Oh, Show... I don't know what to do with you anymore. I'm not even sure you're you anymore. Whatever. Here's the quick and dirty. Robin and Don are getting serious. Nobody shows us that -- they just tell us, when Robin's misinterpretation of an innocent question leads them to having the "should we live together" conversation. Ted's all for it, because he's tired of Robin leaving empty milk cartons in the fridge. Barney is dead-set against it because Robin isn't a human, she's an object -- an object belonging to him. When Don finds out that Robin was involved with both Ted and Barney, he's a little uncomfortable, so he invites the whole gang over for dinner -- so he can get to know them. Barney ends up viewing the evening as an eating competition and makes himself sick.
Later, at Ted's, Ted reminds Barney of the letter he wrote to himself when he broke up with Robin -- a letter that detailed all the reasons that justified said breakup. Barney is not swayed, he wants Robin back. This somehow leads to Ted and Barney getting really drunk together. And then Ted realizes he wants Robin back, too. They go back to Don's apartment and yell to her from the sidewalk. When Robin and Don hear them, Don invites them up, tucks them in, and lets them sleep it off, while he and Robin go to work. After they're done taping the show, Robin returns to Don's and kicks the boys out. She has decided she will move in with Don and she cannot continue to hang with Ted and Barney, at least right now.
Meanwhile, Lily and Marshall spend a weekend away and end up in twin beds. They start out hating it, but after 18 hours of solid sleep, they end up loving it, and get twin beds for Dowisetrepla. All's fine and dandy with their new arrangement, until Don points out that he and his ex got twin beds, and ended up divorced. Lily pushes Marshall to return to a one-bed marriage, but he misses his midnight snacks and the ability to scratch where it itches. In the end, they meet in the middle.
Saget!Ted sets it up. Robin and Don have only been dating a short while when completely contrived phrasing on Don's part makes Robin think he's asking her to move in. I respect you too much to transcribe it, but the misunderstood question then leads to the real one. Will Robin move in with Don? Why should we care or want him to? He was a pantless drunk who took no pride in his work, until one day Robin imagined him with a duck bill, rather than rabbit ears, and yet we're supposed to care. Right. Wake me up when season 6 premieres, okay?
MacLaren's: Lily is excited to hear Robin's answer, which makes exactly one of us. Barney though, is against cohabitation. "The guy's a loser with a dead-end job." Robin: "We have the same job, Barney." Barney: "And we couldn't be prouder of you, angel." In a nice bit of continuity, Ted's all for it, because he's tired of Robin leaving empty milk cartons in the fridge. Robin protests. "I have a system. I put the empty carton back in the fridge to remind us we need to buy milk." Yeah. Ted suggests full milk cartons as a reminder that they don't need milk... I--I...
I... I'm sorry you guys. I've been giving this weecapped show the full recap treatment as a labor of love and it no longer deserves it. I've got to change my ways. Now. So without further ado...
Barney says he needs to meet Don.
Later at MacLaren's, Barney tells Don a dirty story about a contortionist he was dating. Dating? Since when has he dated? Don thinks he's awesome, but feels badly for any girl with self-esteem so low she could ever date the Barnacle. Robin never told Don that she once dated Barney. So of course, Barney rejoins the group convo, just to mention that very fact.
When Don finds out that Robin was involved with Barney, he feels a little awkward. Once Lily spills the beans that Ted and Robin were also involved, Don is so uncomfortable he has to leave, but not before revealing he always thought Ted was gay. In flashbacks, we see Don and Robin on the couch. When Ted gets home, Robin tells him that his calligraphy teacher called to inform him his ink is in. Ted pumps his fist. , Ted interrupts Robin and Don while they're watching football, to make sure Project Runway is set to record -- but not before he comments on the Jets new "costumes." Finally, we see Ted apologizing to Don and Robin for the lack of crème brûlée. "My browning torch is broken." He swoops away like a magnificent poof. This is all well done. If these scenes weren't appearing in a "Whaddya mean Ted's straight" flashback, I'd never think twice of them, and yet it's totally believable that Don thinks Ted is gay. Before Don stomps out of MacLaren's, he tells his girl, "Robin, out of the four people you consider your best friends in New York, you slept with 50% of them." Some people in the forums think he's being too controlling, but I think he's just being honest. That is, we never hear him issues any sort of ultimatum. He just has problems accepting things, and he is honest about that. I do, however, think his timing sucks. If he were the good guy we're supposed to think he is, he would have waited until he had Robin at his place or hers.
