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The conceit for this episode's setup is that Marshall's still at the Eriksen home in Minnesota, so the whole story is told to him over the phone by various members of our gang. They narrate instead of Saget!Ted, which is sort of a fun change, actually. Marshall's there in the first scene, when Robin cooked dinner for the gang (including Zoey). Only, really, "cooked" is the wrong word. "Burned" or "ruined" are more apt. The gang didn't see Zoey again after that until sometime while Marshall was in Minnesota, so he's getting this story along with us. Basically, Ted called Zoey because he missed her, but mostly he wanted a date with the hot cousin she promised to introduce him to. She agrees, and sets it up -- only it's not so much a date as the whole gang hanging out with Ted and Zoey's hot cousin, Katy Perry. She's hot, as you know, but also very very gullible. To the point that when she tells you something she's actually believed, you reply, "Oh, honey." Hence the episode title.
Anyway, Honey wants to go home with Ted, but he can't do it and lets Barney have her. The reason Ted can't do it? He's in love with Zoey. Uh-oh. When Barney tells Zoey the day that he, not Ted, hooked up with Honey, Zoey's so happy she hugs him. Because... she's in love with Ted, too, right? Problem is, she's married. So Ted ultimately tells her he can't be her friend, but says it's because Lily hates her. Lily's not happy about it, and then goes along, but ultimately can't be mean, so she says it's actually that Robin hates her. Robin tells her that Marshall hates her. Finally, this leads her back to Ted, as she assumes he hates her. He tries to tell her he does, and is getting all mean about the reasons why in the hallway when Marshall gets a call from Honey (Barney's into disposable phones and left one in her trash), who tells him that Zoey and the Captain are getting a divorce. Marshall and his eavesdropping family decide they just MUST tell Zoey and Ted what's up. So Marshall calls Zoey and tells her. She's happy, but keeps listening to Ted's reasons for hating her. Then Marshall calls Ted and tells him. They kiss. So Marshall calls the neighbor, who lets him know they're kissing. Cheers at the Eriksen house. And, really, it's contrived because we knew it was coming even though they created an awesome obstacle in the form of Kyle MacLachlan, but they're sort of cute. I'll take it. She can be the mother. Although I'm not sure how that plays into the season-opening wedding incident, but I guess we'll see.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Saget!Ted tells us that Marshall stayed in Minnesota to take care of his mother after his dad's death, and the longer he stayed the more he went back to being Minnesota Marshall. For instance, he answers the phone with "Eriksen residence. Marshall speaking." Robin, on the other end, laughs and makes fun of him for being such a polite Minnesotan again. He asks her what's up in New York, and she says there is this one thing... about Ted and Zoey. Saget!Ted backs us up to his history with Zoey: Arcadian, protests, the Captain, friendship. Which, Saget!Ted says, brings us to the night Aunt Robin decided to cook dinner. Close-up of charred food on the table (why put it on the table once it's burned like that?). It's December 2010. The gang's all in the kitchen, including Marshall. And Zoey. Robin thought the oven was Celsius. Ted says it's okay, since they have hot dogs. Lily takes a page from Friends and heads to the bathroom to eat hers. Barney just hopes he can pass his. Zoey and Ted, meanwhile, drop the ketchup and flirt over who's going to go out and get a new bottle. She offers to set him up with her hot cousin, and he volunteers to get it. Ba ba ba ba ba da da-da-da-da DA.
Robin continues telling Marshall what's what: After that night, no one heard from Zoey for a while, until Ted called her and wondered if they'd ever see her again because they miss her. And, also, HOT COUSIN promise. She apparently agrees, because we cut to MacLaren's, where the gang (minus Marshall) is gathered. Zoey assures Ted her cousin's cute, which Barney says means fat. Zoey says she's not fat, which Barney says means ugly. Then she walks in, and it's Katy Perry. Barney takes it all back, because she's so attractive. Saget!Ted tells us that he doesn't remember this girl's name (so, going out on a limb here: not the mother?), because over the years they've just referred to her as "Honey." Which is how Katy Perry cutely introduces herself to Ted. Here's why they call her "Honey." Robin explains it to Minnesota Marshall. She's sweet, lovely, but gullible, so every word out of her mouth makes you want to be all sympathetic: "Oh, honey."
Examples: Katy Perry tells the gang that her apartment is, like, totally safe because the landlord installed a security cam in the shower! "Oh, honey." She gave her Social Security number to a Nigerian prince. "Oh, honey." She had a TV audition behind KFC, where a producer works on weekends. "Oh, honey." She's going to be on Lost! "Oh, honey." Robin says she needs to be protected from the wolves. Speaking of... Back at MacLaren's, Barney's practically licking his lips like the biggest, baddest as he growl-whispers, "Oh, honey." That night, everyone went home except Ted and Honey (who was flirting with Ted) ... and Barney. Barney pulls Ted aside and asks him what they'll do since Honey's totally vibing on Barney. He reminds him of how she was touching Ted, but her straw was pointed toward Barney. Which is an obvious sign, duh. Ted gives Honey to Barney with an, "I'd tell you to hump her brains out, but someone obviously already has."
