Are we ready for "celebrities" trying to "survive" in the "jungle"? Well, ready or not, here we go. Lou Diamond Phillips is in it to win it. Heidi loves shopping and luxury so she doesn't want to know what she's getting into. Sanjaya wonders what's the worst that can happen? Let's just see. Promo announcer guy tells us how much excitement we have to look forward to: Celebrities! In the jungle! Afraid of insects, but having to eat them. Stephen Baldwin wants to win. Spencer says confrontation is his middle name. And we, America, decide who stays and who goes and who will be crowned king or queen of the jungle. Spencer's our worst nightmare. Which I think anyone who's ever watched The Hills could have told us without having him on a network reality show (that he and Heidi have already tried to quit, of course). Too-long credits, which is actually a blessing when you consider how many hours of this show I'll be suffering through each week for you, dear readers.
Because this show is too much for just one host our dynamic hosting duo, Damien Fahey and Myleene Klass, walk along a dock on a swamp in the "jungle." No, really, they are "live from deep within the Costa Rican jungle," according to Damien. And, as is always the case deep within a jungle, there is a giant, flat-screen TV there. Myleene explains that the "celebrities" have been in the jungle for 48 hours so far. Damien tells us anything can happen, and the only certainty is that we viewers get to vote. And the show will be live Monday through Thursday at 8 PM. Damien reminds us to watch Conan's debut on The Tonight Show later. Oh, and the celebrities are here to raise money for charity, not to earn fame and fortune for themselves. The longer they stay, the more money their charity gets. Now let's meet the "brave and generous" (Myleene's words; certainly not mine) "celebrities" (also Myleene).
Approaching the jungle in a helicopter are: Janice Dickinson, who says she's the first supermodel because she coined the term. She doesn't like insects, though, so this will be, like, so hard. Spencer Pratt wants to go from being an asshat on one reality show to another. This time, though, he'd like to show us all he's an even bigger supervillain. And he'd "rather live in the jungle with the monkeys than go back to America as a loser." He doesn't have friends; just his wife. Speaking of, up is Heidi Montag, who says she's on The Hills and that she knows nothing! (long pause) About the jungle. But she has her husband to take care of her. She's excited about getting a tan and working out. "So it's kind of like a spa vacation, without the spa." Those three are all in the helicopter (along with a couple others, who we haven't met yet) in red shirts, so I'm thinking... red team?
Everyone in the plane is wearing yellow, so I think we have our color-coded teams. Are you keeping up? In yellow is Torrie Wilson, who describes herself as "a wrestling diva for about nine years." She likes to be strong and think she can do anything, but she's dreading the jungle because of her fear of insects. Stephen Baldwin thinks we might be familiar with him from his sort-of respectable career in movies such as The Usual Suspects or we might know him from his many reality show appearances: The Mole, The Celebrity Apprentice, or, you know, Celebrity Bullriding Challenge and that one episode of Celebrity Blackjack. In other words: Reality show whore. He thinks this will be "gnarly," "whacked," and "freaky." He's looking forward to it. Frances Callier and Angela V. Shelton are , but they're playing as one person: Frangela. They're a comedy team we might know from Best Week Ever or Hannah Montana. Or, if you're like me, you might not know of them at all. They joke about how they'll set the bar on this show, physically. It's hilarious because they're fat. Get it?
More yellow team, but they've now transferred from a plane to a boat. Lou Diamond Phillips thinks we probably know him from the film work he did twenty years ago. He is looking forward to this, but realizes there will be moments of sheer terror. Cut to an alligator-looking creature crawling into a swamp and celebrities swearing in a boat. Sanjaya Malakar reminds us that he was on American Idol. He says most people think he's a quiet Indian boy (did anyone think Sanjaya, the screamer, was quiet?!), but he has a wild side. Which he's proven by shaving his head into a sort of faux-hawk. Because nothing says "wild" like ugly hair. The yellow team wonders what the other team is doing, and hopes it's harder.
