And...the streak is over. That's all right. Unless you're the San Antonio Spurs, such dominance is an aberration of nature. It tempts the Gods and makes them strike you down with lightning and locusts. This episode ends up being more serious than funny, which is a shame because they were really on a roll. That's all right. I'm sure they'll make it up to us week.
In the year 2030, I still have hair on my head. A man can dream, can't he? Also, SagetTed's kids sit on the couch, looking more bored than usual. SagetTed says they've finally arrived at the story of his 30th birthday. The kids do not betray a second of change in their expression. He could be telling them about Holocaust 2012. SagetTed says it's also the time for the long-awaited story of... The Goat, which was mentioned in the "Milk" episode. We cut to a black goat with some white trimming on its face and flanks at it bleats in a small bathroom. Don't get too attached to the goat, folks.
Over an image of the New York City skyline, SagetTed says that the week was just like any other. Barney woke up, he says, in some girl's bed. We pan up a bed with a brown blanket and cream-colored sheets to see Barney and Robin lying side-by-side. Nice torso, Barney! Both look stunned and uncomfortable. Barney explains that the way this normally goes is they have a few moments of awkward chit-chat. "Check," Robin says. Barney tells her that he usually then makes up some "Cabinet meeting, heart surgery, rocket test flight" he has to be at. He sneaks out and never calls again. Robin finishes the story: he'll then tell his pal Robin at the bar about his latest conquest and she'll ask herself what kind of self-loathing idiot climbed into bed with Barney. Barney says she usually tells him that out loud. Barney puts his hand behind his head and...hey, nice bicep! Barney's really got it going on. Why cover all that up with suits? Barney moans that he just slept with his best friend's ex-girlfriend. Robin says she just slept with her ex-boyfriend's good friend. "Best friend," Barney corrects. Robin lays down the rule: she says as soon as her feet hit the ground, this never happened. Barney agrees. Robin starts to roll over, but Barney pulls the covers up to look at her naked bod. He says, "Right click, save as... in the 'bpeg' folder, OK!" I love that Barney doesn't even have to explain that "bpeg" is a proprietary Barney-peg image format. Barney repeats that this never happened. He says it's a good plan. Robin puts on her pink silk robe and says that now they go back to how things were before. You mean when there was so much sexual tension between you two? As Robin gets up to walk away, Barney stops her. He reveals that he totally nailed the chick from Metro News One last night. He raises a hand for some high-fivin'. What! Up! Robin reluctantly gives him five.
Ba ba pa pa!
Barney is still in bed. I admire that Barney is not so metrosexual that he waxes his chest. Robin, standing, says she's going to take a shower ("Till June") and that, because Barney was never here, she doesn't expect him to be there when she gets out. Barney agrees. "This never happened!" he says, cheerfully. He lies back in bed and keeps repeating it to himself. He looks sadder the more he says it.
MacLaren's. SagetTed says that pretending it didn't happen wouldn't make it any easier. Barney, having grabbed a Scotch from the bar, sits down with the gang. He's surprised when Ted asks him what it was like to "Penetrate that barrier." Barney is a little horrified. Ted says he and Barney were the first ones to hit it, at least at their table. Barney, eye twitching, says, "I, I, I, I..." Marshall says that he'll be hitting it pretty soon. "Yeah you are," Robin agrees, sexily. "When I hit it, I'm gonna go nuts!" Lily says. She says it's gonna last all night and she thinks she wants a clown there. Barney almost spits up his drink. Robin says she's a little scared of clowns, but for Lily, she's there. "What are you talking about?" Barney asks. Ted says they're talking about turning 30. Ted asks if Barney forgot his birthday, which is that Friday. "What kind of friend is this guy?" Ted asks. Barney nervously says he's the best kind and asks if these drinks are getting smaller. He says if this were a doctor's office, they'd tell him to try again. Nobody laughs. Robin plays it cool as Barney wheezes a little. Ted tells the group that he's sorting through his stuff and getting rid of anything he has no more use for. Ted asks if Barney wants his Xbox. Barney gasps. "Ted, she has a name!" he cries in horror. Hee hee. Barney, cracking, asks what he's being accused of. "Liking video games?" Ted asks. Robin excuses herself to go to the bar. Barney follows. Barney says this is awkward. "What is?" Robin asks. Robin puts up a convincing front in pretending nothing happened. Ted sneaks up behind Barney. "Hey!" he says. Barney ducks and cowers. Ted asks what they're talking about. He says he knows what's going. He knows about the surprise party they're throwing. Ted asks them to make sure they invite Stella. "Stella!" Barney cries, "you have a serious girlfriend now!" Barney makes a big show of saying, "Robin who, right?" No. Samantha. He says Stella makes this one look like a filthy bag of garbage. Robin continues smiling. Barney wishes Ted happy birthday.
