Fresh off the BroTP breakup, Robin swears off relationships, vowing to throw herself into her career, so Marshall and Ted tease her that that means she's going to meet her husband. Meanwhile, Barney vows to throw himself into every woman in New York. No. Not at, okay? He warns: "Mothers, lock up your daughters. Daughters, lock up your MILSWANCAs," i.e. Mothers I'd Like to Sleep With And Never Call Again. Daddy's home, indeed. He breaks out his (leather bound) playbook, which contains every scam he's ever used or hoped to. But when Barney uses the "Lorenzo Von Matterhorn" (details in the weecap) on a woman Lily's been saving for Ted, Lily exacts her revenge by getting an actress-friend to play one of Barney's marks. When he gets the actress back to his place and goes into his room to set up the camera (eww), she steals his playbook and takes off -- handing it off to Lily, who confronts Barney. Lily promises not to publish the playbook on the Internet, provided Barney agrees to no more scams, cons, hoodwinks, gambits, stratagems, or bamboozles (or flimflams). Between that list and MILSWANCAs, you all have no idea how close you came to getting this recaplet in anapestic tetrameter, a la Dr. Seuss. Thank your lucky stars for the recaplet's short deadline and my relative lack of ability, compounded by my intellectual laziness.
Although Barney seems to agree to Lily's terms, he's soon off to play The SCUBA Diver (SCUBA-suited up). The only problem is: that play's not in the book. What follows is a deliciously complicated plot that's not a surprise, but delights just the same. Barney used everyone, without their knowledge or consent, to pull off his final play.
I'll catch you on the flipside with the full weecap, end tag, links to all the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn sites, discussion of Robin's hurty-bits, and all Barney's best plays. In the meantime, don't drink that! I saw some guy slip something in it. Instead, come on over to the forums. We only have beer, and TWoP Barnes uncaps it right in front of you.
Look for the SCUBA Diver, the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn and MILSWANCA to eventually make their way into the HIMYM Dictionary! Sorry, we can't keep up with this show's crazy new slang.
Last week, Barney and Robin decided that while they love one another, they can't be together. This week, Barney intends to out-Barney himself as he jumps back into the dating scene, and to do so, he breaks out his leather bound playbook. The episode is so full of jumps, twists and turns that I'm not quite sure how to approach it, so climb aboard as I wing it.
MacLaren's: Claire (Sarah Wright; Jane, 7th Heaven), a pretty, young, blonde woman sits at the bar as Saget!Ted narrates that when you're dating, it's important to be confident, comfortable in your skin, and assured of who you are. In 2030, he informs his (unseen) kids that Barney had that last part down pat, even when he wasn't being himself. We pan to Barney, seated at the semi-round booth in the corner. He's in full SCUBA gear. Lily approaches Claire, and tells her that the SCUBA suit guy is the biggest jerk on the face of the earth and not to talk to him. Claire smiles. "How do you know him?" Lily says, "Oh, he's one of my best friends." Heh. Claire wants to know what's up with the SCUBA suit. Lily tells her it's a long story -- he just went through a break-up, etc. Keep in mind, this is to set up the introduction to the funniest plays in Barney's playbook.
As we flashback to Robin, Saget!Ted says that after a breakup, some people throw themselves into... Robin finishes the line: "...my career." She's sworn off dating for the foreseeable future. Saget!Ted then narrates, "While some people throw themselves into..." We flash to Barney. "...every woman in New York City." Thanks for the prepositional gross-out, Show. Barney's back on the market. "Mothers, lock up your daughters. Daughters, lock up your MILSWANCAs." Ted cracks Barney's code: "Mothers I'd Like to Sleep With And Never Call Again." Daddy's home, indeed. Robin is not present for this scene, by the way. It's just Ted, Lily, Marshall and Barney. When Lily cautions Barney about jumping back into things too soon, he makes phallic references to what turns out to be his playbook.
Set of Come On, Get Up, New York!: a handsome guy approaches Robin at the anchor desk and asks if she's Robin. "I'm Don, your new co-host." They shake hands. Saget!Ted says, "That was the day she met Don." Robin purses her lips and looks down at the desk in front of her. "Damn it, Marshall."
