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This episode takes place in some sort of weird countdown from fifty to one, which never really makes sense, even at the end. Maybe it's just because they can. Anyway, we do finally meet Barney's doppelganger, in the form of Marshall and Lily's fertility doctor, Dr. Stangel. Unfortunately, that means that Barney has to be in the room (fully sunglassed and earphoned up, of course) while the doctor checks out Lily's lady parts. Otherwise, Lily's certain Barney will pull a switcheroo and check her out (he does pull one in the end, but for less sinister purposes: to get Marshall to play laser tag with him by lying that it helps sperm count or something). When Lily checks out fine, Marshall's sure it's him that's the problem, which means he avoids his dad's phone calls. He only likes to tell his dad when there's good news, you see, because that's what makes it real. So, while he's trying to masturbate, his parents show up at his house. By the time he gets it done and gets the results back (his sperm is fine), his dad's died of a heart attack. I'm not sure why he didn't have his phone on him, but Lily gives him the news at the end of the episode right when he's at his high point. They cry and hug in the street, and it's terribly sad. And unexpected.
While Barney, Barney's doppelganger, Lily, and Marshall are involved in matters of life and death, Robin's caught up in work drama, because Wesley, a.k.a. Robin's former co-host/douchebag Sandy Rivers, is the new host at her new job, World Wide News. He's spoiling her reputation, first by lying that they slept together, then by revealing the time she fell in horse poop on air, then sharing even more embarrassing moments of Robin on video, including Robin Sparkles and an owl attack that Ted looks up and loves but we don't get to see. (Boo! "Hoo?") In the end, she joins in making fun of herself instead of outing Sandy as a big-ol' toupee wearer (which Ted discovers by showing up at his place and snapping a photo), and it seems to go fine. Saget!Ted even tells us she has a long, wonderful career there or something. Ted doesn't do much other than talk to Robin about her work, and Barney's only in the episode to help out Lily and Marshall's storyline.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Before we get started, I should say that I don't really get the countdown to the episode's end. I mean, I obviously know what it's counting down to. I just can't figure out why. Please email me if you have any idea. And, if you've seen the episode and have no idea what I'm talking about, this site's for you. I'm so glad someone took time to do that, so that I won't have to endlessly detail every number in the countdown, while also filling you in on little things like plot and trying, very occasionally, to be funny.
No picture of the "kids," but Saget!Ted fills us in on how badly Lily and Marshall wanted a baby and how frustrated they were after, like, six days of trying. (Except for when they decided to stop trying until Ted bossed them around, but why would we remember that? It was all the way in the episode.) Anyway, while they talk to their doctor about their frustrations six days into trying and no pregnancy, there's a pamphlet on his desk that says "50." And the countdown begins. The doctor scoffs, but they come back after several months -- "49" -- during which they've had sex everywhere and in every position. The doctor gives them a number for Dr. John Stangel, a reproductive endocrinologist.
MacLaren's. Marshall's ketchup bottle has a giant "48" on it as he tells Lily he's not sure they need a specialist. She wonders if his plan is to just have unprotected sex everywhere forever, and Ted and Marshall look at her like, "Duh." She realizes it didn't sound that bad coming out. Barney arrives and shows them the application for a laser tag tournament ("47"), and says only one of them can be his partner. They both decline, but Ted does so more emphatically, so Marshall's the partner by default. Lily goes to see Dr. Stangel, the man who knew more about human reproduction than anyone in New York City. And in walks... Barney. In a dark wig, beard, and doctor suit. He says he understands she wants to get pregnant, and Lily's eyes go wide, with a "46" behind her on a certificate-looking wall-hanging. "Ba, ba, ba, ba, da-da-da-da" opening.
