The Year 2030. It's only been three seasons, but already SagetTed's daughter has to take a deep, shoulder-raising sigh and his son has to lean over with one elbow on the couch to prop up his sleepy head. Your stories are getting boring, SagetTed! Your children are beginning to resent you! Anyhoo, SagetTed says that the spring of 2008 was a complicated time in his life. Quick flash to last week's Bro-keup, when Ted told Barney he no longer wanted to be friends. Side-whoosh to MacLaren's, where the gang (minus Barney) is sitting at the usual booth. Ted's phone rings. Ted unhappily tells everyone else that it's Barney. He answers reluctantly. "Dude. Seriously, you need to stop calling me," he says. We cut to Barney, leaning back in his office chair. The awesome "Awesomeness" motivational poster is right behind him. Barney says he's sorry he hasn't returned Ted's calls. Ted says he hasn't called. In fact, Barney has called him 15 times. He's called Ted's parents twice. Barney says he's sorry, but he has to let Ted go. "There's just too many good wingmen out there," he says. Dammit! And I had to go and get married four years ago! STUPID, STUPID OMAR! Ted says nothing. Barney asks if he's crying. "No, I'm not," Ted says. Barney tells him to let it out. Ted says goodbye and hangs up the phone. Lily asks if they're back together. "No," Ted says. Lily's smile drops. Marshall admits that he misses Barney. He says he hasn't high-fived anyone in a week and may be losing his fist-bump callus. Robin asks the question that everybody on the forum was asking last week: why is Ted so much more mad at Barney than at her? Lily says that Robin had just as much sex with Barney as he had with her. Robin says that may not be entirely true. Because Barney's a freak-a-deek in the bedroom. Robin says she'd prefer it if Ted was mad at her because this is too weird. Ted says he's not mad at anyone. He says he forgave Robin and has just outgrown Barney as a friend. Lily says Ted's not mad because he's so happy with Stella.
SagetTed says that Lily was right. Side-whoosh to a montage of happy moments. Ted and Stella (I love you, Sarah Chalke!) are watching a movie on the apartment couch, snuggling. Ted and Stella are in her office, eating lunch together. At MacLaren's, she's throwing food into Marshall's mouth and chest-bumping with Lily. Ted says that she had passed the friends test with flying colors. There was just one small problem... in the apartment, Lily exclaims, "You guys haven't had sex yet!?" Ted is with Marshall and Lily. Lily says that two months into their relationship, she and Marshall were doing it 24/7. Ted knows. He was in the top bunk. "I also sat to you guys at football games," he says. Lily asks what they're waiting for. Ted says he thinks Stella just wants to take things slow. He also hasn't met her daughter yet. Marshall figures out that Ted hasn't had sex since around Thanksgiving. Because of the Writers' strike? Marshall asks if Ted is aware how many big federal holidays have passed since then. Lily asks if Marshall remembers MLK Day. Apparently they honored him, "Big time," Marshall says. Ted says he's fine with waiting. On an unrelated note, he asks if they have any gum, ice or bark they're not chewing.
Barney's big office building. Hey, it's my third-favorite current Saturday Night Live cast member: Will Forte! He's wearing a green-striped tie and a short-sleeved work shirt, which is always a little skeevy. He comes into Barney's office and hands him a magazine. He says the new Skymall came in. Barney just tosses it on the desk, disinterested. Will Forte says that word around the Blogosphere is that Barney is looking for a new wingman. He says he's available. He tried to get a signal from Barney's eyebrows. Barney just stares at him. Barney says there's a long list to be Barney's wingman, which he says is "Vice-President of Awesome." He thinks this guy, Randy, is just "Assistant Undersecretary of Only Okay." Randy accepts his new fictional position happily and says he won't let Barney down. Barney starts making some phone calls to old potential Bros. The first guy he invites to MacLaren's is at the hospital. He just had a baby daughter. He's holding her in one arm and talking on the phone in the other in the middle of the hallway. Uh, no. Barney asks if he can still go to MacLaren's. Second call: the guy Barney calls is at a bar and says he's already in a committed Bro relationship with another guy. Barney knows the dude and says he's a good Bro. "I'm happy for you. Best of luck," he says, choking up. Barney calls a last person, Crazy Willie, who certainly looks crazy with his wild red hair and dressed-down manner. Crazy Willie's wild night involves putting the cheese out with his wife at 7, playing Cranium at 8 and watching 27 Dresses at 9. "Everybody's home by 11, BOO-YA!" Crazy Willie says. Wow, I just realized that is my 10 years. Barney hangs up. Then he calls back so he can hang up again.
