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After Marshall's dad died, all of his friends go with him to Minnesota for the funeral. Lily found her role in being Marshall's mom's bitch (giving her someone to yell at and hate was what finally got her eating and sleeping), Robin was the vice girl (with a bag of drugs, firecrackers, booze, and even a copy of Crocodile Dundee III -- because she wanted to be able to provide Marshall with anything he might need to feel better. And Ted and Barney think their role is to make Marshall laugh, so the spend the episode finding online videos of people getting kicked in the nuts. It doesn't work, so Barney kicks Ted in the nuts. That also doesn't work.
Marshall's dad's substitute reverend (and Marshall's bully, hilariously played by Jonathan from Buffy, who's at least a foot and a half shorter than Jason Segel) tells Marshall and his family to think of last words, so they all do. Everyone else's is special and wonderful, but Marshall remembers his dad saying "Plane food is ass." Then he remembers him yelling some vaguely racist comments up from the street as they were leaving Marshall's. Then he remembers going downstairs, where his dad recommended he rent Crocodile Dundee III, which I'm sure you all remember is actually Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles.
Then Marshall gets his phone all charged up (remember he didn't have it last episode? Turns out it was just out of batteries) and realizes his dad left him a voicemail. He won't listen, because Crocodile Dundee III is good enough, and might be better. Then his family talks at the funeral about their last moments, and he goes outside to listen. The gang follows him, and he says it was a pocket dial, which he plays on speakerphone as he talks about how unfair life is, and yells at God. Then his dad pipes up and tells him he just realized he's pocket-dialed him. Then he tells him they had a great time at his place, and he loves him. Marshall gets all choked up about those being his dad's last words to him, until his dad says something about foot cream for his fungus. Marshall repeats that "I love you" were his dad's last words to him, but then goes inside to the funeral and talks about renting Crocodile Dundee III. He keeps the touching stuff for himself, and instead makes everyone at the funeral laugh. His mom thanks Lily, because she realized what she was doing all along (she throws in one last insult, but promises it was the last one).
When they're all back at the Ericksons' home, Marshall stands up and tells them all that if he never comes back these will be his last words: "I really, really love you guys. And now I'm going to take a deuce." He leaves, and everyone calls their own dads to get in some good just-in-case-they're-the-last-words time. And Barney calls his mom: He's ready to meet his dad. Which is the perfect place to go with this plot.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!There's no scene before the ba-ba-ba opening, so we know they mean business. Then Saget!Ted tells us, his "kids," that when your best friend loses someone (short flash to sad Lily and Marshall from last episode), you drop everything to be there. Only to stand there with no idea what to do or say. Ted, Barney, Robin and Lily all stand around at the funeral. Ted wonders what they can do to help, and Lily says not to ask her; this morning she actually peed for Marshall, which she then realized didn't make sense. Robin's cool, though. She knows her role at funerals: vice girl. She brought a bag filled with anything that might make Marshall feel better: drugs, cigarettes, booze, firecrackers. They're all impressed, and oohing and ahhing until Robin's like, "Be cool, nerds." And I'm like, "Who do you think you are, Scherbatsky? Tina Fey?" Lily tells them all how sad Marshall's mom's been, and how she hasn't eaten or slept. Then Lily realizes her role is to take care of her. And, no, it doesn't matter that she and Judy aren't "besties."
Barney epiphanies that he and Ted should make Marshall laugh today, and the way to do this is by showing him a video of someone getting hit in the nuts. Barney says they need to get a "four-star nad-rattler," so he puts Ted on "knees, feet, fire hydrants and diving boards" and keeps "bats, rackets, hockey sticks, golf clubs and riding crops." Ted asks what about animals? (And, really, what about animals? When do animals kick people in the nuts?) Barney gives Ted "claws, paws, talons" and himself, "hooves, beaks and clenched monkey fists." Marshall comes up and says his phone's out of juice and he left his charger somewhere. Robin asks him if he needs outlet or USB and pulls the charger he needs from her bag. Not exactly a vice, but still, it's something that will make his day better, so well-played on her part. Ted tells Robin she's like Mary Poppins, if her magic purse was filled with drugs. Robin's like, "If?!" Because, really, Ted: Have you seen Mary Poppins?
The reverend tells Judy how sorry he is for her loss, but then says he unfortunately cannot lead the services today: His daughter in Chicago just went into labor. But he's leaving him in the capable hands of his second-in-command: his son, Trey. [Who has less of a vested interest, apparently, in the arrival of new family members. - Zach] He goes to grab him, and Marshall tells his friends that Trey Platt was the toughest bully in school, and he terrorized Marshall growing up. Just then, Danny Strong, at least a foot shorter than Marshall, walks up behind him and says hey. He's the bully, which is amusing, but mostly pointless in the scheme of the episode other than to be a continuous short joke/Marshall is a wimp joke.