Anyhow and meanwhile, Lily and Marshall update us on their weekend away. It was TERRIBLE. They got to their lodge only to find two twin beds. The dynamic duo says they can't sleep apart, and then proceed to sleep through their 18-hour stay, missing four pre-paid meals. Marshall: "I lost eleven pounds." I hate you, Marshall.
DOWISETREPLA: Back home, as Lily and Marshall realize they miss sleeping in separate beds, we're treated to the Aldrin-Eriksen's internal monologues. Marshall: "She's 1,000 degrees. It's like putting my leg against a tail pipe." Does anyone else call b.s. there? In my experience, men are the little bed furnaces, but I digress. Lily: "Ow. His toenails are like daggers." Marshall: "I'd love a sandwich, but no eating in bed. Stupid rule. We have ants -- one time...." Lily: "Great, and now he's falling asleep. Queue the river of drool." Marshall. "Oh. My knee itches. Just one little scratch..." He proceeds to shake the whole bed. Lily flips out and over. "MARSHALL.... I think we should get separate beds." Marshall sits straight up. "Yes! A mini-fridge. And separate beds." Lily: "Deal."
MacLaren's: Don finds Robin, Ted and Barney at the bar. He apologizes for overreacting and invites the entire gang to dinner at his place, so they can get to know one another better. When the happy couple leaves, Barney grimaces. "Ted, I must have Robin back." Commercial.
Ted tells Barney he's like a little kid who throws a toy away and wants it back the second another kid starts playing with it. Barney gets all stompy. "Well, maybe I wasn't done playing with it." Well, maybe I'm done caring about this show. How frigging predictable was that? It's then that Ted tells Barney he's ready to read "the letter."
The letter is a device Ted thought up to remind himself of why he broke up with someone in the first place. In flashback, we're treated to some of Ted's classic post-break up letters. 1996: Crazy College Hair Ted writes to Future Ted about Karen's pretentious airs, snobbiness and cheating ways. "I'm sorry you had to find out this way." A beat. "Hee. See, we're already laughin' about it." 2005: Ted -- still bearing a black eye -- writes to Future Ted about Natalie. "Stay away from Natalie or any girl who can pin you to the ground and beat you senseless in front of a cheering crowd. P.S. Please consult a therapist about why that turned you on a little bit." 2008: "Dear Relationship Genius: Stella left you at the altar. You may never love again and will probably die alone." A beat. Ted says to himself, "Ha. It doesn't look so sad written in calligraphy."
Ted's Apartment; Right after documenting the whys: Dating Robin was a huge mistake. They didn't work as a couple. Barney will always love Robin, but other women and other boobs are important too. With boobs there's nuzzling, juggling and honka-honka. Barney: "I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic.... Then there's just a bunch of drawings of boobs." I am this-close to putting him in a big time out, again. Sigh.
Ted's Apartment; Present: Ted: "You get it now." Barney: "Yeah, I get it. I definitely want her back."
Dowisetrepla: Marshall and Lily continue to rationalize their separate beds. Marshall suggests a third bed, for sex. Lily: "Aw. Yes. A sex bed. A dirty, dirty sex bed." She's also considering "a beanbag for special birthday stuff." Marshall decides they just revolutionized modern marriage. They try to high five, but they're too far apart, so fingers guns must suffice. Maybe they should try text messaging.
Don's: Robin welcomes the gang. From the moment they get there, Barney is obnoxious. Ted tries to point out to Barney that he's just wanting what he can't have. But when Ted uses a chair as an analogy, Barney hops into it, and declares it all his. Later, when Don and Lily are discussing spicy food, Barney proceeds to eat a whole chili pepper. After he's done sputtering, he grabs three fingers full of wasabi. Marshall yells, "Awesome." Ted yells, "Get him some milk." Don goes to the fridge and finds an empty carton. As he shakes it he says, "Oh, we're out of milk, but thanks for the reminder, Robin." Everyone awwws -- everyone except Barney, who can no longer stand.
