the rise of a national hero." George Newbern's face smarms across the screen on a backdrop of the new flag. "The junior senator from Wyoming, John Tomarchio, rallied the country..." Jake walks into Jimmy's room and blocks the TV. Jimmy protests, "Hey, what the hell man?!" Jake apologizes and sits to Bill, who babbles that he doesn't understand why Jimmy's been watching the same story for a week: "What is it you think you're going to miss?" Jimmy slowly says, "I'm waiting for them to explain what happened with the flag." Bill blusters that they have explained it about four hundred times, but here it is again for the viewers (and because Jimmy's still on pain meds from the butt stitches he got when he sat on the copier). "They're putting the country back together, but not everyone is on board yet -- just the states west of the Mississippi." So, uh, what does that mean for Minnesota, which is both east and north of the Mississippi as well as west? Moving on to more tragic matters, Jake tells Bill and Jimmy that they've lost another Jerichoian. This brings Jericho's death toll to sixty-five. Bill shakes his head and says he wants to be there when Beck's punishment for New Bern comes down.
In the town square, Old Glory is lowered, saluted, and discarded. Jake glares and walks over to Emily, who drapes herself across him and says, "Hey, babe." Ick, ick, and MORE ICK! Jake nods that she's doing business with Jennings & Rall, the outfit that has tents and tables set up -- possibly offering free stress tests --outside a brand-new tarp-draped building. Aw, the tarp reads, "Helping to rebuild America. Pardon our mess!" Evil is so polite. Emily explains that J&R is helping her to organize a community service program for the high school. Jake makes a face, saying it's strange having them in town. Emily explains, "Army can't do everything, J and R just does the day-to-day stuff -- help deliver supplies and getting people back to work." "I've seen what they do," says Jake ominously. *cough*Halliburton*cough* Jake watches a random guy off to the side. Emily, staring at Jake's face, nutshells their eminently healthy relationship: "You know how hot it gets me when you tune me out?" Clearly, Jake needs to tune Emily out more. Which he does by tackling the random guy off to the side, who has now pulled a gun on a Jerichoian. The gun goes off, and people scream and duck. Luckily, the army is on hand. While they didn't stop the gun from being pulled, they do get to run over and kick it out of the way once Jake has already incapacitated the scum. Helpful! A bit stunned, Jake remains on the ground while the soldiers wrestle the miscreant off him. Emily pulls Jake to his feet, and we get a shot of a van painted with Jennings & Rall's name. Ooh, evil always comes in a logo-painted van! Jake mutters that he thinks the miscreant is from New Bern, and we get a good view of the new flag now being raised over Jericho. Jake and Emily stop in their tracks; even Emily has the perspicacity to look alarmed.
I can't believe we lasted ten whole minutes without some more Awesome Hawkins. Hawkins has returned home to Darcy after being gone for four days. He took the satellite link-up on the road to see who was tracking him, but was delayed when there was heavy military activity in the area. A new base camp was also set up by the new government. Darcy asks whether they were the ones tracking him. Hawkins doesn't exactly answer that as he says, "I think Valente is working with them now." Darcy wonders if Jericho is safe for them. Hawkins reminds us and his wife that Valente is looking for Sarah, because he thinks the Hawkins family is dead. Darcy ventures that the commander has asked her to keep doing admin work in the office, so she could sniff around for him. Hawkins firmly thanks her and just as firmly turns her down.
In the police department, Beck strides over to where Jake is standing and glaring at the New Bern thug, and demands an explanation. Jake growls that New Bern scum are infiltrating their town with blood feuds. Beck brings Jake up short when he tells him that his men have stopped just as many Jerichoians going over to New Bern with the same intentions. Beck tells a soldier to process the New Bern thug, and walks off into his office, leaving Jake to heave sighs of frustration, which quickly turn to delight when he sees Heather walk through the door. He grabs her in a tight hug and gasps, "Oh, my god!" Beck watches them with detached interest. Jake pulls back to grab either side of Heather's face (oh, happy face!) in his hands and half-laughs, half-sobs, "'Don't worry Jake, I'll be back in a few days'?!" Heather laughs at him quoting her and assures him that she's okay: "Major Beck was nice enough to let me grab a ride back here on his convoy so I'm--" Heather breaks off as she catches sight of the New Bern scum in the office. He glares at her. Beck looks from the scum to Heather, the wheels turning.
