Assuming you haven't lost all your brain cells from watching this show, you'll remember that the teams were dissolved last week and everyone is on their own. We now return to the Crabs Shack the day after Paymaster Megan ousted Rodeo in a clumsy attempt at making everyone (save Rodeo) happy. 12 Pack and his matching shirt and tattoo remind us of the aforementioned facts. He and Heather and Heather's boobs discuss strategy moving forward, now that it's every man for himself. Heather testifies that she is not worried because she, The Entertainer and 12 Pack are strong contenders, and they should be fine. I think she said, "Game on, Bitches!" again, but I might just be having flashbacks. Brandi, Megan, Toastee and Pumkin and their Double Secret Double D alliance also take a moment to discuss strategy. They are convinced they are going to win it all, because they are a secret. Which doesn't really make sense, but what on this show does? Megan then confesses that although she is in an alliance with the girls, she would like to be in an alliance with Hoopz, Whiteboy, and Real. So much for the Double Secret Double Ds! That crazy Megan, what will she get up to ?
I have a game for us all to play! Since today is the Moneygrubbers' first individual challenge, at some point or another during this show every single character must mention this and then break into "All by Myself." Instead of me telling you every single time this happens, just insert it into the action as you read along at home. Say about every five minutes or so? That should do nicely. Have fun! Craig calls and announces the fact that this is the first individual challenge. They load their trashy asses into the minivans and head to the site of the challenge. The beach is filled with dummies (er... make that more dummies) with the name of one of the Moneygrubbers on a sign in front of each of the mannequins. Wow, I had no idea I knew how to spell that. Here's to drinking and spelling! (If you're not drunk, you have no excuse for watching this show. Well, maybe if you're hungover. Maybe.) Craig explains that this game is called "The Backstabber," in honor of all the real, fabricated and edited-in backstabbing that goes on in these shows. We are then treated to some clips of so-called backstabbing including, Mr. Boston screaming, Destiney getting sent home, Megan lying to Heather about 12 Pack, and other good times. I love show and tell!
Craig goes on to say that since there are no teams, the winner of each Challenge will be the Paymaster and will be the only person safe from elimination. Today's challenge is to stab the dummies (the fake dummies that is) in the back with a knife that looks more like an axe. The first dummy with three knives is automatically put into The Box of Elimination. Whoever is left standing at the end is the winner and Paymaster. Pumkin explains the strategy to Megan: throw the knives into the backs of the players they want eliminated. Megan looks confused, because she does not want anyone knowing she is two-timing on her alliances. And because she is mildly retarded. The Entertainer is up first and he throws the knife straight at Hoopz (fake Hoopz). Real is and he goes straight for The Entertainer. Hoopz is and she goes for The Entertainer, but misses. Brandi, true to her alliance, aims and hits Whiteboy. Heather also aims for Whiteboy, but her knife hits the sand. Then it is Megan's turn. Despite her promises to the Double Ds, she waltzes up to The Entertainer and knifes him in the back. In her confessional, Pumkin calls her a dumb bitch for watching her own back over the alliance's collective one. 12 Pack hits Whiteboy fair and square and then it is Pumkin's turn. One more knife in Whiteboy's back and he is fair game for elimination. We cut to commercial before we know whether or not Pumkin will take Whiteboy down. Try not to die in anticipation. Yawn.
Pumkin does it! Hope you didn't fall off your chair in shock. Man this show is dramatic! I hope the Emmy judges are paying attention. Look out The Wire, I Love Money is totally going to give you a run for your money. 12 Pack tells us that he's going to do everything in his power to make sure Whiteboy gets sent home. Whiteboy puts on a sulk as Craig sends him to wait on the sidelines 'til the other kids finish playing. Toastee tries to hit Hoopz but misses, shrugs and heads to the back of the line. Megan's turn again, for some reason. Much to the horror of her fellow Double Ds, she heads for and hits Heather in the back. The fact that she didn't send Hoopz home and now she's doing this has Brandi C. stumped about Megan's allegiance. Which is pretty sad for Brandi C. and her career prospects. More tossing, more stabbing and Real finally gets The Entertainer out. In Round Seven or Nineteen or something, Real knocks Pumkin out. His brother is revenged! By a fake knife in a fake back. Inigo Montoya, Real is not. Heather is out, too. Toastee keeps tossing knives at Hoopz and then finally gets her chucked out. In Round 42, 12 Pack and Brandi chuck knives at each other until 12 Pack finally gets Brandi knocked out.