Meanwhile, Marshall notices that Don too has twin beds. When the Aldrin-Eriksens tell Don they just got twin beds, his response is less than enthusiastic, so Lily probes his reasons. Don: "My ex-wife and I thought it would be a good idea, but we just started to drift apart." Marshall: "Yeah, but I bet you didn't have another bed just for sex!" Don: "No. But she did -- at her personal trainer's house." Don declares that if Robin decides to move in, he's getting a king-sized bed.
Ted's Apartment: Ted tells Barney that he hopes he's happy. Barney stands by what he did. "It was bold and romantic." Ted: "You soiled yourself from both ends of your body." Barney -- drinking straight from a bottle of what looks like Jack Daniels -- reminds Ted that he's done plenty of stupid stuff to impress Robin. Ted says he used to, but he no longer does, "Because I am over her, just like you are." Barney: "You are not over her. You want her back just as much as I do. You just won't let yourself go there." Ted says that's ridiculous, but then, he digs out his post-Robin-breakup-letter from his "For My Biographer" box.
"'Dear Ted, Robin is the perfect girl for you, but she doesn't want to be in a serious relationship. You need someone who wants to settle down, so until Robin's ready for that step, she's not your girl.'" Barney looks up at Ted, whose voice grows more wistful. "'Still, I always remember stealing her the blue French horn, our first kiss, the look in her eye when she told me she loved me.'" A beat. "Damn it. Now I want her back." Barney hands him the bottle of Jack. Bitches saved none for me. Commercial.
Ted and Barney get trashed. Their conversation is full of gems such as, "I stole her a blue French horn," and "I just want to have sex with her at least one more time." Can you guess who said what? Although they argue over who Robin belongs to, Ted realizes she's not either of theirs. She belongs to Don -- or, you know, herself, but heaven forfend that's mentioned even once in the episode. Barney: "We have to get rid of that guy.... Figuratively. Or literally." The boys exchange glances and then Barney curls up in Ted's arms. "Oh my God, Ted, this is how it starts. This is how it starts. I'm scared, Ted." Ted: "Shhhh. Just two guys talkin'. It's just two guys talkin'."
Dowisetrepla: Lily is afraid their separate beds are a sign that they're heading for divorce court. Marshall tells her that that's Don, not them. "Our new sleeping arrangement will only bring us closer together.... Now get out of my bed." Lily: "Can we at least push 'em together?" Marshall smiles. His eyes open wide. "Sure." Lily starts to pull her bed toward Marshall's. When he realizes what she's doing, he says, "Oh, you meant the beds. No. I don't want to do that." He loves her more than life itself, but she's a million degrees. "Honestly, I'm surprised your hourly pee breaks aren't just steam." Lily tells him he's no picnic in bed either -- except for the food and the ants -- but she still wants to be to him. Marshall discloses how handsy and violent Lily can get in her sleep. "I swear, it's like spooning with the Hindu deity, Ganesh." Hee. Lily crosses her arms across her chest. Her growling voice escapes from barely open lips. "Wanna push 'em together?" Marshall: "You still talking about the beds?" Lily: "Nope." Marshall: "Get over here." She jumps atop him. Dirty kids.
Ted's Apartment: Drunken Ted and Barney argue about whether Robin will be Robin Stinson or Robin Mosby. Drunk Ted is even ready to be Ted Scherbatsky. Barney proposes that they share her. He'll take her until she's 40. With a cringe, he adds, "You can have her after that." Ted says they just need to accept that she's with Don and move on. Barney says Ted is right, and then takes ten minutes to tell him he's going to use the bathroom. Sober actors are so funny when playing drunk, except for how they're totally not. Someone save me, please.
Bathroom; Split Screen: Barney calls Robin. "Hey Robin, it's Barn Door. Guess what. I'm open." Robin's getting another call, so she puts him on hold. It's Ted and our screen spits into three sections. "Hey Robin, it's Teddy Bear. Need a little honey? Agrrrr grrrr." Oh my, I'm watching from the hall right now, for any number of reasons. Robin tells him to hang on and clicks back to Barney. "Hey Barney, I'm gonna have to call you back. Ted's on the other line and uh I think he's in trouble." Barney: "Ted's calling you? Oh, he's in trouble all right." He clicks off. We're back to a two-part split. "Ted, what's up?" Ted: "You have pretty hair -- that's what's up... and down... your back. Agrrrr grrr.." Barney taps Ted on the shoulder and tackles him. Robin listens in stunned disbelief.