It's not. They are simply walking through the jungle. That's so much easier than sitting in a boat looking at alligators and monkeys, right? Oh, I don't know. It all looks pretty easy, so far. John Salley thinks we might know him from "playing in the NBA." But I didn't play in the NBA, so I have not met him. Or heard of him. His nickname is John "Spider" Salley because he has a fear of spiders. That should go over well in the "jungle." Patti Blagojevich introduces her husband before she introduces herself. Appropriate, since he was the one the show really wanted. She says life's been difficult for them lately and she starts to cry as she says the jungle actually doesn't seem scary after all that's happened. The red team tries to cross the river, which is apparently a really difficult thing to do. John's strategy was to walk, until he fell, but then he decided to crawl on his hands and knees. Patti's floating down the river, and Heidi points out how fast the current is. Patti grabs a branch, but Janice yells "Patti! Patti!" helpfully over and over. Heidi thinks Patti was very terrified, and Patti concurs. She'd like no more excitement today, please.
Myleene and Damien welcome us back after a long commercial break (thank you, NBC, for long commercial breaks). Damien makes fun of Sanjaya, Heidi, and Spencer, which is awesome. And then they tell us to stick around, blah, blah, blah, filler-cakes. We check in with the yellow team as they journey into camp. Stephen takes on the role of leader, which means he tells everyone what to do, whether they like it or not. He calls Lou "Lou Diamond," which is possibly what he likes to be called, but I always thought Diamond and Phillips were his last names. Anyway, he tells everyone where to walk, and how, and in what order. Stephen is the best reality whore ever. Unless you're counting Spencer. Torrie pretends to appreciate Stephen taking the lead. Stephen promises to pick up anyone who falls down, and then when Frances does fall, Lou picks her up. Stephen tells us that Frances is sort of a problem, and he feels bad for her because she's not in great shape and might not be cut out for this. He decides to give her a "quick lesson," which is: "The more you worry about falling, the more you're going to fall." I don't think that's a lesson, but whatever. She seems to like it when he adds, "You're gonna make it, girl!" And then calls her "babe." Lou spouts some more platitudes about how they're all a team and friends and everything. And then Frangela tell us how hard walking through the jungle was. Let's hope it doesn't get any more difficult than, you know, WALKING.
Back with the red team, Spencer talks to the camera about how he doesn't know how he is going to share a "sleeping environment" (read: the jungle) with these "strangers," which he says is a very good word for them. He laughs, all superior, because, you know, he was on The Hills. John is carrying Janice's pack, and she runs around like the crazy fool that she is. Then she tells him there's a "big black monkey" in the tree, and John's all, "What you tryin' to say?" But she doesn't get it, so he just says it's whack. Heidi asks if it's a real monkey and John asks, "As opposed to a fake one?" Heidi: "Yeee-ah." John rolls his eyes. Spencer thinks the monkey's laughing at them. Spencer wants to get to camp, but he also would like to get back to The Hills. He says he knows everyone expects him to quit on the first day, but he won't do that. Or he might, but he hasn't yet. Janice says walking into camp was "a big slap of reality." Spencer says he feels like he's hallucinating right now. Heidi says this is the opposite of her real life. There is one toilet, and one change of clothing, and it's like a prison. She looks like she might cry. John asks her: "You all right, little girl?" She sadly says, "Yeah," and then Spencer points out that his wife looks like she's having a serious meltdown. He's never seen her like this. Heidi feels like everything that she has and loves just got taken from her, "and not, like, in a fun way." I swear that she actually said that. Because there are so many fun ways for everything you love to be taken from you. Actually, of all the ways for everything you love to be taken from you, this actually might be the most fun one, Heidi. That's reality TV: usually better than actual reality.
Heidi is unhappy that she doesn't have more than one pair of shoes. John thinks it's hilarious that she can't live without Starbucks. Spencer feels like a bad husband and is starting to think about using her as an excuse to quit. Heidi doesn't know how long she can do this. It's been a few hours now, and she's about to die. She doesn't want to just quit "right away," so she and Spencer say a prayer. He prays for her to have the strength to be a "strong mountain jungle woman" and then he seems to fall asleep mid-prayer. And then has a cramp and has to push her away. We're back with Damien and Myleene (who was a contestant on the British version of this show), who are mocking Heidi for expecting a five-star hotel.
