Previously: The men won a lot. Torrie wanted to cry because she kept being the most awesome on her team, but still losing. John was a tough leader. Sanjaya is a non-gay gay. Lou won immunity, guaranteeing himself a place in the final week. John gets to give someone immunity, and he gives it to himself without hesitation. Oh, and they made a slasher film, and you can watch the full version online. It's ten minutes long, but actually quite delightful. At least compared to this show. Tonight: More stuff happens. Opening credits.
Damien and Myleene greet us "live" from the "muggy and buggy Costa Rican rain forest." We can still vote for the celebrities we want to stay. Lou and John are immune. They send us back to John's live decision last night to save himself. Sanjaya says John had a hard decision, because you wouldn't want to choose someone and hurt other people's feelings. Janice says that if she were in his position, she wouldn't have chosen herself. But it's a game! You play for yourself, right? Everyone thought he'd choose Patti, including Patti. He says he would have chosen her out of everyone else, but he had to choose himself because he wants to win, and this is an individual sport. He calls it a "chess move." [ A chess move would require sacrifice or manipulation of others; this is just a Parcheesi move. - Zach] Damien and Myleene again, telling us again to vote. Numbers.
Back in the jungle, John's meditating on the camp leader's bed. He says sitting in the bed is wonderful. He's in charge, so he cooks, cleans up, washes the dishes. I'm not sure he's doing what he should do as a leader, because he should ask other people to do stuff for him. John and Patti get up first, and everyone else sleeps in. Sanjaya says it's hard to get up because there's nothing to do here. John wakes Janice up very quietly, saying, "Get your sexy ass up." She freaks out, saying he woke her up really roughly. Stephen melodramatically explains that Janice processes things differently than the rest of us. To say the least. Janice tells Stephen that she had a dream that a blonde who could have been Torrie wanted to do her hair, and then shaved up the back of her hair, so she ran and jumped into the river to be saved. She told Stephen that dream was all about going to the river to get saved. Uh-oh. I think I see where this is going. Stephen thinks going to the river to get saved is good.
He explains to her that sometimes in dreams, losing teeth or hair means dying, and that's why she wanted to go to the river to be saved. Stephen thinks it would be something if Janice were operating in the world for Jesus. He keeps pushing that maybe she needs to make a change. Janice cries and says "It's deep." He says it was deep for him. She continues sobbing, and it's very weird and disturbing. He tells her he's not the guy he used to be. She says she doesn't want to be who she is. Janice, none of us want you to be who you are. Stephen tells her, "God can change all that, dude." Then he tells her to have a blessed day. He walks off and tells John, "Somehow that woman's growing on me." John: "Like a fungus." John totally does my job for me. I love him. As much as it's possible to love anyone on this show, anyway. Commercials.
Back with Damien and Myleene, who remind us that it's week three, and that two campmates will leave forever tomorrow, and it's up to us. We might want to vote. Or not. It really doesn't matter. They will tell the campers later how the voting is going, and it might surprise us. Or not. We might not really care. Back in the jungle, Torrie's mopey. She slept in and everyone else was already awake, so it made her feel lonely. She says she's a mess emotionally and also because she's filthy. Sanjaya says there are eight more days, which she thinks sounds like a really long time. She misses her family. Sanjaya asks if she wants to leave. She doesn't, but she's really homesick. She's never gone even a couple days without calling her family and friends. It's wearing on her, and she wishes there were something else to do. Sanjaya asks her to play volleyball. She says no. Marco polo? She says no. So, she wishes there were more things to do, but she wouldn't do them anyway. Patti asks Torrie about being homesick. She misses being able to wake up and just be naked and stand there without being around people in the jungle. She misses the comfortableness of being around people who really know you. Sanjaya and Patti hug her and make her feel better.