Richmond Farm. A J&R rep tells Stanley that he'll be planting his spring crop in no time. "And my tax debt, that's in there, too?" Stanley asks, waving a folder around. "Yep -- good as gone," the J&R rep confirms. He looks over at Mimi jogging toward them. "Your wife?" the rep asks. Not yet, Stanley tells her; he wanted to make sure that his debts were settled first. "These are the days I love my job," smiles the rep. Mimi runs up, and Stanley makes with the intros. The rep leaves. "Did you see that skin? It's like porcelain; girl's never had a restless night sleep in her life!" Mimi pants. "Mimi--" Stanley starts. "And here I am running five miles a day, so my butt dudn't hit my ankles," Mimi goes on. "MIMI!" Stanley yells. "Yes," says Mimi, finally getting it. Stanley tells her that he owns his farm again. "Jennings and Rall helped me set up a deal with the new government to wipe out my IRS debt. I give them a portion of my crop for three years, and as of now, I own my farm free and clear -- can you believe it?!" Stanley announces. Mimi throws herself at Stanley, squealing her delight. She pulls back and says, "Marry me." Stanley gives a scared half-laugh and blusters, "Wait, what?" "Marry me," Mimi repeats. "I love you, and the war's over. The lights are on, and life's good. Let's get married." Oh, Mimi. You can't propose to a cornfed farm boy! Stanley stutters and stumbles, and finally Mimi gets a scared look on her face. "Oh. Oh. Oh, wow," she steps away from him. "This is like my worst nightmare." Stanley clears his throat and tries to interrupt. Mimi starts walking away and flapping her hands, telling Stanley to forget she said anything. Stanley finally gets a word in and tells her of course he'll marry her. "I love you," he says. "I just wanted it--" He stutters some more and finally says, "You know what, forget it. Never mind. Yes, yes, I'll marry you." Mimi gives him a scathing look: "I don't want your pity!" Stanley grabs her and says, "Let's get married, okay? Let's get married. Okay?" Mimi smiles tremulously. Of course, Stanley just stands there like an idiot, so he deserves what he gets . "Maybe you should kiss me," Mimi suggests. "Jeez!" Stanley blurts out before finally kissing her. A lot.
Police Department. Beck tells Gray, Jake, and Eric that they've restored power to 70% of town, and he anticipates full capacity by the end of the month: "Jericho's on the fast-track to recovery." Gray's happy because it doesn't take much to please him, especially when he doesn't have to exert himself in any way. "He hasn't given us the bad news yet," Jake snaps, staring down Beck. Beck smiles tightly at Jake and agrees. The bad news is that Beck has determined that New Bern is likely at fault for all the hostilities between the towns. "But?" Jake prompts. Beck starts to say, "In the spirit of reconciliation--" "You gotta be kidding me -- reconciliation?" Jake interrupts loudly. Beck talks over him to say that it's in everyone's best interest to extend a blanket of amnesty over a wide range of actions committed during the "lawless period" after the attacks. Eric shouts that Constantino can't just walk away from this. Seriously -- I want more Lassie! "To be fair, he's been removed from office," says Beck. SNORT! Yes, give him a time-out; that'll work as well as it did in fourth grade. Jake keeps yelling, but Gray yells louder that he wants to hear Beck's explanation. "This guy has been helping to protect us from a world that, frankly, has been kicking our ass for the last six months!" Gray reminds him. Jake ignores the wussy mayor and directs his grievances at Beck: "Constantino is responsible for the deaths of over sixty men and women in this town, including MY FATHER!" Gray shuts up. Jake announces, "There isn't going to be any reconciliation until he's dead!" Beck gazes at Jake briefly before telling them all to pay close attention to what he's about to say. In the background, Eric impotently makes angry faces and shifts his weight from side to side. You tell 'em, Eric -- twitch that nose! Beck says that there will be no vigilantism in his jurisdiction. There will be no revenge killings. Period. Jake just smiles meanly at him.
