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It's a guest star-fest this week, when Ted takes Judy Greer (Dr. Plimpton! But her name is Royce here) on a date, to a movie called The Wedding Bride, and somehow, inexplicably, doesn't realize until he's watching it that it's a movie based on his relationship with Stella, written by her husband, Tony. Jason Lewis plays Tony in the movie (of course! They're always hotter in the movies), and Malin Akerman plays Stella. And who plays Ted? Chris Kattan. Okay, not hotter, but funnier. Judy Greer is seriously underused, because the movie-within-a-show is overused. And then, if you think too hard about it, you'll find yourself wondering why, if Stella's not and never will be the mother, we keep going back to her for what aren't even that hilarious of laughs. No, really: why? Nobody really knows with this entire season of filler. But I'll leave that for the weecap (and, even better, your usual recapper). But, seriously, what was accomplished this season to move any of these characters even remotely forward? Anyway, in the movie, Tony's a super-hot hero who saves children and puppies or something, and Ted (er... Jed) is a jerky architect (hey! That one is right on!). I have to congratulate Tony for making a movie that, though cheesy, was a least better than certain real-life bride-themed movies. And this one is a hit, and makes a ton of money. Ted's date loves it, but no worries: She's not Your Mother.
There's also a whole running joke about everyone's baggage, which is pretty funny because everyone carries around a suitcase with their actual "baggage" written on their "baggage." Get it? Oh, and Robin's somehow back with the gang, and Don's nowhere to be seen. So apparently this is one of the moments where they've drifted together again, and there's really no reason for the show to explain that to us, is there? I mean, that would be really inconsistent with the inconsistency of this season. Marshall's too nice. And Barney swears inappropriately all over the place.
After hitting up the forums, see why we think HIMYM should have quit while it was ahead.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Saget!Ted tells us (you know, his kids) that dating is great in your 20s, but basically sucks in your 30s because of everyone's baggage. He says you can pretend it's not there, but sooner or later you see it. He's with a girl, who gets a call from her ex, calls him "Pumpkin!" and discusses their trip to Maui. Camera pans out and she's carrying a suitcase with giant "IN LOVE WITH EX" on the side. Get it? Baggage. Credits.
Then Ted's telling us about the girl he's dating, Royce (Judy Greer), as we see them at the movie theater. Cut to McLaren's earlier that same night, with Ted telling the gang (including Robin; what happened to all that space she needed to make it work with Don?) that they're very happy together. No "buts." Except the "no 'buts'" is the "but," because he knows there's a "but" coming. It's totally not about her butt. It's about when he finds out her baggage. Barney thinks emotional baggage is important, because only women with major baggage go into porn. Ted and Robin salute: "Major Baggage." Robin tells Ted to look past the baggage, but he says last time he did that was with Stella, and we all know how that worked out. Ted recaps his heartbreak, but Cindy's already done that, so I'll just link.
Marshall thinks it's a good thing he and Lily met young enough that he didn't develop baggage, but everyone cites his "mother issues," "grandmother issues," "great-grandmother issues" (those exist?) and "being too nice." He doesn't think that one is actually baggage, so Robin reminds him what he's like walking down the street. Cut to Marshall walking down the street talking to and helping everyone he sees. He even break-dances for a group of break-dancers. Back at McLaren's, Marshall says that's normal, but Barney says that's normal only on Sesame Street. He tries to turn that into a joke, but it's not funny, so I'll skip it. Ted will be happy if Royce's only baggage is "too nice." Barney says "too nice" is the worst baggage. The best? "Hates her dad" and "Thinks she's fat but isn't." Because with that combination, it's angry sex and then she's gone when you mention breakfast. Even Barney finally realizes he's gone too far, all, "Why do you guys hang out with me?"
That night, Saget!Ted narrates, he's on a date with Royce, just waiting to see what her baggage will be. First she says that her dad got her working in porn, which he thinks is it, duh, and we even get a giant "WORKED IN PORN" suitcase. Then she's like, "You know PORN: Parents Offering Recreation and Nutrition"? Uh, no, he doesn't know that. Nobody does, and if they did, no one would casually call it "porn." Then says she killed her brother (giant "KILLED HER BROTHER" suitcase) with a joke she told him. The joke: "A barber, a stripper, and a Jew (giant suitcase says "TED, WAIT FOR HER TO FINISH HER SIP") Liard (as in Juilliard)-trained violinist walk into a bar. Ted says he looked and looked, but couldn't find any baggage to worry about, until they went to see a movie. They sit down, munching popcorn, at The Wedding Bride, which the opening credits say is "a film by Tony Grafanello." That would be Mr. Stella, of course. Ted: "Oh no."
