Unleash the Kraken

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Barney and Robin have grown overly comfortable in their relationship. Robin's let herself go, and Barney's grown a little pot belly (although they look much rougher in Saget!Ted's memory than in actuality). Worse, Barney has relinquished all his porn. When Ted "accidentally" watches one of the recordings, he finds a home video Barney made, in which he tells Ted that since he's viewing the video, he (Barney) is either dead or stuck in a relationship. If it's the latter, video-Barney pleads with viewer-Ted to break it up. Ted convinces Marshall to help, but their plans go way, way wrong. Marshall says it's time to "Unleash the Kraken." That's right, they turn to Lily. She cooks up a complicated plan meant to revive the overly-comfy couple's worst four arguments at once, and enlists Alan Thicke's help, to boot.

As the gang stakes out Barney and Robin, they think they've been spotted. Marshall and Ted want to abort the mission, but Lily must see her masterpiece in action. She sends all its working parts, including Thicke, flying at Robin and Barney, but as she and the guys watch from their rented station wagon (the expense of a van is a large point of contention) they see Barney and Robin walk away from Lily's masterpiece, only to kiss. Lily wonders what she was even thinking trying to break up Robin and Barney, and everyone realizes they must really be in love.

EXCEPT... they're not. Well they are, but they're miserable. However, they never spotted Lily, Ted and Marshall. They didn't even get shaken up by Lily's masterpiece. In fact, they never even spotted the gang on stake out. They just got a look at their own reflections in the restaurant window and came to terms with their unhappiness. They decide to break up, but since they still love each other, they don't know how to deal until Robin suggests that they look at it as two friends reuniting as friends. Later, a re-beautified Robin finds the gang at MacLaren's and catches them up on things. And a re-slinkified Barney saunters into the bar, eyes all the women (who eye him back), winks and purrs, "Daddy's home."

I'll catch you on the flipside with the full weecap, including the best end tag in a long time, and all the silly and sad details. In the meantime, come on over to the forums and drown your sorrows.

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Usually, I save my analysis for the end, but I just have to get this off my chest. Regardless of the fact that it was well done, this episode left me depressed as all get out. I mean, it took an hour-long dose of Eddie Izzard to burn off my funk. And the thing is, here's the thing: well, wait, there's more than one thing. 1.) I did want to see Barney and Robin together. 2.) My enjoyment of the series didn't hinge on Barney and Robin being together. 3.) I hate how they were put together AND how they were broken apart. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend. --Willow. Oh and **SPOILERS** that's what this episode is -- the BIG BREAK-UP. Which would be cool, if it had been cool, but it wasn't, so I don't think it is. AAaaaaaaaaaanyhow... My point is that grading it was a bitch. I mean, granted, I do pull my episode grades straight out of my ass, but this one took a lot of pulling. And since I've committed it to pixels in my draft, I've changed my mind a million times, but in the end, I decided to go with the C+. It probably deserved better, BUT... it left me feeling low, and to me, a sitcom's purpose is to... you know, take the weight off. So. And in conclusion? There. That said, I didn't hate it or anything, so read on...

We actually see Ted's kids in 2030 in this one, which is a plus. Hey, kids! The daughter looks a little different, though. Saget!Ted tells the kids that "Uncle Barney" has always had strong opinions on relationships, while we flash back to 2008. At MacLaren's, Ted introduces a busty beauty to the gang, and Barney tries to parse the word girlfriend, and fails on purpose. "Do not humanize the enemy, Ted." Robin looks on and laughs. By the fall of 2009, Barney is turning over his porn collection to Ted at the apartment. Robin, Lily and Marshall are also present, as is Barney's new friend -- his relationship gut. It's just a pot belly, really. Marshall calls him out on having "relationship gut," but then gets in trouble with Lily for miming how fat she's been at times. Funny, considering the lengths to which the series went last season to hide Alyson and Cobie's pregnancy bellies. And you know, I'd vowed to myself not to mention this since he fixed the hair issue, but Jason Segel's Marshall has been looking none too svelte these days, either. I'm just sayin'...

