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Marshall and Lily find out they're pregnant to start the episode off, but since we already know the episode is called "False Positive," let's skip ahead to the part where they're, you know, not really pregnant. Basically they're relieved, because for the thirty-six hours they thought they were pregnant, they freaked the hell out. Their friends, on the other hand, started contemplating what they were doing with their lives. This led Robin to take a low-paying research job at World Wide News (the company she New Year's Resolved to work for in January 2010) instead of becoming the latest Coin Flip Bimbo for the brilliant Alex Trebek-hosted Million Dollar Heads or Tails. Honestly, with Minute to Win It constantly promoted, Million Dollar Heads or Tails might as well exist. Barney decides to give his bonus-check to charity (not Charity, the stripper) instead of buying a diamond-pin-striped suit. However, Marshall and Lily find out the false positive and text the gang right as Robin's about to decline the job with Alex Trebek and Barney's about to write a ginormous check to Sam Gibbs's (that's his half-brother's father, remember?) church. ...
So they both change their minds, and show up to watch the movie with Ted, all coin-flipping and diamond-suited up. When Marshall and Lily show up, they're glowing and happy, until Ted asks what the hell, since he assumed they'd be devastated. They admit it's sort of a relief since they were freaking out, and now they'll probably just go ahead and get a dog instead. Ted mans up and yells at them, telling them to get home and have some sex and make another false pregnancy. They do it. Then he yells at Barney to give the suit back and give the money to charity (not the stripper). Barney protests until Ted yells loudly to all the city's criminals to come and get some diamond suit wealth. Then he runs off to return it, and gives a giant check to Sam Gibbs, along with a bunch of suits for the needy. Finally, Ted yells at Robin to take the job at the company she wants to work for instead of the bimbo job that makes her feel pretty. She does it, too, and gets the ID badge she's always wanted.
Ted's ability to yell at his friends during their mini-crises (he even yells at Punchy that he is going to get married, because he loves her) convinces Robin that Ted's ready to be the best man, and she asks him to be hers someday, if she ever gets married and it's not to him. He agrees. Which opens the door for that season-opening wedding to be hers instead of Punchy's.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!We open on Lily and Marshall reading a pregnancy test, and it's positive. They freak out, all happy, then rush over to tell the gang at Ted and Robin's. Barney, running out: "I've never seen that woman before in my life!" Then he comes back and apologizes: "Force of habit." At MacLaren's, they all toast to Lily, and comment on how peaceful they both look. Marshall says he's never been happier and can't imagine anything bringing him down. Cut to a doctor: "You're not pregnant." Then Marshall (who's sitting with Lily in matching track suits) says, "Well, that did it."
Boppy opening theme.
And then Saget!Ted tells us, his kids, about the 36 hours Lily and Marshall thought they were pregnant, causing each of them all to rethink their own lives. For Ted, it was also because he was on the phone with Punchy, trying to be a best man by telling him how they'll totally crush the flower arrangements. Punchy and Ted get all worked up about the flowers like they're talking about beer, sports or boobs. Worst best man ever? Possibly. Ted hangs up and tells Robin he knows she's thinking: "I wish I were a dude." Robin: "I do wish you were a dude." But he says she totally wants him as her best man. Robin's all, "Uh, nuh-uh." Because a best man is not supposed to crush floral arrangements; he's supposed to make sure the nervous groom (and they all are) goes through with it. Ted reminds her he's done this already, with Lily and Marshall. Robin reminds him what a disaster that was, with the head-shaving and all. Not that that was his fault, but I get her point: As best man, Ted should have saved Marshall from himself. She tells him he's 0 for 1, despite his toast.
Ted's not going to take this crap from someone who recorded seven episodes of Million Dollar Heads or Tails. Cut to Alex Trebek asking a guy to flip a coin for a million dollars, which is as silly as you'd think, but also somehow funny. Ted asks why Robin's obsessed with this show all of a sudden, and she says it turns out Million Dollar Heads or Tails has a job opening. The coin flip girl flips her coin right into Alex's eye, and Robin says that they're looking for a new "currency rotation specialist." Ted asks if she means "coin-flip bimbo," and she gets defensive. He asks if she auditioned. Cut to her flipping a coin over and over for a monocular Trebek, who loves her, AND SHE'S CANADIAN?! She's hired. Ted's disgusted, and reminds her of her New Year's resolution to work for World Wide News. She swore she'd be wearing a WWN badge around her neck by that time year. Robin says World Wide News only offered her a boring, low-paying, off-camera research job, which Ted thinks could be a stepping stone for her career. Robin says that so could being the currency rotation specialist, because the last one went on to become a "semi-finalist" on The Bachelor, and then lost a hundred pounds on The Biggest Loser, and is now totally winning Celebrity Rehab. It's so out-of-character for Robin to think any of that is awesome, but apparently the writers of this show have gone nuts for reality TV.
