Oh, wow. This episode is totally confusing and makes very little sense at all. Not only that, but the "plots" that it "furthers" are tedious and full of plotholes. But I'll give this a shot. So, Ted's invited to go to a boring architecture thing with Zoey and everyone else makes up an excuse not to go (they're all washing Lily's hair, except left-out Barney), leaving Ted and Zoey alone. Lily lays out the rules to him of how he can behave with Zoey (a married woman), as a single male friend. Basically, they can't lie about anything, no candles, and nothing involving saliva. Something like that, but I'll clarify in the weecap. Ted goes, and there is a small lie: Zoey tells the Captain (who it turns out is terrifying, despite his goofy caddishness the only other time we met him) she's with "friends." Then she invites Ted to hang out with both of them to make up for it, but no-shows. Ted spends the rest of the episode on the Captain's boat, afraid the crazy man is going to kill him. (He's not; if he were, he'd have taken Ted to his hunting lodge, duh.) In the end, Ted and Zoey are alone together again, and sparks are beginning to fly. This is our plot development, but we get Saget!Ted's kids and his narration a lot this episode, which just made it obvious that Zoey can't be the mother. If she were, wouldn't Saget!Ted not keep calling her "Zoey" as his kids stare at him blankly?
Elsewhere is the confusing storyline in which Barney and Lily get in a fight. The reason it's so confusing is that Saget!Ted can't remember who is mad at whom, or for what, or when. He ultimately remembers that the fight he's connecting to the rest of the episode actually took place a year later, when Lily is pregnant, so we get a little flash-forward that includes Ted in a green dress (but why? You just know we'll never know). While Lily and Barney fight, Marshall and Robin try to hang out alone and test the Mermaid Theory of the episode's title: It's Barney's theory that if you are around any woman long enough, she will go from being a manatee to a mermaid. That's why Marshall's never hung out alone with Robin: He needs her to remain a big, fat manatee. There's awkward conversation, but then he fills her in, then they drink. Just as she's morphing into a mermaid and he's panicking, she vomits and gets disgusting and manatee-like again. Phew.
Oh, and the Barney-Lily and Marshall-Robin storylines do connect, because the fight Barney and Lily are having ends up being about the Mermaid Theory. Because the only antidote to mermaidism is pregnancy, which is why Barney no longer finds Lily attractive, and why she gets mad and cries that he'd call her a "big, fat manatee." He promises her she'll get hot again just as soon as she starts breast-feeding, because (insert boob- and penis-swelling joke -- you can figure out it out yourselves or wait for the weecap -- here).
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It's hard for me to even contemplate anything resembling a recap of this episode, because it's so... bizarre (and not in a good way) and jumpy and ridiculous. But it is my duty, so I'll try to suffer through. Just don't blame me if the weecap sucks, considering what I have to work with. Anyway, Saget!Ted tells 2030 kid us: "Kids, in the winter of 2010, we had a new addition to our little group: Zoey." I don't know if she's really in the group yet, but way to spoil the ending, Dad!Ted. He fills us in on her husband, the Captain, who you'll recall is Kyle MacLachlan, the sole redeemer of this sucky episode. Zoey gets out of his car, and Kyle talks to the guys from the back seat, window half-down, hair half-grey, all "Have a wonderful time!" The three guys are freaked out, because they find his wish for them to have a wonderful time to be terrifying. Saget!Ted says they couldn't put their finger on what was so freaking freaky about the guy. Until...
The gang (minus Zoey) is eating Chinese in the apartment when Marshall runs in with a giant headshot of the Captain that he snapped last time he dropped off Zoey. He holds a half-headshot-sized cloaking device up to cover the Captain's eyes and nose and says that the Captain's smiling on the lower half. Then he moves the cloaking device down to cover the mouth and says the Captain's top half wants to murder you. The gang (minus Zoey) screams in fear. Smiley mouth and murdery eyes = totally frightening. And this photo of Kyle MacLachlan is crazy-pants. Unfortunately, I can't find it anywhere online or I would show you. They ask the Captain some questions that he either loves or hates based on Marshall's cloaking device responses. When Robin asks if he likes the Jonas Brothers, Marshall cloaks the left half of his face. No one gets it, so Marshall explains: "He hates that he loves them."