Marshall at the apartment. The phone rings. He answers it while holding an Xbox 360 controller and sitting to a beer, a bowl of popcorn and other snacks. What is up with Marshall's hair? It's getting really long and Hugh Grant-floppy. Barney, out on the street, is calling. He says he needs Marshall's help. Marshall says he's focused on the job hunt right now. Barney says he wants to hire him. Marshall reiterates that he will not be Barney's butler. Barney needs a lawyer. He'll pay. "How much?" Marshall asks. "A little," Barney says. Marshall will take it.
Barney's skyscraper office. Barney double-locks the glass door to his office as Marshall, still wearing his beat-up green "Kawasaki racing" T-shirt, is sitting in a chair, reading over a legal document. He's worried because the document could lead to a war with Portugal. Barney takes the document, which he dismisses by saying that's just a Tuesday for him. Barney shoves the document into a large black shredder. It's fast. Barney reveals that he got it on SkyMall. Whenever he's upset, he shops SkyMall. "Want a hot dog?" he asks. Barney has a hot dog toaster. "Or course!" Marshall says. Barney is going to tell his secret, but Marshall doesn't want to hear it, especially now that he knows something about the drinking water in Lisbon. Marshall covers his ears, but Barney fools him by tossing him a ball. Marshall catches it and Barney says, "I slept with Robin." Hot dogs pop up with a "Ding!"
We return to Marshall eating a hot dog. No condiments? Barney asks if he's mad. Marshall says he doesn't know. But the hot dog is helping. Marshall raises his voice because he doesn't want to have to keep a secret. Barney tells him he can't tell Lily or anyone else. Barney claims attorney-client privilege, to Marshall's horror. Barney wants Marshall, as his lawyer, to prove he did nothing wrong. Marshall asks if Barney broke in any laws. He suddenly asks if Robin was aware they had sex. Barney says he broke no state or federal laws. But he broke a higher law: the Bro Code. Barney pulls out a bound volume as Gregorian monks chant. SagetTed tells us that Barney had for years quoted the Bro Code, rules for Bros. He says some were basic: we side-whoosh to MacLaren's, where Barney delivers Bro Code Article 1, "Bros before hos!" SagetTed says others were complicated. We side-whoosh to the apartment where Barney explains Article 89: Bro moms are off limits, but step-moms are fine as long as they come onto the Bro first and/or is wearing one article of leopard print clothing. Another flashback: Article 34. Barney explains at the bar that two Bros cannot make eye contact during a "Devil's Threeway." That means two dudes, one girl. Back at Barney's office, Marshall says the Bro Code is just a bunch of stuff Barney wrote. Barney recounts the glorious history of the Bro Code. Goodie!
The Year 1776, Philadelphia. We see George Washington and Benjamin Franklin arguing about how Franklin "Calleth dibs on that wench." Apparently, he was codpiece-blocked. Franklin believes there should be a set of rules governing how Bros comport themselves among other Bros. This is awesome. Washington asks who should do it: he has to go to "Me, D.C." and pose for the one-dollar bill. Franklin says he has a kite to go fly or something. Barney, or rather, Barnabus Stinson, who is dressed like Samuel Adams on the beer bottle, tells them he'll draft the document. He's hanging out with two wenches, one of whom has tall Bride of Frankenstein hair. Barnabus says he'll write the Bro Code on the back of the Constitution, to save paper. Washington declares that Barnabus will write the Bro Code. Cheers from everyone. Barnabus tells them he'll include the provision about the Devil's Threeway. "Seconded!" Washington and Franklin both say. Then they give each other an awkward look. Oops!
Back In the office, Barney asks why Marshall thinks he feels so bad. "Because you slept with Robin!" Marshall says. Barney says no, that part was awesome. He feels bad because the Bro Code clearly states, "No sex with your Bro's ex." He wants Marshall to find a loophole. He'll be paid by a "Toy factory in Pyongyang," Barney says. Marshall thinks this is just a way to avoid a confrontation with Ted. Barney says that if he wanted a psych evaluation, he'd get the guy who hypnotizes his staff before a deposition. He dismisses Marshall from the office.
We cut to Lily's classroom, where an old-timey farmer has brought a goat. Don't they usually take the kids to the farm animals? Lily is making a cold medicine excuse for the farmer showing up with alcohol on his breath. He's plastered. One of the kids asks if they'll ever see Missy the Goat again. Nope. Because the farmer is planning on dropping the goat off at the butcher right after this. He goes into graphic detail on what happens , traumatizing the kids. And Lily. One of the kids begs Lily not to let them kill Missy. Cut to a montage of Lily trying to get the goat into a cab as the farmer counts his money. This is how the farm industry really works.