McLaren's. Lily and Marshall are late, because Marshall wanted to stop and help some guys load their moving van. Then the owners showed up, a little unhappy that Marshall just helped some people rob them. Robin tells Marshall he can't treat New York like it's the "small, friendly, crime-free, inbred, backwoods, podunk, cow-tipping Minnesota hickville" where he grew up. He protests that it's not crime-free. And nothing else. Ha. He points out a crime about a 1994 feedstore cashier being held up at hoe point. He also doesn't want to stop being nice, and Lily tells him not to change. But when Marshall leaves, Lily goes on and on about how she hates that he's like this. In fact, Marshall lent the thieves money and gave them their address to mail a check. Now she's worried they'll break in and tie her up, which she only likes when they're pretending. But she can't say something to him, because he's from Minnesota, where his high school mascot was a hug.
Ted joins the gang, who inquire about his date with Royce. He says it was interesting, because they saw The Wedding Bride, which Marshall's apparently really excited about. Robin asks what it's about, and Ted says it's interesting. Swipe to a clip of Chris Kattan acting like a jerky architect named Jed Mosely. Ted looks at Royce to see if she notices it's him, but she doesn't seem to. Jed dumps hot coffee on himself and the audience dies laughing. Ted tells the gang -- but hopefully he's not telling us, because it was pretty clear -- it's about him. Marshall wonders if Ted's sure, since he sort of thought Spaceballs was about him. Ted says Tony wrote it, and it's the whole story of his breakup with Stella. Robin and Lily wonder why the bad guy would write a movie about their story, but Ted says that's not exactly how Tony wrote it. Cut back to the movie, where Chris Kattan calls his fiancee a "ball and chain" and says he can't wait to force her out of her beautiful house and into his apartment above a bar. She walks in, played by Malin Akerman, and he's a jerk to her about their wedding, then crosses his legs on the desk. And he's wearing ugly red cowboy boots. Man, Tony did his homework. He falls out of the chair, and the audience laughs hysterically. Then Malin sighs and the audience moans for her. Marshall makes fun of chair-falling as humor then falls in his chair and admits it was pretty funny.
Robin wants to know if someone hot played her, but Ted says she's not in it. She thinks Tony's a jerk, but Ted says he's not -- at least according to the movie. Cut back to it, this time with FauxStella telling FauxTony (Jason Lewis) she's going through with the wedding. He says her happiness is all he cares about. Except for the underprivileged children he works with for free. The movie audience moans, and Royce says she loves him. FauxStella points out all the bad about Jed as Ted disagrees audibly in the audience to the point that Royce asks him what he's saying. He pretends nothing, but wouldn't it just be easier to actually say nothing? Back at McLaren's, Ted says it was a terrible movie that got everything wrong. He reminds them of his real-life proposal with a crane-machine toy in the mall. Cut the movie's version: They're in an arcade, and he says they can get married if it will shut her up, but there's no ring. Instead, he steals a toy from an underprivileged kid and gives it to her. And the movie turns their cute two-minute date into him canceling a big, romantic weekend into a two-minute date, which in this case just means sex. Marshall says that if you know what you're doing, two minutes is all you need. Lily: "Run tell dat," and they high-five.
Ted says the worst part was the wedding. Cut to the movie wedding, where they're saying their vows. Marshall interrupts, with "Woah! Spoilers!" But pretends he's just pretending to be a person who cares to see the movie. Back to the movie. FauxTony runs in with an underprivileged kid and interrupts the wedding to say he let this beautiful girl get away, and now she's with a jerk who doesn't appreciate his wedding bride. The audience oohs and ahhs. Chris Kattan says FauxTony can't do this to Ted Mosely, and real Ted notices he said "Ted" that time. Royce shushes him. FauxTony and FauxStella profess their love, and he asks her to be his wedding bride. The audience chants and cheers. Chris Kattan protests until the underprivileged kid kicks him in the balls. "The End" of The Wedding Bride. Ted's totally pissed, but Royce loved it so much. She was laughing and crying and felt like it was totally real. She asks him why he said "Oh no" when the movie started. That's when Ted sees his own baggage: a giant trunk is sitting to him with "LEFT AT THE ALTAR" written on it. But he tells her, "Oh, no reason."
At McLaren's, Lily tells Ted he has to tell Royce the story, because it will come out eventually. He wonders why, and Robin -- searching on her phone -- says it's now the fifth-highest-grossing film of all time. Ted says it sucks, and they all agree and say they'd never see it. Saget!Ted knows we, his kids, know where it's going. Cut to the gang at the movie, watching as FauxTony and Chris Kattan face off. FauxTony doesn't want to go to the wedding, but Chris Kattan says he's going to go and make him watch. He laughs evilly, and Barney, totally engrossed, says they got everything right. This is exactly how it happened!