Cut to the hall, where Ted and Barney tell Marshall he could use a laugh and present him with the first nad-rattling video. They show it, and laugh. Marshall does not. He's hung up on Trey "The Noogie Machine" Platt leading his father's funeral service. Ted asks if Trey carried around a step ladder to give Marshall noogies, and Marshall's like, "He made me carry it." Aw. What an adorably wimpy thing to say. Back inside, Trey's looking tinier than ever in between Marshall's giant brothers. He tells them all that his dad gave him some questions to ask to come up with a theme for the service "or whatever." The first question is what their last words were with the deceased. Trey's like, "Lame," and ready to move on to the one, but Judy interrupts and says her last words with him were lovely. So were both of Marshall's brothers'. Tone-deaf Trey says this is clearly yielding nothing, and he'll have to fill the time with some jokes. Again. Judy thinks last words seems like a good theme, then asks Marshall what the last words his dad said to him were.
Flashback to Judy leaving Marshall and Lily's, then Marshall's dad sticking back to tell Marshall he had to say something to him: Could he have that extra pork chop for the plane? Marshall says no, because he was going to make a sandwich with it, then asks his dad if there'll be food on the plane. Mr. Erickson: "Yeah, but plane food is ass." Then he's gone. Cut back to the present, where Marshall's now in the hall with his gang again, telling them that those were his dad's last words to him: "Plane food is ass." And that was right after he denied the man a pork chop. [Who does that? You can get a pork chop on any street corner in New York. Just give it to the man. - Z] Robin gives him a flask, which he starts to drink until he remembers his dad yelled up from the street while waiting for a cab. Cut to that scene, in which Mr. Erickson yells up from the street all about how Marshall didn't have an umbrella, but those Korean people across the hall probably do, because the Koreans are a trustworthy and generous people. Back in the present, Marshall realizes his dad's last words were a string of odd racial stereotypes. He thinks this is worse than the pork chop. Barney and Ted interject with another nad-rattler. They laugh. Marshall doesn't.
But Marshall remembers even more stuff he forgot (from what? A day ago?). He went down to talk to his parents after they couldn't get a cab. He brings his dad an umbrella from the Kangs, and admits his dad was right. The cab shows up then, so Judy blows Marshall a kiss and gets in. Mr. Erickson lingers back to tell Marshall he has a little advice for him: "Rent Crocodile Dundee III. I caught it on the cable last night. It totally holds up!" Back in the present, Marshall says that, since that's the second-best of the Croc trilogy, he can live with those being the last words. His phone finishes charging, so he picks it up. While he checks it out, some guy asks Robin for vodka and dirty playing cards. She's got it covered. Marshall, looking at his phone, says he has a voicemail from his dad. I actually appreciate the continuity of his phone being somehow not available last episode carrying over into this one.
After commercials, Marshall tells them all his phone's been out of juice, so his dad must have called the day that he, uh... Lily asks if he's okay, and he gets poignant about holding in his hand the last words his dads will say to him. He wants to hit play, but he can't, because: What if it's worse than Crocodile Dundee III? That's a question I often ask myself. Thankfully, not many things are. He notices his mom's about to collapse, but Lily tells him she'll take care of Judy. The rest of the gang tells Marshall not to put so much pressure on last words; they don't mean much. Barney says all the famous last words you hear about are total lies, like Nathan Hale, who Barney claims actually didn't say "I only regret that I have one but life to lose for my country" last, because he then said, "I'm peeing my pants." They continue to push Marshall to do it, so he goes outside to listen to it alone. Which gives a cute blonde girl a chance to hit Robin up for the good stuff.
Lily comes out excited and tells the gang what just happened in the kitchen. She was sweet to Judy, who then yelled at her about her snobby New York ways in the kitchen. Then, Judy got incredibly tired and went to take a nap. Get it? Hating Lily helps her sleep. Lily feels so good about having a role: Judy's bitch. Ted wonders if Lily can absorb all this, since the day's rough on her, too. Lily's good, though: Robin gave her a little pill from her bag, so things are flowing pretty smooth. Robin reminds her to stay hydrated. Marshall comes back in: He couldn't listen to the voicemail. They all think it doesn't matter what his dad said and he should listen, so he asks them what their dad's last words would be if they died right now.