The yellow team continues toward their camp. They arrive to find the red team already there. Janice claps and welcomes them. Stephen was expecting a bigger, more "grandiose" camp. Everyone introduces themselves to each other and hugs. Sanjaya says getting to camp was a relief. John wants to cook, but Janice wants to cook for them. John's a vegan and is anal about where his food comes from, so he has to cook. He doesn't want anyone sneaking swine into his dinner. Everyone says they have to keep the fire going or insects and rats will infiltrate the camp. Janice heads over to Stephen's bed, where there is a stockpile of wood underneath. She tells him it's there, so if he hears her over there rummaging around his bed at night, she's only looking for ... She trails off, so Stephen Baldwin offers, "A stiff piece of wood." Heidi realizes she's in the jungle with a bunch of strangers and can't snuggle with her husband or sleep with him like normal. She's in a prison being tortured for three weeks. While she says this, she and Spencer are snuggling on the hammock.
Janice says there are rules, if anyone would like to read them. Spencer says the rule is that this place sucks. Frangela says Speidi might be the only people dealing with the jungle even worse than they are. Lou reads the rules: Two celebrities must empty the jungle john every day. Spencer and Heidi get up and take off. Heidi is dreading the night, because there's no tent. Off on their own, Speidi discuss how terrible this is: She says she cannot not have sex with him for that long. He says if she weren't here, he would have left already. They kiss. Heidi interviews she could do this for a long time if there were S'mores and stuff, but this is "borderline real torture, like, I would do this to al-Qaeda." See? This is why she actually should be tortured. Spencer is trying to decide if they should leave. She knows. It's such a toss-up. He says there are so many ways to look at it. They both want to leave. So, not really that many ways to look at it? Everyone wonders where Speidi is; they're in the confession booth wondering how to push the button to quit this game. They come out and tell everyone they're celebrities and are getting the hell out of here. Everyone sort of makes fun, since they haven't even done challenges yet. Spencer says they love their lives too much at home. Everyone tries to talk them out of it (which ... why? Does anyone really want to live in the jungle with those two for any longer than they have to?). They appeal to the fact that their charities will both be missing out if they leave, and Spencer's all, "That's why we chose two of the biggest charities." You know, because big charities don't need donations.
Speidi walk off, and Sanjaya says he's not leaving. He's not going to quit and go home. In the confession booth, Spencer's on the phone with Ben Silverman, the chairman of NBC, who's wondering what exactly the problem is. Spencer says he's too rich and too famous to sit with these people and clean up their shit in the jungle. He says, "This cast is devaluing our fame right now. I'm sitting to VH1 comedians that I've never seen before," and wrestlers. He thought it would be celebrities, and other stars of little-known reality shows. He tells Ben Silverman that he's never even cleaned up his own shit let alone cleaned up after John Salley in the jungle.
After more commercials, Damien and Myleene welcome us back. Damien says they're roughing it in the hot jungles of Costa Rica. Myleene reminds him they have a hotel and stuff, but Speidi is still out there struggling to "survive." John wonders if anyone has watched The Hills and Sanjaya sums it up pretty accurately: It's about Spencer and the ladies living in Beverly Hills, being rich. Lou is surprised Spencer and Heidi even made it to the airport. John's sticking up for Spencer, because he has more fans than anyone else here, apparently. Torrie thinks it's just two more people they don't have to beat. In the confessional, Speidi decide to stay. Lou thinks it's a mind game, but he doesn't think it will help them win. He will take everything they say with a grain of salt now, though. Frangela say that, just like a 3-year-old throwing a tantrum, Speidi should be ignored. Sanjaya stays up all night the first night because his job is to tend to the fire. Speidi stays up, too, to stare at and talk about the fire. The three of them do a fire dance, which is as stupid and weird as it sounds. Heidi's having fun now, because she likes it best when everyone's sleeping. They are going to sleep in the hammock together, because she can't sleep without her husband and her love. They fall out of the hammock. Omen?