The gang (minus Zoey) are still gathered eating Chinese food, and Ted's getting off the phone. He used the duration of the show's opening number to get invited by Zoey to a Frank Lloyd Wright retrospective. He asks who's in, but Lily's, uh, washing her hair; Marshall's, uh, uh, running the water; Robin's, uh, uh, uh, holding the towel; and Barney's pouting that no one invited him to the big hair-washing party. (You won't get this yet, but he wants to be part of it because he sees Lily as a mermaid, and mermaid means hot, or at least doable. Keep up.) Ted says he guesses it will just be him and Zoey, so Lily tells him to tread lightly and follow the rules that a single guy hanging out with a married woman must follow. Rule Number 1 ... "Don't use the husband's condom. That's just rude," says Barney. But Lily scoffs and shares her Rule Number 1: "Don't go anywhere that has candles." Marshall asks the Captain's headshot how he feels about Ted, Zoey, and candles. MURDERY EYES. Rule Number 2: "No sharing food. In fact, anything involving saliva is off-limits: toothbrushes, thermometers, lipstick." Ted makes a joke about how he shouldn't bother going if he can't share her lipstick, but I'm more hung up on Lily thinking lipstick involves saliva; how's she applying it? The most important rule of all is... Barney: "Lubricant is public property." Lily: "No lying to the spouse about anything you do." Ted doesn't get why they'd have to lie; they're just friends.
Marshall says Lily's right about all of this -- you can't be friends with single people of the opposite sex if you're married (which is, I'll point out, the most idiotic thing I have ever heard), but Robin says there's an exception for old friends, which is why she can hang with Marshall. Lily points out they don't ever hang out alone (except, you know, in "Little Minnesota"). They decide to have dinner together, which Lily thinks is "Awww, sweet. NO CANDLES." Barney asks Lily to hang, and Saget!Ted interjects to tell us that Lily's answer insulted every fiber of Barney's being. Lily says, "Nah." Barney gasps, horrified, so Saget!Ted interjects again: "Wait. It had to be more than just 'Nah.' I think she said..." Lily says, "You're a big, stupid octopus head!" Barney gasps some more. Saget!Ted tells his kids this doesn't make sense, then tries to remember as the kids and the gang (minus Zoey) wait for him to remember. He says it was twenty years ago, but he'll remember at some point. He'll get back to that. Unfortunately.
MacLaren's the night. Ted comes in and tells Lily she was right about Zoey; something weird happened. Cut to the retrospective, where Zoey gets a call and says it's the Captain (she says yes, she calls him that, but it's the only concession she makes to his seafaring ways, then answers her call, "Ahoy!"). She answers and tells him she's out with "friends," then Ted asks why she said that. She says she just didn't want the Captain to worry and asks if that's okay. Ted says it is, but the gang (minus Zoey) says it is so not. Barney tells Lily to shut it, because she lies to her spouse all the time: "That shirt looks great on you." "I love your mom." "I never fantasize about Barney when we're doing it." Marshall asks Lily, sad, "What's wrong with this shirt?" Ted wonders if he has to stop hanging out with Zoey, but Lily says he's okay if he just hangs out with them together. Ted says he does have a standing invitation to go out on the boat, so Lily says once he makes nice with Captain Crazy, problem's solved.
And yet the night, Marshall and Robin are at dinner together. Alone. No candles, though the place does look nice and very TV-date-like. They talk about three things: cold weather, sports and cold-weather sports. They're done in 16 seconds, and both start thinking about how awkward this is and then their eyes start twitching, for no reason. It doesn't have to make sense, y'all; it's a comedy! Or something. They order lots of drinks.
That same night, Saget!Ted tells us, Barney and Lily were still fighting about, "Um, something. Or was it that other thing?" Lily finds Barney pigging out at MacLaren's, and he tells her to save it, because he's still mad at her about... you guessed it... "something. Or that other thing." Lily tells him to face it; he's been extra-sensitive lately. He starts crying that he hasn't, asks how she could even say that, and walks off. A motorcycle drives by and Lily pulls him back, saving him. Before you can say, "A motorcycle in MacLaren's? What the...?" Saget!Ted interjects: "Wait! They were on the street." Now Barney has an ice cream cone when Lily pulls him out of danger. Then he tells her she saved him. "You saved us," he adds about him and the cone. He tells her he knows she didn't mean ... whatever it was that made him so mad. Lily thinks she probably didn't. They hug and make up, and Saget!Ted starts to blab about friendship, and also that Lily can't resist getting one last shot in, which we don't hear. Barney: GASP! Saget!Ted changes his story: "The fight was just getting started."
