By DeAnn Welker
This episode starts out ten years in the future, with Ted at an airport in Hong Kong looking decidedly twenty years older (at least). He runs into Wendy the Waitress, which flashes us back to ten years earlier, when Ted was with Zoey and the gang hung out at MacLaren's with their waitress, Wendy. Barney had just finished his Valentine's Day laser tag date with Nora, and was avoiding calling her because she'd turned down a drink at the first date. Marshall was moping, hating his job, and not having sex with Lily. And Ted and Zoey were in that new-couple bliss where he wanted to tell everyone how they met (his kids are like, "Yeah, we get it; you love long, drawn-out stories of meeting women).
Marshall's mopiness has something to do with wanting to save the planet, especially after watching a documentary about Garbage Island. Lily practically strips in front of him, rubs him all over, and does everything else she can to try to get him to have sex, but he won't. In the end, sitting in a dumpster, he finally admits this is all about his dad's expectations of him and how he can't be a dad until he's saved the world. It's hard to tell if they mean it or if they'll be back to trying for a baby soon. I guess we'll find out. Barney fights his love for Nora (which he can't say without a smile), but Robin eventually convinces him, through trickery, that he likes her. And he ultimately gets her number and goes to make a phone call.
Zoey, for some reason, left one box back at her old apartment with the Captain, which she puts Ted in charge of getting. When he shows up, the Captain thinks he's there to show support for him. They bond over Captain-speak and hatred for whomever stole Zoey's heart. Ultimately, the Captain blames the doorman and wants to injure him until Ted convinces him they were never right for each other anyway (she didn't even like boats!). So Ted admits he's the new boyfriend and runs away. Then we're back in 2021 in the Hong Kong airport, and we find out Wendy the Waitress ended up with a guy she met because of Marshall's annoying green phase. She asks Ted if he's still with Zoey. He's not, and it didn't end well. When he starts tell the story of the woman he's with now (the mother of his two children), they say they really have to go and cut him off. So he calls Marshall on a hologram phone. Ah, the future. Still as silly as it's ever been on television.
Discuss this episode in our forums, see who's the show's most eligible single, then see why our vlogger thinks HIMYM is the new Friends, below.
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Join the conversation now!
I know you've just barely gotten used to me with this half-season I've weecapped, but this will be my last weecap of How I Met Your Mother as the designated writer. I'm not saying I'll never fill in for whatever lucky soul takes over, but someone else wonderful will get the assignment. I'll still be watching and reading, though, and expecting greatness. So, about the show. Saget!Ted tells us, his kids, that sometimes great things come out of terrible circumstances. Remember, for example, when he got stranded in the Hong Kong airport on a business trip? In fact, no, we don't remember that, but we'll play along. Older-looking Ted complains to an airline rep at the airport that he can't believe a drizzle would shut down an airport in 2021 (though Ted's looking a lot more than ten years older) when we can make cell phones that send a hologram of the person on the other end. A cute girl greets him and he pretends to know who she is (he doesn't). She reminds him she's Wendy the Waitress. So Saget!Ted backs us up "about ten years."
MacLaren's, 2011. Robin tells Barney she heard he and Nora had a fun time at laser tag. He wonders where she heard that, since it was "a disaster." (But remember, kids, what Saget!Ted just said: So something good's going to come out of it, right?) Robin explains Nora's version of what happened, and we get a swipe into the past for it. Nora thought it was fun and wanted to do it again, Barney invited her for a drink, but she was too tired, so she gave him her number and went home. Then we get Barney's version, which has everything after her rejecting his drink offer muffled out so he can't understand it. Then him faking, "Absolutely." He tells Robin it was a shame, too, because Nora's a great laser tag partner; she's small, so she can push kids. Robin tells him he likes Nora, but he swears he doesn't. She says he can't say her name without smiling, so he tries and tries and tries, much to the delight of Robin, Lily and Marshall. Barney makes up a rhyme about Nora's face and booty, but how he doesn't chase for it. Lily tells him that's ridiculous and then says she has some advice. This is the point where everything she says is muffled to Barney, but he still responds, "Totally," when she's done. How fun would it be to live inside Barney's brain? Almost as fun as the "Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, da, da, da, da, da, da, DA" (don't count them; I'm sure I'm off) opening song.
