We return to the hornet's nest known as Casa des Crabs just after last week's tumultuous and slightly threatening elimination ceremony. Pumkin has just "voided" Chance's check and sent him home, and his Stallionaire cohorts are in some serious need of VH1-sponsored anger management classes. You know in the Bad Girls Club when Tanisha and the trash-faced hobag whose name I forget got in a fight, and they were required to get on-air counseling? That's what the Stallionaires need, tout de suite. Don't laugh, everyone watches Bad Girls Club, they're just not man enough to admit it.
Between all his cursing and fist-pounding, Real says that Pumkin has made an enemy for life, which should make for an interesting reunion show. Whiteboy is still sitting in his seat, head in hands, stunned. Real curses some more, threatens Pumkin some more, and stomps around like a 12-year-old girl whose mom didn't get her a Hello Kitty pencil set at the mall. Despite all of their ominousness, Pumkin is right proud of herself, as well she should be. Someone had to kick one of those bullies off the show and I'm glad it was her. The Entertainer feels the same way and tells her so. He also invites Pumkin and Toastee to come sleep in his bedroom. Being the consummate gentleman, he doesn't ask them to spray themselves off with Nid-X or anything. Pumkin tells the camera that The Entertainer is annoying, but she would rather put up with an ADD psycho than be killed in her sleep. I think we can all agree on that, Pumkin. Oh yeah, Hoopz is pissed. But since she has no point on this show so far, does anyone care? I didn't think so.
After moving into The Entertainer's suite, Pumkin and Toastee go talk to the rest of the Double Secret Double D Alliance. They are all very proud of themselves for getting Chance eliminated. They are also all a bit scared and want to keep their alliance a secret (double secret!) and hope no one figures it out. Pumkin suggests that they aim for Hoopz , and I have to agree. Meanwhile, Rodeo throws down the gauntlet and moves into the Green Team's room despite being on the Gold Team. She claims it's for protection, in case the Gold Team puts her on the chopping block, but I think it's because she's girl crushing on Hoopz. How many of you would pay to see that action, eh? What, none of you?
It's Challenge Time! But before we can have some Challenge fun, we have to elect new team captains. The Gold Team quickly chooses Heather, who tells us that she is glad that the Stallionaire alliance is finally outnumbered on their team. The camera turns to Rodeo and Hoopz who are looking nervous. The Green Team takes longer to select a captain despite the fact that Megan is only one on the team who has not been captain yet. In typical bro style, Real thinks they need a man's touch on this challenge. Well, Real, when they need a pimp's touch, we'll be sure they call you. Megan pleads and promises that she will do whatever they want. Wisely they don't believe her. She pinkie swears. They still don't believe her. Then Real goes to get his Bible -- a Bible I can only assume the Gideons left, and not one Real brought with him to La Casa. I assume this because, if not, I would be bald from all the head-scratching. I mean, unless he was bringing the crab dip and a bottle of Patron, who would bring Jesus to this house party? Awkward! So Megan (and her little dog) swears on the Bible and she is named El Capitan. Rodeo moans to the Green Team that she and Hoopz are going to get sent into The Box. Considering the fact that she is an annoying, transsexual turncoat, she seems surprised by this possibility. She then corners Megan to tell her that she and Hoopz are going to throw the challenge and they will be put in The Box. She wants her to protect her. Megan, her boobies, and her little dog giggle. Let the Games begin!
This week's Challenge is called "Road Trip Drag." There are two wagons, a.k.a. "tour buses," with two riders and two pullers. The wagons have to be pulled around the town square, where they must make four pit stops representing four different cities/countries where the various Love shows landed. At each city or country, the teams have to take a world tour of international cuisine. They must eat every morsel of said cuisine before they can move on to the city or country. Since the Gold Team has more members than the Green Team, team captain Heather has to choose who from her team will be sitting out the competition. Since Rodeo has to compete because she sat out last week's challenge, Heather makes sure that Hoopz is nowhere near the challenge. Hoopz points out that throwing the competition is now entirely up to Rodeo. Rodeo then points out that if you put anything in her mouth, she'll eat it. The Entertainer spittakes, "Really?" Um, The Entertainer? You want her to eatit? Whatever floats your boat, bro. I don't know if Rodeo's antics have simply been edited out of episodes, but she is really obnoxious. I hope all this attention on Rodeo is merely her swan song and not some editor's sick idea of a good time.
With all the hoopla about "eating every morsel" of the "international cuisine," I was fully expecting Fear Factor-style snacks of testicle tapas or something. The challenge starts with Los Angeles sushi. Not nads sushi, but regular old tuna rolls. Where's the Challenge? Most people pay for this. In a pathetic attempt at making this look hard, The Entertainer explains how much he hates it when his mom serves sushi for dinner. He is not happy about eating it, but he is willing to take one for the team and eat a roll. But he does it so slowly that the Green Team gets a huge head start and hits Las Vegas well before the Gold Team. In Las Vegas, they must eat a buffet-style smorgasbord of goodness: steak, mashed potatoes, macaroni salad and shrimp. They start pigging out while the Gold Team flounders some more due to Rodeo's attempts to throw the challenge. The Green Team heads to "Jamaica," while Rodeo chews each bite fifty times like her mama taught her.