morning, Patti wonders if everyone slept at all. John says he slept a lot. Frangela has washed dishes and clothes this morning already. Everyone's trying to work together as teams, but Speidi's still sleeping in the hammock. Stephen poses to them as John snaps photos. Speidi apparently wake up and disappear. Everyone wonders where they are, and then they hear Spencer screaming, because apparently they are trying to leave again and the producers or someone won't let them. Everyone decides they should ignore them this time, since it's possibly for attention. They take Speidi's hammock and then divvy up all their other stuff: hairspray, clothes, hat. Myleene and Damien recap for us. But since I already did that, I will ignore them.
After commercials and more Myleene and Damien (spotting a crocodile), we're back in camp. Torrie's showing off her new hair product. She sprays it all over herself, but then Speidi comes back again. Sanjaya tells them he confiscated their bed since they were gone too long. Spencer announces: "We're having Sanjaya for dinner; I'm going to cook him." Everyone says they took their stuff since they thought they were gone. Spencer hits the shampoo out of Angela's hand, and it's a full-on war. Spencer doesn't want anyone disrespecting his wife like that. Heidi cries about how everyone took all the labels off her dry shampoo. See why she deserves your respect, Frangela? Spencer says he made the label they removed, and it took him all day. Angela keeps saying Spencer hit her hand, and he says he hit the water bottle. Janice takes Spencer's side. Heidi explains that if someone does something to her, Spencer's going to get twice as mad to protect her. He's such a good husband. This is seriously high drama for being about some labels on dry shampoo. Spencer starts hooting and hollering, and Heidi explains he's a new Christian so is working on his temper. Stephen's heard of jungle fever, but didn't expect this. Spencer grabs Frangela's stuff, and Heidi actually tries to stop him. Angela asks Spencer to calm him down, but he says he can't. He sprays hairspray on himself and Stephen, though, and it does seem to help some.
Frangela says they can't get mad at Speidi, because they're like children. Then Spencer accuses Torrie of taking steroids, and she says she doesn't; she just works out. He says he's never done that; he's too busy making money. She says she makes money too, but Spencer doesn't believe it, since he had to Google her to find out who she was. Then he mocks her for using the hairspray, and she says she was joking. He says he doesn't joke. He walks to his hammock and tells Heidi he hates Torrie so much. Spencer says he went into this game with a plan to make people not know what to think of him and Heidi, and now Janice is the only one he respects, so she's his only pseudo-alliance, but it's ultimately about winning. Spencer and Heidi talk. He says it's his first time on TV not faking. Damien and Myleene talk more trash about Speidi. Myleene says at least the celebrities only have to put up with Spencer for three weeks, but Heidi's stuck with him for life. Well, at least there's always the option of divorce.
Damien and Myleene welcome us back once again, and remind us what we're watching. Then we're back in the jungle, and the hosts show up there to totally confuse us all, because they're in different clothes. Damien tells the teams that the red and yellow now mean nothing. Instead, it's now men versus women. They'll be competing for everything: food, luxuries, and immunity from the public vote. Heidi and Spencer, in the confessional, say it's really just the Pratts versus everyone else. Girls now have pink shirts and headbands, and boys have blue. Frangela thinks boys versus girls isn't fair, because the boys have lots of people who are good, and also Spencer, who's really good at yelling.
Torrie's swimming, while Spencer calls her a bitch and says she's going down. Heidi can't believe how rude someone would be to vandalize her hair product. They make fun of Torrie for being a wrestler. Spencer tells us that he warned everyone coming in that they do not want a beef with him, because he enjoys revenge. He gets up and grabs Torrie's stuff while she's swimming. Everyone -- even Heidi -- tells him not to do it, but he takes off with her pack and walks on a log bridge over the river. There's a lot of suspense and drama: Will he drop her pack in the river or won't he? He doesn't throw it in the river, but he does hide it. Heidi's very proud of him. Surprisingly, Torrie can't find her bag when she gets back. Everyone acts ignorant about the backpack scenario, even though it seemed like everyone was there when he was taking off with it. Torrie thinks Spencer sees her as a threat.
