Barney gets five tickets for a Robots vs. Wrestlers match. Robin's not going, because she's making herself scarce while she explores her relationship with Don, but everyone else is game. The only problem is, the gang has the opportunity to crash a swanky Manhattan party on the same night as the match. They decide to do both.
Ted seems to be in his element at the shindig, where he mixes and mingles with the glitterati, including Peter Bogdanovich, Arianna Huffington and Will Shortz. They like Ted. They really, really like him. They like his architecture discussion, his Dante recitation and his barbershop quartet harmonization. And he's enjoying the hell out of himself. This makes him a douche because... well, because the show says it does. Clearly, you're a douche if you don't get that. I'm a douche if I don't like that fact.
Ted's friends sneer at everything that makes Ted -- Ted, and express their disdain by making fart noises every time he talks about things that interest him. Where are the fart noises every other week when Barney talks about his dick? At any rate, Ted decides to remain at the party, while Marshall, Lily and Barney continue on to the match.
Once there, Barney spends the entire night worrying that everything is changing too much, and everyone's going to leave him. Yes Barn, but the syphilis will have hit your brain by then, so you won't mind so much. Anyhow, Lily and Marshall's "When will we have a baby" discussion doesn't help matters. But then all's right with the world when the robot rips off the human wrestler's mask to reveal he looks just like Ted, but "Mexican." My niece is "Mexican." She looks nothing like either Ted. The downsized gang is overjoyed to have found another doppelganger. If you'll recall, they had previously found doppelgangers of Robin (a "lesbian" -- you can tell by the way she dresses, don't you know), Marshall (Mustache Marshall -- another Latino) and Lily (a stripper). Once these dear, devoted friends send Ted a picture of Mexican Ted, he realizes he was wrong, bad, wrong to have fun with people who are interested in him for who he is, and runs back to the gang at the bar. And then Robin joins them, because... because... because nobody bothers telling us the because. Finally, Lily and Marshall decide that once they find Barney's doppelganger, they'll be ready to start trying to have a baby. Because babies always make TV shows better.
I'll hit all the details the weecap, so check back tomorrow. In the meantime, come on over to the forums, where we have more vowels than Ulee's Gold and more condoms than Trojan.
After hitting up the forums, see why we think HIMYM should have quit while it was ahead.
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We open on Lily, Marshall and Ted sitting at their booth at MacLaren's, when Barney enters to surprise them with 5 front row tickets to "Robots vs. Wrestlers." Marshall and Ted can't believe it. Barney: "You've heard of Robots vs. Wrestlers?" Marshall: "Never." Ted: "But we assume it's some sort of sporting event that pits ROBOTS against WRESTLERS." Barney: "THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT IS... according to the website." Lily then calls attention to the 5th ticket -- asking who it's for. Barney acknowledges that Robin decided to stop hanging with them to concentrate on her relationship with Don. "But this is Robots. Versus Wrestlers!" Marshall says it's impossible to say no to that and we cut to...
Come On, Get Up New York Set: Robin is speaking on the phone at the anchor desk: "No to that." She has plans: Don's making her Chinese. Lily (on the Dowisetrepla couch): "I'll assume you're talking about food, otherwise I have some follow-up questions." Robin apologizes but she has to give "this thing" with Don a chance, and going out drinking every night with a gang that includes two of her exes doesn't seem like enough of chance. Lily understands. They end their call, and Robin turns to the camera. "Sorry, New York. I had to take that. Now where were we? Oh, right. Bus crash." Come On, Shut Up Robin. Seriously, Show? Lily can't get her ass out of bed to watch Robin's show, but she's up to call into it with a personal question, while it's on? And Robin -- the Robin that hated Don before he sprouted a bunny tail or duck feathers or whatever -- remember her, Show? Robin held Don in contempt because he didn't care about the show -- you know, like HIMYM's writers in season 5. Now she's chatting on the phone to a friend about her current beau, her exes and drinking every night, and she's doing this while on the air? Whatever.