As we enter the final round, the only skanktestants (like that? I do.) left are Real, 12 Pack and Toastee. Real throws a dagger into 12 Pack's back and instead of getting instantly kicked to the curb, 12 Pack gets a chance to hit Real in the back. If he succeeds then they are both out and Toastee becomes Paymaster. In a super slo-mo action shot, 12 Pack knifes Real in the back and Toastee wins! Everyone cheers because everyone thinks they are in an alliance with her. No one else seems to notice the mysterious cross-alliance cheering. 12 Pack is excited because he and Toastee are definitely in an alliance, and he thinks she's going to seize the chance to send Whiteboy home. At that, 12 Pack's tattoo and shirt exchange a glance, which just might mean that this is the end of 12 Pack. But could just mean even they were bored by that never-ending challenge.
The Challenge ends about ten minutes into the hour-long episode. Which means the fifty minutes will be spent watching various skanktestants attempt to be wily. If they're going to make us watch fifty minutes of sneaking, wheeling and dealing, the least they can do is hire the writers from C-Span. They have awesome writers! As the ex-teams pack up and head out in the exact same formation as if they were still on teams, Whiteboy tells Megan that she really proved her worth. She never turned on him or anything. Megan then confesses to the camera that she likes Whiteboy and thinks he is cute. Which just goes to show that this show is scripted, because according to a discussion on our very own forum, Megan was dating the executive producer of this show during taping. Why would she risk her relationship with a meal ticket like that for a trashy, wannabe, camisole-wearing buckethead like Whiteboy? Whiteboy, Real, Hoopz and Megan's disembodied voice agree to make a new alliance. Back at the Casa Retarda, the Double Secret Double Ds (minus Paymaster Toastee) meet to discuss Megan's treachery and their new strategy. Brandi and Pumkin agree that Whiteboy must go. Which means Megan has to figure out a scheme to get someone other than Whiteboy kicked off while pretending to still be in an alliance with the girls. It's a real head-scratcher, which must be a nice change of pace for Megan from the body parts that usually itch.
12 Pack and Toastee share a smoke and a secret meeting. 12 Pack tries to convince her that with Whiteboy gone, she will be safer; Toastee adds that Megan will be a lot easier to handle. Not that you'd want to handle her without gloves, a gas mask and a 12-foot pole. Meanwhile, Megan explains the inner workings of her "secret" alliance to Hoopz. She tells Hoopz to tell Real that Pumkin and Toastee are making the decision together, and they're targeting whoever they think is targeting them. She then hands Hoopz a note to give to Whiteboy that reads: "Do you like this show? Check yes or no. P.S. Why do I have no clothes?" Megan then scrums with Whiteboy, Real and Hoopz to convince them to apologize to Pumkin and Toastee for being bullies. Real agrees to apologize. In order to do this, Real has to don his sunglasses. He tells Pumkin that he is sorry he lost his temper and it was just all the pressure (from his too-tight pimp hatband) getting to him. In Pumkin's favor, she doesn't buy this conveniently timed apology at all. At least in the confessional. During the course of the show she hugs the pimp. She then goes to his room to hug it out with Whiteboy and Hoopz. Whiteboy promises that he will gladly pay her Tuesday for a hamburger today, and if she gets him through this elimination he'll have her back in the one. Hoopz apologizes too and claims that although they were mad then, what's done is done. Toastee is on the agenda. Whiteboy reaches out to Toastee by promising to protect her and showing that Hoopz and Pumkin have reached detente. I didn't realize that Pumkin and Hoopz had an ongoing dispute. I thought Pumkin was mostly scared of Whiteboy and Real for threatening to kill her and whatnot. I would say I should watch this show more closely, but ten out of ten mental health professionals disagree.
Proving that Megan isn't the only mildly retarded skantestant, 12 Pack tells her to vote him into The Box. She is shocked at his retardedness, but since you should never argue with someone with that much hair gel, she agrees to do it. Besides, with this little gift comes her chance to save Whiteboy. She just needs to convince Toastee to send 12 Pack home instead. When Craig comes in to announce it is time, everyone but Toastee shuffles into the Vault. As the loser, Whiteboy is automatically entered into the Box, but everyone must vote on who is to join him. First in The Box is The Entertainer. Almost interestingly, almost everybody voted for him. He must be extremely annoying. Joining him in The Box is mental defect 12 Pack. 12 Pack sort of justifies his move by explaining that he wants to stay close to Toastee so that Whiteboy can't get to her during the Power Outing. Okay, so maybe he's only mostly retarded. Meanwhile, wacky Megan is up to her wacky hijinks again. She beds down with Brandi to try and convince her that 12 Pack is the stronger player and they should send him home instead of Whiteboy. Her ploy is so transparent, Brandi barely bothers to roll her eyes.