After they're gone, Ted, Lily and Marshall all fight over who will do the oh-so-hard work of dumping the porn with the rest of the trash, because, of course, they all want to watch it. Lily artfully hides a video [Titled Squat, which leads to a funny misunderstanding with Marshall. - Zach] under her jacket. Marshall does likewise. And Ted? He just tells everyone to back off. He tries to talk to his friends about the demise of Barney Stinson as they knew him, but they want to get home to watch their pilfered porn. After they're gone, Ted reads the title of one of the vids: "Archi-sex-ture." Ding ding ding. Saget!Ted narrates to his kids about how bad and vile porn is, and then current-day Ted says, with no feeling at all: "I am getting rid of this vile pornography, right away." Saget!Ted then tells us something terrible happened. Current-day Ted picks up the crate and heads toward the door, but he stumbles on the occasional chair and a video flies out of the crate, across the room, bounces off two walls, then heads back toward the living area. The box flies off, and the tape lands right in Ted's DVD/VCR combo and it automatically turns on. Ted is saying, "Oh, no," throughout these unforeseen events, including his own plop on the couch. Then the "Archi-sex-ture" title card flashes across the screen, and Ted sits up straight, with a big smile on his face. No porn for Ted, though. Instead, he's watching video of Barney, telling him that if he's in possession of this tape (the one he knew Ted would pick) either Barney is dead, or he's in a committed relationship. If he's dead, video-Barney would like Ted to give him the Weekend At Bernie's treatment: dancing, sex, and fishing in the Hamptons. If he's in a relationship, video-Barney makes his plea. "For the love of God, get me out of it!"

Theme song!

After the bah pah buhs, Ted re-watches the video with Marshall and Lily. Video-Barney insists that he's meant to be single, gets in a cut (to Marshall) about being Ted's real best friend, then approaches the girl waiting in his bed, in case Ted was hoping for some real porn. Ted and Marshall would rather not. I wish I could say the same for Lily. They discuss whether or not they should take it seriously. Lily says, "Of course not." Barney and Robin are happy, but then Saget!Ted narrates that over the few weeks, he started to notice that Barney and Robin stopped having crazy adventures. For example, when they couldn't decide between a concert and a party, they just stayed in and watched a movie. Later, at the bar, Barney says, "It was legend...wait for it...S of the Fall. ...It was okay." And later still, Barney won't act as Ted's wingman when he needs some help "landing the plane." I should note that during this, Barney's slight pot belly has been replaced by a full-on fatsuit. And man, it's terrible. I'm ashamed to admit that although it's occurred to me before, I didn't think of the politics of the fatsuit when I was watching this episode. Reading the forums brought it to mind. I was just pissed because Neil Patrick Harris is such an all-in actor, and the fatsuit hid most of his glorious facial expressions. Feh. Now that I've been radicalized, or whatever, I have decided I'm not getting deeply into the Barney-is-so-fat jokes. Suffice it to say he's busy with chicken wings when Ted needs a wingman. And Robin looks like she hasn't showered in a month or washed her face in two. In short, they're physically repulsive. And maybe it's contrary to fat-acceptance politics to state so, and so plainly, but to me, what's really objectionable is that at the end of the day, all NPH has to do is shed some silicone make-up and padding and he's back in fighting form. On top of that, Robin covers her ears and chants "Shut up, shut up, shut up," every time Fatsuit Barney says anything. But the worse they got, the more they insisted everything was fine. Saget!Ted breaks the fourth wall to tell us that although the couple only let themselves go a little, he saw them as a big fat man, and an old haggard woman. See, isn't it funny to laugh at fat and aging? Ahhahaha. Ptui. Let us speak of it no more.