MacLaren's: Barney can't believe Robin said "No" to their most important group tradition. Lily points out they've never gone before, so how can it be a tradition. Barney's response: "It's Robots vs. Wrestlers, Lily." Barney's disheartened. He says this is how it starts -- friend drift, that is. The thing they know, Lily and Marshall will be having a baby. Lily assures him that's a long way down the road. Marshall corrects her. "It's down the road, in a medium way." They barter back and forth for a while. Finally, Ted breaks in and tells Barney he understands: friendships are important. "In fact, Emerson wrote a great poem entitled 'Friendship'. You guys are going to love this.: A ruddy drop of manly blood/The surging sea outweighs." Barney makes what I was going to describe as a "raspberry," but the show later calls it a fart noise, so why should I be any nicer? Marshall and Lily laugh as Saget!Ted narrates from the future that that's how it had always been for him with his friends. "Anytime I try to get a little high-minded..." We flash to...
Ted's Apartment; Past: He raves about a new bottle of Syrah. "Hints of crème de cassis, red berries, toasty oak..." and fart noises. Another time, as Marshall and Lily are cooking, Ted's hanging in the kitchen with them, doing a crossword puzzle. "Hmm, five letters, '[blank] baritone.' Oh, of course -- lyric baritone, which is actually higher than a dramatic baritone! You know, there's a telling..." Lily makes a fart noise.
MacLaren's; Present: Ted says, "I'm just trying to add a little class to these proceedings. It's like that line from Dante's Inferno..." Marshall makes a fart noise. Ted continues: "'Consider your origins. You were not born to live like brutes'." Lily: fart noise. Ted: "'But to follow virtue and knowledge'." Barney: fart noise. Ted doesn't let it stop him. He arises and starts reciting from the original Italian. The gang becomes a fart noise chorus. I take out my gun and check for bullets.
Theme Song.
No, I'm not doing a theme song this week (and don't you put one in there, Z). I'm making a statement, dammit.
The Robinless gang is hanging at Ted's. Barney tries to convince himself that he's overreacting to the Robin situation, but then when he sees a pretty little envelope among Ted's mail, he freaks out, thinking it's a wedding invitation. The thing is, it's not for the guys. It's for Marissa Heller -- the woman who lived in the apartment before Ted and Marshall. They've been getting her mail on and off for 10 years: golf magazines, wicker furniture catalogues, bird store coupons. Over the years they've gotten a pretty good picture of Ms. Heller. The only thing they don't know is what she looks like.
At first, Ted pretends that he's going to do the right thing and forward the invitation on, but the moment Lily tells him to open it he does. It's an invitation to Jefferson Van Smoot's Annual Spring Social, in the penthouse apartment of The Alberta, this Saturday night. [Less than a week's notice for an annual society event? Sloppy. - Zach] Ted's over the moon as he explains that the Alberta is the most beautiful building in Manhattan. I searched for it, but the first interesting hit I got was for Project Alberta, which was part of the Manhattan Project; since that's more representative of my feelings about this season, I do believe my search has ended. Anyhow, Ted says the gang has to go to the party, even though it conflicts with Robots vs. Wrestlers. He's the only one who's interested, until he points out that there'll be an open bar. Barney revises the agenda: party, then Robots vs. Wrestlers. "One of us just needs to pretend to be Marissa Heller. Oh hai thar Lily.
The Alberta; Saturday night: Ted is raving about the architecture when Lily interrupts. "I just got a text from Robin. It says... [fart noise]." They guys send Lily up to the front desk with a reminder not to do any accents. Maybe someone should have told her NOT TO WEAR LEGGINGS IN LIEU OF PANTS. That's what she's doing there, right? She makes a last-ditch appeal to the guys for her very bad Cockney accent, but it's a n- go. As Lily reaches the desk, another woman approaches, so Lily lets her go first. The woman, played by Darby Stanchfield (Helen Bishop, Mad Men; April Green, Jericho) is, of course, the real Marissa Heller. Lily: "Bollocks." Commercial.
While Marissa waits for the elevator, Barney moves in on her, pretending they've met at a gathering for bird owners. Marissa doesn't think so. Barney: "Wicker lovers?" Marissa: "No." Barney: "Stinson out." He retreats to the gang, and says it's a no-go, but Ted's all "put me in, coach, I'm ready to play." He approaches Marissa and starts talking about the elevator mechanism and Louis Lamar Skolnick, the Alberta's architect. Heller's another Skolnick fan (heh), and the pair quickly gets into a discussion of his work. Across the way, Barney prepares his fart noise, but Lily stops him. "It's working!" Then Ted confesses to Marissa that they're not on the guest list, but he's always wanted to see the inside of the Alberta. Marissa is charmed and tells the man at the desk that the gang is with her.
