Marshall's still in Minnesota, where his mom needs him, and Lily's getting desperate. She's taken to dressing a body pillow and talking to it like it's him. (It might talk back, but she'll never admit it in front of all of us and Saget!Ted, too.) Eventually, she misses Marshall too much and heads to Minnesota, where Marshall's mom begs her to take him away. What she soon realizes is that it's not Marshall's mom who needs him, but the other way around. He's fooling himself into thinking his mom needs to be needed so he's having her wait on him hand and foot.
Ted, meanwhile, is learning the ropes of his new relationship with Zoey, which basically means thinking "baking cookies" means sex and then totally screwing it up by being presumptuous and bringing over an overnight bag. She sends him away. But it's Valentine's Day, so she comes back around and apologizes, admitting she did mean sex. She totally wants to have a Valentine's Day they'll never forget. Which sends him running off to be with Marshall and Lily in Minnesota, duh. Eventually, Lily leaves them both there to be pathetic fools together, which they do quite well with their videogames and Y chromosomes. Until they realize just how pathetic they're being and head back to New York, where Ted and Zoey finally have their Valentine's night date (she brings her overnight bag this time), and Marshall gets rid of Lily's crazy body pillows (but only after also getting rid of his father's ghost; sad!).
Barney's all about hooking up with a girl the day before Valentine's Day, when she's so desperate she'll do anything. His only rule? Get rid of her by midnight. He tries this while Robin's out with her other single-lady friends from work, but Robin's totally onto him when he keeps this hot girl, Nora, out past midnight. The day, when Robin's scheduled to play laser tag with Barney versus a bunch of Boy Scouts, she sends Nora instead. Which means Barney's on his first-ever Valentine's Day date. If you thought it would be Barney and Robin by the end of the episode, you weren't alone; that's where I thought this was going, too.
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Saget!Ted tells his kids that his first kiss with Zoey was amazing (ew!) and complicated. They finish their hallway kiss from last week, and he goes on and on about how complicated her divorce and everything else makes this. She basically tells him he's a mood-killer, so he says he just wants to do it right. Saget!Ted lies to his kids that his friends were supportive. Quick cut to MacLaren's, where Barney loudly scolds, "You're doing this all wrong, Ted!" And Lily thinks they're moving too slowly, too. Ted says he's trying, but she keeps putting on the brakes when he suggests a big, romantic date. Tonight, for instance, she wants him to come over and bake cookies. The gang (minus Marshall) fills Ted in that "bake cookies" means "bootie call." Duh.
Robin fills Ted in on the difference between guys and girls: Guys bootie call after 2 a.m. with a drunkenly slurred, "What ya doin'?" But a lady invents a respectable excuse. "It's called class, Ted." Lily tells Ted how it will work, but it's all about Marshall, because he's still stuck in Minnesota taking care of his mother. And now it's Valentine's Day, and Lily says it won't be the same without them watching Predator. Saget!Ted thinks his kids will care about this, and explains how in college Marshall and Lily were supposed to watch Sleepless in Seattle, but Marshall's brothers had taped over it with Predator. Back at MacLaren's, Barney takes Lily's loneliness as an opportunity to tell the gang about his favorite day, February 13, Desperation Day! Robin: "That's not a thing." Barney: "That's a thing." He says it dates back thousands of years, to St. Valentine (Ted in a Caesar suit) and his best friend, St. Desperatius (Barney, who hits on a 15-year-old Robin). Back at MacLaren's, Barney says that neediness reaches its climax ("What up?!") on Feb. 13, a magical night "when a 10 has the self-esteem of a 4, and the depraved enthusiasm of a 2." The only thing you can't do is stay with her past 11:59 p.m., because otherwise? You'd be on a Valentine's Day date. Robin tells Barney that she's a single woman who doesn't care at all about Valentine's Day, so Barney can stick it. He thinks she's lying, and the friends she'll be with are trolls. "Ba ba ba" opening.
Later, at Ted and Robin's, Lily says she's decided to go to Minnesota to be with Marshall for Valentine's Day, because he shouldn't have to be alone taking care of his mom without her. Barney wonders if she's losing her mind in her apartment, and she admits she's getting weird. Cut to her snuggling with a body pillow wearing a Vikings jersey. She says first she just put his jersey on a pillow, then things spiraled. She's serving the pillow, dressed in a suit, dinner, and apologizes for yelling before. She tells the gang she calls him "Marshpillow" and he calls her "well, nothing, beause he's a pillow." But I am curious what she was going to say. Ted comes in , and the gang wonders how "baking cookies" went. Saget!Ted tells his kids (he's telling his kids about a euphemism with possibly their mother or some random former girlfriend; again: ew!) this was a tough question for him. Side-swipe to him showing up at Zoey's... with an overnight bag. The gang is disappointed, because you don't bring a carry-on for sex. Ted says that Zoey told him he was being presumptuous and made him leave. He says he didn't bring that much; not even real slippers -- just his British morning socks.