Ted tells Lily and Marshall that it's clear Barney and Robin are killing each other. He tries to convince them that they need to break up, but even his, "It must be tough to have two Alpha-Dogs in one relationship" argument doesn't shake them. Poor, sweet, delusional Marshall says, "We have two Alpha-Dogs in our relationship." Without missing a beat, Lily deadpans, "Sure we do, sweetie." Ted declares that Robin and Barney are playing relationship chicken. Marshall cracks that Barney ate the chicken. Ugh. But Lily says they're just going through a rough patch. "What's the nice word for selfish?" Marshall offers, "Independent." Lily will take that. Marshall then starts telling Ted a story about "friends" of his, but it turns out to be the plot to one of Barney's pornos. In the end, Lily insists they should just leave the couple alone.

But then Marshall asks Barney (who is eating ribs) if he and Robin are happy, Barney dances all the way around the question, but never quite answers it. We flash back to fatsuit Barney and age make-up Robin flipping a coin to decide between having pizza or sex, and Barney manipulating it so pizza wins. Marshall runs to Ted's apartment. "We have to break them up."

Marshall says the duo is miserable together but too stubborn to break up. The only way to fix things is to "Unleash the Kraken." Saget!Ted reminds us that earlier that year, he learned that Lily had broken up seven of his past relationships. At MacLaren's, Lily talks like a detective straight out of a film noir fest, and insists that she's "outta the game." Marshall tries to talk up her mad break-up skillz, but Lily swears, "I've gone legit. I'm a matchmaker now." Ted immediately begs for a fix up. Lily gasps that she's only just starting out. Heh. No matter how much the guys beg, Lily says that she's learned her lesson -- these things must run their course. The guys leave Lily at the bar, and over at the booth, Ted insists to Marshall that they can do it on their own. He reminds Marshall of how badly Robin freaked out when she thought Ted put an engagement ring in her champagne. Ted figures that if Robin thinks, even for a second, that Barney is contemplating marriage, she'll run away. Marshall thinks that's crazy and suggests they find a hot woman to hit on Barney, but then the camera pans to him, and who would hit on Barney in a fatsuit? Fatsuit Barney wipes his hands on his shirt, because fat people aren't only fat, they're dirty and rude? Blergh. The engagement ring plan wins.

Marshall and Ted shadow Barney and Robin to their favorite diner, and do the ring-in-the-champagne-thing, but Barney and Robin have grown so complacent that instead of freaking and breaking up, they sigh and figure they might as well get married. We cut to MacLaren's, where Barney announces, "We're getting married!" Lily turns to the guys and asks them what they did, stating that she's furious with them. But when Robin asks her to be the maid of honor, Lily squeals that she'd love to, and fans away non-existent tears from her cheeks.

The Apartment: Ted, Marshall and Lily enter, and Lily is ripping them a new one for pushing a couple who they knew was playing "Relationship Chicken" into marriage. The boys bow their heads in shame, but then Lily says she's coming out of retirement for one last break-up. She'll need to reignite their four worst fights, all at once. "Number 1: the battle of the dirty dishes. Number 2: the ex-girlfriend conflict (featuring crazy Meg, who we've see in "The Bracket" and "Dowistrepla"). Number 3: A Star Wars altercation (in which Robin calls Barney's life-sized Storm Trooper a "stupid doll'" -- enough said). As to number 4? Lily says, "And of course, the biggie: The Canadian-American War," which involves Barney referring to Robin's fellow Canuck, Neil Young, as an old lady. After the relevant flashbacks, Ted suggests to Lily and Marshall that they e-mail the couple pictures, reminding them of each of their major fights. Lily sneers. "You child," and then tells the boys how it will go down.

Lily will rekindle the Canadian-American War by enlisting the help of Alan Thicke, who, you'll remember, played Robin Sparkles' dad in her "Sandcastles In The Sand" video. ♫ I hate my dad; he's so unfair... You don't understand our love. ♫ Lily has already snagged Alan Thicke's number off Robin's phone. She'll get Crazy Meg to show up . Then, she'll have a Storm Trooper walk by the window, and finally, she'll get the bus boy to walk by their table with a tub full of dirty dishes. We flash to Lily's fantasy of old-Robin and fatsuit-Barney cracking under the pressure and strangling one another to the decidedly non-dulcet tones of "Murder Train." Back in the apartment, Ted declares this to be Lily's masterpiece. And Marshall. He's all atwitter. "We're getting a stake-out van!"