Beck pulls Jake into his office -- the sheriff's office, it should be noted -- and with the door closed, he tells Jake that he was tasked with pacifying a hotspot near Kandahar four years ago. "I walk into this powder keg, and I do what I always do. Try to figure out who The Guy is," Beck adds. Jake doesn't know what he's talking about: "What guy?" "The Guy!" Beck italicizes. Yeah, Jake, sort of like The Woman to Sherlock Holmes. Beck says that there's always a The Guy in these situations. Anyway, Beck arranges a meeting in a very public place in the village. "His men are armed to the teeth, just waiting for an excuse," says Beck. "So I walk up to him--" Beck walks up to Jake. "I lay my weapon down. I show him I understood his place in the order of things." Jake finally gets it: "You think I'm your guy?" Beck tells him he wants Jake to be Jericho's sheriff: "Those people followed you on the battlefield. They respect you. Help me do my job. Help these people move on. Think about it." Jake starts to leave, but turns back to ask, "What would you have done if the guy-- if he took a shot at you?" Beck looks down briefly and decides not to answer that question. Instead, he tells Jake just to think about the offer.
Outside City Hall, Jake rejoins Eric, who asks what Beck wanted. "Doesn't matter," states Jake. "Gather the Rangers. We meet tonight. Tomorrow, we're going to New Bern. We're going to kill Constantino." Dude, Jake's going to the dark side! Awesome.
Inside his office, Beck hands out flyers and says that they have new orders from HQ. They're on a manhunt. "The suspect is in possession of a high-yield nuclear device," Beck recounts, "the same sort that carried out the September attacks. Your orders are to shoot on sight." Darcy briefly knocks on Beck's door before coming in with some papers for him. "We're going to find this terrorist no matter what it takes," Beck concludes. He thanks Darcy and hands her a sheaf of flyers, asking, "Could you copy these and distribute them as well?" Darcy looks down and sees Sarah Mason's face staring back at her with "WANTED Terror Suspect" above her name and aliases. One of the soldiers notes Darcy's prolonged look at the flyer.
Green House. Hawkins pays Jake a visit because he's got "a little bit of a situation," and needs a safe house. Jake sits down at the dining-room table and ostentatiously places his gun to some open maps. Jake considers Hawkins's request before offering up his grandfather's hunting cabin and then asking, "Why? What's going on?" Hawkins just presses his lips together and shakes his head briefly. Jake gives up and (sort of) changes the subject, telling Hawkins that the news is reporting that the September attacks were backed by North Korea and Iran. Hawkins already knows this. "You said it was domestic terrorism," Jake accuses. "Which is what it was," Hawkins says calmly. "Why would the government lie about that?" Jake demands. "Gee, I don't know, Jake," says Hawkins, almost sarcastically. "You don't know?" Jake interrupts. "No. I really don't know," Hawkins says carefully and end-of-story-ily. They stare at each other. Jake hands over the keys to the hunting cabin and then looks back down at his maps. "We're meeting at Bailey's after closing," Jake starts. Hawkins glances at the maps, and his eyes rest on New Bern. "If you're still around, I need you there," says Jake, sitting down heavily. "Then, I'll be there," Hawkins promises simply. God, I love Hawkins.