Seafaring music as Ted joins the Captain on his boat. Ted asks where Zoey is, but the Captain says it looks like it's just "you, me, and six hours in frigid international waters." Ted would like to stay on shore, near witnesses, but the Captain laughs and says he's been looking forward to this for a very long time. He moves up and down in a shadow to show smiley mouth, then murdery eyes for the two halves of that sentence. Saget!Ted tells his kids what he does remember is that he was pretty sure he was going to die that night. Which might at least make this episode interesting.
Robin and Marshall's dinner of boredom and awkwardness. Silence. Chewing food. Boredom. Then he tells her about the Mermaid Theory (not that this isn't still boring, mind you). Flash to two years ago, when Marshall had just hired an ugly assistant named Iris. Marshall admits to Barney that she's a little plain, but says he's married, so that's good. Barney tells him that someday Marshall will find her so excruciatingly attractive he won't be able to look her in the boobs. Whatever that means. Marshall watches Iris pick her teeth and assures Barney that won't happen. Fake-flash to Barney's story about how the myth of the mermaids came to be. Fake-pirate Marshall and fake-pirate Barney are on a boat for so long that they see a manatee through their scope that starts to look like a beautiful mermaid (in case you had any doubt about this story's accuracy, you should). Pirate Barney wants to go get some "tail," so he bumps his hook hand to Marshall's fist. Back in Marshall's office, Barney assures Marshall that every woman has a mermaid clock: the time it takes for a man to realize he wants to bone a manatee. Back at the restaurant, Marshall says it took a year, three months, and sixteen days, but then Iris was a mermaid. And Barney was there waiting, to rub it in and ask for the five hundred bucks they never bet. Robin asks if she's a manatee right now, and Marshall says she is. Because the producers of this show made her put on a manatee suit, which is ridiculous. He says she must stay a manatee, since she's Lily's best friend, and she says it's a stupid theory. Marshall tells Robin that being out at sea can do crazy things to a man...
Which brings us back to sea, where the Captain is showing Ted just how far out and isolated they are by screaming that he's trapped at sea with a madman and showing Ted the lack of response. Then he laughs because it's all a fun joke. Then he gets serious and tells Ted he notices he's been spending a lot of time with Zoey. Ted screams for help internally.
MacLaren's. Barney's chowing down on some onion rings when Lily comes back and says: "Seriously? I step away for five seconds and you eat all my onion rings? No surprise there." Barney asks what that means; is she calling him fat? He cries, "If there is one thing you never do, it's call a woman fat right to her face." Astute Saget!Ted realizes Barney's not a woman, and then remembers that it wasn't Barney hurt by Lily, but Lily hurt by Barney. Cut back to Lily asking Barney to hang and him replying "Nah." Lily: GASP! Then Barney saves Lily and her ice cream come from getting hit by a motorcycle. Then she's the one who cries that if there's one thing you never do, it's call a woman fat to her face. Saget!Ted tells his bored kids he's on track now and this should all make sense. (Warning: Don't count on it.) Back at MacLaren's, Barney tells her he's sorry, then asks if she wants to see a magic trick. He sets a beer bottle in the air in front of her, where it levitates, which makes no sense. Which Saget!Ted admits. He says he'll never remember this story, and "I'm sorry for wasting your time." Then stop now, please. Please?