Scroll-reading time. John welcomes the celebrities to jungle art class. They've been provided paper to sketch their jungle self-portrait, which should reflect them in their favorite situation since they've been in the jungle. They are given charcoal to write with. Janice says it was so peaceful to sit there "Etch-A-Sketching." I don't think that's what she's doing. Patti doubts herself as an artist. Janice does, too, but then realizes everyone is a born artist. Holly draws her and Sanjaya, which Janice says is perfect for their wedding invitation. Sanjaya looks up, dumbfounded. Janice drew the jungle and a camera. John says the pictures are very telling about everyone, and Janice loves the camera, so she drew one. John drew the river, where he washes up and meditates every morning. And he drew beams of energy coming out of his head.
Stephen drew himself holding his Bible, because God's words and prayer are the only things that bring him peace here. Sanjaya's was him in the river, which he called "Serenity in a peaceful place." Holly drew herself and Sanjaya in the river when it started raining and they were so happy that they threw their arms in the air. Patti drew the moment she and John had on the log when he told her about the candle in the darkness -- how once you have the light, no one can put it out. Apparently it meant a lot to her. Patti says that's something she'll always take with her. Commercials.
Myleene and Damien welcome us back. Close-ups of ants working. Torrie calls Holly her "baby sissy" and then Holly confessionals that everyone feels like a family, but it's a very dysfunctional one. Sanjaya tells Stephen he looks exactly like his uncle when he smiles. It kind of creeps Sanjaya out. Stephen says they're not a family by human terms, but possibly by ape terms. Sanjaya making ape sounds. Torrie explains Lou's the dad and we get to see him saying platitudes. ("I was just giving him some advice about the rest of his life," "Everybody's responsible for their own actions," and "Don't let them put you in a box") He's very Jonathan Kent.
Torrie continues that John's the hipper stepdad. He's all, "I was like, 'Brush your teeth, dude.'" Stephen's the bratty little brother. We see him say, "Frickin' gnarly, dude!" Sanjaya's the crazy one, Holly's the sweet sister, and Torrie's the sister who has to beat up Holly's boyfriends (shot of Torrie and Sanjaya wrestling). Patti's the mom, so we get to see her telling someone to pick up their toys when they're done with them. Sanjaya says Janice is the grandma, but Torrie thinks she's the crazy aunt (which is what John said the last time we played this game, for those who don't remember). Shots of Janice stumbling around, being a contortionist (really), screaming. Patti says just like a real family, they all care about each other but have their ups and downs. Shots of arguments, and of them all dancing together. Patti says the squabbles don't mean much because they love each other so much. Damien and Myleene make fun of the "family" and then tell us it's trial time.
Back in the jungle, John has a scroll telling him to pick two celebrities from each team to compete in the food trial. They don't get any instructions about what it will be. The guys choose Stephen and John, because Lou and Sanjaya did the two. Janice wants to do it. The women don't listen, so she keeps saying, "Me. Didn't I just say me?" They ask her if she feels strong, and she just says, "Me. I said me." She's insane. All of the other women are annoyed that she won't discuss it, but just said she's going. Janice is tired of everyone seeing her as the crazy old aunt. She says she was sick before, but now she's ready to play. Torrie steps away because she can't listen to it. She says some days she loves Janice, but other times she gets such a negative vibe, she can't take it. The players leave and Torrie's so glad to be rid of Janice because of her "negativity." Or, you know, so she could gossip about her. Whatever.
Damien and Myleene welcome the four to the food trial, which is the same as always: winner-takes-all. The winner gets Chinese takeout. The men are so excited that Stephen goes into heavy-duty prayer mode because he's "flippin' out." The game is called "Spider's Web." Each team will be harnessed together to create an eight-legged spider. They have to race around a rope web to collect all of their star flags. The team to collect them all first wins, but any that are dropped will result in a ten-second penalty. They can forfeit in the usual way: by calling out the show's name. Patti and Janice go first. Patti's in front and Janice is behind her. They are sort of pushed up against each other as if they're in a tandem sky dive. And, because the suspense is palpable, we go to commercial.