At the aforementioned Bailey's, Heather shreds a juicy burger while Mary watches and laughs. Beck walks in, and Heather's face gets still and hard. Beck approaches them and asks, "May we have a word, ma'am?" Mary looks at Heather, and Heather shrugs. Mary leaves. Beck sits down and gets right to the point: he wants to know what Heather knows about the New Bern man she saw in the police station. Heather slowly explains that he was one of Constantino's deputies. Beck is silent, waiting for more intel. Unwillingly, Heather goes on: when she found out what New Bern was planning to do to Jericho, Constantino had one of his deputies take Heather to the outskirts of town to execute her. "But he let you go," Beck prompts. Heather explains that she got lucky because her escort wasn't keen on following those kinds of orders. However, not all deputies were so squeamish, and the guy Jake tackled in Jericho was one of the worst. Beck digests this briefly and asks whether Heather thinks the New Bern scum should die for what he did. "Well, I think there's been enough dying around here lately," Heather says angelically. "Don't you?" Instead of answering, Beck says that because Heather has ties to both towns, and because Col. Hoffman said she showed a lot of guts with him, he wants her to his liaison with New Bern. In fact, Hoffman recommended Heather specifically. I was really hoping we'd be seeing more of Hoffman. He seemed sort of cool, almost in a war-weary way that might develop into him bucking military authority if he had to. Yes, I clearly read a lot into those few scenes. "I assumed you'd want to help," Beck says to Heather's stunned and silent response to his offer. "I just came from a town where guys with guns and uniforms made life very unpleasant," Heather starts. "And you can't tell the difference between me and Phil Constantino?" asks Beck. Heather thinks hard on that one. Weird line, because Heather "just came" from Cheyenne, not New Bern. Also, if they really are talking about New Bern, the uniforms there were Ravenswood, not Constantino. As far as we saw, Constantino didn't wear any sort of uniform. Aside from his Spock Beard of Evil, of course.
Richmond Farm. Mimi -- ever-thorough, ever-anal Mimi -- pores over Stanley's contract with J&R. She grabs Stanley as he passes through to take a shower and says, "Tell me you didn't sign this contract." Stanley squints down and dumbs, "I didn't sign that contract." Mimi sighs, relieved. "Yeah, I signed the other one -- that's a copy," Stanley finishes. Not good. Mimi asks whether Stanley even read the contract. Yes, he did. It says he gets his farm back. That's not all it says, Mimi explains: "First of all, you owe them a share of your crop, starting immediately, but you won't be credited for three years until -- you see? -- 'a national monetary system is reinstated by the federal government, and an exchange rate can be established.'" Stanley still doesn't get it. Mimi explains that it could take ages before the economy rights itself, and all that time, Stanley is handing over his crop. "No, I give them my crop for a while and them I'm out of debt, right?" Stanley says. Why are Stanley's lips so freakishly purple? Does he still have frostbite? "That's how you got into debt in the first place," Mimi explains, laughing in frustration. Stanley gets annoyed: "I'm not stupid." He walks off. I love how he worked off that line in a Nixonian "I am not a crook" delivery.
Bailey's. Jake outlines the plan for murdering Constantino, which basically amounts to waiting until he leaves the factory before making their move. Hawkins acts very impatient with this whole thing, and finally just leaves the bar. Is Hawkins going to pull Jake back from the dark side? Is he gently going to explain to wounded, fatherless Jake that revenge is a bad, bloody, business? Not bloody likely! As Lennie James himself told me, he's not going to be Jake's Yoda. Jake follows Hawkins out to ask: what the hell, dude? Hawkins irritably explains that Jake and the Rangers are being incredibly stupid with their plans: "You know? If you were smart? You'd let three months go by, wait until everything calms down, and then you would go in there quietly in the middle of the night and you would kill Constantino in his sleep, because THAT I would understand. But this? This is you just making a big show out of it, Jake, and it is both dangerous and stupid." "Really," Jake states, with weak bravado, still sort of confused that he doesn't have Hawkins's support. "Yes, really," Hawkins snaps back, turning away. "I can't be a part of this." Eric comes out of Bailey's and, seeing Hawkins's retreating back, asks, "He's out?" Jake confirms that Black Ops Hawkins -- the Awesome Hawkins with the guns and the tank driving and the plans and the sniper skills -- is indeed out of their dumb-ass little mission. Eric tells Jake that after what went down today with Beck, he would understand if Jake opted out of their assassination. Jake is all, "Pshaw! My daddy died!" "That's what I figured," says Eric, clapping Jake on the chest. "Sleep well," Jake tells him. For tomorrow you die, dumb-ass. Jake paces in front of Bailey's a bit more when suddenly! A Hummer pulls up! It's Beck! "Get in," Beck orders Jake from the shotgun. All things considered, Jake decides to get in. Beck stares straight ahead and practices his Clenched Jaw of Angry Disappointment.