Saget!Ted tells his kids about how he'd just started dating Zoey, and how everyone wants to know the same thing. At MacLaren's, he asks Wendy the Waitress (not looking any younger, actually), "How did we meet?" Zoey tries to stop him, but he explains it all (minus the Arcadian and her early hatred of him): She was unhappily married to the Captain, lover of boats. Ted was careful not to cross lines in their friendship (scene of her sitting on the couch watching a movie, and him sitting back at his desk, watching from across the room). Then Zoey and the Captain had a big fight, and the Captain demanded a divorce. She was heartbroken, but rebuilt herself and then ended up back in Ted's life. Wendy the Waitress: "Actually, I said, 'How is your meat?'" He tells her it's a little cold, and she sarcastically wonders why.
Zoey asks Ted if he's picked up that box she left at her old apartment, and he explains that, no, because he's too much of a wuss to see the Captain, who scares the panties off him. But in a totally manly way. Marshall gets up to leave, and apologizes, but he has to go clear a meaningless stack of paperwork off his desk to make way for an equally meaningless one tomorrow. Barney nods approvingly. Marshall says it's all worth it, though, because at least he knows he's making the world a... place. Ted thinks Marshall hasn't been himself lately, and Lily agrees he's been quiet. She says that he has no interest in the stuff he used to love. Barney winks and tells her that he has a finely calibrated sense of how long it's been since -- "how do I not put this delicately? -- a girl's been porked." And he tells her it's been five and a half months for her. She thinks he should work at a carnival, but he says the background checks are too tough.
Lily, Zoey and Ted leave Barney alone to give Robin a knowing look. She hasn't had sex for eighteen weeks. She agrees she's been in a bit of a funk, so he says he'll throw her one. I mean, they're exes, and are due for a backslide. "Or we could just do it the normal way." Robin thinks this is about Nora. He met a girl and liked her, but missed his shot, so now he's trying to hook up with his ex to show he doesn't care. He says she's way off, and also: "How'd I miss my shot?" She tells him Nora met a guy, and he acts shocked and heartbroken, then quickly changes to fake apathy. She tells him the guy's taking Nora to Café L'Amour, and Barney's even more upset because "love" is right there in the restaurant's name. Then he's all, "I'm fine. It's fine." He tells her the point is he doesn't even like Nora (big smile).
Marshall's up watching TV when Lily comes out and asks if there's anything she can do to help him sleep. She kisses his ears while she asks, and he replies, "Maybe after this documentary about garbage." Lily worries she's losing her touch. When the documentary ends, Marshall's ready to help save the planet from Garbage Island (mythically large). He gets up and takes off, knocking a half-asleep Lily onto the floor.
Ted shows up at Zoey's old apartment just as the Captain is heading into the lobby. He greets Ted with a half-shadowed face so Ted can't tell if he's happy or wants to kill him. When he steps out of the shadow after commercials, he's happy to see Ted. The Captain realizes Ted's come to rescue him from the wreckage of his capsized marriage. He says his wife's abandoned him, and his friends too, so he asks Ted to please tell him he's on his side. They hug, and the Captain invites Ted to his study.