Myleene and Damien welcome us back, remind us what's happening tomorrow, and what happened before the break. They send us back to the trial, repeat what just happened, and then finally star the stupid game. Janice and Patti start racing around the web. They get one flag, and someone says something about "moving," so Janice says, "I wish my bowels would move." I guess she's still clogged up, then. Patti says she and Janice were working well together. Janice burps and says there goes her breakfast. Patti talks about how they worked together. Janice would stretch, because she's tall, and Patti would have to keep them from flying out. They were both grabbing flags. Patti was stuffing them in her shirt and Janice shoved them in her mouth. They got all ten flags. Damien asks what their strategy was, and Janice snottily says they didn't have one. Damien noticed she was stuffing flags in her mouth, so she says, "That's how I roll." They're confident they'll win. But they might not be considering that John Salley is as tall as both of them put together. He was the perfect person to choose for this one. The only thing that could have made it better is if Sanjaya were his partner. I guess we'll see, though.
John and Stephen start collecting flags. Stephen and John have a strategy. Stephen tells John when and how to step, and John listens. It's like the weirdest and ugliest ballet dance I've ever seen in my life. Stephen says it was perfect teamwork. They get their last flag with John in a standing, outstretched position and Stephen sort of in the fetal position near his crotch. Damien tells John it looks like he's giving birth to Stephen right now, which is actually pretty funny. If Damien wants us to stop hating him, being funny might help. If this is any indication, my advice to him would be to go off-script more. John had all flags stuffed inside his top. Myleene says one team finished in 4 minutes, 11 seconds, and the other team finished in 2 minutes, 42 seconds. The men are the obvious winners. Janice is disappointed. She feels it was unfair and unmatched, and she won't shake John's hand. Stephen and John sort of make fun back in the confessional about Janice not shaking his hand. Stephen's so excited for egg rolls.
Back at camp, John announces they'll be eating Chinese. Torrie looks mad. Then Stephen says it's Chinese TAKEOUT, and Sanjaya basically freaks out, because... no cooking. For the first time in the jungle. Patti and Janice make their way back to camp slowly. Holly and Torrie are super-nice. Stephen is like a little kid about Chinese food. He keeps doing kung-fu moves and even taunts the women about the food. Janice complains to Holly about how unmatched it was, because the men are stronger. She's trying not to let the guys get to her with their gloating. Holly's annoyed that Janice is blaming her sickness, when they asked her if she felt up to it. Before we head to commercial, we get our third promo for what's coming up later: John and Patti being CLOSER THAN EVER. The show is making a huge deal about it, and then showing clips of them talking. Because they are friends. Why are they trying to make something out of nothing? It's annoying me. I might be proved wrong after commercials, but if they had footage of them, like, kissing, I'm pretty sure that would be part of this sleazy tease. In other words: Shut up, show. You have managed nine episodes of no or faux drama. Don't try to create adultery that isn't there. (I mean, not that I'd blame Patti for straying; who wouldn't choose John Salley over Rod Blagojevich?)
Damien and Myleene welcome us back again. They tell us things they've told us a million times and then send us back to the jungle. John's sitting on his bed, when Patti joins him. It's pouring, and she realizes it's dry on his bed. He says he's glad he stayed, and she tells him she's glad, too. She would have been bummed if he'd left. He leans over and touches his head to her shoulder. OMG! They are totally having an affair. Holly says they're together all the time. She helps him cook, sits to him, talks to him. She never would have thought a politician's wife and a basketball player would be so close. She sits on his bed and he gives her a jacket or blanket or something. He says in confessional that it's not cool that people think that you can't be friends with someone because they're of the opposite sex. Back on his bed, she asks him to imagine how the storyline would change if they snuggled up together.
Janice says Patti and John are always off together. She woke up at 5 a.m. and they were huddling and chatting. Janice: "What the fuck can anyone talk about at 5 in the morning, huddling and chatting, sitting to each other in front of a fire?!" Patti tells John that Janice has a crush on him, and tells him that Janice said if John weren't John, he'd be her type. Torrie has no idea what they talk about when she's not around. They're talking shit about Janice (but mostly it's just Patti talking). Stephen thinks it's not as authentic for Patti to become BFFs with John as it is for him to become BFFs with her, because she's from the world of politics. I'm not sure if he's saying she's doing this for popularity or what, but I like where he's going with this. Although, come on, Patti totally has a crush on John. Because she is married to a(n alleged) douchebag. Patti talks shit about Lou, too. She says she feels like he's acting a lot. Stephen says Patti has a plan, and is doing what's in her best interest. Patti then talks shit about Torrie to John, and he agrees, points to Janice and says, "That's what it looks like at 54." Stephen says the shimmer on perfect Patti is starting to dull a little. What did I tell you?! FAKE DRAMA.