At the apartment, Lily is trying to explain to Ted why she came home with a goat. She called animal rescue, but they won't pick up the goat until Monday. Ted asks where Missy will sleep, eat and go to the bathroom. Missy bleats and poops on the floor, answering that last bit. Lily offers to put her on the room. Ted doesn't think this is going to work out. SagetTed interrupts to say, as foreboding music plays, that what Missy did in that bathroom was so foul, that -- he stops himself to say that he's getting ahead of himself and he'll tell that bit later. Er... thanks? I wonder if SagetTed's kids ever storm out of the room in frustration. Back in the living room, the goat is gone, but Ted is still there. How the Hell did Lily get the goat up the fire escape? Robin walks in. She asks what's up with the goat turd. "How did you know it was a goat turd?" Ted asks. She says it was either goat or musk ox, and a musk ox being there would be ridiculous. Marshall walks in. Ted is going to tell him about the goat, but Marshall shouts, "Attorney-client privilege, I can't talk about it!" Marshall notices a goat turd on the floor. Ted asks how everyone can spot a goat turd. Robin corners Marshall in the kitchen and has figured out that he knows what's up between her and Barney. He nervously avoids her gaze as his shaking hand is turning the soft drink he's holding into a time bomb. Ted calls for Robin. Robin warns Marshall that Ted will never find out because nobody's saying anything. She also warns him not to open the drink until she's out of the splash zone. As Marshall is opening his drink, we cut immediately to the scene.
Barney is at his desk shredding documents and speaking Korean into his iPhone. When he's done with the conversation, he tosses the iPhone into the shredder. Marshall walks in, holding the Bro Code book. He says Barney did too good a job: it's iron-clad. "No! Bad lawyer!" Barney snaps. Barney needs a loophole. He feels terrible and keeps buying things. "I have six self-cleaning litter boxes and I don't even have a kid!" he says. Barney asks if Ted might have broken the Bro Code at some point. Marshall says he thought of that, but that Ted has upheld the Code time and time again. He reads Article 87: "A Bro shall at all time say, 'Yes.' " Side-whoosh to MacLaren's, where a girl Barney is hitting on is trying to confirm his story with Ted. She asks if Barney saved him from an avalanche. "Yes," Ted answers. And carried him six miles on a broken leg? "Yes," Ted says. Also, Ted is a pre-op transsexual nightclub singer who used to be a member the Russian mob? "Da," he answers. I'm surprised he didn't have to sing a song. Marshall reads Article 29, which states that a Bro must alert his Bro, in a timely matter, when a girl fight happens. Cut to Ted on his phone, calling Barney as a fight breaks out at MacLaren's. Ted tells Barney, who is in his office, what's happening. Barney utters the most hilarious, high-pitched "Whaaaaaat!?" and jumps out of his seat. We see Barney running down the street flailing his arms. He's at MacLaren's in seconds, before Ted has even hung up the phone. They watch the fight. Awesome. Marshall reads Article 53: A Bro will provide, whenever possible, his Bro with protection. We see Barney giving a girl a massage by an open window. One of those grabber sticks from the supermarket enters behind the girl's back holding a three-pack of condoms. Barney puts them in his suit pocket. The girl wishes they had wine. Barney says he wishes so, too. The grabby stick reappears, moving its claw. Barney gives it some money. Barney, frustrated, yells at Marshall to find the answer in the Bro Code. Marshall says it's not about the Code. He says Barney feels bad because he did something wrong and he'll need to tell Ted. Barney worries that Ted will never speak to him again. Marshall thinks that's a chance he'll have to take.
"Which brings us to April 25, 2008, my 30th birthday," SagetTed says. He says it would later be referred to as "The Day of the Goat." We cut to Lily on the rooftop, wearing a party hat. She's among partygoers. She tells someone on the phone, "Hey, where are you?" Barney is in his limo, outside Ted's office. Lily tells him that Stella is already there and there's something so awesome, she won't even tell him what it is. "Goat in a party hat?" Barney asks. "Dammit!" Lily says. The goat has a party hat. It's funny. Lily says that he still has to come see it. The camera zooms in on the goat as SagetTed says, "In a few short hours, Lily would come to regret those words." Cut to the goat in the bathroom, bleating. "But... we'll get there," SagetTed says. Argh! Not cool! Barney hangs up the phone. Ted gets into the limo with Barney. Lily, back at the party, asks the goat if she's excited. Quick close-up of the goat as horror music plays.