Somewhere in that bombed-out area that became a military camp, Beck leads Jake into a tent. A tent full of DEAD BODIES! Jake is confused. "I want you to see something," Beck tells him calmly, and excuses the guard on duty. Beck unzips a black body bag and shows Jake the dead face of the New Bern scum that Heather identified and Jake tackled. Jake is having a hard time catching his breath as he pants out, "You executed him?" No, Beck explains. Not by a long shot. He sent these guys back to New Bern, but early this morning, the scum and three other armed men were found heading toward Jericho. "When we tried to apprehend them? They made the mistake of opening fire," Beck concludes. But more to the point for Beck is that the New Bern scum couldn't put his vendetta to rest, so guess what? Now he's the one put to rest. Jake tries to talk around the rising vomit in his throat, and finally leans on a folding table for support. "You asked me what I would have done if those insurgents had taken a shot at me?" Beck reminds him. "This is what I would've done. Sometimes the only way to end these things is to start removing elements from the equation." Beck puts a hand on Jake's shoulder and says, "I think you need to ask yourself--" If he feels lucky, huh? Well, does he, punk? Well, sort of. "--If your father would have wanted your story to end in one of these bags," Beck concludes. At the mention of Mayor Dad, Jake gets up to leave, but Beck grabs his arm. Jake angrily reminds Beck, "My father's dead." Yes. Yes, he is. Everyone? Just in case you missed the memo: JAKE'S FATHER IS DEAD!
A far -- but adorable -- cry from a tailored suit and heels, Mimi nevertheless has her accountant's hat on as she strides across the town center in a red floral sundress and cowboy boots. Fairly warm in Kansas for March, isn't it? Mimi also hasn't forgotten that she's from the East Coast as she walks right in front of a car and holds up her arms, asking, "Hey!" when it honks at her. Seriously, she's walking there! Mimi marches up to J&R's revival tent and tells the blonde rep who worked out Stanley's deal that they need to tear up the paperwork on the Richmond Farm. Blondie doesn't think she can do that, thus unleashing The Screaming Mimi all over her porcelain ass. "Stanley tends to sign things without paying much attention," Mimi explains. "Among the things he has signed are four years of misdated income tax returns, which make him guilty of a number of federal crimes, but it is my understanding that Cheyenne has extended an amnesty for non-violent federal crimes committed prior to the attacks, so technically? I suppose you have exposed Jennings & Rall to a nasty civil suit for coercing him into this deal on the basis of a tax debt he no longer owed." Damn -- you go, farm girl! "Yeah, that sounds like something I'm gonna need to raise with my boss," simpers Blondie. "It does, doesn't it?" Mimi simpers back, just as fakely.
Across the square, Darcy leaves work and doesn't realize that she's being followed by the same soldier who noticed her noticing the notice.
Green house. Emily puts something in the oven and babbles "cutely" at Jake not to stomp or breathe near the stove. They have completely annoying flirtations about how Emily only ever baked once in her life before, which actually resulted in a fire. However, I don't have time to vomit, so MOVING ON! Emily finally says that she's making a cake for Ma Green, who has been out at the ranch since Mayor Dad died. Wait, the Greens have a Craftsman house, a hunting cabin, AND a ranch? Man, no wonder Emily wants Jake more than she wants the guy she was actually engaged to but easily forgot about when he was run out of town after rescuing a whole bunch of people from a semi-crashed plane. Speaking of -- what ever happened to all those Branch Rogerian refugees? Did they just get absorbed into the town after Roger left? Maybe they're sweatshopping more candles for five cents a wick. Jake brings in the depression by explaining that the recipe Emily is following is not, in fact, Ma Green's favorite. It's Mayor Dad's favorite. Ma Green would allow herself to be begged into making it for Mayor Dad, after which he'd sit in the kitchen and correct every move she made. Man, if I did that to Mathra when he makes Christmas Day French Toast, he'd throw lots of hot, sharp, sticky things at me. And vice versa. Jake remembers mournfully that Ma Green would pretend to be annoyed, but she secretly loved it. "God, he loved her," Jake whispers, biting back the tears. Do we already have a drinking rule for every time Jake cries? I mean, I love the Crying Jake, but I was just wondering if I could start slamming the high-octane stuff now. Emily reminds Jake that Mayor Dad loved him, too. "Yeah, most days," Jake scoffs, and then asks how Emily thinks Mayor Dad would have felt about Constantino getting off scot-free. Emily thinks Mayor Dad would have been madder than hell, but he wouldn't have liked what Jake is planning. "Wait, you know?" Jake boggles. Dude, Mary Bailey knows -- how can Emily not know? Small town, Jake, remember? Emily gets as deep as her cake pans when she says of Mayor Dad, "I think he would have preferred his death to end one war, not start a new one." Jake agrees, just as Mary Bailey storms into the house to hand-wring that Eric and the others left for New Bern already. Eric's such a dumb-ass.