A basket arrives in the evening. It's the Chinese food. John says the food was exquisite. Sanjaya starts cutting up garlic to make pasta sauce for the ladies, and John asks what he's doing. Then John, in confessional, says that Sanjaya might do hair and makeup, but if he wants to cook, he needs to talk to the chef and camp leader. John tells Stephen he's going to have to give up cooking, because there are too many chefs in the kitchen. Okay, John, can you say "control freak"? Because, seriously? Sanjaya can't cut up some garlic? Dude, lighten up. John thinks there won't be enough garlic for the beans they have to eat every day. Torrie says it's hard for John to step in and let anyone else do something, and Sanjaya saw that tonight. John has Sanjaya bring him some food to taste. John thinks it's too much oil, and he needs to get Sanjaya out of the kitchen. Sanjaya says he's honored to cook in John's kitchen and have John like what he made. John calls Lou over to tell him they have to get Sanjaya out of the kitchen, that he can chop and that's it, because the pasta is very oily. Can someone get this guy on the season of Top Chef, please? Because if he's this insane about his jungle kitchen, imagine how awesomely crazy he'd be in a cooking competition! He tells us the girls' food wasn't as good as it could have been. Then he tells Sanjaya it was too oily. In confessional, Sanjaya's all, "Duh! It was an oil-based sauce." Then he says it was still good, just a little oily. John tells him it could have been better. I would normally complain that they just created drama out of something so... nothing. Except that it was awesome. I like controlling-chef John as much as any other John. Damien, on the bridge outside of camp with Myleene, suggests him as the host of Hell's Kitchen and then sends us to commercial.
Myleene and Damien are outside of camp, about to tell the campmates how the voting's going. In camp earlier, John asks how they feel about knowing two people are leaving. We get a flashback to Myleene and Damien telling them that bit of news last night. Torrie's going to be depressed to lose not one, but two of them. Janice says she won't be. She's really nervous about it, because it increases the chances she could go home. Patti says it will leave a big hole in the camp. They all agree they have to step up their game. Holly says it's a new, more competitive game now. Lou thinks it's shocking to lose two people. He thinks the game is on now at a different level. Stephen thinks Thursday's a huge day. Janice looks above it all. John says people have to leave in order for someone to win. He talks about protecting yourself in the game, and compares it to chess again. He says they're a family, but it's an individual sport. Lou says they can be thrown curveballs at anytime, and he's not trusting anything now.
Myleene and Damien head into camp "live," and everyone cheers. Damien reminds them and us what John did last night: He saved himself. He says he was going to take the whole 20 seconds to say hello to his family, but it would have just prolonged it, because he came here to win for his charity. He says you have to put yourself in the position to win. Damien respects it, and Myleene says he's determined. Then she says they're going to tell the campers how America's voting. Janice looks seriously worried (she pretends to be aloof, but she really does want to win this thing), as Myleene says it's extremely close. Damien says that last week, the bottom five were separated by less than 3 percent of the vote, and the bottom two were separated by less than 1 percent. Myleene says that, as of this morning, Janice is not in the top two. Janice asks what that means. Damien tells Patti, she wasn't in the bottom two. I'm with Janice: What does that mean? Um, nothing really. Everyone yells hello or to vote for them, or something else. Damien, outside of camp now, reminds us that it's close and we need to vote, blah, blah, blah. They give us the numbers again. See you tomorrow, when two "celebrities" will be eliminated, and then they'll speak to Damien and Myleene after the show (or during the show? I don't know; it's not clear, but really, what is with this show?).
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DeAnn is a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.