Beek Man's World

S03E16

The streak continues.

In the year 2030, the kids are still sitting on the couch, resting after a filling meal of protein pill. SagetTed tells them that their Aunt Robin used to be a Canadian pop star. We get a quick montage of Robin's not-so-glory years, including her "Let's Go to the Mall" video. He says that by 2008, she was entirely different person. We see clips of Robin shooting at a gun range and Robin sitting on an expensive leather chair smoking a cigar. Do Canadian pop stars not shoot guns and smoke cigars? We see Robin doing the nightly news to a photo of an adorable baby. "Coming up ," she says, "is your baby trying to kill you?" Man, it sure feels like it sometimes.

We cut right to MacLaren's, where Ted is telling a boring story about being cold, but he interrupts himself smoothly to say, "And I don't know why I'm still talking because clearly we're all asking the same question: what in God's creation is going on with Robin's breasts?" Dude, I was just thinking that, too! She's wearing a very fancy blue dress with a neckline that plunges almost down to her navel. She's got side-cleavage happening. I was just wondering why she was so dressed up for beers with friends. Robin enthusiastically explains that she spent a half hour making this boob sculpture happen. That long? I could have helped! Robin says there's tape, cotton balls, and half a Nerf football in there. Where do the boobs go? Robin says she's expecting an old friend from Canada. Barney snarks that it must have been someone she went to Degrassi with. Robin says it was actually her first boyfriend. Side-whosh to THE BEEK! James Van Der Beek, with big fluffy hair that sizes his head so that it towers above all men, is standing by a beach, wearing a leather jacket and a white Hard Rock Café t-shirt. She says Beek, er, Simon, smelled like Drakkar, could ollie on a skateboard and had a collection of those Hard Rock T-shirts. We see Teen Robin Sparkles (wearing Mardi Gras beads?) walking with Simon. She's got a giant blue bow on her blonde hair. And, oy, pink leggings. Robin says they spent the whole summer together and they were madly in love. "Tell me more," Barney says, "tell me more. Like, did he have a car?" Marshall, who has his hair combed back a little strangely, tries to find a delicate way to ask a question: "Did he take your maple leaf?" he asks. Everyone laughs. Barney asks if he gave Robin her first "O, Canada!" face. Hee hee. SagetTed says that this went on for a while. We fast-forward through a bunch of jokes. He says some of the jokes were elegant and well-crafted. Lily asks if Simon broke up with her and told her he just wasn't that "Inuit." He says others were crude and ill-formed. "Uh...something about fur trapping," Ted tries. SagetTed says others were obvious and needed to be said. Barney asks if she rode Simon's Zamboni. Bravo! Marshall winds up for another one, but realizes he's out of jokes. Ted says he's also "Oot." Now he's really out. Robin says it was very tame: they only dated a week and a half, which she says is how long summer lasts in Canada: it's only late July. She starts to tell the story of their breakup, which happened after one of Simon's music gigs.

By Omar G

We side-whoosh across a truly ugly van painted with a dude with giant wings and a sun and...my God, I can't look at it any longer. My eyes will hate me if I continue staring. We see Teen Robin pushing some audio equipment toward the back of the van. In a very exaggerated Canadian accent, Robin tells Simon that it was such a good show and that they rocked. He agrees in an equally silly accent. He says they're just a few gigs away from exploding. Teen Robin starts loading equipment into the van, without Simon's help. He says they're gonna be big: "Like Crash Test Dummies big!" That's huge! Simon takes her hand. "Listen, babe," he tells her, "it's over." D'oh! He says he's getting back together with Louise Marsh. Lily, back at the bar, says that's a whore's name. Marshall can't believe he'd want to get with Louise Marsh. Nobody knows Louise Marsh. Back in the past, Simon says that Louise's parents just put in a pool. Teen Robin says she totally gets it. She says pools are great and swimming is awesome. She says they have a sprinkler. They run right through it. She tries to leave. Simon calls her back, making her hopeful. "You forgot to load the drum set," he tells her. Back at the bar, everyone begs Robin to tell them she didn't load the drum set. She did. Marshall asks why Robin would want to see this guy again. Lily figured it out: Robin wants to win. Robin pretends not to know what she's talking about. Ted has to explain that when you haven't seen someone in a long time, there's always a clear winner and a clear loser. Robin says they should add up points. Barney points out Robin's two big points in her dress. Robin says Simon still lives with his mom and his band never took off. Two points for Robin. Robin says Simon works at a water park outside of Ottawa. Marshall thinks that is a point for Simon, but he is mistaken after Ted determines that they have no wave pool. That's five points for Robin. She says there's no way he can win with that unless somehow he got hotter. Simon walks in. SagetTed says there was a clear winner and a clear loser. Simon is wearing baggy brown pants, a fugly "Chicago" shirt, a dumpy lavender flannel shirt over that, and a bored expression. We pan up to see stubble and a huge, balding pate. Everyone looks at him with disdain...except Robin. "Hey, babe," Simon says. Robin giggles horribly: "Oh my God!" she says. Oh my God!