Stake-out in front of Robin & Barney's favorite diner: Lily, Marshall and Ted are in a station wagon. Marshall's painfully disappointed, but Ted didn't want to spend the extra 25 bucks for a van. As Marshall spies on Robin and Barney with his binoculars, a guy in a robot costume comes up and is all, "Greetings, Will Robinson." Lily couldn't land a Storm Trooper. She thinks one robot is as good as the , which sets Ted and Marshall off about how Storm Troopers aren't robots and blah. , a pizza delivery guy shows up at the station wagon, asking if someone ordered an extra large sausage pie. Ted cracks about how one of Barney's vids starts out like that. When the delivery man isn't sure "it" will "fit in" there, Ted just gets worse. Why the guy doesn't tilt the pizza box to get it through the window, I don't know. Then he asks if they shouldn't be in a van since they're on a stake-out. This re-ignites Ted and Marshall's kerfuffle about the extra dough a van would have cost. The robot wants a slice of pizza. Lily argues on his behalf with Ted, who is too cheap to share. Then? Alan Thicke shows up, and mentions he was looking for a van. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. There's more Star Wars Storm-Troopers-Are-People-Too/It's the Death Star quibbling between Lily and Marshal. Alan Thick reluctantly plays the "I'm Alan Thicke card," which probably doesn't work on anyone. The pizza guy bitches about no one taking his sausage. That brings Ted back to Barney's porn. The robot is, "Jonesing for some 'za." Thicke drops his own name. Again. The pizza guy says, "This ain't what I signed up for," which Marshall had been dying to say (if only they had a van). Finally, Lily lays the smack down on everyone, but is she in time?

At the end of her rant, Lily takes the binoculars and trains them on Barney and Robin in the diner -- only to see them looking right back at her. After a commercial break, crazy Meg shows up, hopeful that Barney will propose to her. Ted says, "Oh, honey." Marshall wants to abort the mission, but Lily will not leave her masterpiece undone. Thicke drops his own name one more time. Meg gets crazy eyes as she says, "You're Alan Thicke?" Thicke denies his name and Lily tells him he's up -- and sends him into the diner to meet up with Barney and Robin. Crazy Meg is sent in , then the robot, and the bus boy and his stack of dirty dishes finishes the scene. But Barney and Robin? They just walk away from the crazy and kiss.

Station Wagon: Lily can't believe they're kissing and wonders why her plan isn't working. Ted says, "Because they're in love." Lily is convicted of her sins and can't believe she once again interfered in this way. Marshall notes, "It really was just a rough patch." Lily says, "What the hell am I doing? This whole thing was a mistake." The not-a-Storm-Trooper-Robot leans in the window. "So, uh, any of you dudes wanna get high?" The gang gives him a dirty look and we sideways slide to...

MacLaren's: Thicke and the pizza guy sit with Lily, Marshall and Ted -- who is proposing a toast to an absent Barney and Robin. Saget!Ted says, "That was the moment we learned that relationships take hard work -- that eventually, everything will work out." Just then, a re-beautified Robin enters the bar. When Lily asks her where Barney is, Robin pauses. "Uh... we broke up." Saget!Ted interjects: "And that was the moment we unlearned that other lesson we had just learned a few seconds earlier." In flashback, we learn that Barney and Robin never even spotted Ted, Lily, Marshall and their cast of crazies. They just spotted the reflection of their fat(suit)/old selves in the diner window, and admitted they weren't happy. They can't figure out what went wrong until -- while listing their similarities -- Barney says they're both awesome, and Robin speculates, "Maybe there's too much awesome, here." Barney nods. "Exactly. Two awesomes cancel each other out." They decide to break up, but since they still love each other, they don't know how to deal until Robin say, "Maybe this isn't a break-up. Maybe this is two friends getting back together." It's only then that Thicke, Crazy Meg and the rest of Lily's masterpiece come on the scene. Barney and Robin's old argument triggers don't bother them, but they can't stand the chaos, so they escape and kiss for old time's sake, which is what our gang saw on the stake-out. Barney suggests that maybe when Robin turns 40, if she hasn't found anyone... Robin says, "Oh, I already have that deal with Ted." So Barney says, "Right. Stupid." I do not like thinking about Barney and Chris Farley in the same breath, m'kay, Show? Barney doesn't know my crazy trains of thought though, so he adds, "Maybe when you turn 39, if you haven't found anyone..." They laugh and walk out, arm-in-arm, while Saget!Ted narrates, "It turns out that they really did just need to let things run their course."

