Previously: Last night happened. And then Speidi spent all day in an on-again, off-again relationship (first they quit, then they were replaced, then they wanted back on) with this show. And only now will we find out what really happened. But announcer guy wants us to know that the celebrities will be here for three weeks, and we get some teaser stuff, because it's so hard to wait until the end of the hour to see it all. Especially with a show this riveting. Basically, everyone freaks out and hates it here. There are rats and snakes. Stephen baptizes Spencer. Then Speidi decides to leave (which we already knew, thanks to those gossip sites). Tonight, we get to vote and "control their fate." If only. Did we mention it's live? Opening credits, and then we get actual previouslies. If you don't remember it, you can read the weecap. The gist: Speidi are babies and everyone is crazy enough to eat tarantulas. When the show ended, we were watching Lou, Stephen, Torrie, Patti and Sanjaya in the "trauma tank," which is actually as bad as it sounds. They were all face-down in a kiddie pool of cockroaches, tarantulas, and other creepy crawlies. Ew.
Our hosts remind us again what happened last night: Trauma tank. Damien and Myleene mock Speidi for being "much too famous" to compete last night. Damien and Myleene are so above this show, you know. That's why they're ON IT. Anyway, trauma tank winner gets immunity. And then we get to vote people out of the jungle. Which is probably a favor, so vote wisely. We flashback to the trauma tank, and Heidi explains she couldn't hack tarantulas and snakes, which is why she sat out. We get to see Frangela, Janice and John quit right away again. Janice freaks out, all, "Do you know who I am?! Are you insane?!" Um, someone is, JANICE. Stephen can feel tarantulas crawling on him, and he explains later that he just kept thinking, "Don't bite me." They let in snakes. John is the spectator freaking out the most, and he is telling Patti to pull out since there's a tarantula on her leg. I still see something under her hood, but apparently it's just her hair looking like tarantula legs to me. She says John was talking trash, and she was having none of it. Except that she does quit because she says she could hear a "growl." Do tarantulas growl? She explains she could hear the creatures, but the growl was too much for her. As it would be.
Stephen starts preaching to Spencer about being baptized, because it's scriptural. Heidi agrees. Spencer says that Heidi loves Jesus more than anyone he's ever met, and she's always wanted him to be baptized. Stephen offers to baptize him in the water, and Heidi likes this idea. She then tells us in the confessional how much she wants to be a Mother Teresa type, caring about the poor and not caring about things like money and wealth, which are of this world (as opposed to dry shampoo, which was Mother Teresa's favorite hair product). Heidi is trying to store up the treasures of heaven. Stephen explains that he's born again, and quotes the Bible. Spencer says, "This is so me in two years." Then he explains in the confessional how Heidi told him to pray and he prayed that God would let him go on a double date with Miley Cyrus, and God made it happen within a month. That was proof enough for Spencer, y'all. Stephen tells Spencer that God loves a challenge.
And then we get a food challenge, in which each team has to select a team member to represent the teams in the food trial lost chamber. Janice says it should be Sanjaya and Torrie, but Spencer seems to think it should be himself and his blushing Mother Teresa bride. Janice doesn't think they can call it, but Spencer wants to do it. He tells Janice he's going and she isn't telling him what to do again. Spencer was not about to let Sanjaya go into the jungle alone with his wife. The guys vote for Spencer, because even they realize that Janice is crazy. Spencer says he's going to beat his wife in this competition, because he can't lose at things even if it's against his wife. They head into the jungle, and Heidi explains that Spencer hates to lose so much that he'd throw her off the cliff to win, which makes her competitive. Spencer says that last time they competed against each other, he almost killed himself trying to win, but she won. So he has revenge coming.
