I was about to be all "Yay! No more Speidi! This show will be so much better without them." But then I remembered that I read the "news" -- or, you know, what the majority of people view as "news" these days," which is "celebrity" gossip. And today NBC said Speidi might return if the rest of the cast lets them back in. Also, promo guy tells us what's on NBC tonight while Speidi dance on a log in the background -- a clear indication NBC's still banking on their return. And even, possibly, telling the other "celebrities" to let them back in. Not that NBC would ever rig the results of a show this pure and competitive, though, right? Anyway, here we go. Promo guy tells us what's up: Eleven "celebrities" will live together, conspire, and compete for three weeks. Tonight: Janice and John will fight. People will get bitten by rats. A surprise guest will show up. And Speidi might not really be gone. SHOCKING! Weird "celebrity" "jungle" credits. Then previouslies. Read the weecaps: Episode 1 and 2.
Now we're in this actual episode, which starts with a flashback to last night's "live" final moments, in which the "celebrities" sat around looking dazed while our illustrious hosts Myleene and Damien told the men they'd have to save one woman from elimination (they saved Patti). I want to complain about how this show previews and recaps and flashes back all the time, but if it weren't doing that, I'd have to be weecapping new material, so I'll try not to complain, and instead say a little prayer of thanks. Everyone likes Patti, or so they're telling us in the confessional. And Patti feels good about that. Damien and Myleene are "live" in the "jungle" with their big-screen TV. They make plastic surgery jokes about Janice, and tell us to vote. They remind us once again what happened last night, and give us the phone numbers to vote. If you care, vote at NBC.com or find the numbers there, but I can't be bothered to type that many numbers for something I care so little about. Because, really, does it matter which fools are here and which ones are gone? The show's pretty much the same hot mess no matter what. The hosts lead us in to the first actual scene. After SIX MINUTES of filler.
Everyone's waking up in the jungle. Patti says it's feeling more like home. Angela says it's like a rainbow in your heart to not have to deal with Speidi. Janice gets the water pot and spills water everywhere as she's putting it on the fire. Frangela explain that she even spilled it into John's boots. When he wakes up and finds his boots wet, he is not happy. He finds out it was her, and tries to nicely ask her about it. She's all, "What are you looking for me for?" She claims she didn't do it, then snottily apologizes. He doesn't accept, but she says he doesn't want a fight with her. His problem is that his feet hurt, and now they're infected from wet boots. Lou confessionals that flying into Janice's face will get you nowhere. They bicker like a married couple. She even calls him a "bitch," and then he brings up how he carried her bag all the way into camp. Stephen thinks Janice needs to get "hip to" the fact that this is a team effort, not a free ride. More Janice and John bickering, and she calls him a bitch again. It even wakes up poor Sanjaya. Everyone else laughs. John wants to borrow shampoo, and Janice freaks out because he doesn't have hair and she has a lot of it. And, you know, crazy lady sort of has a point there. John starts swearing at her, and she says he's out line. He calls her a selfish bitch. In the confessional, Janice rages that she won't be spoken to like this and is in a state of shock. Frangela says it's just John's day to snap. Commercials save us from the "drama."
Myleene and Damien are back in the "jungle." They remind us that Speidi left yesterday with a bunch of flashbacks to Heidi melting down about her missing labels, and Spencer acting insane and comparing himself and Heidi to Brangelina. He didn't know they were "guinea pig torture rats." They left, and everyone was happy. But no one was quite as happy as me. Back with Myleene and Damien, who tell us Speidi didn't leave, and would in fact like back in. They'll be joining us live later in the show. So, if you're here for the Speidi, don't go away.
Back in the jungle, Janice is crying in the confessional, and Lou's trying to make peace. Stephen says Janice brought it upon herself. John cites all the nice stuff he did for Janice, and can't believe she'd get hysterical over shampoo. Lou warns John that Janice is on the war path. John says Janice tapped into a part of him he had worked hard to not be anymore. He didn't mean to hurt her. He says he's a giver, and then says, "You can't take from me." Wait, aren't those opposites? Stephen says that Janice is so cunning, and shoots a spitball every 15 minutes, and that eventually you get sick of it. John says he feels bad he talked to her like that, and when he sees her, he will apologize. Frangela hopes they can talk to each other and get through it. John's at the river, and Janice is still crying in the confessional, so everyone else is talking about what happened. Lou's confessed that Janice is on the edge and might leave. Sanjaya's all: Easiest game ever. He says, "We're not even doing anything, and people are getting eliminated." John says he shouldn't have lost his cool, and should have bit his tongue and prays instead. He heads to the confessional, and apologizes to her. She can't believe he'd disrespect him, and he says she's done the same, so she wants him to leave. He apologizes again and leaves. Then John is crying in the confessional, because he feels terrible that he apologized and it wasn't accepted. He says the only thing he can think about is that someone might talk to his daughters that way. He hates that he used such powerful words to be hurtful. And he actually thinks it's transferred anger from other things. He hopes Janice will forgive him, and that he can figure out what he's really angry about. Is someone as cool as John Salley actually crying because a crazy freak like Janice Dickinson is mad at him? Seriously? Take it as a compliment, dude. Anyway, commercials.