The Apartment: Barney and Ted tend to their wounds. Barney says he's going to leave before they do something they regret.
City Streets: Barney stands outside Don's apartment and screams for Robin. "Robin I love you." He's soon joined by Ted, who is just hopping out of a cab. "You son of a bitch." Ted screams that he brought her the blue French horn. Barney screams that he brought it; Ted's just holding it for him. Finally, Robin appears at the window. She's gobsmacked. Thankfully, Don appears behind her and invites the boys up. Ted's so wasted that he smiles at his opponent's invitation.
Don's Place: Don and Robin are on the way to work, so Don instructs the boys to sit down. They think they've won, but really, they're just ready to pass out. Once the boys chest bump and settle in, Don covers them with a blanket. Robin kisses and thanks him.
Dowisetrepla: After the loving, Marshall tells Lily that was nice, and then, "Well, you gots to go." Lily wants to spend the night with him. Marshall: "Oh, I'm sorry. That was a blast, and you're great, but I've got to be up early, so..." He makes a clicky sound as he pulls out the old finger gun, and winks at her. Lily: "You're just kicking me out?" Marshall: "You knew what this was." Hee. Resigned, Lily returns to her own twin bed. Marshall stops her, but just to return her sweatshirt, not to inviter her back to bed. "Don't forget your sweatshirt. Nice try."
Don's Place: After the new couple is done taping the show, Robin returns to Don's and kicks out Teddy Bear and Barn Door. Barney tries to play it off like the whole night was Ted's fault, but Ted apologizes sincerely, and promises that they do all they can to include Don in the gang. Robin: "Don's not going to be a part of the group... and neither am I, at least for a while. Guys, this thing with Don is real and I want to see where it goes, and I'll never be able to do that if I keep hanging out with my ex-boyfriends, all the time. It just won't work.... I'm moving in with Don." The boys watch as she walks out of the bedroom.
Dowisetrepla: Lily wakes to find Marshall spooning her. She smiles as she pulls his arm closer to her body.
MacLaren's: Barney asks Ted what's up with Robin. Ted says Barney was right. "It's been four days. She hasn't said another word about moving out, but listen, we can never pull crap like that, ever again." Barney agrees, and reads Ted his latest breakup letter to Robin. "'Dear Future Barney, You think you want Robin back again, but you really don't. Let her go. Sincerely, Past-Barney'." Ted grabs the letter from Barney's hand and reads the postscript. "'P.S. That top part was just for Ted. Did he buy it? Good. Now get back together with Robin, but don't mention it to Ted, because he'll just screw it up again'." Ted: "And then there's more drawings of boobs." Barney: "Okay. Okay. In my defense, how great are boobs?" Ted laughs and agrees. Boobs.
Ted's Apartment: Ted is fixing himself breakfast when he realizes that once again, Robin has left him an empty carton of milk in the fridge. He storms into her room. She's gone. All her stuff is gone. The only thing that's left is the blue French horn, sitting all by itself -- in the corner -- like a naughty child. As Ted lets that sink in, we fade to black.
The thing is, here's the thing. I no longer care about Barney and Robin or Ted and Robin. At points during the series, I would have loved to see either pair become the couple, but it didn't happen when the time was right. Now I find myself thinking about that damned monkey episode, "Zoo Or False" and wondering if I should believe any story I've ever seen on the show. See, before that episode, I had a modicum of trust. I.... Well, not to belabor the point, but I cover Lost, all right? I don't care if they tell me all the answers, which is good, because they never do. I care that when they do tell me something, I can believe it. Now, that doesn't mean characters are never wrong. That doesn't mean characters never lie. It does mean that when I actually get to see things play out on screen -- it's canon.
I'll be back week with whatever pap they're throwing at us , but in the meantime, come on over to the forums, where we'd never leave your blue French horn lying in an empty corner.
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