At MacLaren's, Lily's rubbing Marshall all over while he rants to Barney and Robin about Garbage Island (which they've never heard of). Marshall says he's going environmental, and phase one was MacLaren's. He's convinces them to go green. Wendy the Waitress is not happy to find out that's because of him, because "going green" means she has to carry 80 pounds of bottles to the recycling. She threw her back out, even. Recycling is such hard work! Marshall: "You're welcome... Earth." He says that phase two is GNB, where he'll make a presentation in front of the board to explain that they can cut their carbon footprint in half for only $12 million. Barney tells him not to do that, because they'll only hear "$12 million" and Marshall will be fired. Lily keeps rubbing all over Marshall when Ted comes in and explains what happened with the Captain. Cut back to them together. The Captain told a story different than the story Ted had been telling about Zoey and the Captain. It's very poetic and maritime, for starters. But basically, it's all about their love for each other and how they fought, yes, but Zoey left the Captain -- not the other way around -- even though he begged her not to. The Captain says she left him for another man, "the Scoundrel." The Captain doesn't know what he looks like, but pictures him with a moustache. Ted agrees profusely. The fight over the Scoundrel is what caused their fight. And they did make love when the Captain begged her to stay, but she was gone in the morning. Ted tells the Captain not to blame himself, and the Captain says he doesn't. He only blames one man for this. Back at MacLaren's, Ted hits us over the head with it, in case you weren't clear: He's the guy the Captain blames here. Robin reassuringly tells him he's at least the guy who picked up the box for Zoey. Ted's like, "Dammit! The box!" And runs out.
Marshall's at his apartment desk working when Lily comes over and starts rubbing him again. Then she starts unbuttoning her shirt. He tells her he has to do this presentation, and will work on it until tomorrow afternoon, then he'll do her. She says it's a deal, but then holds his hand to her boob until he has to scold "Lily!" to get it back.
Barney finds Robin alone at MacLaren's and calls her a "lying little minx." He just happened to be at Café L'Amour tonight from five to closing, reading a newspaper with two holes cut out of it, and he never saw Nora or the Italian race car driver she's dating. Robin wonders about the race car driver, and he flails, "Come on! You just know he's an Italian race car driver!" Robin says he's not. In fact, he doesn't exist. She made it up to see if Barney likes her, and he does, so she gives him Nora's number again. He tears it up. She says she also programmed it into his phone while he was in the bathroom, so he bashes his phone with a beer stein. She tells him that was a joke, since he just got here, but wow, is he ever smitten! Barney says he's totally not. Barney Stinson doesn't get smitten. He smites. Barney says he can't have a girlfriend. Getting serious with Nora would be like Mother Theresa focusing all her attention one really hot orphan. "With great penis comes great responsibility." So Robin asks him to throw her one. He says he'll do it, and she says she doesn't think so, because he doesn't want to screw things up with Nora. But, if so, she'll meet him the night at her place. It's on!
Marshall arrives home, and Lily attacks him for sex now, foreplay after. But he stops her, because the presentation didn't go so well. Cut to the office. As soon as he says $12 million, Arthur cuts him off and tells him they already have a green initiative: He remembers something about a poster and meeting Sting. A lackey confirms he did, in fact, meet Sting. He wonders why they'd spend another $12 million. Arthur hates the idea and asks who here supports it. An employee named Meeker says he has some good points, and Arthur says he's fired. He's about to fire Marshall, but the lackey whispers to him that Marshall's father just died. So Arthur says he'll take the plan under advisement. Back at home, Marshall says he's upset, and Lily shows him the six-pack of tallboys she got him at the deli. He gazes at them while she kisses him, and then he asks her what happened to the plastic rings from the six-pack. She doesn't know, so he scolds her for not caring and then heads outside to dig the rings out of the trash.