MacLaren's. Barney's mid-sentence with a sign about "45"-cent hot wings in front of him when Lily storms in and throws a bowl of peanuts in his face. She asks how he did it, and he plays innocent, so she tells them all about Dr. Stangel, giving us a brief sideswipe to the doctor's office, in which she's like, "Where'd you get the beard?" and in which she air-quotes "Dr. Stangel" at him. He tells her his mother's Armenian, which seems to have something to do with the beard? I don't know. I'm really busy counting. Anyway, Marshall insists Barney was with him all day, first at sexual harassment training, then a secretary beauty pageant. Ted's happy they've found Barney's doppleganger and tells Lily that now they can tell her the hot dog guy did not look like Barney. Lily freaks out, because she and Marshall made a binding covenant with the universe about having kids. She says this is like a black cat walked through her uterus. Barney suggests the cost-saving alternative of getting checked out by someone who looks just like her doctor, instead, and goes to scrub up. As he talks, we see a "44 beers on tap" chalkboard behind the bar.
Doctor's office. Marshall's looking at a pamphlet, which is a countdown cheater by having both numbers "43" and "42" on it. He insists there's no way this doctor's Barney until Dr. Stangel walks in. He pulls on Stangel's beard, and then believes he's real. There's a "41" race-car picture on the wall behind Dr. Stangel. Lily's still not buying it, so they summon Barney. He stands and looks at Dr. Stangel, and says it's like looking into a poorly dressed mirror. He makes faces, and Dr. Stangel makes him leave -- and does not let him take the vagina model. Barney leaves and Lily's unconvinced again. She needs to see them both at once to be convinced he hasn't pulled a crazy switch. They finish up the appointment with Barney headphoned and goggled up, with paper blocking the sides of his goggles, even. He can't hear or see and is talking to the wall, thinking it's Lily, and taking pictures. Lily asks Dr. Stangel if they can leave him in here, and Dr. Stangel's cool with it. He's leaving for the day.
Saget!Ted takes us to Robin's new job at World Wide News, then to her coming home on her first day. Ted, reading a book about "40" greatest landmarks, asks her how her day was. She raspberries (which will get old soon) with a thumbs-down. That flashes us back to her work again, where she's being introduced as she stands in front of a door labeled "39." Then she meets the new host, played by Alyson Hannigan's real-life husband Alexis Denisof, back in his role as douchebag Sandy Rivers. Ted reminds us that he's Robin's old co-host and Ted's old nemesis for offering to have sex with Robin back in the day. Sandy remembers Robin and tells the entire newsroom that they've had sex. Everyone, including a woman holding up a newspaper weather page with "38" degrees on it, gasps. Back at the apartment, Ted does, too. But Robin swears she didn't have sex with Sandy. And she can't believe it's her first day and she's already slept with the host of the show. Ted asks if she was eventually planning on that. She says not now that she knows it's Sandy (obviously!), and storms off.
Lily's all smiles on the couch reading a magazine with "37" recipes when Marshall comes home. She fills him in on their two phone messages: His dad called to see if he has any sixes (Marshall explains they're playing Go Fish over the phone -- which I maintain is impossible), and the doctor called and she's extremely fertile. Marshall's about to call and tell his dad the good news -- we even cut to his dad working in his shop with a beer can that says "36" on it -- but then he realizes he might be the problem, so doesn't call.
MacLaren's. Lily and Marshall are filling Ted and Barney in on the fertility problem (they manage to work in a high-five after he says they've had unprotected sex 203 times in the past four months). Marshall says he's obviously the problem, but Barney says that's the dream. He'd give his first born to not be able to have children. Robin comes in, and Ted asks about her second day of work. She raspberries and thumbs-downs again. Is that a thing? Because it's weird and obnoxious. Cut to her bad day. She talks to the news team as a TV behind her says first that the stock market is up "35.34" points and then "33" miners are rescued from a collapsed mine. Sandy then loudly repeats that they definitely had sex, because why else would he remember her? Cut back to Robin and the lottery numbers on the TV: "32" "31" "30" "29" 28" 27." Dude, what are the chances? She protests the sex accusation, and says he might remember her for being smart, talented and professional. Then he remembers that they didn't have sex, but she's the girl who slipped and fell in horse poop while doing a report on a carriage. Robin's like, "Oh, I remember, we did have sex." But Sandy's already summoned the footage, which they all watch together. There must not be much news if this is what their news meetings devolve into. [You should see our news meetings. - Zach] The gang at MacLaren's laughs, too, especially when Robin tells them her new nickname is "Sherpoopy." She doesn't think it's funny (which is incorrect, because the word "poopy" is always funny). Ted tells her to play along, just like when your car skids on the ice: Steer into the skid. Barney turns this into a "why to play laser tag with Barney" moment, and everyone rolls their eyes.