McLaren's. Ted and Royce are out with some of her friends, and they all agree to go see The Wedding Bride again. Ted pretends he liked it, and Royce says it's an instant classic. The only thing that bothered her is why Stella would ever like a guy like Jed Mosely in the first place. Her friend tells her she's dated a few Jed Moselys in her day, and she agrees, but still: She hates the butterfly tattoo, and the way he pronounces "encyclopedia." Ted's like, "Totally! Totally!" But can't help pointing out it's the correct pronunciation. Royce loves the ending, because he gets left at the altar, which he had coming. And he's going to live a long, sad life knowing he lost his one chance at happiness. It's all hitting home for Ted. They also think him getting beaten up by the goat was hilarious. Ted plays along, painfully saying "What a hoot!" and "It was hysterical!" Ending with "Move over, Adolf Hitler. There's a new king of comedy." Royce asks if he's okay, and he tells them the movie sucks, and they're all stupid for liking it. Royce asks him to apologize, but he says, "No-can-do's-ville." Twice. And leaves.
At Marshall and Lily's, Ted's filling the gang in on what he said. Marshall can't believe he actually used Jed Mosely's catch-phrase. Ted knows, but he was just so upset. Then he asks how they know it's his catch-phrase. They all stutter awkwardly. Ted plans to move to a country where people don't watch it, but Robin says there's no place to do that, even North Korea, because Kim Jong-il apparently loved it. Marshall says it's okay and then rants about how he's nice to everyone because he doesn't care about baggage and doesn't walk away from it, and you know who taught him to be that way? Ted, who's uncynical and sincere and believed in things. Marshall believes that, deep down, Ted's still that guy and he wants to go and get that girl, because she's the love of his life. Ted stops him here and says they're only three dates in; but she seems nice. That'll do, so he goes to get her. And he knows where she is. As we all do. A clip of FauxTony and his underprivileged child, who talks him into going to the wedding to get FauxStella and then Ted running.
Ted arrives at the theater for the wedding scene, and jumps in front of the screen. He says, "Royce," FauxTony shouts, "Stella!" Royce is like "Ted?" FauxStella replies, "Tony?" Chris Kattan, disgusted: "Tony!" Barney, from the back, asks, "Ted?!" Ted, equally puzzled: "Barney?" Barney slurps his drink. Ted and FauxTony have their scenes at the same time. Ted confesses about Stella and the movie, as FauxTony confesses his love for FauxStella. They even both say "the wedding bride" at the same time. Ted says this doofus isn't him, so Barney asks, "Just to be clear, are you saying that you don't have a pair of red cowboy boots in your closet." Ha. Got 'im. Ted says they're actually more of a burgundy. Then he and FauxTony share another scene, followed by Royce and FauxStella professing their desires for pancakes and love, respectively. Barney goes along and starts chanting, "Kiss him! Kiss him!" Saget!Ted tells his kids that Barney didn't say kiss, and the usher comes in and makes him leave. Ted and FauxTony continue being in the same scene, and it all ends with a romantic kiss on the screen and one in front of it. Barney dumps popcorn all over the place on his way out. Royce and Ted kiss over "The End."
Outside after the movie, Ted tells Royce he's still getting over all that stuff. She offers to help him with it, and picks up half of his "LEFT AT THE ALTAR TRUNK." They walk away together as Saget!Ted says baggage isn't as heavy when someone else helps carry it. All around them, people are carrying their own baggage: "CUBS FAN." "MOM STILL DOES LAUNDRY." "5 GAY EX-BOYFRIENDS." "ELVIS IS ALIVE." "STILL THINKS HIS SKA BAND IS GOING TO TAKE OFF." "TRI-POLAR." "SLEPT WITH BARNEY." "LOVES CARS MORE THAN PEOPLE." "STILL LIKES OASIS." "ONLY DATES GUYS IN A BAND." You get the idea. Even if some of those don't actually qualify as baggage. Oh, and the girl who dates guys in bands and the ska band guy do connect, by the way, which is cute.
Tag: Ted and Royce are at his place. He tells her how glad he is to have opened up to her. She tells him it's not that bad, and she's been left at the altar. Three times. The baggage starts to pile up, as she says one time it was because she blew all their money on video poker, which is why she lives with her brother. In a tiny studio apartment. He totally hogs the covers. A giant shipping box shows up behind them with "SHARES A BED WITH HER BROTHER." Ted tells her she has to go. And so do we.
After hitting up the forums, see how Royce compares to the other almost-mothers.
See what made the cut in this list of TV's 50 most shocking moments ever.
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DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, has baggage. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.