By Omar G

Ba ba pa pa!

Upstairs at the apartment, Ted is asking what just happened. Robin tries to assure the group that it wasn't so bad. A quick flashback to the bar reveals otherwise. Simon sits to Robin and says, "Look at you! You got old." Ted makes a face. Robin plays with her hair and says that Simon got hotter, if that's possible. You poor, poor woman. Upstairs, Robin tells the group she can't help it: Simon's still got it. Please, God, don't give it to me. Back in Flashbackland, Simon is complaining about $4 beers at MacLaren's. He pulls out a tallboy from one of his many pants pockets as he says, "What a rip!" In the present, Robin explains that he's not a snob. She says he's Northern Canada. The big maple leaf on the back of the pick-up truck: "He's Red Province! He's from the Deep North!" she says. Hee. Barney can't believe it. Marshall says they gave Robin plenty of opportunities to "win." Back at MacLaren's, they're trying to get Robin to talk about her celebrity status as a news anchor. Robin undercuts herself, saying it's not cool like Simon's ass-ugly shirt. Barney asks Simon what he does for a living. He says he works at Splish Splash Ottawa Water Slide Park. Ted, scoffing, says that's sure different than what Robin does. Simon says it is because he saves lives. He demonstrates his technique for letting riders pass at the top of the water slide. "Go...Go...Go..." he explains. Ted stifles a giggle. Simon invites him to try it. As Ted does, Simon keeps interrupting him with a tally of kids who are getting killed by Ted's bad technique. Ted loses, and Robin has something to report on the news as dead kids pile up. Lily tries to bring up the band that went nowhere. Simon informs them that the band is still together. They're called The Foreskins. Best. Band name. EVER! Only Fivehead is better, and I think Van Der Beek is in that one, too. Ted asks how they came up with the band name. Simon says there's four of them and they play without shirts. Ha ha. Awesome. Robin apologizes for her lame friends. Upstairs in the present, Robin apologizes to those lame friends. She sticks up for Simon, too, impressed that the band kept going since she gave up her own music career. Barney brings up an important piece of information he gathered: that Simon and Robin met at the filming of her second video. It makes Barney excited. He asks Robin to give them the tape. Robin says no. Barney promises to forego eating and sleeping trying to track down that tape. He says his life will be a living Hell of search engines and overseas phone calls. Robin is fine with that. Barney sits at the computer to start searching. Marshall asks why Robin has suddenly lost her cool. Robin says that sitting to Simon makes her feel 16 again. Ted says it's common to revert back to how you acted in earlier years when you spend time with someone from the past. Marshall calls it "revertigo." Ted's not sure about that name. Marshall whispers (as Lily is in the bathroom or elsewhere) that his wife gets revertigo when she's around her friend Michelle. Ted, also whispering, asks if they know about Lily and Michelle. Marshall and Ted are giddy. Marshall calls Lily over and says they haven't hung out with Michelle in a while. Lily calls her to see if she wants to hang out. As Lily leaves the room, Barney asks if they made out. Marshall and Ted say it's comparable. We leave it at that for now. Robin admits defeat on the Simon front. She says you don't get a second chance.

MacLaren's. The group is not happy with Robin. Robin explains that a lot of people adopted those puppies. She adds that it might have been because they thought the puppies were about to be murdered. Marshall says Robin's revertigo is affecting her work. Ted says it's a made up word with no meaning, but Lily says it reminds her of what someone in their group does. Marshall tries not to laugh. Lily says she's talking about Ted. Lily talks about Ted and his friend Punchy. Ted says his friend is named Adam Punciarello and he doesn't do that. Side-whoosh to Adam arriving at the apartment and Ted answering the door. His friend Punchy and he start wrestling immediately. They only stop when Ted says, "Sorry about your dad." "Yeah, it was a real shock," Punchy says, sadly. Robin watches all this in disgust.

Ted can't believe Lily of all people is saying this. "Why?" she asks. "No reason," Ted says, dropping the subject. Robin says the truth is she likes Simon. She has fun with him. Lily says they're worried about Robin. She asks if there's a version where Lily and Marshall don't sound like her parents. They go into parental mode. Lily takes the mom role and forbids Robin to see Simon. Robin gets mad. "This is my life! You just don't get it! You never felt the way I feel!" Marshall says they were once young and in love like her. "Yeah, like a billion years ago," Robin says. Lily says Robin's been drinking. They all have. Lily bought the last round. Lily forbids Robin from going to a show. Robin says she's going and after the show, she's going all the way with Simon. Robin storms off. Lily turns angrily to Marshall and says coldly, "Thanks for your help." Ted tries to start telling a story about something that happened at work. "NOT NOW, TED!" Marshall snaps at him.

A familiar scene. Robin is pushing band equipment to the same Foreskins van after a show, only now she's grown up. Her accent has crept back as she tells Simon it was a great show. He bangs on the van's ceiling and asks why he can't always feel this alive. Robin starts loading up the van. She likes seeing him this happy. He takes her hand and says, "About that...listen babe. It's over." He's getting back with Louise Marsh. Again. Robin thinks it's a joke. It's not. She can't believe he's breaking up with her in the same van for the same girl. She asks if it's because of the pool again. Simon says her parents do have a jacuzzi. Wow. Them's the breaks, Robin.