Flashes: Ted's dad talked to him about a girl he's been sleeping with, who Ted also slept with back in high school or something. It's totally gross. Robin gives Ted the flask, and Marshall tells Ted: "Lawyered." Lily's dad calls to tell her he's in jail for not paying taxes for 25 years and asks for $15,000 bail. She pretends to be an answering machine. Now she's drinking from Robin's flask, and is also lawyered. Robin's dad tells her what a disappointment she's been and that he'd like to stop lying to his friends about her being in a coma. Then he tells her "Happy birthday." In the present, they all say it's awful, and she says what's really awful was her giddy reaction: "You remembered my birthday?!" She drinks from the flask. And is lawyered. Barney makes a touching speech about how he thought he had it bad not knowing his dad, but at least he'll never have to suffer like this. Then he shows Marshall another nad-rattler video. Or tries to, until Marshall stops him and says he just needs a minute.
Judy comes in angry that someone got the cute blond drunk, since she's fifteen. Robin can't believe she's that young, and Barney can't either, I guess, as he gives her her phone number back. Lily seizes on this opportunity and says she's the one who got the minor drunk, which people in New York think is funny. Judy yells that she should be ashamed. Then she eats some gross "salad" made of cheese, mayonnaise and jellybeans, so Lily feels good at getting her eating again. Ted and Barney decide to go live with their plan to make Marshall laugh by hitting each other in the nuts. But how to decide who will take the hit... Barney doesn't wait: He just knees Ted in the nuts as Marshall walks in, no laughter. He tells Robin and Lily he's not going to listen to the voicemail, because the Crocodile Dundee III thing is something he can live with. Marshall and Lily hug, and Ted, curled up on the ground, asks if Marshall's laughing.
Saget!Ted says Marshall did think he could live with that, until later, at the memorial service. Marshall's mom talks about her last talk with her husband, and so do his brothers. He told Judy how much he loves her and how gorgeous she is; spent time with his grandson, helping him learn to skate; and fed a deer out of his hand. He told them he'd always be proud of them, and life is a gift. Everyone cries and lies to Marshall that these stories don't hold a candle to the Crocodile Dundee thing. Marshall, up , needs some air. He goes out in the cold, and the gang follows. He says he has to listen to it, and does. Then he stops listening and tells them all it was a pocket dial. "It's nothing." And, for some reason, that line -- "it's nothing" -- carries a ton of weight. I think because that's what death is, you know: nothing. And it's a scary thought.
Lily tries to comfort Marshall, because he has so many great memories with his dad that the last one doesn't matter. Everyone agrees, but Marshall says none of them gets it: His dad was his hero, his teacher, his best friend, who always came through for him. And now he's gone, and what's Marshall left with? He starts playing the pocket-dial on speakerphone as he yells at God, thanking him for taking the greatest man he's ever known, way too young. He tells Lily his dad will never meet their kids, but at least they have this voicemail. Lily cries, and even Barney does a little. Marshall rants about how unfair it is that this is all he's left with. Then his dad starts talking: "Marshall? Oh. Looks like I've been calling you for almost five minutes. How's my pocket sound? Anyway, your mom and I had such a great time seeing you. I love you."
Tears all around (but totally not here in my house, okay? I am made of steel, I tell you, and it would be pathetic for me to be crying my second time through this episode. That's my story...), and Lily tells Marshall it looks like his dad came through one last time. They hug. And everyone else gathers around them. Marshall says his father's last words to him were "I love you." Then his dad continues: "Oh, and let me know if you find my foot cream. That fungus is acting up again." Marshall repeats that his father's last words to him were "I love you." The whole gang agrees; that's what they heard, too. Marshall tells his dad goodbye and hugs Lily (Alyson Hannigan has always been the best crier, because it looks so real, and man, she gets me every time).
Saget!Ted tells us that Marshall got his turn to speak, and we move ahead to that. He tells everyone that his dad's last words were the Crocodile Dundee thing. He decided to keep Marvin's real last words for himself. In the pew, Judy thanks Lily for what she's been doing today. She's onto her, and she really needed it. Then she adds that Lily's dress makes her look like a Kansas City whore. She apologizes and says that was the last one.
Back at the Ericksons' home, Marshall says he should have rented Crocodile Dundee III, and Robin pulls a copy out of her vice bag. Ted's baffled. Marshall thanks her, and then gets up. He says he'll be right back, but if he doesn't come back, his last words to them all are these: "I really really really love you guys. ... Now I'm gonna go drop a deuce." Is he his father's son or what? Saget!Ted says that last words get you thinking. Ted, Lily, Robin each make a call that starts, "Hi, Dad." Then Barney makes a call: "Hi, Mom. I'm ready to meet my dad." Wow. This show's gotten so serious lately, and now this is coming, too? I really can't wait, because somehow what used to be this charming little comedy has provided some terrific drama lately.
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DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, doesn't want to think about what her last words with people would be, because they're more Crocodile Dundee and foot fungus than "I love you." You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.