Megan and her boobs eat jerk chicken. Rodeo is fake barfing while 12 Pack and The Entertainer scarf. Everyone is talking about how they have eaten so much, how hot it is, and how they feel ill and don't think they'll be able to make it, and basically making the challenge sound way harder than it actually is. Aside from the running, it looks like an average Friday night at King's Buffet to me. Also, it would probably help if they didn't chug a liter of water between each bite. As the Green Team hits Paris, the last stop on their tour de cuisine, Real tells us that the crepes are the most disgusting thing he has ever seen, since they look like they have poopoo on them. He eats it anyway. Brandi is having a hard time getting the crepe down and it looks like the Gold Team might be able to catch up. Just as Escoffier envisioned it, Brandi eats her crepe, pukes, drinks some water, eats some crepe, pukes again and eats some more crepes. Charmante! Meanwhile Rodeo is only on chew number 29 of her first bite of crepe, despite the encouragement of her teammates to choke on it if she has to, but eat! Eat! For the love of money, eat! She chews more slowly as the Green Team crosses the finish line. Real feels that this is the biggest comeback in American history. John McCain, the Red Sox and Ford totally agree with you, Real.
Rodeo confesses to the camera that she thinks she may be in trouble with her team for throwing the challenge. Big duh, meet Rodeo. Hoopz aggravates her team by standing on the sideline cheering the Green Team. What's the Green Team doing? They're puking all over the zocalo while the townspeople watch in horror. I really hope this little town made a whole heap of pesos off of VH1 for dragging all this trash into their town square. Speaking of trash, Hoopz and Heather get into a screaming match about Hoopz's allegiance. The Entertainer jumps in and, er, entertains the townsfolk by screaming at Hoopz while Real holds her back. And we wonder why people hate Americans. Classy! Craig announces that the Green Team won and the Gold Team lost. Excellent hosting skills, Craig! Totally earning that paycheck. As the Green Team rolls back to the Casa, Whiteboy sits with his arm resting on Megan's scantily clad leg as they discuss who is going to get sent home. When she tells him that Rodeo wanted to make sure she was safe, and she replied that she would do whatever Whiteboy said, he offered to stick his throw-up tongue down her throat as if it was some sort of reward. Whiteboy then tells us that Megan has feelings for him, and he's planning on using that. Since when, Whiteboy? Hoopz points out that only time will tell if Whiteboy really has control over Megan. Why do I find myself rooting for Megan right now? I need a drink. Or to slam my head in a car door for a while.
Heather realizes that this loss is a golden opportunity to get rid of one of the traitors on her team. Rodeo realizes this, too, and goes around sucking up to anyone who will grant her an audience. She corners Brandi and Megan in the bathroom, but they stick to the "whatever Whiteboy wants" party line. Since it's 12 Pack's birthday, in a fit of desperation, Rodeo pops open a package of pre-made cookie dough to bake some birthday chocolate chip cookies for him. I guess she's willing to do whatever it takes to stay, except make the cookies from scratch.
Craig dons a HazMat suit and a respirator and enters the Casa to announce that the Gold Team has to get into The Vault. First thing, Heather calls for a vote on Rodeo. Everyone except Hoopz raises their hands. As Heather heads for the check, Rodeo gets all schoolmarm-y (or Mr. Boston-y) and wags her finger in her face, telling her not to touch her check because there isn't a consensus. Rodeo is shocked that Toastee and Pumkin are voting for her despite the fact that she talked to them. Heather gives her the big whatever and they re-vote with Craig present to confirm the clear majority. As Craig puts her check in The Box, Rodeo rounds on 12 Pack and, a la the Soup Nazi, yells "No cake for you!" 12 Pack is unfazed. Hoopz quickly joins Rodeo in The Box, and Toastee volunteers her check as well. She is confident she is safe. As Megan prepares for her Power Suckup. Rodeo prepares for a trip to the county lockup for attempted assault on a birthday cake. She storms up to 12 Pack and slams his birthday cake down on the counter and screams about The Entertainer and betrayal. Megan is scared of her and the editors helpfully color Rodeo green and make her into a screaming Hulk of purported woman. 12 Pack remains unfazed. As the foursome heads to their Power Outing, Brandi, 12 Pack and Whiteboy eat Rodeo's mangled cake. Which is actually a cookie.