Okay, so I gave the episode an A because, as a stand-alone it was supremely funny, messed with time just the way we like it, and they spoiled us with websites, to boot (seriously, Google "Lorenzo Von Matterhorn"). And, I really liked the painful admissions between Barney and Robin. Personally, I think Barney was lying with the truth, there, and he is really smarting over their breakup and doesn't really know what to do. But, whatever. When I look at this as a greater part of the whole, though, I'm still dissatisfied, in that one of the things I didn't like about the execution of the Barney/Robin romance is that they took over the whole show. Despite my depression last week, I was happy that we could finally get back to How I Met Your Mother. Instead, we got another amusing installment in The Secret Life of Walter "Barney Stinson" Mitty. Also, I'm a little miffed that everyone (particularly Barney and Lily) were able to boost Barney to Claire, right in front of Robin, after Robin admitted that she's still coming to terms with the breakup. It seemed cold. One of the things I've most enjoyed about this series is the genuine friendship of the characters. Sure they enjoy mocking one another, but when one of them is hurt, I expect the rest to at least try to be sensitive. That said, I enjoyed the heck out of this episode. It was so well done, and so very fun. Welcome back, Show. I missed you.
week, tune in for "Slapsgiving 2: Revenge of the Slap." Need I say more? In the meantime, don't drink that! I saw some guy slip something in it. Instead, come on over to the forums. We only have beer, and TWoP Barnes uncaps it right in front of you.
Look for the SCUBA Diver, the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn and MILSWANCA to eventually make their way into the HIMYM Dictionary! Sorry, we can't keep up with this show's crazy new slang.
Cindy McLennan is tearful mess of sentiment and glurge. Slap her out of it in e-mail at CynthiaMcLennan[at]gmail.com or by following her on Twitter.
Lily's School Break Room: (see the "Please keep sink area clean" note behind Shelly? Hee.) Shelly apologizes for standing up Ted. It's just that she got to MacLaren's about an hour early and met the most amazing guy. His name? Lorenzo Von Matterhorn, which will eventually lead us to the play. But first, we take a pit stop at Barney's apartment. When he opens the door, Lily growls: "You sonofabitch!" [Imagine "sonofabitch" spoken really fast and with a slight Italian accent. This is the correct pronunciation every time it is spoken this episode. - Z] Commercial. After the break, we're back in current time at MacLaren's, with Claire saying to Lily: "So, he hooked up with Shelly? You must have been pissed!" Oh yeah. Flashback to Barney's apartment, where she tells him she's had Shelly reserved for Ted for three years. Barney says Ted didn't miss out on anything. Shelly is brainy, annoying and not so hot in the sack. "Oh! I guess she would have been perfect for Ted. Oops." After Lily punches him, he claims he never would have hit on her if he'd known she was there for Ted. You be the judge. Circumstances aside, Barney's pretty sure Ted will be proud of him, because he pulled off...
The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn: In which the pupil needs a basic knowledge of website design and a unique, fake name. The target should be a girl with a real nice... (a stacked woman passes in front of Barney at MacLaren's). "...phone." Barney approaches a different girl, who is texting at the bar. He acts as if she must recognize him -- the oh-so-famous Lorenzo Von Matterhorn -- and then fakes how refreshing it is that she does not. He leaves the bar, which gives the mark (in this case, Shelly) a chance to do a web search on him. During the search, she hits on many flattering pages featuring Lorenzo Von Matterhorn (Big Business Journal; The Balloon Explorers Club; and Extremities Quarterly, in which "Lorenzo" bravely shares his heartbreaking tale of his inability to surgically reduce his extra-large penis). When a reasonable amount of time has elapsed, Barney returns, and asks the refreshing Shelly out for coffee -- an invitation she jumps to accept. As they leave the bar, Tutor!Barney narrates: "And it is on," as Fantasy!Barney (who is real, in this particular scenario) (hell, I think he was real in all of those scenarios. - Z) twinks.
Barney's apartment: Lily lectures Barney on how low he is and informs him he broke Shelly's heart. We flash back to the school break room, and Shelly cries as she learns the balloon expedition; the manmade island off the coast of Dubai that is shaped like "Lorenzo's" face; and finishing third in the laser tag competition are all a bunch of lies. Lily's ready to affirm the last one is true, until Shelly says the competition was at the Vatican. Barney turns things around and blames Lily for telling the truth, breaking Shelly's heart, and destroying her faith in men. "You ruined her for Ted, not to mention -- Julio Von Matterhorn, Lorenzo's twin brother."