Inside the elevator, Lily -- out of the blue -- starts asking about The Young & The Restless; in a flashback, we see Lily reading Soap Opera Illustrated magazine, which was intended for Marissa Heller. Back in the present, when no one responds to her prompting, Lily shoots a pointed look at Marissa. "Am I to understand there isn't a single soap opera fan in this entire elevator?" Marissa: "I don't own a TV. The only operas I watch are at the Met." Barney rolls his eyes. Lily flares her nostrils. Marshall cringes. Ted is in ecstasy. He whispers in Lily's ear: "Dibs."
Party: Michael York plays Jefferson Van Smoot. [Naturally. It's pretty much the same character he played in an episode of Criminal Intent. - Z] Marissa goes off to greet him, leaving her foundlings to ogle the party glitterati. Marshall, in an untucked shirt and jeans, realizes he's underdressed. Barney's assessment of the shindig? "One word, made up: Douchepocalypse." Lily nods in agreement, but Ted's the proverbial douche shopper at a Massengill factory outlet. Among the notable guests are Peter Bogdanovich, Arianna Huffington and Will Shortz (editor of the NYT crossword). Ted begs the gang to give the party, free food and free booze a chance. "Twenty minutes, then we can leave."
The hoity-toity like Ted. They really, really like him. They like his architecture discussion, his Dante recitation and his barbershop quartet harmonization. And he's enjoying the hell out of himself. This makes them and him douches because...well, because the show says it does. Clearly, you're a douche if you don't get that. Clearly, I'm a douche if I don't like that fact. Fart noise.
Marshall passes on the smoked foie gras appetizers because he's Marshall. He'd like something in the mini-cheeseburger department. "Any food at all that will make me feel like a giant?" Oh, fart noise. YOU ALREADY ARE A GIANT, MARSHALL. Lily turns up her nose at the goodies, too. Pity the writers have never watched their own show -- BECAUSE IF THEY HAD, THEY'D REALIZE THAT LILY IS A NOTORIOUS FOODIE. Double fart noise.
Barney selects a random target and tries to convince her he's performing open-heart surgery on the Dutch Ambassador in the morning. "I hope he pulls through." The woman is not at all taken in. She notes that her colleague just prescribed blood-thinners for the Dutch Ambassador. "There's no way she'd be on anti-coagulants if she were about to undergo surgery." I don't know who she is, but I love her and want Ted to marry her, this moment, so she can keep Barney in check for the rest of his life.
Meanwhile, Marshall tries to join Bogdanovich's film conversation. But while old Petey is saying things like, "Film is an auteur's medium -- full stop," Columbia-educated Marshall's opening volley is, "Movies, right?" His shot -- a discussion of actors. "Funny thing about Willem Dafoe -- uh, his name kinda sounds like a frog talking to a parrot." A beat. "...Willem. DAFOOOOOE. Willem. DAFOOOOOE." Bogdanovich stares up at Marshall and we cut to...
Barney. He's trying to make time with Arianna Huffington by convincing her he was under-secretary of the treasury. "Now, I wonder if you'd like to join me in the map room and give my package some stimulus." Arianna's voice is soft and sultry. "I'm afraid not, darling. You are too old for my taste." Whee!
He regroups with Marshall and Lily and they decide Ted's 20 minutes are up. They just need to find him. There's a lovely oriental gong behind Marshall, so of course he strikes it." GOOOONNNNNNG. The party falls silent and turns toward Marshall who says, "Gongs, right? They're louder than you think." So the party guests are the robots and our gang are the wrestlers? Um, I don't think so, Show. The "robots" are all having a fine time chatting, eating, drinking and otherwise behaving like adults do at a party. They're not robots at all. They're simply polite. Meanwhile, our friends -- the "real folk," the "salt of the earth" types, have forgotten every single social grace they ever learned. A big-shot banker, a lawyer and a kindergarten teacher lack the self-awareness to be unobtrusive while crashing a party. Only machines are so lacking in self-awareness. They're the robots. They're bad robots. (Hi, Lost fans.) Michael York's Van Smoot does take umbrage at Marshall striking his antique gong in the middle of a party, so that makes him the bad guy. Don't you get it? Fart noise.