The limo. They're leaving the city. Ted asks where they're going. "Vegas," Barney answers. Ted asks about the roof party. Barney says that a roof party is happening, but they're not going. Barney says that Ted's other friends want him to drink flat beer 10 feet above his apartment. "But not me, brah," Barney says. He's arranged for a private jet, the Valderrama suite at the Bellagio, steaks at Boa, Scotch at Ghostbar and then ringside seats to watch Floyd Mayweather go 10 rounds with... "Wait for it"... a grizzly bear! Holy shit! I want to be 30 again! Ted, annoyed, tells Barney to take him home. Barney says there's something he wants to tell Ted, but wanted him to be in the best frame of mind before he heard it. "You slept with Robin," Ted says flatly. The limo comes to a stop. Hey, Ranjit is the driver! Ranjit can't believe Barney slept with Ted's ex-girlfriend. He starts cursing Barney out in another language. Barney closes the window to shut out his own guilt. "When'd you find out?" Barney asks. Side-whoosh to the apartment. Right at the moment Marshall was about to open his soda can, Ted called for Robin. Ted is showing Robin an old photo of the two of them from a trip they took as Marshall opens the can and spills it all over himself. The photo Ted has is of a vacation they took to Vermont. Ted offers to let her kept he picture. "I slept with Barney!" she says suddenly. She says it was just one time, right after she got dumped by Simon. She says she was vulnerable and that she wanted to pretend it didn't happen, but she can't. That sounds a lot like she's blaming Barney for taking advantage, when that's really not what happened. Ted looks stunned. She asks if they're still friends. Let a brother think about it! Ted instantly says they're still friends. She asks if he's mad. Ted says he feels weird, but he's not mad. We side-whoosh back to the limo. "Wow," Barney says. "So you're not mad?" Barney asks. "No! I'm not mad!" Ted lies, in a high voice. Ted says that they broke up a year ago, he's with Stella now and he's fine with this. Barney says he's so relieved. Ted says offhandedly that his mom is coming into town month. "MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO NAIL HER, TOO!" he screams. Er, I guess he's a little mad.
Rooftop party. Goat petting. Lily asks if they can keep the goat. Marshall is not at all about that and would rather have his mental patient uncle come over if they want to live with someone who sheds and shits all over the place. Lily brings up that Robin slept with Barney and it's not very smooth. Marshall couldn't take the pressure anymore. Lily says that's so gross. Then she asks if it was amazing. Robin doesn't want to talk about it. Lily says she's curious because it's Barney and all. "Did he have devices and stuff?" she asks. "Hot wax? Did he tie you up?" Marshall and Robin are both shocked and Marshall asks what's wrong with her. "Was he all smooth down there?" Lily asks after a pause. OMG. With Lily to the goat and everyone whispering, it's pretty funny.
Limo. Ted is bitching out Barney for sleeping with the one woman out of three billion on the planet that he's had a long relationship with. Barney says he's horrified at what happened. Ted wants to know how it happened. "You mean... what position?" Barney asks. They start wrestling. Ranjit lowers the windows and cheers for Ted to hit Barney. Barney offers to let Ted hit him, anywhere but in the face. Ted punches Barney in the sack. Barney screams. "Who punches someone in the groin?" he asks. He finally decides he deserved that. He's happy to be past this. Ted says it's not just about Robin. He says he's seen Barney do some bad things to a lot of different people. Ted says he always thought he was Barney's limit. He asks if this isn't one of the Bro rules. "Yeah. And I broke it," Barney says, sadly. He says he's sorry. Barney mentions the Bellagio again. Ted says he's not going to Vegas with Barney to ditch his friends and girlfriend and hang out at some strip club. Ted brings up the box of stuff he has no more use for. "What does that mean?" Barney asks. Ted says that maybe Barney belongs in the box. Barney asks if Ted doesn't want to be Bros anymore. "I'm saying I don't want to be friends anymore," Ted says. Barney says this is going to ruin Vegas. Ted tells Ranjit to stop the car. Ted gets out and goes to look for a cab. Close-up on Barney. He looks devastated.
Ted gets home. There's nobody in the apartment. He puts down his work bag and climbs up to the roof through the fire escape as melancholy music plays. Cut to the limo. Barney is going to take a drink, but stops himself. Cut back to Ted. On the rooftop, everyone yells surprise. Ted smiles and nods.
We return to the bathroom and the goat. "Oh, right, the goat!" SagetTed says. Yes, the goat. Explain the fucking goat already. We see the goat chewing on a pink towel. SagetTed says this is funny and they're going to love this. He says later that night, the goat locked herself in the bathroom and was eating one of Robin's pink towels. He stops himself. "Wait a minute. Robin wasn't living here on my 30th birthday. When did this happen? Oh, wait the goat was there on my 31st birthday! Sorry. I totally got that wrong." And we cut to black. Seriously. That's it. No awesome goat joke. Just a hint that Robin will be living there in another year. However, this doesn't mean she'll be moving in with Ted. It could be that Ted is moving out and Robin is taking over the apartment. I mean, who wouldn't want to live above MacLaren's? So all the goat stuff didn't even happen this year? Then why was the goat there while they were waiting for Ted to show up and they had the conversation about Barney and Robin? SagetTed, you, sir, an unreliable narrator! Good night to you! I SAID GOOD NIGHT, SIR!