Myleene and Damien welcome us back to Day Three. They compliment each other, and remind us about the emotions and apologies. But now it's time for a food trial. In the "jungle," Lou reads from a scroll. He says today's food trial is called "Rocky Horror," and they'll compete for teams. They try to figure out what that might mean. They're going to leave without Janice, who says she's had bronchitis for days, so she pulled out sick. They head into a "jungle clearing," where Damien and Myleene greet them. Myleene asks if John's feeling invincible since the guys have won two food trials and the first challenge. He's all, "Uh, no." Not after the way the spiders were looking at him. He says he hasn't slept well. Without Janice, it's four versus four. Myleene reminds us it's winner takes all: One team will eat a pork dinner; the other team gets more rice and beans. Angela says just looking at the pork made her salivate. She's about to cry.
The game: One member of each team will step up to a rock wall and stick their hand in a hole. There's a star in each hole, but it might be nailed down or tied down. And, of course, the stars aren't in their holes alone. They're being guarded. We get to see tarantulas, rats and what looks like some sort of eel in the holes with the stars. Frances and John are first up and tarantulas are guarding the stars. John looks in and sees what's in there, and he seriously cannot do it. That's exactly how I could be. Frances freaks a little, then goes for it, but freaks when one touches her. John reaches in and finds the star and starts unscrewing it even as tarantulas crawl on his hands. He taunts Frances about how freaky it is and how she doesn't want her hand in there. He gets his unscrewed, and it's pretty awesome. Frances says she can't imagine playing basketball against him, because he got in her head. He explains that it was mind over matter. up: Lou and Torrie. The holes are full of rats, which are apparently biting them. That takes us to our commercial break.
Myleene and Damien once again lead us back into the food challenge after some recapping and reminding us that we can vote. Thanks, guys. We didn't get that the first 300 times. Back at the food challenge, we recap the rules and then head to Torrie and Lou with the rats. She's freaking out at the biting, and so is Lou. I'm not sure it's safe to be bitten by rats. Torrie jumps away, but Lou's dealing with the pain and trying to get his star. It's tied, but he's trying to untie it. Torrie gives up completely. Eventually, Lou gets it untied. He comes out and explains you could hear the rats munching, and that someone sharpened their teeth. He has to go to a jungle doctor for medical attention. up are Patti and Sanjaya. Patti says the rats hurting Lou raised the fear factor, and she felt like she didn't have a chance. They reach in to find watery tanks with some type of fish in there. They just rummage around until Patti pulls her out, so it's 2-1.
Stephen and Angela are up . Angela says a little prayer, but does she realizes she's up against Stephen, who is one with God? They reach in, and Damien explains that cow dung and earthworms are in there. Which is so easy, and not at all gross. But I also want to know why Damien didn't tell us what the fish was, since he explained this one? They both dig through, and try to work the star off this spiral coil thing. Stephen wins, making it 3-1 in favor of the guys. Stephen admits in the confessional that he had it pretty easy, once he figured out the coil thing. He flexes his muscles to show how good he is at doing easy stuff.
John and Frances are up again, and there are frogs in there. Frogs? Are not scary. Frances does not agree, especially when one jumps out and she can see it's a harmless little frog. It starts pouring "rain" so that we know they're really in the "jungle." John gets the star. Inspirational music plays as he says he can't let his team down, and he wants to win every time because he's super-competitive. So, the guys win once again, and get to go back to camp knowing they'll eat well tonight. I wonder if they are still sharing food, since there didn't appear to be any ramifications when they shared their chicken and pineapple the first night? John explains that he will prepare a nasty piece of flesh for himself and the guys (because, you know, he's a vegan) and he'll watch the ladies eat more rice and beans. Patti's not happy that Torrie got all bitten, and they still come away the losers. Back at camp, Janice is relaxing and drinking water. Torrie walks in to camp and cries to Janice about how much it hurt to get bitten by rats. Janice is so sorry. Everyone acts like this is a true tragedy. Torrie's in shock, so Janice tells her to come over and lay her legs on her. Because, you know, nothing comforts quite like laying your legs on someone. Or something.
The women are so upset that they haven't won anything yet. Torrie says they're totally bummed that they've lost three times now. Sanjaya says he was the only guy who lost, and then says that John conquered his fear of spiders. John says his daughter is scared of spiders, too, because it's apparently in the DNA, but he finally, after 41 years, was able to conquer his fear. Lou moseys in to camp and asks where the pork is. Typical man coming in screaming for dinner. Everyone claps for him. They guys applaud themselves for winning, and Lou impresses everyone with his deep wounds, which apparently were bites upon bites. Thankfully, we don't really see them, because rat bites are not really my thing. Torrie can't believe Lou could stay in there with how badly those hurt, and he says he didn't come here to quit. Janice rolls her eyes and then says Lou "ain't no Rambo." She knows, because she dated Rambo. Or, actually, Sylvester Stallone. But they're the same thing, right? Lou goes on and on about how his dad was in Vietnam, so he would have been disappointed in Lou if he'd wussed out at some rat bites. Um, Lou, I'm pretty sure your dad is already disappointed in you for being on this show. I'm just saying... Commercials.