Ted brings Will Shortz over to his friends, rambling excitedly that Shortz has confirmed crossword puzzles always use Ulee's Gold as an answer, because of the vowels. This has been mentioned on the show before, but I cannot be arsed to find the link. Ted's friends sneer at everything that makes Ted -- Ted, and they express their disdain by making fart noises every time he talks about things that interest him. I suddenly dislike these people, intensely. I don't think that's how I'm supposed to feel, but it's the result. I mean, where are the fart noises every other week when Barney talks about his dick? At any rate, the gang tells Ted it's time to go, but then Marissa trots up to tell him they'll be blind taste-testing French wines in a few. "It'll be a hoot and a half." Ted: "Well, I decant miss that." After she laughs and goes off to mingle some more, Ted confesses that you don't decant white wine. I don't even know why I'm bothering to tell you any of this. Anyhow, Ted decides to remain at the party, while Marshall, Lily and Barney continue on to the match.
Once at the match, Barney spends the entire night worrying that everything is changing too much, and everyone's going to leave him. Yes Barn, but the syphilis will have hit your brain by then, so you won't mind so much. Anyhow, Lily and Marshall's "When will we have a baby" discussion doesn't help matters. Barney makes a threat, complete with obscene motion, about what he'll do to any daughter they might have the minutes she turns 18. And kids? While I wonder how your father met your mother, the biggest mystery to me right now is why he considers these people his friends. I think I used to know, but Barney's pelvic thrust pushed it right out of my brain. Fart noise brought to you by Smell-o-Vision.
Anyhow, things look up for the asshats, once the robot rips off the human wrestler's mask to reveal he looks just like Ted, but "Mexican." My niece is "Mexican" (that is, she is an American of British Isles mutt descent on our side of the family and Spanish and Mexican descent on the other). She looks nothing like either Ted. So tell me, what do Mexicans look like, Show? On second thought, don't. The downsized gang is overjoyed to have found another doppelganger. If you'll recall, they had previously found doppelgangers of Robin (a "lesbian" -- you can tell by the way she dresses, don't you know), Marshall (Mustache Marshall -- another Latino) and Lily (a stripper). No, I'm not linking. Fart noise.
Ted's reciting Dante's Inferno (in the original Italian) to the convivial crowd, when he starts hoping someone will interrupt him, because he decides he is the biggest douche for... politely entertaining others while doing something he likes. You got that? Look, don't misunderstand me. I fully understand what the show is going for this week. But it just doesn't work for me. There's a douchepocalypse, to be sure, but ground zero is the booth at MacLaren's.
Thankfully, Ted's dear old pals stop him, by sending him a picture of Mexican Ted. He realizes having fun with people who don't denigrate him is no fun at all, so he runs back to the gang at the bar. He does, however, try to recite the poem from the top of the episode again, but Robin shows up out of nowhere and interrupts him with a fart noise. Robin is there, because... because... because nobody bothers telling us the because. Finally, Lily and Marshall decide that once they find Barney's doppelganger, they'll be ready to start trying to have a baby. Because babies always make TV shows better. Saget!Ted narrates that over the years, the friends would drift apart and then back together, like friends do. "But every year, we still get together for Robots vs. Wrestlers." Farty fart fart fart.
End tag: Bogdanovich exits the party. Once he's alone in the elevator, he can't stop saying "...Willem. DAFOOOOOE. Hee.
Well, I for one am all out of fart noises, but do join us week for "The Wedding Bride." I'm off to beg editorial to find a substitute recapper for a week or two, because I need to regain my Zen, don't you agree? Someone will be here, though. Hey, just because I'm a bitter shell of a woman doesn't mean I'm not self-aware. In the meantime, come on over to the forums, where we have more vowels than Ulee's Gold and more condoms than Trojan.
After hitting up the forums, see why we think HIMYM should have quit while it was ahead.
Want to immediately access TWoP content no matter where you are online? Download the free TWoP toolbar for your web browser. Already have a customized toolbar? Then just add our free toolbar app to get updated on our content as soon it's published.