They arrive at a little building, where Myleene and Damien are waiting. They say they have something fun in store for Speidi. Heidi says Spencer's going down, and that they're both totally competitive and aren't going to look out for each other. Damien explains they're trying to win food for themselves and the team. Heidi says they don't care about the team. Myleene says it's winner-takes-all, so one team will eat and one "will go hungry." Or, you know, eat rice and beans again. Myleene shows them the food they could win: It's fish, watermelon, broccoli, and ginger or something. Heidi and Spencer don't like it, and would rather have the chicken. Anyway, they have to go inside a lost chamber, which is basically a dark tunnel full of snakes and rats, and some plastic stars. They have to find the stars; whoever finds the most in three minutes wins. Myleene promises them surprises, and we see big spiders, cockroaches and sharks. They can surrender by saying the name of the show. Speidi say they're not giving up, and then they pray for strength. Spencer goes first, but we head to commercial as soon as they put him in the chamber.
Myleene and Damien welcome us back with more recapping. And then we even go back in time a little bit to get the rules of the lost chamber again. It's so complicated. Anyway, Spencer's going inside the lost chamber again. It's dimly lit for a moment, but then the lights go out, so it's pitch black. That means he has to feel around for the stars. But he doesn't, because he can hear rats and bats. He says "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here," but then says he's joking. He feels like he's in hell. Then he sees a star with some rats and goes for it. He has two stars as Myleene and Damien count down. They let him out, and he says it's the worst place he's ever been, the worst experience of his life. The goo on his shoes is "eel slime," according to the hosts. They count his two stars.
Heidi's turn. They let her in, and the lights quickly go out. She actually reaches around for stuff, though, unlike her stupid husband. She says she's praying to God, because Daniel was in the lion's den, but we hear her actually pretending she's shopping, so it's somewhat more superficial than that biblical parable. They count down and let her out. She says she doesn't like fish, so she doesn't care if she's won or lost. Spencer thinks she probably got twelve stars. But she only got one star, so Spencer wins and the boys get to eat fish. Heidi doesn't know how he could even see in there. They head back to camp, and we get more commercials. Apparently, this is the Speidi show, and everyone else is just along for the ride.
Myleene. Damien. Stuff we already know and don't care about anyway. Back with Speidi, Spencer explains that he won, because he wins at everything. He says he will probably throw the fish in the water, because he doesn't care if anyone else gets to eat. Then he says that no one -- not even Spencer Pratt -- knows what Spencer's going to do. For example, he thinks he's going to go back to camp and quit, but then he might decide to just go ahead and win the whole thing. Back at camp, everyone asks who won, and Spencer says, "Neither of us." No one believes it, of course, and he eventually admits that he got them fish dinners. Spencer says that everyone should understand that him getting the spiders is "true love," and he will always be able to open any door without fear. Janice is all, "So you did a little trial today?" He says that it's actually his goodbye trial. Then he explains how easy this is for him because Hollywood is like war every day for him. And then he completely changes his mind and says that trial was like real torture, so he's leaving now, because he's too rich and famous for this. Janice hilariously tells him to go take a shower with some soap. But he's not doing that; he's leaving. He says he could stay, but he doesn't want to and is sorry for his charity. He'll go give blood or something. In the confessional, he says these people are nothing, and he feels like an all-star playing with a bunch of Bad News Bears.
Heidi's cool with leaving, but she thinks Stephen should baptize Spencer first. Stephen wants Spencer to wash off first, but Spencer says washing the eel sperm off of him is symbolic of washing the filth off of him. Janice says this is a joke because Stephen's not an ordained minister. Yeah, that is why this is a joke. Not because Spencer is a total asshat for whom no amount of bathing or baptism will wash away the filth. Spencer says that if Stephen feels he's connected to God, that's enough for him. Janice: "He's not." Janice gives in and says she'll go stand there, but she doesn't condone it. She confessionals later that she didn't know she was signing up for Holy Rollers, Get Me Out Of Here. Which might be entertaining, actually. Spencer tells her he doesn't think Stephen's pure, but he just would like to hear some Bible verses while he washes off. Isn't that what we'd all like, really? So let's just fake a baptism time. Janice is like, "Whatever."