At MacLaren's, Lily vents to Marshall, Ted, Claire and Robin and then tells Ted that Shelly would probably still go out with him. Ted will pass on Barney's sloppy seconds, thanks, Lil. In a moment reminiscent of the Three Stooges famous, harmonized "Hello, hello, hello" -- Ted sings, "Hell no," and Marshall, Robin and Claire chime in. Lily asks Robin if she's bothered by all this Barney scamming. Robin is sedate as she says it's Barney's life, and if the marks are stupid enough to fall for his crap then they have it coming. The discussion turns back to the playbook.
The SNASA: Barney tells a mark he's in a top-secret government space program, "Secret NASA, or SNASA." He's been to the "smoon." Twink.
Barney's apartment: Lily reminds him he just got out of a real relationship. "You're a real boy now. You can't go back to these cheap tricks." This leads us to...
The Cheap Trick: Fantasy!Barney, sporting long, curly extensions, chats up a cutie at the bar, and claims to be the bass player for Cheap Trick. Twink. [This trick is actually quite expensive, because of the hair extensions involved. - Z]
Barney doesn't have time to argue with Lily, though, because he's off to perform tonight's main event...
The He's Not Coming: In which Barney approaches random women on the observation deck of the Empire State Building, and in a twisted, evil version of An Affair to Remember, tells each one that he's not coming, until he meets up with a woman who was actually waiting for a "him" -- one who is vulnerable enough to fall for his crap, and fall into his arms in search of comfort. In this segment, while the theme from Romeo and Juliet plays, an attractive brunette does just that. Twink.
Ted's apartment: Robin tells Marshall, Lily and Ted that she's off to get the newspaper. The guys are playing a video game, but they're not too preoccupied to tease her that she's just as likely to get a husband. She tells them to knock it off. Ted says, "When you pick up that newspaper, be sure to check the wedding announcements..." His voice rises. "For yours!" Marshall goes into this long, complicated explanation about how every time he goes to the freezer looking for frozen waffles, there are none, but every time he goes to the freezer for something else (like the TV remote control that Lily hid there during an argument) he finds frozen waffles. "That's how it works. You go out there looking for a paper -- you're coming back with frozen waffles, and in this case, frozen waffles is a guy." A beat. "Also, could you pick up some frozen waffles? In that case, frozen waffles are frozen waffles." Just as Robin's about to exit, Barney bursts in announcing a code red. He pulled off the He's Not Coming, and it worked. As he gets into the lurid details, Robin announces she's leaving. After she's gone, Barney continues -- he left the girl to go set up his video camera (he looks at Lily and edits this to 'light some candles'), but when he was done, she was gone, and so was the playbook. There's clearly only one party to blame. Al-Qaeda. Lily agrees there's one party to blame, but she's that party. Barney says, "You sonofabitch." Commercial.
MacLaren's: Barney sits at the semi-round in his SCUBA gear, as Lily, Marshall, Ted, Claire and Robin sit at the regular booth, and Lily shows off the playbook. She had an actress-friend play the vulnerable mark, steal the playbook, and hand it off. We flashback to Ted's as Barney learns the truth. "An actress. Of course! That explains her impeccable diction and sluttiness." Lily's tempted to post the playbook on the Internet. Barney says, "You wouldn't." Lily says she won't, provided he agrees to no more scams, cons, hustles, hoodwinks, gambits, stratagems and bamboozles. And no more skank tramps, with their whatzits and whoozles. Barney looks hopeful as he does the math. "I notice you left out flimflams?" Lily waves her index finger in his face as she yells, "No more flimflams!" She does not like them, Stinson man.
MacLaren's: Robin apologizes for interrupting, but she has to show the gang (and Claire) the play.
The Ted Mosby: (not to be confused with The Mosby) Barney, wearing a flannel shirt over a T-shirt, holds up a diamond ring to his latest mark and tells her he got left at the altar. The girl grabs his hands with one hand and rubs his arm with the other. Twink.
Ted declares "The Ted Mosby" awful, but wonders aloud if it would work. But Marshall tells him there are worse things in there, which brings us to...
The My Penis Grants Wishes: The mark says, "Really? A genie comes out of it?" Barney, dressed in a green jinn suit says, "Only if you rub hard enough." Twink.