Off to the Power Suckup! Toastee is trying to not let the power go to her head. Whiteboy vows to stay and fight while 12 Pack, his shirt, and his matching tattoo idiotically state that they are merely filler so that Whiteboy will get sent home. When the foursome reaches their destination, they are told that they are receiving a spiritual cleansing. I can only assume it is a colonic where you are flushed with the Holy Spirit. The Entertainer is not amused, because he is Buddhist. Whiteboy is also skeptical of the proceedings, because he is soulless and thus dead behind the eyes. The skanktestants are introduced to Dona Cristina, the medicine woman at the retreat. Poor Dona Cristina. What God did she piss off to get roped into cleansing the spirits of these cock-eyed, suburban spit receptacles for the viewing pleasure of a bunch of drunks and people too hung over to change the channel? Maybe she considers it the Lord's work. The foursome sits down and Dona Cristina makes an incantation over them. Then she takes a swig of sacred squash juice and spits all over The Entertainer, 12 Pack, Toastee and Whiteboy. Raise your hand if you're jealous! The Entertainer is really not amused. Dona Cristina then grabs a giant turkey and waves it over the four newly cleansed souls. The Entertainer and Whiteboy take turns petting the turkey, which is not a euphemism.
Back at the Musty Ranch, Megan and her boobs and her little dog, too, make the rounds trying to convince everyone to vote for 12 Pack. During her incoherent ramblings, she inadvertently stumbles on a sane argument: that if they get rid of 12 Pack, then one alliance will still be intent on voting Whiteboy off, the other alliance will be intent on sending The Entertainer away, and the Double Ds will be safe. By Jove, she may be onto something. Brandi and Pumkin are uneasily convinced and prepare to tell Toastee their thought when she returns. The spiritual cleansing portion of the Power Outing is over and now it is time for the liver dirtying. Over drinks, The Entertainer, 12 Pack and Whiteboy yell at Toastee about what she should do while she shrinks further and further into her chair. When time out is called, Toastee asks 12 Pack to stay and talk. They solidify their alliance while Whiteboy sulks in the corner.
When the Power Outing returns to the house, Toastee cupcakes with Brandi, Pumkin and Megan, who fill her in on their plan. Toastee is not convinced, despite some strangely compelling arguments coming out of Megan's mouth. Maybe Megan was bodysnatched by someone smart. I have no other explanation. Toastee takes some time to think about what to do.
It's Elimination Time! What, so soon? And what are the kids wearing to be Eliminated these days? 12 Pack has stolen a suit from Morris Day. The Entertainer is wearing his Jersey best. And Whiteboy didn't bother dressing up at all. Craig introduces the dramatic elements for the evening: three of the strongest players are on the block, and deciding their fate is Toastee, who is not physically strong at all. Toastee scoffs at that. Actually, if I cared, I would scoff, too, because very few of the challenges require any sort of physical strength at all. But I don't actually care, so...meh. Craig asks Toastee who is going to be safe. She takes a moment and then hands The Entertainer his check after explaining that he is annoying, smokes too much and looks like a turkey. She thinks she can beat him. Toastee's makeup looks like it was done by a Kabuki beauty school dropout. It's really odd. Whiteboy and 12 Pack twinge in expectation while Craig talks about all the money at stake and the power that Toastee holds. Holy hockey, another commercial -- will this show never end? When we return, Craig repeats what he just said. Toastee announces that it isn't personal, just a game. Craig tells her to take her time. Toastee calls 12 Pack up. In the confessional, he tells us again that he felt confident in the Vault. He knows he has a strong alliance. Toastee tells him that even though he promised to have her back, he promises that to all the girls. In short, she doesn't trust him. She voids his check. How do the skanktestants feel about this Elimination? In short: Whiteboy, happy. Heather, not happy. Megan, happy. 12 Pack, not happy. Pumkin, happy. Me, happy. Show's over! Happy! Happy! Happy!
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