Saget!Ted says it seemed there was no changing Robin's mind, but in a few minutes there whole world would be turned upside-down. The scene starts fast-forwarding through Barney coming in and talking, showing them something in a magazine, and cuts right to Marshall and Lily coming in with the pregnancy news. Robin and Ted hug them. Barney jumps up to run away. Zoom in on Robin, who starts thinking about what she's doing with her life: In her brain, she even calls herself a "coin flip bimbo" and thinks about how very single she is. Then she decides to take the job at World Wide News. The day at MacLaren's, Saget!Ted tells us they had two things to celebrate. She shows up to the scene from earlier where everyone tells Marshall and Lily how happy they look, and tells them they're looking at the new associate researcher at World Wide News. Ted asks what changed her mind, and she says it's the baby. She doesn't want to be "sad aunt Robin, the aging coin-flip bimbo who gives her the creeps." She wants to be "cool aunt Robin, the respected journalist who gives her beer." Lily: "What?" Robin: "What?" Then she tells them how peaceful they look, and Marshall says they've never been happier.
day, Robin calls Million Dollar Heads or Tails to decline the job offer. When she calls, she's all, "Mr. Trebek?" as if you'd really call the host to turn down a job, but whatevs. She's pretty, so I guess she gets that. At that very moment, Lily and Marshall get the not-pregnancy news and immediately text her: "False Alarm! Not pregnant." Lily starts thinking (and we can hear it) that she shouldn't be getting all up in her head if they're not even pregnant. "That research job sounds hard. And I'm pretty. I'm really, really pretty." Again, not really in character for Robin, but since it's amusing, I can live with it. She keeps the job, apparently, because she meets Ted later outside a movie theater and flips a coin a bunch, even giddily calling herself the new coin-flip bimbo. Ted, holding a gingerbread house, looks disgusted.
After a commercial break (do you want to be on Survivor? Me neither.), Ted asks what the hell is wrong with her, changing her mind again, after a New Year's resolution and everything! We all know they are totally binding. She gives him some line about also saying she'd never make out with a garbage man, but life happens. Then she changes the subject to his gingerbread house. He acts like it's obvious: "We're seeing a Christmas movie. It's a Christmas-themed movie snack." [...Which he will not be allowed to bring into the theater. - Zach] She hopes Santa brings Ted a girlfriend this year. He grumbles, then wonders where the hell Barney is.
That's Saget!Ted's cue to back us up yet again. Because while Marshall and Lily are taking that pregnancy test and Robin was flipping a coin about her career with Ted, Barney busts in (which we fast-forwarded through last time) and asks Robin and Ted what is his second-favorite word that begins with B-O-N. (Presumably his favorite is "bone"?) ["Boner"? - Z] Ted guesses "Bon Jovi," which is correct, so Barney changes the question to what is his third favorite? Then he answers for himself: Bonus, as in his year-end bonus check. He shows it to Ted, who is shocked. He reminds Barney he also works for GNB, and all he got was a $15 gift card to Costa Coffee. (Hopefully he can redeem it online since it's a U.K. company. Wouldn't it be more convenient if it were in Boston or something?) Barney tells Ted he earned it, then he shows them what he's going to use his bonus on: A diamond-pin-striped suit, "The DiBiase," which he says is "the uppest a person could ever suit."
Ted asks him if it's occurred to him to give some to charity and Barney scoffs. He says he's "Mister Charity. I frequently sleep with sixes, chubsters, over-30s... I am the Bill and Melinda Gates of the sympathy bang." [Although we've seen him run away in terror from over-30s before. - Z] Then Marshall and Lily come in to make their big announcement, which Ted guesses is a giant bonus check, but Marshall says he just got a $30 gift certificate to Costa Coffee. Ted: "Thirty?!" Then Lily announces the pregnancy, and excitement ensues again: Barney tries to run away, the others hug, and when Barney comes back from running away, he starts thinking about how this is making him less happy about the bonus, and he's still single. Which at least he has going for him. He wonders what he's doing with his life.
Cut to the peaceful, happy scene at MacLaren's, where Marshall says he couldn't imagine anything bringing him down. Barney tells him he only thinks he's happy, because tonight is (for the rest of this scene, he totally channels Oprah) "Barney's Favorite Things!" He imagines everyone in the bar screaming and crying about it, but really people just look at him like he's an idiot. So he explains that he's going to give them a bunch of free stuff like Oprah. They still don't get excited, until he starts giving them stuff: velour track suits (which are what Lily and Marshall are wearing at the doctor), remote-control helicopters, condoms (of course), and a fleet of limos are outside waiting to take them to a strip club. Everyone cheers as Barney points out all the people who will be getting lap dances (still channeling Oprah, which is hilarious).