At MacLaren's, everyone (except for Barney, who is absent) is feeling bad for Robin. Lily calls Simon a "dawg," for reals. Michelle, it turns out, it sitting right to her. She gives Lily some slide-hand and agrees: "Fo' real!" She says he's a scrub. Lily goes to the bar to get her "champagne and grape soda on." Ted asks Michelle how Columbia is going. "Great!" she says in a normal voice, "I'm almost done with my dissertation!" She's getting a PhD in behavioral psychology. Robin begins to offer an observation, but Michelle already knows what she's going to say and tells her that Lily just brings out that side of her. She says there's a term for it. "Revertigo?" Marshall asks hopefully. "No," Ted tells him. Michelle says it's Associative Regression. Lily puts on a hip-hop song on the jukebox and Michelle reverts back to earlier times as she and Lily get up and dance. Awesome.

SagetTed explains that one-by-one everyone had to go home. Everybody but Robin fades away. They left her at the bar alone? Robin, pretty drunk, starts to cry a little. Barney slides into the booth across from her and admits that he can't find her video. He notices her tears. He asks what's wrong. Robin tells him that Simon dumped her in his van after the show. Barney says that was 10 years ago. She says it happened again. Barney starts to chuckle, but he instantly gives her an "Awww" and goes to her side of the booth to comfort her. He puts an arm around her and offers her a shoulder as she cries. Robin, teary, says that when she was 16, she was vulnerable and open to things. Barney rubs her shoulder. He looks a little turned-on. Robin says she wanted to feel that way again. She wanted to be 16. Barney tells her that's the stupidest thing that's ever come out of her mouth. He says he's watched the first Robin Sparkles video 1,000 times. He says he's watched it because she was totally, totally lame back then. He tells her, "Ka-pow!" and that she's the most awesome person he's ever met. Well, second. Robin thinks he's talking about himself. Barney corrects her: it's actually this guy who lives in a place called The Mirror. What up! Barney tells Robin that she's way more awesome than Simon ever will be. Robin asks Barney if he'd like to come to her place. "Your place?" he asks. She whispers in his ear. Barney looks surprised.

Cut to Robin's couch. Barney looks terrified. He asks if she's sure she wants to do this. She does. She asks Barney not to tell anyone about this. He agrees. "Should I just...put it in?" he asks. Hee. "Yeah, why not?" Robin asks. Barney opens up a VHS tape case. He pops it into a VCR. Robin hits play on the remote. It's the Robin Sparkles video!

From Make it Sparkle, it's "Sandcastles in the Sand" on Dominant Records. Robin Sparkles, wearing a long white dress, walks along the beach. "Met you at the maaaaaall!" she sings. Present-Day Robin explains that this was her big artistic follow-up to "Let's Go to the Mall." Barney is entranced. "It kinda tanked," she says. In the video, we've gone to black and white. Teen Robin and Teen Simon are frolicking. Three girls in schoolgirl outfits are the Greek chorus. The one in the middle says, "You're a fool!" and is answered with, "Shut up!" "Is that Tiffany?" Barney asks. It is. Back on the beach, Robin Sparkles sings to a spinning globe. A map shows a van going from Alberta to Ontario. We cut back to the couch as Barney says it's everything he wanted and more. Eh, not so much. It's good, but not as good as "Mall," sadly. We cut back to Robin Sparkles sitting on a desk on the sand. There's a whole set of furniture there and a man sits in the background reading a newspaper. Robin sings about sandcastles in the sand. "Is that Alan Thicke?" Barney asks. It is. On screen, some handwritten text reads, "It was the greatest week and a half of my life...R+S 4EVA." Barney tells Robin that if they re-edit the video, there's a tampon commercial in there somewhere. More singing. More beach shots. Robin Sparkles and Teen Simon kiss with tongues, messily. Robin and Barney agree that she was totally lame back then. The robot shows up to cheer up Robin Sparkles. He's carrying flowers! Awww. She should just date the robot. Robin says it was her sidekick. SagetTed says that they watched the video again and again. Shots of Robin Sparkles and Teen Simon arguing. Girls jumping rope. Text that reads, "Who am I?" Sparkles sings, "Let's go all the way! I'm ready. Let's do it!" SagetTed says they watched again. "I'm on the pill now!" Robin Sparkles says. More video watching. SagetTed says they kept watching and watching until finally...they stopped watching. We see Robin and Barney kissing passionately. Whoah! Totally saw that coming. But not in this episode. A short promo advertises the full video at cbs.com and on MySpace.

By Omar G

No tag this week. Robin and Barney kissing was quite enough, don't you think? See you week!

-- Omar G. is a journalist and comic living in New Braunfels, Texas. You can find him on Terribly Happy, Space Monkeys! and at Videogamey.com.