Stella's office. She and Ted are eating. She's telling the story of a giant pimple or boil or something she can't even identify on some poor guy's back. She says she popped it and pus exploded everywhere like a volcano. Ted is turned on, somehow. "Let's have sex! Right now!" he says. He offers to lock the door. There's no lock. He offers to lean against the door for a hot Ted-Stella-Door threeway. Stella jokes that it'll be weird with her and the door the day. Ted apologizes for being so forward. Stella says she has a confession to make. "You're 14," Ted jokes. Stella tells him she hasn't been with someone in a while. Ted admits that he's in the same boat. She asks how long it's been. He raises his hand with "Five." "Me, too!" she says. Ted was thinking five months. We cut to the apartment living room, where Marshall, Lily and Robin all says, "Five YEARS!?"
Ba ba pa pa!
Marshall still can't get over Stella's sexual dry spell. He's got a laptop and he's decided to help the group put this into the proper context. He says the last time Stella had sex, the movie Seabiscuit had just galloped into theaters. "And our hearts," he adds. Lily says that if she went without sex for even one year, she's be out on the street, sellin' it for a nickel. Oh Lily, you big old horndog. Marshall says that the last time Stella had sex, the world was just learning about SARS. Robin asks if Stella told Ted anything else about her situation. Side-whoosh to the office. Stella is explaining that after her daughter was born, she had a hard time trusting men. She says each one she met gave her a reason not to trust. She says guys regret the girls they didn't sleep with. Girls, she says, regret the men they do sleep with. She says for the last five years, she's had no regrets. She finds Ted staring at her boobs. Ted says her boobs were staring at him first. Back at the apartment, Lily asks if it's ever going to happen with Ted and Stella. Side-whoosh back to the office, where Stella says she thinks she could do it with Ted without regrets. She says she's ready. Ted asks if she means, "Right now, right now." Apartment. Ted tells the group that Stella has arranged to have her sister babysit while they go to a nice hotel. Marshall declares that the last time Stella had sex, The Da Vinci Code had just come out. Not the movie. The book. "Wow," Robin says. Ted's worried about performance, but Lily assures him that anything he does will be fireworks. She remembers her longest dry spell. It was the summer when she and Marshall broke up and she went to San Francisco. We cut to her San Fran apartment, where she's sketching by a window. She's wearing a funky pink top and a headband. Suddenly, there's an earthquake. Lily starts to enjoy herself with the shaking of the Earth. Present-day Lily says, "Oh, San Francisco." You slut of a city! Ted thinks that expectations are going to be pretty high after five years. Marshall, meanwhile, has pulled up a list of notable deaths in 2003. He is stunned to discover the name, "Nell Carter." He didn't know. Marshall is genuinely bummed. Ted says he's going to have to bring his A-game to satisfy this woman. Robin says that's true, especially since she's dead. Wow. This may be the first, "Have sex with dead Nell Carter" joke on prime time television. Not that I'm complaining. Marshall says it's about managing expectations. He asks why he hated Jerry Maguire so much. "Because you're dead inside?" Ted asks. Marshall says that Ted built it up for two weeks and it was a letdown. Ted agrees to try to lower Stella's expectations. Marshall's phone rings. It's Barney. He wants Marshall as his wingman. Marshall says he can't; he's married. Robin's phone rings . "No!" she answers.