Lily arrives in Minnesota, where she greets Marshall's mom, who seems happy and says she's doing fine. She says some of her friends suggested she get a body pillow, "But I'm not a lunatic." Marshall comes out playing a videogame or something and hollers at his mom, "I hate to be that guy, but I'm pretty sure it was Hot Pocket o'clock fifteen minutes ago." Then he sees Lily, and gets excited. He gives her a weirdly dispassionate kiss, and asks his mom for more batteries for his GameBoy. Marshall tells her she's the best, and she says she'd do "anything for my baby bear!" He leaves the room, and she tells Lily to get him out of her house! Lily thought he was here helping her, and Judy says he was at first, but he started regressing when she started getting better. So he's been holed up playing videogames, though she does acknowledge he's having a pretty sick Dr. Mario run. Lily says she'll talk to him.
Back in New York, Zoey shows up at Ted's. He says it was a dumb assumption, but Zoey says she overreacted since they both knew what "baking cookies" meant. Ted pretends that he totally did without being told. Zoey says she saw those slippers in his bag and freaked out, but since then she's been asking herself if she's ready for this. And the answer is yes. They kiss. Then Ted pauses to tell her they're actually called British morning socks. Zoey: "Don't get in your own way."
Minnesota. Lily brings Marshall his Hot Pocket because, she tells him, his mom turned her ankle on his Hot Wheels. Marshall, desperate: "Is my track okay?" Lily says it's fine, but she thought he was here taking care of his mom and it seems like it's the other way around. Marshall says that letting his mom take care of him is taking care of her. She needs to be needed. He whispers, "She's in a dark place, Lily. She needs this." Then he yells that his mom forgot his chocolate milk with a swirly straw. She says she'll be right there, and we hear here saying "Ow. Ow. Ow." With every step. Marshall again whispers, "She needs this." Lily asks if he wouldn't rather go home for Valentine's Day and watch the Predator use his heat vision to stalk helpless prey. Quick cut to Barney making Predator noises in MacLaren's as he heat-vision-looks at ladies. Back in Minnesota, Marshall says they can watch Predator here; his mom will rent it for them as soon as she finishes digging out the car. Lily just tells him his mom wants him to leave. She walks in then with his chocolate milk and he asks if she wants him to leave. She tells him of course not, and she'd be so happy if he could stay forever, then mouths to Lily, "Get him out."
Ted and Zoey make a Valentine's Day date: a home-cooked meal at his place. Then Zoey tells him she's so excited for this first Valentine's Day, which they'll remember for years. At MacLaren's, he fills Robin in and she says this is too much pressure and she's freaking out just listening to him. Her heart's pounding, she's hearing this weird clicking noise (that would be Predator Barney going by). Ted says it's romantic that he and Zoey are getting serious on Valentine's Day, and Robin says it's just good that he's sure. He gets unsure all of a sudden, and tries to convince himself and Robin how glad he is to be in a serious relationship, right away. Because if he screws this up, he's the devil since she's going through a divorce. He tells Robin to STOP FREAKING OUT. Then Saget!Ted says he's not proud of what he did . He shows up at Marshall's in Minnesota.
Later, as Desperation Day turns into Desperation Night, Robin introduces Barney to her lady friends. They're all wearing purple, which is for pride or something since tomorrow's Valentine's Day. Bev, whose idea it was, says it was a stupid idea and their other friend tells her it's not, since tonight they're queens. And Robin says they don't care about this sexist, corporate holiday. Barney says they might as well be dog-earing a tear-stained bridal magazine while wolfing down the box of chocolates they had sent to themselves at work from the fiancé no one's met. Bev: "Gerard is real!"
In Minnesota, Ted's now playing videogames, too, and Lily reminds him he's supposed to help get Marshall back to New York. Ted thinks they should stay here until at least after Valentine's Day, plus they're helping Marshall's mom! He yells to her that they're running low on Sunny D. She hollers back to ask if orange juice is okay. Marshall and Ted, in unison: "No!"