Marshall's phone rings. It's his dad, reading a book about "26" home improvement shortcuts. But Marshall won't answer. Ted and Barney wonder why, since Marshall tells his dad everything. But Marshall says he only likes to tell his dad good news, because it helps make it real. Cut to him telling his dad about a bunch of good things and his dad screaming in happiness: He's getting married! He passed the bar! He found an awesome Viking lamp! He found someone who could fix it! Marshall doesn't know how to tell his dad that he might not be able to give him a grandchild. Barney shows him how: Give him the good news (he's a laser tag champion), then the bad (my sperm don't work). He says his dad will totally focus on the laser tag thing.
day, Ted's reading a book about the "25" greatest bridges when Robin comes in after her third day of work. And, guess what? She raspberries and thumbs-down again. Cut to her talking about a fertilizer story and Sandy cutting her off: "Is Sherpoopy pitching a story about manure?" What's with all the manure this week, anyway? First on Desperate Housewives, and now here. Is it like network television's version of the Rae Dawn Chong Challenge? And do I win for noticing? One of the guys who laughs at Sandy's joke is reading a sports magazine about the greatest player in basketball, whose jersey number is "24." Robin says they've all had a few slips in their career, and Sandy's ears perk up: "A few?" She tries to say it was just the one, but Sandy's people dig up everything, including the Robin Sparkles stuff, some familiar clips that say she's on channels "23" and "22," her incontinence commercial, and a video of an owl attacking Robin (which Ted's never even seen, much to his chagrin). Robin tells Ted she can't steer into the skid, because she's already crashed and wishes she'd never taken this job. Saget!Ted says he knew what he had to do for Robin, but first he had to do something for him. He opens his laptop and Googles "owl attack." He starts laughing, but we don't get to see it. Lame.
Marshall's in Dr. Stangel's office, freaking out at the possibility that he might not be able to have kids. Dr. Stangel, in front of a daily calendar that's on "21," tells him they won't know until they get a sperm sample. He tells Marshall to go to the room down the hall, which is labeled as private and room "20." A guy comes out and tells Marshall the room's all his. Which is no good, because when Marshall tries to do his business, in front of a rack of nudie mags, one called Nekkid that has a countdown of "19" somethings (I can't read it well, but I think it says "naughty girls"), he keeps picturing the guy who was there before, and all the others. So he can't do it. He asks Dr. Stangel if he can go home, and Stangel says he can if he's back in an hour.
Marshall rushes home, and into their apartment, which is number "18," to find Lily and his parents. Uh-oh. Not exactly conducive to masturbation, although it doesn't seem to stop most teenage boys, I guess. Marshall takes Lily into the kitchen and shows her the cup, labeled "1716," and she gets it. So she flashes her cleavage at him and says she'll keep his parents occupied. She doesn't even really seem to try, though, as Marshall's mom keeps standing outside the bathroom door telling him about her new bathing suit and asking him to just picture it; and his dad keeps standing out there talking about a football player named "Cox."
Ted finds Robin eating BRAN STIX cereal, with "15" essential vitamins. Ted says he did a bad thing last night, and went to "his" house. Robin: "Who?" Ted laughs because "hoo" reminded him of the owl footage. Anyway, he went to Sandy's to get him to listen to common sense and reasonable discourse. Robin hopes those aren't the names of his fists, but Ted says they're his feet; he's more of a kicker. Ted arrives, and Sandy answers his door, labeled "1413," with a bald head and an S&M scene going on behind him involving a bear in a bra and some leathered-up folks. Ted snaps a picture (Sandy smiles automatically), which Robin's delighted about because no one knows Sandy wears a toupee. Ted isn't sure she noticed the shit doing down behind Sandy, but Robin says he's actually very open about that weirdness, but not his bald head. Ted tells Robin his new advice is not to steer into the skid. It's to steer into Sandy and run him down. That is a philosophy I can get behind.