Barney's office. He's watching Randy through a window move a huge box with a co-worker. After a moment's pause, Barney calls him over. Randy immediately drops his side of the box and runs to Barney. Barney offers to call Randy up the majors. He asks how Randy would like to be his new wingman. Randy tries to play it cool. He says he has to check his calendar. He goes out into the hallway, and in full view of the window, does an extended victory dance. Contained therein: dancing, jumps for joy, air punching, kicking, air guitar, spasms, The Robot, more giddy jumping. Randy returns, calmly: "Tomorrow works," he tells Barney.
Stella's office. Ted has arrived with an appetizer: a plastic container filled with potato skins. He does a long routine about how they're so great, but he's trying them for the first time in a while. Oh no, they don't live up to the memory. Despite their size and performance. Stella figures out what he's doing. She asks if Ted has a size issue. He says no. "Quick on the draw?" she asks. No. "Unexpected number of testicles?" she asks. Ted explains that he knows this is a big deal. He calls it Virginity: The Sequel. "Virginity 2: Electric Boogaloo?" she asks. All right, that joke was funny when we first started using it about 15 years ago. Ted says he doesn't want to mess it up. Stella tells him to stop worrying. They kiss. Ted asks about the testicle thing. She says she knew a guy in medical school who was "One ball away from getting walked." They didn't call him "Tripod?"
MacLaren's. Randy, wearing a suit that makes him look like an insurance salesman, comes to meet Barney in the traditional friends booth. "What up, Bro-seph Leiberman?" Randy asks. Barney tells him it's not cool to use "Bro" in regards to a failed Democratic vice-presidential candidate. Randy decides not to use "Geraldine Ferrar-Bro." Barney decides to make Randy his masterpiece. He says when he first met Ted, he was a total loser. Barney wants to make Randy the greatest wingman in wingman history. Randy says it won't be that hard: he's been reading Barney's blog for years and Barney is like a god to him. He says tonight is going to be, "Legendary, wait for it... dary!" Groan. Barney spots two hot girls at the bar. He asks if Randy is ready. Randy is ready. As Barney moves to the bar, Randy grabs him and goes, "No, no, no, no!" He's nervous. It happens a second time. Randy tries to give himself a little pep talk. Barney finally goes to the bar and says, "Haaaaave you met..." He turns and Randy is hiding under the booth, looking up, terrified. Hee.
Apartment. Ted greets Stella. He tells her about the elaborate date he has planned, which involves a horse-drawn carriage and the symphony. "Five years," she reminds him. Let's have sex! Now! Ted goes to get his bag. Marshall and Lily arrive. Marshall asks if Stella is looking forward to tonight. She says it's been such a long time since she's had a night out. "Yeah... we heard," Lily says. Oops! They both joke about how they can't hold out very long without a "Night out." Stella finally asks what they're talking about as they giggle. They figure out the faux pas. Lily tries to play it off and says they were talking about pizza. Ted returns to the room to find an unhappy Stella. She's upset that he told Lily and Marshall about her dry spell. Marshall pretends it's the first time they've heard it. "You haven't had sex in five years?! That is a shocking revelation that we're just finding out about right now!" It doesn't work. Awkward! We come back from commercial to find Lily and Marshall gone. Ted is trying to explain that he tells his best friends everything. He does say he's sorry, at least. Stella says it was personal and now his friends think she's a freak. She says she knows it's a little weird. She asks how many other people go without sex for five years. Quick cut to MacLaren's. "13 YEARS!?" Barney asks Randy. "I peaked really young," Randy answers. Cut back to the apartment. Stella says she thought she could trust Ted, but now she can't. She now has her reason for not sleeping with him. Ted asks if she was just looking for a reason. He says things are getting serious and that must scare her. "Good night, Ted," Stella says, and exits.