Ted shows up back at the Captain's building to get Zoey's box, but the Captain's once again in the lobby. He invites him up again, and tells Ted he knows who stole Zoey. He's holding a sword while he says it, so obviously Ted's shitting himself. He says that no man likes to be betrayed, especially by a friend, so Ted can imagine how it hurt him to learn that the name of the betrayer is ... "Ted, when I tell you, you're going to... It's my doorman!" Ted: "That sonofabitch." The Captain explains how he knows: The doorman always winks and tips his hat when he sees Zoey. Plus, he has a glorious moustache. He plans to have him fired for this, but Ted says he can't. The Captain agrees, and says physical retribution is much better. He pulls out two medieval flails [Hey, like the one Ted damaged his ceiling with! - Zach] but Ted stops him. He wonders who this flower child is, and what happened to his lionhearted friend, Ted Mosby. But Ted tells him he can't blame the doorman; the Captain and Zoey had nothing in common. "For God's sake, Captain, she hates boats!" He knows it's tough to face, but he's sure a small part of the Captain has always known they're not right for each other. The Captain sighs and wonders why Zoey couldn't just like boats; other girls like them, don't they? Ted says they do, and he'll find one, and be much happier than he was with Zoey. The Captain says that maybe he should thank the doorman, when Ted puts it that way. Ted agrees, and then scoots toward the door and admits he's the one dating Zoey, then runs out. He almost forgets Zoey's box on the way out, but doesn't.
Lily finds Marshall rifling through a dumpster and asks him what gives. He's sorry, but no one's getting any action until he finds those rings. She hopes this doesn't make her look desperate, but she dives into the dumpster to help him find them.
Barney shows up at Robin's and tells her to give it to him. She's annoyed, because she tries to root for him, even as his ex. She wants him to change, but he just never will and she's done trying to help. Barney: "The number. Give me the number." He tried to piece back together one that he tore up, but can't read it. She fills him in, and they bicker, but then he leaves. He has a phone call to make. Robin gives him a "go get her" on his way out.
Ted and Zoey are alone at the table at MacLaren's. Ted asks if he stole her, and she says he did. He hangs his head, and she goes on that he did it by being the kind of sweet, thoughtful guy who'd never think of stealing someone. He's all, "So I'm the bad guy? Great." Zoey tells him it will be years before anyone will know who's the good or bad guy. Divorce sucks, she says, but sometimes things need to fall apart to make way for a better thing.
Speaking of falling apart, Marshall's angrily rifling through the trash when Lily stops him and asks, seriously, what's going on. He says his dad always was so proud of him for wanting to be an environmental lawyer, and he only got to see the version of him that was a corporate stooge. And now they're going to start a family, and he's never been an environmental lawyer. She wonders if he's avoiding sex because he doesn't want a family yet. He tells her that once they have kids, that's it for him: He'll be locked in his corporate job forever. Lily tells him that if he wants to go save the planet, he should do that right now. Then, once he's saved the planet and cleaned all the oceans -- "you know, like a year from now" -- they can start a family. As if no one who works as an environmental lawyer for a nonprofit has ever had a family? But Marshall says he doesn't know, because all he's done in trying to save the planet was break Wendy the Waitress's back, push Lily away, and get Meeker fired. He surely hates him. Lily says he doesn't, but Saget!Ted tells us he really did. And he knew that they all hung out at MacLaren's after work. So that night he went there to confront Marshall. But instead he ran into Wendy, taking out bottles. The bag falls apart, and he helps her pick them up. She mutters about Marshall, and they bond over their hatred for him. Saget!Ted: "And the rest, as they say, is history."
Back in the airport of the future, Meeker's joined Wendy. They decided to come here to celebrate their second honeymoon. Wendy asks about Ted; is he still with Zoey? Ted scoffs and laughs: "No! Wow, that did not end well." He says it was for the best, though, because he's married to an amazing girl and they have two kids. He goes on that it's a funny story how they met: He was a best man at this wedding... (brief cut to him and Marshall on the bench). As if anticipating the epic tale, Wendy interrupts that it's great seeing him, but they've got to run. He tells them it was great to see them. Then he calls Marshall on his hologram cell phone to tell him who he just ran into after all this time.
Discuss this episode in our forums, see who's the show's most eligible single, then see why our vlogger thinks HIMYM is the new Friends, below.
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Join the conversation now!
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, will be a little sad not to weecap when we learn who that damn mother is. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.