Spencer apologizes to everyone: to Angela for slapping her hand, and to Torrie for hiding her backpack. Heidi's very proud of him, because he never apologizes. [Except for when he does. -- Angel] He says it's his first real apology, and he feels refreshed. He interviews that he's always planning his move and is totally aware of what he's doing. He's just faking them out, and still hates them all. He says this is a game, and these people are all crazy, helping each other and shit. He sees them as his servants. He does this mocking: "Oh, thank you for my food. ... Here you go, clean it!" All these other people are crazy? Okay, I'll give him that, but Spencer might want to take a good long look at himself. Because? That boy is total crazypants.
Stephen asks Spencer if the bottom of his backpack is wet, and Spencer proves me absolutely correct by getting all animated: "I guess you don't know me well enough yet. I don't care that my ruck is wet. You gotta realize: I'm a black belt in Brazilian jujitsu. ... I fear no man." Stephen laughs, "Awwww, Spencer. Please don't leave, Spencer." Spencer says he's not, because he's worked some things out. Spencer says his plan was to leave the first day, but that didn't work out. John explains that fame and success are bad for people, and Spencer's proof of that. Spencer tells us that he's here to win. He says he's already the king of America, so he might as well be the king of the Costa Rican jungle. Is it wrong that I would not like this show nearly as much without his crazy ass? Not that I like it a lot, but still...
Commercials, hosts, jungle camp. Spencer tries to call the rowdy campsters to attention. It's time for the first food trial. They're instructed to fill their canteens and head to the trail. Frangela's scared. Speidi kiss. At the trail, Myleene and Damien are waiting. They greet everyone warmly, and then the teams sit down, boys on one side, girls on the other. Heidi says the blue team is going down. Hosts explain that one team will get chicken and fruit, and the other team will get rice and beans. The competition: One member from each team has to come up and eat; the first team to finish their dish wins the round. They can pass, but that's a forfeit. First team to five points wins. Since there are six ladies, Janice sits out because she has bronchitis. John and Heidi are the first competitors. Remember, John's a vegan. The first dish is a rat's tail. Heidi puts hers in her mouth first, but chews. John just swallows his and wins. [Apparently he's not vegan during challenges? I expected more drama about it. -- AC] Angela and Sanjaya get a cow intestine milkshake. Sanjaya wins, making it 2-0. Frances and Spencer are up , and they have to eat a stick insect. Frances starts screaming like a crazy woman, which takes us to commercial.
The hosts remind us what's going on: Food challenge. Spencer and Frances once again see the stick insect. Spencer shoves the insect and all of the leaves in his mouth and chews, but Frances shoves just the insect in and finishes more quickly. Spencer explains that he would have been fine and probably would have won, but "I also ate all of the garnishes." Patti and Lou are supposed to eat a tarantula; it's dead, but still disgusting. This is the round you pass. Patti explains the flavor as "musty" and "yeasty." Even the hosts look disgusted. Lou says it was fuzzy and dry, and "all encompassing richness" of flavor. Not in a good way, though, I think, since he's gagging. He wins, though, bringing it to 3-1. Torrie and Stephen have to eat tripe, which is cow intestine. Um, that's a piece of cake compared to freaking tarantula. Torrie says she was picturing something else while she ate it. Stephen says that every time he bit it, it squirted a fart of disgustingness. He'd rather starve than eat that. Torrie won, so it's 3-2. John and Heidi are back up again, and they have to eat fried scorpion. Much smaller than the fried scorpion that recently disgusted me on The Amazing Race. They both try hard. Heidi says it stung and tasted gross -- much worse than the rat's tail. John wins again, making it 4-2. Spencer tells Heidi they won't be kissing for a couple days, but she says that's not true. up: Sanjaya and Angela have to eat an iguana's tail. Sanjaya swallows it whole, and wins in about a half-second. The guys win food. Stephen says that Sanjaya inhaled the iguana's tale "like some kind of a circus walrus." Which means nothing.