Cut to Robin congratulating Ted for not taking advantage of poor, helpless Honeys. Ted says there's actually another reason he didn't go home with her. Marshall's mom, listening in on his phone call: "He's gay?!" Marshall yells at her. Then it cuts back to Ted, who tells Robin the reason is that he's in love with Zoey. Marshall and his mom: "Oh my God!" Then Marshall yells at his mom again. But they're obviously the only ones surprised, because what other point did Zoey's character have? Marshall tells Robin that Ted needs an intervention because Zoey's married. Robin thinks it's funny he should say that, and we cut to Ted and Robin's apartment with a giant "INTERVENTION" sign. Everyone but Zoey and Marshall is there, and they all wonder who called the intervention. Ted says it was him, and it's for himself. Lily hopes it's about the coffee breath. Robin thinks it's the shoulder hair. Barney votes it's about him wearing a ladies watch. But he tells them it's because he's in love with Zoey, who's married, so it needs to stop. He asks them to intervene. Lily asks if he's sure it's love, and he takes us back to the broken ketchup bottle, which happened because their fingers touched and he felt the love. Marshall's brother, Marcus, is listening in now and mutters, "Wuss!" Marshall tells him to butt out of the private conversation.
Robin keeps going, though, and we're back with Ted saying this is love he feels for Zoey. And the watch was his grandmother's. Ted wants to end his friendship with Zoey, but Robin thinks that's harsh. Lily says a single guy and a married woman cannot be friends if one of them is in love with the other. Robin says she's friends with all of them now, and he can't just ghost out on her, because she'll always be around. She tells Ted just to shut down the feelings and ignore them. If she asks him for ketchup, tell her to get it her own damn self. Robin says she likes Zoey, who helped make her dinner party a success. She tells him to just shut the feelings down. Lily agrees and adds, "And seriously: mouthwash after coffee."
Marshall's getting a call on his other line from a number he doesn't recognize. Robin tells him not to answer it, but then makes fun when she realizes he has to because of his Minnesota politeness. So he does, all "Eriksen residence. Marshall speaking." It's Barney, who has a new number because too many crazies have his old number. He's all about disposable cell phones now. He uses one, has fun, then dumps it and gets a new one. Then he does the same with the cell phone. Then Barney says Robin doesn't know how to tell a story, so he'll tell Marshall what really happened with Zoey and Ted. Back at MacLaren's, only this time Honey's all about Barney and completely ignoring Ted. Barney says Ted tried to impress her, but "bored the pants very much on her." Cut to MacLaren's, where Ted says, "Blah, blah, blah, I'm an architect. Blah, blah, I don't wear suits. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah... Rambling architecture anecdote, blah, blah. Something about a bridge. Blah." All the while, Honey and Barney make eyes at each other.
Barney tells Marshall he gets Honey back to her place, and then we're there. Marshall would like to skip this part, so Barney says he'll summarize. He makes squeaking bed noises that start out slow, get faster and then slow down. Marshall finally says, "Okay. That's been going on awhile." Barney: "Only way I know how." The day, as Barney tells it, he runs into Zoey, and is all, "Yowza!" about her cousin. He makes the bed noises for her, too, and she is so happy to hear Honey didn't go home with Ted that she actually hugs Barney. And if you can hug a guy who just made bed noises, there's something up, right? Barney asks Marshall what the hug was all about, and Marcus pipes up: "Zoey's in love with Ted!" Marshall wants him to hang up, but he hears him out first: Marcus says that Zoey tried to push Ted away with her cousin because she's married and in love with him. Marshall realizes Zoey is in love with Ted. Then Marcus tells Marshall he stopped by that new donut shop, Hertz Donuts, and asks him if he wants a Hertz Donut. Marshall does, so Marcus runs right in and hits Marshall, then asks, "Hurts, don't it?" Barney: "I can't believe you fell for that, bro." Marshall tells Barney that this mutual love isn't going to work and he has to call Ted.
So he does, and when he's about to tell Ted about Zoey's feelings, Ted says he has something to tell him about her first. Cut to Zoey showing up at his place to flirt and ask him for a beer. But it's only a ploy to get him to look in the fridge, which she's filled with ketchup bottles. Wasteful and not even cute. HATE. [Hey, it's the Captain's money. - Zach] But Ted's smitten, so he tells Zoey -- after interruptions in the story from both Marshall's mom and Marcus -- that he can't be her friend anymore, and he tells her she can't ask him why. She gets mopey and leaves. Ted says that was it; no more Zoey. Then Marshall's call waiting rings, and it's Lily, so he has to take it. He tells Ted he's a good guy, then answers Lily's call. She says, "We hate Ted now. Get on board or the sexting stops." Marshall, passionately: "Ted's a son of a bitch!" He gets a sext and likes it, but then tells Lily to go easy on Ted, who just ended things with Zoey. She knows, but there's more to the story than Ted's version. In the end, when he tells Zoey not to ask why, she does anyway, and Ted tells her that Lily hates her. So Zoey shows up at Lily's, all teary, "You hate me?"