Barney is quizzing Randy in the MacLaren's booth about the three beginner's techniques for picking up a woman at a bar. Randy says they are: isolate her from her friends, repeatedly use her name in conversation, subtly put her down. "Excellent," Barney says. Time to test the techniques. Barney hangs behind Randy as they go to two women at the bar. Randy introduces himself to a woman named Haley. He repeats her name a few times and then asks her to come over with him. She does, surprisingly. He says, "Haley... you are a fat, ugly whore." She throws a drink in his face. Later, Barney is drying Randy off. Randy is apologizing. Barney says it happens to him all the time. When you anticipate it, Barney says, it's like a free drink. Two more women walk into the bar. Barney has Randy follow him this time. Barney talks to one of them and admires her koala bear brooch. She says they're adorable. Barney says that his friend Randy is an expert on koala bears in Australia. The girl is impressed. She asks what his favorite thing is about koala bears. Randy, on the spot, has to think a moment. In a horrible accent, he says, "Their meat... is delicious." The ladies turn back to the bar. Another jump forward in time. Randy apologizes to Barney again. Barney says it's all right. He says he needs to get Randy over the nervousness of talking to women. Robin has agreed to help. At the bar, she says it's because Barney threatened to put a video of them out on the Internet. She's not convinced he has such a video. Barney wonders if that's why she came all the way from Brooklyn at midnight. Randy fake-introduces himself to Robin, who is friendly. It's going well until he asks what she's doing later. Robin notices that his nose is bleeding. Randy apologizes: he says this happens whenever he gets an erection. He walks to the bathroom to wash up. It's a funny erection walk. Barney desperately tries to come up with a plan involving wrapping Randy's face up so he can't bleed or talk. Robin asks why Barney is trying so hard. She asks if Barney might not be rushing into a new wingman relationship to fill the void left by Ted. Robin thinks that Randy is Barney's Rebound Bro. Barney says what they have is real. She doesn't think that getting Randy laid will be as meaningful as getting Ted laid. Barney finally falls apart a little. "He was just so happy in the morning, you know?" he says. Randy returns, saying that the blood hasn't clotted, but that it's draining backward now. Barney, grossed out, takes Randy aside to tell him things just aren't working out. Randy says he's always letting people down. Barney, his dad, the chief. Barney finds out that Randy was briefly a police officer. He got kicked off for being a screw-up. A hot blonde nearby overhears Barney and Randy talking. She asks if Randy ever shot anybody. "Only all the time!" he answers. Barney stops Randy from sabotaging his own story. The girl says there's nothing hotter than a cop. Randy's nose bleeds. Barney attributes it to an injury sustained in the line of duty. The girl offers to take Randy to her nearby place. She'll fix him up. Randy agrees to go. They leave. Randy turns to thank Barney and the lower half of his face is covered in blood. It's gross and very funny. "I am the greatest wingman of all time," Barney declares. They clink glasses. "Ted doesn't know what he's missing," she says. Barney is near tears. "You had to mention Ted, didn't you?"
morning. Ted answers the apartment door. It's Stella. She's wearing a very low-cut purple dress. She tells Ted she overreacted the night before. She admits that Ted was right about her getting scared about the relationship. She says she's not going to let it happen this time. "Ted -- I'm in," she says. Ted jokes that it's awkward because he has a girl in the apartment. They kiss. "Come on," Stella says, "there's something that I'm ready to do with you." She pulls Ted out into the hall. We cut to Stella's apartment. She walks a cute little blonde girl out to the living room to meet Ted. Lucy shakes Ted's hand. SagetTed says that they thought their relationship was going to take a big step that weekend. It turns out, he says, that it took an even bigger one.
Later, Lucy has been put to bed. Ted tells Stella that her little girl is great. Stella says that her sister's still in town for another day and there's a motel just down the turnpike. The two run off camera, though I'm not sure to where because the sister's not there yet. We cut immediately to a motel bed. The two of them are naked and have already done the deed. Stella says that was amazing. Ted reaches for the phone. He says he has to call Marshall and Lily to tell them about this. Stella, smiling, kicks Ted out of bed.
See you week when Britney Spears returns.
-- Omar G. is a journalist and comic living in New Braunfels, Texas. You can find him on Terribly Happy, Space Monkeys! and at Videogamey.com.