The Rangers ride. And not even under cover of darkness. Because they're the Dumb-Ass Rangers. You know what? Let them. Jake, just let Eric get killed, okay?
At Grandpappy's hunting lodge, Hawkins does things to his laptop. I don't actually know what these things are, but I'm assuming they are Awesome Things. Hearing a knock at the door, Hawkins jumps up with his gun, aims it, and opens the door to Darcy. Nice way to greet your wife; bet she never gets tired of that. The way they're filming April Parker-Jones in these eps, and the clothes they have her wearing, you know, I'm starting to think she's pregnant. Darcy tells Hawkins that Allison and Sam are at the Taylors'. She told Jimmy's wife that they're having problems at home. Hawkins snorts. Darcy hands over a file with one of the Sarah Mason flyers tucked inside. Hawkins protests that he didn't want her involved, but Darcy interrupts, saying that she wants to help. They're in this together. She's also gotten copies of everything that has come through Beck's fax in the last few days. There's a bang at the door, and Darcy freaks. Hawkins, gun up, asks whether she was followed. She doesn't think so. "No, D, that is not a 'yes,'" says Hawkins, shaking his head and adding, "You know what to do." Hawkins goes outside and finds a smoke bomb. He looks around, but sees no one.
Okay, now there's a cover of darkness for the Rangers. Lucky for Eric. Jake gallops up to them, cutting them off. The Brothers Green slide off their horses and get into it with each other. "The hell you doing?" Jake demands. "I'm taking care of this for both of us," Eric explains. He's trying to protect Jake, and tells him to go home. "We're all going home," Jake announces. Not Eric. "This isn't what Dad would've wanted, Eric," Jake insists. "Maybe not from you," Eric snaps. Jake grabs Eric by his dumb-ass collar and shakes him, demanding, "What the hell's that supposed to mean, huh? YOU THINK YOU LOST MORE THAN ME? HUH? IS THAT IT?" YOU THINK YOU LOST MORE THAN ME?" Man, do you think Skeet's costars are just emotionally exhausted by him at the end of the day? Because I am. "I think you had a few good months," Eric hisses. "HE WAS MY FATHER!" Jake yells. "WELL HE WAS EVERYTHING TO ME!" Eric yells back, upping the Dead Daddy ante. "You have no idea what I've lost," Eric whisper-shouts. Yeah, um, I really don't...want to know what you've lost, Eric. Jake and Eric sort of slap at each other some more before a helicopter and a few Humvees pull up angrily. Lots of soldiers get out with lots of very big guns cocked and aimed at the dumb-ass Rangers.
Hawkins skulks around the hunting lodge some more. He checks everything out, his gun raised, but finds nothing. As soon as he lowers his gun, another rises to the back of his neck and clicks. Hawkins drops his shoulders, all, "DAMMIT!" Not scared, mind you -- just really annoyed.