Okay, I know I mentioned this last week, but I must ask again: does Megan own clothing? All the other girls are wearing their swimsuits underneath shorts and shirts, but Megan is wearing a bikini and high heels and carrying a margarita like some castoff from a Jacqueline Susann novel, or Rock of Love. I sort of understand if she is trying to sway the male vote, but today she is Paymaster and the outing is all women. So I ask, seriously, does she own clothing? They pull up to the site of the Power Outing and Megan, her boobs, and her little dog toddle out of the van, but instead of seeing the typical cocktail-and-cabana set-up, all that's there is a rubber raft and a guide. She is bummed. They girls life-jacket up and float down the river while Megan makes Rodeo and her desperation do retarded things in pathetic attempts to convince Megan to let her stay. When they finally float to their lunch destination, Rodeo continues her blatant sucking up. She pours Megan and her little dog a vodka and Red Bull. She hugs Megan. She apologizes to Megan. She is horrifying in her penance.
Megan is a conundrum, wrapped in a question mark, inside a lot of silicone. I can never decide whether she is as dumb as rocks or if there is secretly a genius with a wicked sense of humor hiding behind her stupid face. Whichever it may be, her stupidity was genius today when she decided to forgo making the elimination decision herself and instead passed it off to her pink-clad Chihuahua, Lily. Each of the girls must take Lily and convince her why they should stay. Even Hoopz had to do it. Hee! In turn, Hoopz, Rodeo, and Toastee pick up Lily, cradle her in their arms, and beg her to let them stay on the show. Megan is either wildly brain damaged or really freaking hilarious. I kind of want to shove my throw-up tongue down her throat right now, if you know what I mean. Rodeo holds Lily close and cries about how she cashed out her 401(k) for her clothing line and her barbecue sauce production. Lily actually knows a lot about retirement investment portfolios and small business capital needs, so don't laugh. With a little help from the crack VH1 graphics team, Lily points out, "That bitch is crazy!" Megan sends Hoopz and Toastee off so she can spend a little one-on-one time with Crazycakes Rodeo. While Rodeo cries and looks penitent and apologizes more, Megan scoffs and tells us that Rodeo never talked to her before today and actually talked a lot of smack about her. She isn't buying her contrition at all. Sure, but will she buy some barbecue sauce?
Back at the Casa, Whiteboy and Real decide that they have to protect Hoopz. Whiteboy goes to Megan and tells her that she has to get rid of Toastee. Megan and her boobs try to convince him that Toastee is on their side, but Whiteboy isn't buying it. As Whiteboy leaves, Brandi tells Megan that they have to get rid of Hoopz now or she will never leave. Megan doesn't want to because she knows that getting rid of Hoopz will infuriate the remaining Stallionaires. Brandi and the rest of the Double Secret Double D Alliance want her to man up and get rid of Hoopz. Megan doesn't know what to do. Or does she?
It's elimination time! Toastee is wearing leopard-print lingerie, Rodeo is dolled up in a black cowboy hat and matching black whorehouse fringe mini dress, and Hoopz is resplendent in yellow lycra. Megan is wearing a bikini. Obviously. Oh, and Lily? She's wearing black and white with a pink flower and purple headdress. Craig asks Megan to name the first person she is keeping. Megan calls up Toastee while simultaneously calling her out. She says that she is worthless and not a threat and that there is no point in her being there. The two teams giggle. Megan claims she had to do it so that no one would know about their secret alliance. Toastee thinks it was a bit much. Oh man, Brandi C. looks like Jon Benet in a turquoise dress and a tiara. Hitting the tequila and Vicodin again, dear? As we cut to commercial, Pumkin reminds the viewing audience that she risked her life to send Chance home last week and Megan had better contribute to the cause and get rid of Hoopz.
As we return from commercial break, Hoopz and Rodeo are in limbo. Craig asks Megan to get a move on already. Megan calls Rodeo up. She tells Rodeo that she used to be scared of her, but after all the old lady tears and begging and leathery skin touching her and stuff, she's not scared of her any more. But, with all her sidewinding, backstabbing, and trash talking, she's not keeping her around either. Rodeo's check is voided. Hoopz thinks Rodeo's two-timing and double-talking bit her in the butt. Brandi C. thinks the fact that Hoopz is still around will bite them in the butt. But Megan is content to not have anyone too mad at her or actively out to get her. As Rodeo cries to the camera, she hopes that her time on this show will inspire people and remind them not to give up on anything (like sunblock or moisturizer or government-backed retirement plans). She loves her fan(s). After collecting her check, Hoopz goes and stands between the Green Team and the Gold Team. Craig asks her why she's standing there and Hoopz sulkily explains that she doesn't have a team. Craig says that's interesting, because from here on, no one will have a team. All challenges will be individual and everyone is on their own. Whiteboy is thrilled to be on his own and show off his mad skills at the fifty-yard dash. Real knows that only the strong will survive. Brandi C. is aware that she is lame. As Heather said, "Game on, bitches!"
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