After a commercial, Lily tries to tell Zoey that's crazy talk and she doesn't hate her, but Zoey says that Ted told her everything, which was "Lily hates you. She hates you so much, it's hard to be around you. So we can't be friends." Lily tells Zoey, "Oh, oh, I guess there's no use hiding it. I hate you. Bitch." But she says it all sweetly and quietly, like Lily. Zoey says she thought they were friends, and she could really use one right now, since she's been going through some pretty difficult stuff. Marshall wonders what difficult stuff, but Lily doesn't know. Marshall says she did the right thing, but Lily didn't quite, because in the end she told Zoey she doesn't hate her; Robin does. Robin beeps in on Marshall's other line, so Lily, all cheery, lets him take it.
Marshall starts apologizing to Robin about Lily, but Robin's like, "Yeah, uh, I told Zoey you hate her." Marshall wonders why he was dragged into this, and Robin says he just went through a tragedy, so it's not like she's going to call him up. Cue the call waiting, and it's a 917 number he doesn't recognize. She tells him not to answer it, but he says he can't not; it's impolite. They talk over each other as she tries to convince him to ignore it. He's like, "I can't turn my back on politeness. Good manners are what separate us from elbows-on-the-table Wisconsin." They end in screaming, as he cuts over and answers it: "Eriksen residence. Marshall speaking." It's Honey, who tells him she spent the night with Barney, who accidentally left his phone in her apartment, in the garbage. She says she's going through his contacts, because she's sure he wants to get in touch since he told her she was his first. "Oh, honey." Marshall realizes who he's talking to, and is like, "Zoey's cousin?" She fills him in on her night with Barney, in which he cries and cries about not having a father and how he wants to meet him, but his dad hasn't called even though he gave him his number. Awww. Barney. You got rid of your number and are using disposables. Ever think of that? She "Oh, honey"s him a whole lot to comfort him.
Marshall changes the subject to ask if Honey has any idea what's going on with Zoey. She does know, but she says the only people who can know are Honey, Zoey, and Zoey's therapist. Marshall says he's Zoey's therapist, so Honey's all, "Oh! In that case." Then we cut to Marshall and can't hear Honey's end of the call. He cuts her off abruptly and calls for his mom and Marcus. Back in the real world, which I guess is real time while Marshall's hollering for his mom and brother, Zoey shows up at Ted's and asks what's really going on. He says Lily hates her, but she says she thinks he hates her, but is too chicken to come out and say it. He looks sad, and says, "Yes. I... hate you." She cries and asks him if that was so hard, then stomps off." He runs after her and she says she just wants to know why. Back at Marshall's, his mom and Marcus are helping him look at what looks like a crime wall on a crime show, but it's all about Ted, Zoey, Honey, Barney, and the Captain. And it's all made up of Clue cards. Marshall says Ted and Zoey's love would be fine if not for Colonel Mustard. Er, the Captain. But now, as Honey's informed Marshall... Cut to Zoey taking the call from Ted about setting him up with the hot cousin. She's in an empty apartment, which she's just told the landlord she'll take. Marshall cuts the string between Zoey and the Captain and says they're getting divorced. "Which means...?" Marcus cuts in and says that if Marshall doesn't call those two crazy, mixed-up kids, he will. Marshall grabs the phone.
In the hall outside his apartment, Ted's telling Zoey all the reasons he "hates" her. She's stubborn, argumentative, and what kind of name is Zoey? Short for Zoseph? Her phone rings, and she answers. It's Marshall. She's like, "Yes, I am. Yes, I am. He is?" She smiles a little then tells Marshall bye. Then she asks Ted to go on. He keeps insulting her, but she gets happy instead of sad. Ted's phone rings, and she tells him he better take it. His end of the call: "She is? She is? Marshall, I gotta go." He hangs up and kisses her in the hall. They're still kissing in the tag, and the neighbor lady across the hall comes out to see with her phone on. She walks back inside and whispers, "They're kissing." Marshall, on the other end, "They're kissing?! They're kissing!" Marcus and his mom celebrate with him.
Discuss this episode in our forums, add Mermaid Theory to our HIMYM dictionary, then see why our vlogger thinks HIMYM is the new Friends, below.
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DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, didn't think she'd like this Zoey and Ted thing when it finally happened, but doesn't mind it a bit. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.