Get Them All Out Of Here

S01E01

Heidi is unhappy that she doesn't have more than one pair of shoes. John thinks it's hilarious that she can't live without Starbucks. Spencer feels like a bad husband and is starting to think about using her as an excuse to quit. Heidi doesn't know how long she can do this. It's been a few hours now, and she's about to die. She doesn't want to just quit "right away," so she and Spencer say a prayer. He prays for her to have the strength to be a "strong mountain jungle woman" and then he seems to fall asleep mid-prayer. And then has a cramp and has to push her away. We're back with Damien and Myleene (who was a contestant on the British version of this show), who are mocking Heidi for expecting a five-star hotel.

The yellow team continues toward their camp. They arrive to find the red team already there. Janice claps and welcomes them. Stephen was expecting a bigger, more "grandiose" camp. Everyone introduces themselves to each other and hugs. Sanjaya says getting to camp was a relief. John wants to cook, but Janice wants to cook for them. John's a vegan and is anal about where his food comes from, so he has to cook. He doesn't want anyone sneaking swine into his dinner. Everyone says they have to keep the fire going or insects and rats will infiltrate the camp. Janice heads over to Stephen's bed, where there is a stockpile of wood underneath. She tells him it's there, so if he hears her over there rummaging around his bed at night, she's only looking for ... She trails off, so Stephen Baldwin offers, "A stiff piece of wood." Heidi realizes she's in the jungle with a bunch of strangers and can't snuggle with her husband or sleep with him like normal. She's in a prison being tortured for three weeks. While she says this, she and Spencer are snuggling on the hammock.

Janice says there are rules, if anyone would like to read them. Spencer says the rule is that this place sucks. Frangela says Speidi might be the only people dealing with the jungle even worse than they are. Lou reads the rules: Two celebrities must empty the jungle john every day. Spencer and Heidi get up and take off. Heidi is dreading the night, because there's no tent. Off on their own, Speidi discuss how terrible this is: She says she cannot not have sex with him for that long. He says if she weren't here, he would have left already. They kiss. Heidi interviews she could do this for a long time if there were S'mores and stuff, but this is "borderline real torture, like, I would do this to al-Qaeda." See? This is why she actually should be tortured. Spencer is trying to decide if they should leave. She knows. It's such a toss-up. He says there are so many ways to look at it. They both want to leave. So, not really that many ways to look at it? Everyone wonders where Speidi is; they're in the confession booth wondering how to push the button to quit this game. They come out and tell everyone they're celebrities and are getting the hell out of here. Everyone sort of makes fun, since they haven't even done challenges yet. Spencer says they love their lives too much at home. Everyone tries to talk them out of it (which ... why? Does anyone really want to live in the jungle with those two for any longer than they have to?). They appeal to the fact that their charities will both be missing out if they leave, and Spencer's all, "That's why we chose two of the biggest charities." You know, because big charities don't need donations.