MacLaren's: Marshall asks Robin how Barney's doing. She says she thinks he's okay. "It might be a while before he fully recovers..." Just then, she, and everyone else at the table shivers. She asks the table if they just felt a chill. They agree and then... A beat. The "Peter Gunn Theme" plays. We see his shoes, first. Shiny, black patent leather. The crease on his trousers could cut butter. The women eye him appreciatively, and with no modesty. Just the way he likes it. The camera pans up his form. He's slender. Lean. Hard. He adjusts his cuffs. He has only one chin. It's BARNEY! Sans fat suit. He straightens his tie and raises his right eyebrow. "Daddy's home." He winks, and we fade to black.

End tag: Alan Thicke rises to leave and exchanges parting pleasantries with Robin. Lily says she loves how they're still friends so long after doing the music video. Thicke says, "Music video? Oh, the "Sandcastles" video...Yes, yes. We did that together, too." Barney scurries over from the bar. "What do you mean, too?" Thicke says, "Well, we had this failed, Canadian TV variety show." Robin telegraphs for him to stop, but Thicke's on a roll. "That was so embarrassing. Imagine what would happen if anybody ever got their hands on that again." Robin knocks on his chest and laughs in a way that's meant to encourage him to leave. And he does. A beat. Barney sets his drink on the table. Robin sinks into her chair. Barney stands there. And then? He runs out of the bar, arms and legs flailing, like the Barney we used to know.

So, here's my thing. I am not a hardcore 'shipper for these two. I thought their leap from "we're doing something undefined" to "couple" was far too rushed. And I think their break-up was far too rushed, too. That said, I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing. The show was focusing on them too much. That said, I think this could have been carried on a little more. Now granted, when future-Ted is telling his children about his pre-marital life, he's not giving them the week-by-week details. But... we are watching this show week to week. It's not just episodic to us. And I feel like someone said, "C'mere, I'ma tell you a different sort of love story in the middle of this romantic tale," and then pulled the rug out from under me. So yeah, maybe Barney and Robin didn't have their first argument just a week ago, but that's how it was told to me -- so that's how it feels to me. I don't know what to think. But I do know the episode left me feeling so very low down. The people in the forums are worried that this will turn into another Ross and Rachel. I'm not, but only because I tuned out when Ross and Rachel became... the annoying version of Ross and Rachel. Instead, I'm afraid this will turn out to be another Elliot and J.D. -- the couple that belonged together, but that the writers wouldn't put together until after it was clear Scrubs (or least Scrubs as we know it) was set to end. Give me Barney and Robin, or don't. But don't ruin them. I feel weird saying this in the middle of the season. It's sort of not fair. I'd never react this way when reading a book -- which is probably the fairest comparison to make to a TV show with serial elements. But? Yeah. No. Either fish or cut bait, writers. This is Ted's story. You could have had Barney and Robin continue happily (and/or unhappily) in the background, while you got to the fricking point. And, maybe that's your plan. I don't know. But don't squeeze them dry. Okay? I'd rather remember them as they once were than keep coming back to this depressing shite. And? Please. No more fat suits. K? Thx bye.

Join us Monday for "The Playbook" -- which is what Barney hits, as he tries to get back into the dating scene. In the meantime, come on over to the forums and have a slice. Storm Troopers and robots are welcome.

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Cindy is wicked frickin' pissed off at her kids' pediatrician right now, so she can't think of anything funny for her end tag. Feel free to distract her at CynthiaMcLennan[at]gmail.com, or follow her on Twitter.