On the boat, Ted's using his phone and asks what their exact nautical coordinates are, when the Captain hits Ted's phone into the water with his harpoon (that's right; I said "harpoon"). The Captain tells Ted his phone's gone forever, then goes through the pain and misery the phone is going through as it falls to its icy resting place on the bottom of the ocean, where no one will ever find it. "Can you hear me now? No, because you're on the bottom of the sea." Ted says he has a busy morning, but the Captain says he has something for him and heads into the house part of the boat. (What? I don't know anything about boats.) Ted gets up on the ledge, realizing he's going to have to swim for his life (in the freezing water), when the Captain returns with Scotch, which Zoey told him was Ted's favorite, so he bought this special. Saget!Ted says that just as he realized he wasn't in danger, they hit a bump. Splash! The Captain: "Ted?"
Marshall and Robin are still at the most boring dinner in the history of the world. And they are still talking about the Mermaid Theory. She doesn't believe she'll go from being manatee to mermaid, but he says it always happens. She asks if there's a way to un-mermaid her if it does happen, and he says he asked Barney the same thing. Cut to that conversation. Barney says that once mermaidified, there's only one way for a woman to go back to manatee city ("where the grass ain't green and the girls ain't pretty"), and it's pretty gruesome. Marshall guesses death, but it's pregnancy. Then Marshall spells it out for Robin: "Once a mermaid gets pregnant, she becomes a manatee again. I never thought I'd say that sentence."
Saget!Ted finally remembers that this is what Barney and Lily were fighting about: the Mermaid Theory. But their argument didn't happen at the same time as this other stuff; he's literally in the wrong year. It happened "much, much later," when Lily was pregnant. Cut back to Barney asking Lily to hang, and she says "Nah." Her reason is that he always undresses her with his eyes, so he assures her that won't happen: "Ever since you got pregnant, you're just a big, fat manatee." Lily: GASP! "You're a big, stupid octopus face!" Saget!Ted's so proud he remembers now. Then Barney saves Lily from the motorcycle, and she thanks him for saving her and the baby she's carrying. Then Lily cries about him calling her fat right to her face, and he sets the beer bottle on her pregnant belly. She gets up to leave, because he's a jerk, but he follows her and tells her that there's an addendum: A mermaid who's become a manatee can be a mermaid again through one simple act: breast-feeding. "Hot!" She's sort of excited: "Really?" He says that when those things swell up to three times their normal size, so does he. Lily gushes that that's so sweet! Then Ted walks in in a green dress and says, "Now we're even." Saget!Ted says that's the ending to a whole other story. "We'll get there." Although I doubt we really will.
Back on the boat, wet Ted is back on board with the Captain, who can't believe Ted thought he'd kill him. He says if he wanted to kill him, he'd invite him to his hunting lodge, which is far more remote and he wouldn't turn up in a nosy fisherman's net. Ted says it's stuff like that, and asks why he talks like that. The Captain says he's just jesting, because he doesn't always bond with Zoey's younger friends, but he knows Zoey really likes Ted, so he was hoping they can be buddies. Ted says they can, but not on a boat. The Captain: "Fair enough. The hunting lodge it is." Ted: FEAR.
Marshall and Robin are arriving back at her and Ted's place, all drunk and sloppy, talking about how much fun they had. Saget!Ted says that Marshall's beer goggles kicked in and he started to see... We see Marshall's vision of Robin the manatee sprouting blonde hair and a seashell bra. Then she vomits, and says he must think she's totally disgusting. He happily tells her he really does. Saget!Ted says they were friends forever after that, and he never worried about her becoming a mermaid again. Zoey meets up with Ted at MacLaren's and admits she wasn't really sick, just feeling guilty that she'd lied to the Captain, so she thought it would be good for them to spend some time together. Ted says that's okay and she was right, because the Captain's a good guy, though he can be a little scary. She says he gets a little "murdery" when he's nervous. Ted: "Yeah. He's a creepy dude." Zoey looks a little offended, so Ted adds, "But I like him." She laughs. Ted wants to make sure their hanging out doesn't cross any lines, and she agrees. He says that if either of them had the slightest feelings for each other, they shouldn't hang out. He asks if she does, and she says no; does he? He says no. Then the camera pans out and the mermaid clock starts ticking.
The tag is a fake scene of pirate Marshall starting to see pirate Barney as a mermaid. It's been a long, long time at sea.
Discuss this episode in our forums, add Mermaid Theory to our HIMYM dictionary, then see why our vlogger thinks HIMYM is the new Friends, below.
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DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, hopes she hallucinated this episode. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.