Claire wants to know what happened with Barney after Lily threatened him with publishing the playbook. Lily says, "A few hours later," and we flash back to Ted's apartment. Barney enters in the SCUBA suit and announces that he'll be at MacLaren's performing the SCUBA Diver play from his book. Robin, reading her paper, just shakes her head. After he flops out in his flippers, Lily picks up her MacBook, proclaims she's putting the playbook on the Internet, and then sweetly asks Marshall to do it. He's engrossed in the playbook, though, and has to point out that there's no SCUBA Diver play in it. We cut to...
MacLaren's: Barney's pleased that the gang now wants to know what the SCUBA Diver is. He notes that it was on the last page of the playbook, but he ripped it out, "Just in case." But they're going to see it in action, and the mark is the blonde at the bar (Claire!). "Tizz-arget Ac-quizz-ired." Lily tries to talk it down, but he says, "Give it a rest, pest. If anyone should be mad, it should be Robin." Um...yeah! "She loves the playbook." Um, no. Robin agrees with me. "I don't love the playbook." As Barney tries to coax her to his side, her expression grows softer and more vulnerable. Voice low, she says, "Look, Barney, we just broke up. I mean, yes, the costumes are cute, but we just broke up." Her eyes come over all misty, like eyes do, when they're fighting back tears. And for his part, Barney looks like you do when it feels like your stomach has dropped to your knees. He holds her gaze for a moment and then stammers that he didn't know Robin felt that way. When all she can do is shrug, he says, "I guess I've been so wrapped up in my own stuff..." he looks over to the bar. "Oh, crap! She's looking over here. Quick. Everyone, scatter." He dons his mask. Robin holds it together. The gang stomps off in disgust, and Lily says, "That's it." We've now come full circle to her first approaching Claire at the bar, and telling her that the biggest jerk in the world is one of her best friends. We flash forward to the present.
Lily tells Claire she's all caught up. All Claire can say is, "Wow," and that she still wants to know what the SCUBA Diver play is. When Marshall says they don't know and, "It's killing us, Claire. It's killing us," Claire says, "Let's go ask him." We cut to a shot of the nighttime NYC skyline (so beautiful) to give the gang and Claire time to join Barney at the semi-round. Lily asks what the SCUBA Diver is and introduces Claire -- in that order. Barney starts out with a bullshit explanation about being Lt. Frank Lyman who trains bomb-sniffing dolphins, but as he looks around the table, he takes of his mask and stammers that he can't do "this." He looks at Robin and quietly apologizes for everything. "I guess this breakup's been tougher on me than I thought. Maybe this playbook was just a way to take my mind off of things." Robin tells him it's okay. It's been tough on her as well, she's even sworn off relationships. Marshall leans in toward Ted and whispers: "She's so about to get married." Ted agrees, and the guys resume their teasing until Robin threatens to bang their heads together -- like coconuts. [Two Three Stooges references in one episode? Nice. - Z] Lily tells Barney that she's glad he's done with the games, because the real Barney is way more appealing. Barney's not convinced and calls Lily on what he's treating as her bluff. "Claire, you've probably heard a lot about the "real" Barney, tonight. Want to grab a cup of coffee?" Claire tilts her head and opens her mouth, but doesn't know what to say, so Lily tells her, "Underneath this neoprene suit, with what appears to be a tube sock stuffed in the crotch..." Barney correct: "Can of Pringles, but go on." Marshall cringes and Ted tries to get a better look, and Lily continues: "...is an amazing guy. He's fun; he's one of my best friends, and," nodding toward Robin she adds, "...he landed this hottie." Ouch, Lily. Did you not just hear what Robin said to Barney a few minutes ago? I can see you staying out of it. I can't see you helping Barney score. Robin nods, and I'd like to think it's in agreement with me, but no. "He's a good guy." Ted and Marshall join the chorus -- encouraging Claire to give Barney a chance. She finally agrees. I want to slap the writers, so I go get a glass of water, instead.
As Saget!Ted narrates, "And by the end of the night..." Claire and Barney start to make their way out of MacLaren's, as Marshall, Lily, Ted and Robin sit in the regular both. Marshall says, "I'm proud of that guy. To be that vulnerable takes a lot of Pringles." Just then, Lily's phone rings. It's a text from Barney: "Look under the table." There, she finds an envelope containing the last page of the playbook, i.e....