MacLaren's. Barney's still making fun of Bev's fake fiancé. Another of Robin's girlfriends (not wearing purple) shows up, all cute and sexy. Her name's Nora. In Minnesota, Lily tells Marshall she's going home, and she wants him to come with her. He says he can't, because his mom needs him. She says it's clearly been super-helpful to have him here playing Super Mario Kart for fourteen hours a day. Ted: "You have Super Mario Kart?!" Lily tells him his mom doesn't need him; his life in New York needs him. He asks her not to go, and Lily kisses him and says, "Come home soon." Tough love.
MacLaren's. Barney's insulting a hot girl for not being good enough, then he heads over to ask Nora why she's not wearing purple like her friends. She says she told them she forgot, but she's really sort of protesting their protest; can he keep her secret? She loves Valentine's Day. He says he does too, and she's glad he's another "gooey romantic." He pretends he is, and they bond over it, then she tells him the one difference between them is that she's not saying any of this to get in his pants.
Minnesota. Marshall (wearing a Tarkenton High School T-shirt) stops playing his videogame to tell Ted how much he misses his dad. He remembers driving at night, and it was so dark in the woods of Minnesota he couldn't see anything, but he was never afraid because his dad was like a superhero who could see out into the darkness. Cut to little Marshall awake in the car while the rest of the family sleeps and his dad drives. His dad gives him a wink, and little Marshall smiles. But now he's gone, Marshall tells Ted, and it's so dark, he can't see anything. That's incredibly sad. I didn't think I'd like that they're dragging this on for so many episodes, but I think I actually do. It's how real mourning happens.
Barney apologizes to Nora for playing her, but he says he's just protecting her from people who are into Desperation Day, because she sounds kind of desperate. She thinks there's nothing wrong with knowing what you want, which is romance on Valentine's Day. Barney: "OR you could be in the 14th annual laser tag tournament in Poughkeepsie." Nora has no idea what any of those words mean. Even though his super-desperate girl from earlier is totally ready for him, he sticks with Nora, to fill her in on laser tag.
Back in Minnesota, Marshall thanks Ted for coming out here and wonders if it's cool with Zoey that he's here. Ted says that she technically doesn't know yet, but things are just so complicated. Marshall starts lecturing Ted on holing up here in hiding, and then realizes they have to leave. Ted says they're snowed in; Lily got the last flight out. Marshall says they'll drive. They're grownups. Then he hollers at his mom to make them some PB&Js for the road, with the crusts cut off. He asks Ted what they're doing; they're men. The music picks up and he yells, "Mom! Leave the crusts on!"
At MacLaren's, Barney's filling Nora in on laser tag, and Boy Scout Troop 15's 2010 championship. She's actually super into it, and thinks it sounds brilliant. (I don't think I've mentioned she's British; she is.) Barney says Robin's his partner for tomorrow, and Robin mutters, "Yeah. I agreed to that." Nora wonders where Bev and Anna went, and we cut back to whenever some nerdy guys offered to buy them hot dogs, and they left with them. Robin's not thrilled that they end up caring about Valentine's Day. Anna assures Robin she'll find someone to do, but "Maybe do something with that hair." Nora says she has to leave now, too. Barney tries to keep here there with the promise of a magic trick, but she has to go to bed. She tells him laser tag seems amazing, though. When she leaves, Barney turns an egg he's holding into a bird (I know). Robin points out it's after midnight, and Barney hasn't gotten any action because he likes Nora. Barney, little-boy voice, "No I don't! She's gross. You like her. You think she smells like rain." Robin pretends Nora's back, and Barney gets all excited. Busted!
Marshall and Ted are driving back through the snow. Ted's asleep when Marshall imagines his dad in the backseat. He tells him his own secret: He couldn't see that great either, but he just kept driving forward, hoping for the best. Saget!Ted says they drove through the night, and got back for Valentine's Day, with no trace of his little freak-out for Zoey to see, except... Zoey shows up and sees Ted's packed Minnesota bag. She's all, "Really? An overnight bag for your own living room?" Then she pulls her own out and says they have a matching set. He thinks that was kind of presumptuous, and they kiss.
At laser tag, Barney calls Robin and wonders where she is, since the Boy Scouts have grown a foot since last year and are terrifying. Robin tells him there was a change of plans, and Nora shows up to avenge the kids shooting him with lasers. Lily's watching Predator alone when Marshall sneaks in with a glass of wine, a "Happy Valentine's Day, Lily Pad," and a kiss.
Tag. Lily's on the couch with her shirted-up Marshpillow. She looks at "him" awkwardly, then says they both knew this would end eventually. Soap opera music as we close-up on the pillow. The end.
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