Beck yells at Jake that this better not be what he thinks it is. "It's fine," Jake tells him. "We've got it under control." "Let me stop you there," Beck suggests. "Because if it is what I think it is, there's a certain way I need to respond." I think I sort of love Beck. Jake blinks back his honest response and counters, "I heard a rumor there was an armed party on its way to New Bern, so I gathered border patrol to head them off." Beck barks back that protecting the borders is his job. "It's been our job for a while now," Jake replies. "Old habits die hard." Beck eyes Eric, who nods pathetically. Beck shouts that they'll follow the Greens back to town to make sure they get back safely. Then he pulls Jake aside -- he's really fond of doing that, isn't he? This is like the fourth time in this episode alone! -- and says, "Just so we're clear, you just saved your brother's life tonight. And he's not the last one around here who's going to need that kind of help." Beck leaves. Jake looks a bit faint.
Hunting lodge. The soldier who followed Darcy now has a gun at Hawkins's back, and orders Hawkins to drop his gun. Hawkins complies. The solider shoves Hawkins square in his back and instructs, "Now, turn around slowly and give us a hug." "Chavez," Hawkins whispers, before turning around to confirm it. "Hawkins," Chavez greets. Hawkins asks him what the hell he's doing. "Well, this is the rally point, isn't it? Better late than never," Chavez supplies. Hawkins chuckles dryly and tells Chavez to put his gun down. "You're getting lazy, old man. Ten years ago there's no way I'd get this close," Chavez replies, not putting his gun down. "Maybe," Hawkins muses calmly. "That doesn't bother you?" Chavez wonders. Another gun clicks, but this one is held up to Chavez. By Darcy. Hawkins: "Not really." Ha! "So you gonna put that down?" Hawkins asks. Chavez hands over his gun to Hawkins. "Chavez, that's my wife, Darcy. Darcy, this is Chavez," Hawkins introduces, using Chavez's gun to point at each of them, before ordering, "Let's go."
Inside the lodge, Hawkins tells Chavez that Victor was the first of their group to make it back, but then he died. , was Sarah, and that didn't end too well, either. "I told you to be careful about her, didn't I?" says Chavez. "And you were right," says Hawkins, interrupting him. "Thank you," Chavez nods, calculating that there's only three of them left: the two of them, and Cheung. Cheung, Chavez reports, is embedded in Cheyenne, and the two of them lost contact when Chavez infiltrated Beck's division and ended up in Nebraska a month ago. Chavez didn't count on being taken directly to Hawkins, and spitballs, "It's almost like you stuck your head out long enough for them to track your location." Hawkins says that he did, and adds, with extreme politeness, "These people needed my help, and I couldn't turn my back on them, and if you're here against me or them, well, I may have to kill you." Chavez snorts. Hawkins chuckles. Both know that he's completely, deadly, awesomely serious. "Man, you are a mess," Chavez drawls. "Well, that's as may be, but I did manage to put a few pieces together," says Hawkins, handing Chavez his gun back. Chavez seems rather surprised as he accepts it. Hawkins tells Chavez that Valente was the one controlling Sarah. Chavez didn't know that. Hawkins goes on to say that Valente is in the Cheyenne government now, but Hawkins doesn't know in what capacity. Vice Prez? Dude can't look like Dick Cheney for nothing. And where are the Cheneys from? CHEYENNE! His intel dispensed, Hawkins now wants to know what Chavez knows. "You got a minute?" Chavez asks facetiously.