The SCUBA Diver: Barney narrates over a montage of the appropriate clips. "Step One: Tell a meddlesome female friend about the playbook. Step Two: Run play on one of her coworkers, making her so angry she steals the playbook. Step Three: Put on a SCUBA suit and tell her you're going to do one more scam, called 'The SCUBA Diver,' on the hot girl standing by the bar. Your friend -- let's call her Lily -- goes and talks to the girl, and tells her everything about the playbook. Now, here's where it gets tricky. When Lily and the girl ask what 'The SCUBA Diver' is, take off your mask; give them some spiel about your deep-seated insecurities -- which don't really exist because, let's face it, you're awesome." Genie-Barney winks at us with a twink. "Feeling bad for you, Lily talks you up to the girl, who then agrees to go get coffee with you." We see Barney and Claire head out the MacLaren's door, but Barney turns at the last moment as Narrator!Barney says, "And it is on." Twink. Back at the booth, Ted drops the page as though it burns. Everyone gasps. Lily scowls. "You sonofabitch!" And? Scene.
End Tag: Near the MacLaren's doorway, Ted tells an Amanda Peet look-alike that he'll give her a call. He slides into the booth, to Marshall. "For those of you keeping score, the Ted Mosby..." His voice rises. "...Works!" Marshall shushes him and holds up his hand toward Robin, as if he's casting a spell. He tells her the love of her life is about to walk in the door, "And it's..." He points. "That guy." A short, dumpy, nerdy version of Robert Plant enters MacLaren's. Robin says she's not falling in love with him. Ted tries his hand at it, but his "that guy" is old enough to be Robin's grandfather. Marshall gives the "It's that guy" trick one more shot, and a hot brunette woman wanders in. Robin smirks and looks at the boys. Ted and Marshall crane their necks to get a gander as Marshall says, "Whoa, Robin. You should at least give her a chance. You know -- make out with her a little. See if there's something there." Robin looks away from them. "Okay. I'm going to work." In a deep, sexy voice, Ted says, "Yeah, you are." Robin rises. "No, I'm actually going to work." Marshall encourages her to "work it." Saget!Ted busts in. "And the ironic part was..." We cut to...
Set of Come On, Get Up, New York!: a handsome guy approaches Robin at the anchor desk and asks if she's Robin. "I'm Don, your new co-host." They shake hands. Saget!Ted says, "That was the day she met Don." Robin purses her lips and looks down at the desk in front of her. "Damn it, Marshall."
Okay, so I gave the episode an A because, as a stand-alone it was supremely funny, messed with time just the way we like it, and they spoiled us with websites, to boot (seriously, Google "Lorenzo Von Matterhorn"). And, I really liked the painful admissions between Barney and Robin. Personally, I think Barney was lying with the truth, there, and he is really smarting over their breakup and doesn't really know what to do. But, whatever. When I look at this as a greater part of the whole, though, I'm still dissatisfied, in that one of the things I didn't like about the execution of the Barney/Robin romance is that they took over the whole show. Despite my depression last week, I was happy that we could finally get back to How I Met Your Mother. Instead, we got another amusing installment in The Secret Life of Walter "Barney Stinson" Mitty. Also, I'm a little miffed that everyone (particularly Barney and Lily) were able to boost Barney to Claire, right in front of Robin, after Robin admitted that she's still coming to terms with the breakup. It seemed cold. One of the things I've most enjoyed about this series is the genuine friendship of the characters. Sure they enjoy mocking one another, but when one of them is hurt, I expect the rest to at least try to be sensitive. That said, I enjoyed the heck out of this episode. It was so well done, and so very fun. Welcome back, Show. I missed you.
week, tune in for "Slapsgiving 2: Revenge of the Slap." Need I say more? In the meantime, don't drink that! I saw some guy slip something in it. Instead, come on over to the forums. We only have beer, and TWoP Barnes uncaps it right in front of you.
Look for the SCUBA Diver, the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn and MILSWANCA to eventually make their way into the HIMYM Dictionary! Sorry, we can't keep up with this show's crazy new slang.
Cindy McLennan is tearful mess of sentiment and glurge. Slap her out of it in e-mail at CynthiaMcLennan[at]gmail.com or by following her on Twitter.