Speidi Nonsense

S01E02

Heidi's cool with leaving, but she thinks Stephen should baptize Spencer first. Stephen wants Spencer to wash off first, but Spencer says washing the eel sperm off of him is symbolic of washing the filth off of him. Janice says this is a joke because Stephen's not an ordained minister. Yeah, that is why this is a joke. Not because Spencer is a total asshat for whom no amount of bathing or baptism will wash away the filth. Spencer says that if Stephen feels he's connected to God, that's enough for him. Janice: "He's not." Janice gives in and says she'll go stand there, but she doesn't condone it. She confessionals later that she didn't know she was signing up for Holy Rollers, Get Me Out Of Here. Which might be entertaining, actually. Spencer tells her he doesn't think Stephen's pure, but he just would like to hear some Bible verses while he washes off. Isn't that what we'd all like, really? So let's just fake a baptism time. Janice is like, "Whatever."

In the river, Stephen's baptizing Spencer. Frangela do not attend. Stephen says the dunk is longer the more you've sinned. So he will have to hold Spencer underwater for at least ten minutes, right. They spout some baptism stuff, and then Stephen dunks him. He tells us that we are now looking at a new Spencer Pratt. He feels new and powerful, like he just took a ten-year bath with lots of bubbles, because he's sinned a lot. Speidi are so happy. They love Stephen Baldwin, no matter what anyone says. Commercials.

Myleene and Damien are still so above this job, except that it's for charity, and you can donate at NBC.com if you'd like to let any of these fools influence your charitable giving. Back at camp, Speidi announces that they are going to leave, even though they love everyone and will miss everyone, and even though they've said they're going to leave like ten times already. Sanjaya says he never knows with these two, and they might show up for breakfast. Spencer explains that he'll never be as strong as Torrie and in order to do what she just did (which we don't see), someone would have to have a gun with lots of bullets to get him to do it. Or, you know, one bullet. Or even a big stick. Spencer explains in the confessional that he and Heidi are super celebrities as she sprays his hair with either dry shampoo or hairspray. Spencer says that real celebrities don't belong in the jungle; they belong in Hollywood with the paparazzi. Torrie says the only surprise is that they've lasted this long. We flash back to all the times they tried to escape. Hugs go all around as they leave. Spencer says he and Heidi are the most famous people in the world, and everyone else here is eating bugs to try to be that famous, but for Speidi? "It'll just give us a stomach ache." His logic is totally infallible, you guys. Speidi's heading back to The Hills, and they vow to never leave again. Frangela explains that the Duo of Dumb has left. Everyone seems perfectly happy to see them go.