They head back to camp, and the guys seem sad, even though they won. Apparently the challenge made them all depressed. Lou says the trial brought everyone together. Sanjaya says he wanted to win because of how good that pineapple looked to him. Then he says the intestine shake was actually better than his mom's shakes. He's all, "I love you, Mom, but not your shakes." Hosts tell us how to donate to the celebrity charities, in case we have nothing else to do with our money. Then we get more commercials.
More of our hosts, who say it's still Day One, which is annoying me since they already slept one night. Are we not counting the day they walked in or something? I guess not. Back in the jungle, Spencer wants to talk to Patti about the elephant in the room. Or, you know, not in the room so much as in the jungle. He asks her why her husband's facing jail time. Apparently Spencer is not familiar with newspapers or the Internet. She says she can't really talk about it, but Spencer says she can talk about accusations, and that people make accusations about him all the time. Janice chimes in, "All the day! All the day!" Which is apparently her insane way of agreeing. Spencer says that none of them are true. But I would like to point out that my earlier accusation that he's an asshat is completely true. As is my accusation that he is crazypants. Patti talks about how her husband was such a good governor, voted by the people. She talks about all the good things he did, providing health care and preschool for people. And he was fighting special interests, so he made "huge enemies." She says the enemies didn't like that he tried to go around them. Spencer tells Patti that when he met her husband, he was like, "This is who I would have voted for President of the United States of America." Patti totally appreciates that. Janice interviews that the truth will come out, so she believes Patti and hopes Rod knows what a good wife he has.
Patti says that Rod couldn't bring any evidence to his impeachment trial, and then the nonprofit that Patti worked for fired her because they didn't like the bad publicity, so they both lost their jobs. Janice says she knows it was hard for Patti to talk about that, but she would like to thank her for setting the record straight. Let's just hope they use this show as evidence at trial, right? Because Janice and Spencer's support would mean so much to a judge and jury. Spencer looks at Patti's children as the Heidi and Spencer of politics. Whatever that means. Spencer says the truth always wins; it's the most powerful thing in the world. Speidi call Patti over to pray, and Patti cries while Heidi prays. Everyone tells Patti how much they like her. Patti says she cried during the prayer because hearing your own hopes out loud is touching. Hosts recap and tell us it's dinnertime.
Sanjaya is so excited to see the food coming that he's literally jumping up and down. They get a basket with chicken, vegetables, and fruit, with a note that says the food is only for the winning team. The ladies get leftover rice and beans from this morning. Patti says she'd take those over a tarantula any day. They end up breaking the rules and letting the ladies eat the pineapple. Sanjaya says they're a sucker for a pretty face. [Which would be where in this crowd exactly? -- AC] Heidi's glad everyone is nice, and it's not a bunch of Spencers. Speaking of Spencer, he throws his pineapple rind into the fire, and Janice freaks out. It's a battle of crazy vs. crazy as Janice tells him throwing that in the fire will make the rats come. Spencer: "In a burning fire?" Janice: "I'm telling you. Trust me: One bit my finger." [That must have been during her stint on the UK version. One has to wonder why you'd be such a glutton for punishment and do this show twice. -- AC] John explains that Janice was adamant about not putting food in the fire, or rats will come in. They end up sharing all their food with the ladies. Sanjaya thinks they might get reprimanded, but he hopes they aren't. More commercials.