Richmond Farm. Mimi walks in to find poor, lunkheaded Stanley looking over his contract with J&R. Stanley looks beaten. Mimi sits down and says, "You know I've got the original right here." She tears the contract up and hands the pieces to Stanley, who takes them and says, "I'm not a lawyer, but I don't think this changes anything." Mimi shrugs and says that she got J&R to rescind it. Stanley boggles. Not only that, Mimi got back Stanley's tractor and seed at a fair price. She also got J&R to help Stanley file a petition so that he can officially wipe out his tax debt with Cheyenne. Mimi adds, "Now, that part is free of charge as an apology to us. And they also offered me a job, which I think was part self-defense." Stanley laughs that Mimi is terrifying. Mimi takes that as a compliment and says, "I don't like people messin' with my family." Stanley ponders this. Mimi quietly says, "I'm sorry I asked you to marry me." Stanley protests that he was going to ask her, and had it all planned out -- he wanted to propose the way that his Dad proposed to his Mom. "How did he do it?" Mimi asks, cocking her head. "He asked her," explains poor, emasculated Stanley. Mimi shakes her head and apologizes again: "I'm just a very goal-oriented person, you know? I see that something needs to be done and I do it. It's just that sometimes I think that if I don't make things happen, they won't because no one will want them as much as I do--" Mimi interrupts herself in describing my personality to a "T," and gasps, "What's that?" she whispers. Stanley is holding a diamond ring in his fingers. "It's my mother's wedding ring," he tells her. "Now, please, be quiet!" Of course, he still takes some time to get his sluggish thoughts in order. Mimi, to her credit, waits patiently this time. Finally, Stanley tells Mimi that he's never loved anyone the way he loves her, and that he can't remember his life before her. Stanley gets down on one knee. Mimi gasps. "Now, I really don't think I could live without you," Stanley says, and adds that he'll do everything he can to make her happy. "So, will you marry me?" Stanley asks. Mimi holds a shaking hand up to her runny nose and sobs out, "Yeah!" "See, now? You can talk," Stanley laughs. "Yes! Yeah!" Mimi says in a very high voice. Stanley slides the ring onto her finger: "Yeah?" "Yes, I'll marry you," Mimi sobs some more, and hugs him tightly. Aw, there's going to be a wedding! Wait, no, it's Jericho, so it's a "weddin'"!
Hunting lodge. Chavez says that Cheyenne's story about the attacks being perpetrated by North Korea and Iran is, as they already know, a lie. Hawkins agrees but says that they have to find out what exactly Cheyenne is hiding. "Whatever it is, they wiped two countries off the map to cover it up," says Chavez. Dude, they nuked North Korea and Iran?! That's frickin' huge! Chavez points out the obvious: there's something rotten in the state of Wyoming, and they don't even know if it stops with Valente. All the western states have aligned with Cheyenne, and everything west of the Mississippi is getting stronger. However, the east is aligned under Columbus, Ohio -- that's where Hawkins's bomb was supposed to go, right? -- where remnants of the old administration sit. However, they're very weak and are losing support. Hawkins asks how far off Cheyenne is from winning the control of the country. "That's where the wild card comes in. An independent territory with a significant military presence and a mass of stockpiled oil reserves. They haven't chosen a side yet," Chavez says. Delaware? No, wait, it's the U.P. of Michigan, isn't it? Those wily, weird-accented Yoopers! Chavez points at Texas on the map. The Texans, he explains, are close to siding with Cheyenne; if that happens, all is lost. Chavez says that their new mission is to expose Cheyenne's secret before Cheyenne can take over the entire country. "I guess this is where the good news comes in," says Hawkins. "Oh yeah?" says Chavez, not really believing him, "What's that?" "I have evidence that could expose the whole cover-up," Hawkins teases out. Chavez transfers his gaze between Hawkins and Darcy. Hawkins takes a deep breath: "I have one of the bombs. Maybe the only one." Chavez lets out a breath, "Well, that's certainly a good start." You think?
City Hall. Beck is on the phone to a superior and tells him he doesn't think they're ready for something. However, the superior obviously pulls rank as evidenced by Beck's defeated responses of "No, sir. No, sir. Yes, sir, I appreciate that. Thank you, sir." Jake arrives as Beck hangs up. "Jake," Beck greets him warmly, pulling something out of his desk drawer. "I just came by to, uh--" Jake starts. Beck tosses the sheriff's badge on his desk. "-- To take you up on your offer," Jake finishes. "How did you know?" Beck says that he tried telling Jake before: Beck's good at what he does. Jake picks up the badge. Beck says that he'd like to tell Jake not to worry, but that his trial by fire as sheriff is coming sooner rather than later. "How's that?" Jake asks, totally afraid of the answer. Beck asks whether he heard about the president's whistle-stop tour. Jake has: it was on the news that Jimmy won't shut off. "Jericho's been added to the route," says Beck. "The president's on his way." The sentiment of the closing music is about as far away from "Hail To The Chief" as you can get. Be afraid, Jericho, be very afraid.
week: Still not canceled!