In the river, Stephen's baptizing Spencer. Frangela do not attend. Stephen says the dunk is longer the more you've sinned. So he will have to hold Spencer underwater for at least ten minutes, right. They spout some baptism stuff, and then Stephen dunks him. He tells us that we are now looking at a new Spencer Pratt. He feels new and powerful, like he just took a ten-year bath with lots of bubbles, because he's sinned a lot. Speidi are so happy. They love Stephen Baldwin, no matter what anyone says. Commercials.
Myleene and Damien are still so above this job, except that it's for charity, and you can donate at NBC.com if you'd like to let any of these fools influence your charitable giving. Back at camp, Speidi announces that they are going to leave, even though they love everyone and will miss everyone, and even though they've said they're going to leave like ten times already. Sanjaya says he never knows with these two, and they might show up for breakfast. Spencer explains that he'll never be as strong as Torrie and in order to do what she just did (which we don't see), someone would have to have a gun with lots of bullets to get him to do it. Or, you know, one bullet. Or even a big stick. Spencer explains in the confessional that he and Heidi are super celebrities as she sprays his hair with either dry shampoo or hairspray. Spencer says that real celebrities don't belong in the jungle; they belong in Hollywood with the paparazzi. Torrie says the only surprise is that they've lasted this long. We flash back to all the times they tried to escape. Hugs go all around as they leave. Spencer says he and Heidi are the most famous people in the world, and everyone else here is eating bugs to try to be that famous, but for Speidi? "It'll just give us a stomach ache." His logic is totally infallible, you guys. Speidi's heading back to The Hills, and they vow to never leave again. Frangela explains that the Duo of Dumb has left. Everyone seems perfectly happy to see them go.
Torrie and Patti say they like them, but Patti quickly tells Sanjaya he seems a little more mature. She is saying this to the crazy person who jumps up and down, does fire dances and has a faux-hawk. Try to keep that in mind. He says he's actually had to live life, and hasn't been handed everything. They all discuss that Speidi has never had to work for everything. Torrie says they dragged them down and weren't team players. Then everyone starts betting on whether they'll come back. John believes they are actually leaving this time, even though he didn't believe it the two, three, or four times. He bets Patti five dollars. Frangela's so over them leaving that they didn't even get up to say goodbye. Speidi is getting into a car. Janice is so happy to see those very spoiled kids gone. In the car, Spencer says, "I don't volunteer, baby. I get paid!" Janice wishes them a nice life, but I don't think she means it. Myleene and Damien wonder if they've left for good, and they say phone lines will open soon for the public vote. They tell us that the men are going to have to save one woman from the public vote, and then they send us to commercial.
Back in the jungle, Myleene and Damien are about to head into camp to tell the guys their big decision. They head in and greet the celebrities, who all think Myleene looks pretty. Damien congratulates Sanjaya on winning the first immunity trial, making all of the men exempt from the public vote, but not the ladies. Myleene reminds everyone they're live right now. Janice keeps blurting craziness, but Myleene explains that the men have 20 seconds to decide on a woman to save from the public vote. Lou stands and saves Patti. Everyone claps, except Angela, who doesn't look happy about this. I think they knew Patti would be the first one out if they hadn't done that. Stephen talks to his kids, I think. And now the celebrities talk about how good of a choice that was. Torrie swears and is bleeped. The celebrities wonder if they were just on live, and if they still are. They're all, "Nope," so Stephen asks if he can go lay down again. And the cameras finally go away so he possibly can. Damien urges us to vote to save the women we like, and then they both tell us how. I am sort of surprised Frangela are playing as two people. I thought they were playing as one. We go through the numbers. If you care, you can go to NBC.com and find the numbers, or vote there.
Tomorrow, John and Janice are at each other's throats. Wait. How do we know what's going to happen tomorrow? Maybe I am not clear on the concept of "live." And in the weirdest juxtaposition in the history of television, Brian Williams and President Obama come on the screen talking about what Obama does in a day. I'm guessing it doesn't involve eating tarantulas or being baptized by Stephen Baldwin, so I'll stop weecapping here. See you tomorrow.
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DeAnn is a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.