Back at Lily and Marshall's, his mom's still going on about her bathing suit, then asks if he's coming to Florida this summer, all "Are you coming? Are you coming?" Marshall tries to leave, and his dad asks where he's going. He won't say, so Lily butts in: "He's going to masturbate." Which opens the door for Marshall to tell his mom and dad everything, with a "12" Days of Christmas card or book or something behind him. Marshall's parents tell him they love him no matter what -- no baby, adopted baby, whatever. They even suggest Ted as a donor, which is hilariously dismissed. Then they send him back in to the bathroom to "blow dry his hair." Marshall wonders how they knew, and his mom points out they didn't have a hair dryer.
The day, Robin comes home from work as Ted's reading a book about America's "11" greatest water towers. I know: WTF. [I love that Ted reads a boring architecture (kinda?) book like that, but the use of books and magazines in the countdown is getting old. - Z] He asks if it was Robin's last day at work, but she says it was actually good. Cut to Sandy making a mall joke and calling Robin "Sparkles." She says she has something they'll all want to see, and reaches to pull out what we think will be the toupee-less Sandy photo. But she says she didn't want to attack someone out of the blue like some kind of... Ted interjects: "Owl?" Robin: "Exactly." Instead, she says, she took Ted's advice and steered into the skid. Cut back to work, where she pulls out her Robin Sparkles acid-wash denim jacket, which now has a number "10" patch on the arm. Saget!Ted says she never shook the nickname, but Sparkles went on to do great things at World Wide News, especially after some other guy spilled a cup of coffee on himself and they all died laughing.
Marshall's back at Dr. Stangel's to get his news. The doctor, who has a folder with a giant "9" on it, tells him he has bad news: It's very unlikely Marshall will be able to father a child. Marshall gets upset, and Dr. Stangel tells him that a regimen change could change things if he does some cardio, preferably with a partner and a firearm-based activity. Marshall pulls off Barney's beard. Meanest trick ever. Dr. Stangel comes in (we see they're in room number "8") and forces Barney out, but not before Barney asks what the receptionist's situation is. The real Dr. Stangel tells Marshall his sperm is fine. Cut to MacLaren's, where Marshall opens a bottle of Champagne with a "7" on it (so maybe it's Seagram's 7?) to celebrate with the gang (minus Lily). Cut back to Dr. Stangel, who turns Barney's "9" folder into a "6" as he turns it over and tosses it into the trash. He tells Marshall his sperm is very strong. At the bar, Barney gives Marshall a "motility 5," the most subtle of all the numbers in this countdown.
Marshall's apparently lost his phone (though I think this would have worked better if they'd shown us that), so he asks to borrow Ted's to call his dad. Cut back to Marshall leaving Dr. Stangel's office, stopping in front of a "4" layers of the uterus poster to tell him this is great because he was really expecting bad news. Back at MacLaren's, Marshall walks outside, smiling giddily, dialing, past a neon sign that says MacLaren's is open till "3." He dials, and there's no answer. Just a clock his dad's been working on pointing to "2" in his shop. Marshall's still smiling when a cab pulls up with its light on. It's cab number "0001," of course. Lily gets out, and Marshall tells her how glad he is she's here, and can she believe the great news? But then he notices what we already did: Lily's crying. She tells him that something's happened: His father had a heart attack and didn't make it. Marshall's like, "My dad's dead?" And that's the one line that's too on the nose for me here. Because both of their faces and tears seem so real, then they hug and he tells her he's not ready for this as he breaks into a sob.
So, obviously, the countdown was to the episode's "Bad News": Marshall's dad's death. But why? Just so they could prove they can? Honestly, if they wanted to do it, I think they could have done it better. Those double numbers and big obvious ones left a lot to be desired. The rest of the episode, on the other hand, did not. Great emotional buildup, suspense, red herrings, and then payoff. Not that it's happy. But, come on, this show has been all about these people going from twentysomething carefree singles to responsible adults. You can't really do that with a gang of five without a parental death, can you? But it's so sad we won't see Dauber again. I loved that character, and the dynamic between him and Marshall. Oh, who am I kidding? This show flashes back and forward and sideways and upside-down so often, we're sure to see him plenty.
Discuss this episode in our forums, add Mermaid Theory to our HIMYM dictionary, then see why our vlogger thinks HIMYM is the new Friends, below.
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, didn't realize this show could make her all teary. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.