Later, at Ted's, Barney talks about how this has been like a diamond-suit for his soul, so he's taking the rest of his bonus to "God's strip club." Saget!Ted tells us that Barney paid a visit the day to the most charitable man he knew: Sam Gibbs, Wayne Brady's father, who's a reverend in Long Island. Barney shows up at his church and tells him he'd like to give some money to charity. Sam wonders if that's the name of the stripper Barney's been e-mailing about, and he'd like to be taken of that list, please. ("Barney. I'm a minister. Unsubscribe.") But Barney's talking about real charity, and Sam says he has a program that helps people in need get back on their feet, with clothes, job interviews, etc. Barney starts writing a check. He writes a 1 and four zeroes, then gets Lily's text. So he adds a decimal point and gives Sam the check for one hundred dollars. Sam thinks that's great. But when Barney shows up in a diamond suit at the movie, Ted clearly doesn't. And then Barney asks Ted to spot him for the movie, because he doesn't like to carry a lot of cash on him.
After more commercials, Ted again gets to ask what happened to a plan. Barney tells him that was back when Lily was having the baby, duh. Then he, in his glittery suit, tells Ted he looks ridiculous with his gingerbread house, and what's up with that? Ted's clearly annoyed no one's into his Christmas-themed snack. Barney makes a disgusting joke about a gingerbread house -- something about cutting a hole in the floor and her reaching in for the tree. Barney asks where Marshall and Lily are.
So Saget!Ted cuts us back again to them finding out they're pregnant, being blissful for about two seconds, then heading to tell the gang. While there, they start having freak-out thoughts, and can hear each other's, of course. But the others can't, because they're all up in their own heads with drama. Back at home, they decide to make a list of everything they have to do before the baby comes, and do it all TONIGHT! So they paint the baby's room, learn to knit, read baby books, play classical music for the baby, etc. Covered in paint and crazy, they realize it's time to go meet the gang at MacLaren's to celebrate. They scream that they have to keep it together in front of the gang. Then cut to their moment of peacefulness and Marshall saying he's never been happier. Cut to them screaming some more, in their track suits, about what a nightmare this is and how Lily's accidentally left the iPod on shuffle so the baby's listening to The Jerky Boys instead of classical music. They get in a fight, and realize they don't like this. Marshall says it's like he has a hot, burning ball of stress inside him and nothing will make it go away. Cut to the doctor once again giving them the not-pregnant news. Marshall: "Well, that did it." They pretend to be bummed out for the doctor's sake.
Then they show up at the movie, all cheerful. Ted asks them if they're okay, and they're like, "Why wouldn't we be?" "Oh, the baby thing?" "Yeah, whatever." Then Marshall and Lily totally get Ted's Christmas-themed movie snack, which doesn't even make him happy in his puzzlement over their happiness. He says he thought they'd be devastated, so they tell him they are actually sort of relieved because they were freaking out for a couple days. Now they're not sure if they want a baby, so they might get a dog instead. Robin and Barney love this idea (remember when Robin used to have five dogs?), but Ted throws his gingerbread house on the ground, smashing it into bits. Barney, sad: "Our movie snack." Ted yells at Lily and Marshall about how they cannot let one little freak-out change their plan. He sends them home to have lots of sex and make a baby. Then he yells at Barney to go give the suit back and give the money to charity, and he doesn't mean the stripper Barney keeps e-mailing about. Barney says he can't give the suit back, because he finally glows in the dark. So Ted yells to the criminals of New York about how they could retire on this man's diamond-covered pants. Barney takes off to return the suit. Then Ted yells at Robin about how she didn't move to New York to become a coin-flip bimbo. He flips a coin and either way she has to take the job at World Wide News. So she leaves to call them. Then Punchy calls, in a panic, that he can't get married. Ted yells that he CAN because he loves her, and Punchy agrees. Ted: Mister Fix-It, for the first time ever.
Indie-rock Christmas music plays as Ted buys one ticket to It's A Wonderful Life. Get it? Because it totally is. The music continues for a mini-montage, where Marshall and Lily decide they're ready for this and start to make out, Barney gives Sam a giant check for charity and then a bunch of suits for the needy's job interviews, and Robin gets her World Wide News tour and her ID badge. At home, Robin tells Ted it was cool of him to get them all back on their right paths. Then she tells him that if she gets married, and he's not the guy she's marrying, she'd love him to be her best man. He tells her he'll crush it, and they fist-bump, setting the stage for that season-opening wedding being Robin's, just like everyone wants it to be. But could it also be Barney's?
Tag: In what looks like a PSA, Barney starts in about how much fun we've had tonight, but on a more serious note, this is the time of year to remember the importance of giving. "And, there's no greater gift than the gift of booty. So, this holiday season, why not bang someone in need? I'm Barney Stinson, and that's one to grow on." Cut back to reveal he's actually talking to a girl at MacLaren's. She's like, "Um, no," so he turns to start making the same appeal to another girl.
Discuss this episode in our forums, peruse our HIMYM dictionary, then see why our vlogger thinks HIMYM is the new Friends, below.
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, is glad the show improved almost 100 percent over the episode. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.