Afterward, Myleene and Damien welcome us back with a recap and lead-in. The guys bond over cooking. Stephen burns his hand on a pan in the fire and then sticks his hand in the river. Then he yells, "Bullet ant!" And points one out. It's crawling on a hanging trash can thing. Everyone says they're after Stephen, since he's been bitten by two (both on the first day, as you might recall; though I hope you don't, because no one should have to remember this stuff other than me). Stephen says he's been bitten by two bullet ants and burnt his finger, so what else could go wrong? Never a question you ask. We get ominous music and a blurry someone walking across the bridge into camp. Everyone sits around, smiling and laughing, and Daniel Baldwin walks in and asks if anyone has seen Stephen Baldwin. Stephen is the only one who doesn't smile or laugh when Daniel says he's the surprise new castmember. But he says in the confessional that seeing his brother was "such a gnarly Jedi mind trick." In the confessional, Daniel says, "Let's get ready to rumble!" John says this game has too many twists, since the "jungle" already has enough twists. Stephen's happy Daniel's here. He says they're competitive, but in a "fun, healthy way."
Everyone in camp greets Daniel. Angela says she thought Stephen had to know, but then she looked at Stephen and realized he was in total shock and that he might still be. Janice is staring at Daniel and then says, "I like this one better. In fact, I could be in love." Janice says in the confessional that she knows all the Baldwins, but had "never met the Daniel." She says she could see that the wind was taken out of Stephen's sails. Stephen says if everyone though Spencer was cool, just wait until they all see Daniel. Janice: "I didn't think Spencer was cool." Stephen screams that he was being sarcastic. Daniel wonders where Speidi is, since they wouldn't tell him anything. Stephen says in the confessional that sometimes in the jungle when you see the tiger, the best thing to do is stand still. Wow, man, that's deep. If you're high. He says it will be like fighting without fighting. He's going to have to get Bruce Lee on them. But I can't tell if he's thinking Daniel's his ally or his enemy.
Back with Myleene, who tells us the camp might have two former members back, since she's joined by Speidi once again. Good god, can't we please just be done with them already?! I'm actually talking not just to this show, but to society in general. Just ignore them and they will eventually go away. Myleene reminds them they were headed to The Hills last time and couldn't get out quickly enough. Heidi says that's because the devil got to them, but now they realize they are doing it for charity and need to get back. Spencer says they had to get out of that situation to realize they'd lost their minds. He says he needed a straitjacket. He thought he wouldn't pass a psych test to get on this show. Myleene asks how they'll handle it this time, since all those other celebrities devalue their fame. Spencer says he lost his mind. Except that he would have had to have one in the first place in order to lose it, wouldn't he? So... yeah, probably didn't happen. He says he loves all those people, thinks they're amazing, and can't wait to learn from them and their unique backgrounds. He says he was being selfish. They promise Myleene they'll never leave again; they're here for good. They're here for their charities. Myleene says she might have a way for them to go back, but it won't be easy. They have to spend the night in the lost chamber alone. If they complete that, then the castmates will get to choose whether they want them back. And Damien will know that answer, because he'll talk to them after commercials.
Howie Mandel does a "More You Know" segment, making me realize that as annoying as Damien and Myleene are, it could actually be worse. Damien's heading in to camp "live" to tell the "celebrities" about the very big decision they have to make. He tells them they are "live," so everyone should be careful with the language, especially Janice. Hee. He asks them if they remember Speidi. He says they want to come back in, and explains they have to earn their way by sleeping in the lost chamber. He asks if they'll take them back if they can spend the night. Everyone immediately says "no," and Janice says, "They made such a casino here." Does that mean anything to anybody? I honestly think that Janice speaks a different language than I do. She adds that there's no room for Speidi. Because the "jungle" is so small. They all scream about it, but it seems like everyone wants to say no. John is not involved in the discussion, but he is involved in the screaming, because he is apparently saying hi to everyone he's ever known in his life. He finishes and says, "Who'd I leave out?" Come on, we'd all do that if we were live on TV, right?
Lou wants to get down to business and discuss, but Stephen would like to vote. John, Janice, and Stephen all vote to let them come back. But that's not an official vote, because Damien's not there. We will find that out tomorrow, apparently, and we'll hopefully get to see if Speidi can make it through the night in the lost chamber. Seriously, I get that it's for charity, and I think I am not as terrible of a person as either half of Speidi, but I would not sleep in that chamber full of bats, rats, tarantulas and cockroaches for charity. Then again, I'm also not the famewhore that Speidi is, so they just might make it. We leave with live footage of the "celebrities" chatting, but they play the music over the top of it, so we can't hear anything. And then we cut to Obama and Brian Williams again. I have to stop watching now, because I would not want to watch anything that might actually require brain power. Especially after having just participated in something that killed the majority of my brain cells. Back for more tomorrow.
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