We're back with Damien and Myleene, who tell us again what we're watching, what has happened, and what's to come. Torrie has a scroll to read. It tells them to select one person from each team to represent them in a leadership trial. Leadership has its privileges. John immediately nominates Lou, and Spencer seconds it. Lou says he will henceforth be known as Blue Diamond Phillips, and then keeps me from making fun of him by doing it himself, all, "I can hear the groaning from here." The ladies select Janice, who says, "I will lead you. To the best of my abilities." They know she will. She says she will fight for them. It's all insanity and platitudes with this woman. She thinks she was chosen because she loves the outdoors. John would put his money on Lou. Torrie thinks Lou is awesome, but that he doesn't stand a chance against Janice. Lou says that if Janice is leader, it will be an interesting republic. Janice says she was chosen by the people: "It was una... It was ana... It was unananimous. Unanimous. It was unanimous win for Janice." Damien and Myleene make fun of Janice's pronunciation for a second, and then we're back at camp.
Stephen reads about the trial, which will decide which one will become camp leader. Spencer snarks, "Last title I'd ever want," and laughs his evil laugh of supervillainy. Janice and Lou must sit on a chair with their arms raised and chained to buckets containing jungle slime. The first celebrity to drop their arms is doused with slime, and the other is the leader. Lou explains that the trial is a matter of focus, not strength. Janice saw the chairs and got excited because she thought they were dominatrix chairs. Lou thinks Janice has the advantage because his arms are bigger and harder to hold up. Janice wonders if she defers to Lou's leadership will he give her some points or something. He says she knows it, and she drops her slime bucket. Lou drops his bucket right after, but has already won. Lou finds out what it means to be leader for a week: privileges and responsibilities. He doesn't have to participate in food challenges, because he gets to eat no matter which team wins. He also can choose a celebrity to do a task for him: wash his clothes, deliver breakfast in bed, daily foot massage. When he says foot massage, Sanjaya immediately says, "I'll do that!" And Lou's all, "Done." Stephen isn't sure how he feels about that decision, which he finds creepy. Lou's responsibilities are to allocate celebrities to do various chores: dishes (Frangela), wood collecting (Lou and Stephen), latrine (Stephen). Heidi and Spencer are sleeping the whole time, so they don't volunteer to help out. Everyone else has lots of tasks to do, though.
Myleene is alone after commercial. Then we're back in the jungle. Torrie's reading again: At the end of this week, America will decide that one of them is going home. Tonight they will have to face their fears and save themselves and their team from the public vote. John says his fear is spiders, but he'll do whatever it takes to win. Torrie is loving the fact that she could save herself for another week. Frangela's freaked. Damien's in the jungle, where the immunity trial will take place. It's called "the trauma tank," so you know it will be fun. The celebrities are making their way from camp. Heidi's applying hairspray as they walk in. Stephen was bitten by a bullet ant about three minutes ago, and it's called that because it feels like you've been shot. Stephen says it's the second one in two hours and isn't that fun. Damien asks Patti if she's glad she's here. She says it's an adventure. Damien asks John about his fear of spiders, and John says if Spencer can stay in the jungle, John can do anything. Damien asks Janice if she's looking forward to the trauma tank. She's not, but she'll try. Damien asks Lou if there's any extra pressure for him as camp leader, and he says no. He's pretty chill about it. Damien says whoever can stay in the trauma tank the longest wins immunity for themselves and their team in the public vote. Oh, and the celebrities won't be alone in the tank, but at least John's already overcome his fear. Commercials.
Damien welcomes us back to the trauma tank challenge, where they're all strapped in. They have windbreaker-type jackets on, including tight hoods, and goggles. Spencer and Heidi are sitting this one out, according to Damien, though no one tells us why -- apparently just because they're lazy jerks. She's still applying hairspray, though. She cheers for her team. Cockroaches are the first friends in the trauma tank, and Frangela is out immediately. out is Janice. Then John. It looks like millipedes are in the tank now, and some stick insects. And then tarantulas. Torrie, Patti, Stephen, Sanjaya, and Lou are still holding strong. Patti seems to be shaky, but everyone else looks like they're pretty solid. There's a tarantula on Stephen's shoulder and it looks like there's one crawling around on Patti's face. Ack. We'll find out who wins tomorrow night, when we will also get our first chance to vote someone out of the jungle. Who will "survive"? And do we care?
Is this show really a Gilligan's Island remake?
DeAnn is a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.