The kids are on the couch in 2030 as SagetTed explains how great his life was in the spring of 2008. One of the kids is wearing way too much makeup for hanging around the house listening to dad's stories, but I won't say which one. SagetTed says that he and Stella had started dating, which I guess means she was receptive to a second date after all. We see Stella and Ted kissing on the street from that episode. We cut to the New York City skyline as SagetTed says that a big raise at work allowed him to buy something that he thought would be the envy of all his friends. On the street, Ted shows off his new blue sedan, which is not quite parked correctly against the curb right in front of MacLaren's, its blue ass sticking out and vulnerable to getting hit. "A new car!" Ted proclaims. Barney, who you'd think would be excited about "A new car!" given that his dad is Bob Barker, instead says with disapproval that Ted is never going to drive the thing. He says it's a stupid purchase and none of them will support it. Then, he suddenly announces, "Shotgun for eternity!" Robin and Barney argue about whether you can really call that. Barney calls being able to call things. Marshall shows up, wearing his suit, looking dazed and confused. "Beer," he says. Lily asks if he's all right. "Beer," he repeats, zombie-like, and points toward the bar.
Cut to the inside of MacLaren's. In the gang's favorite booth, Marshall is downing a pint. He moans weakly as he puts down the glass. Ted asks what happened. Marshall opens up an extended metaphor: he says he was always told that working at a law firm was like being in a war. I think I'm probably going to like this fake war a lot more than the fake one on Eli Stone. As Marshall is telling his story, we cut to the huge office building and then the inside of the firm where Marshall now works, Nicholson, Hewitt & West. Marshall says in voiceover that when you start, it's like getting out of boot camp. You're all full of piss and vinegar. Which I guess is handy if you're trying to put out a fire while simultaneously cleaning glass. Marshall and his equally fresh-faced and much tinier friend, meet up in the hallway and the friend, named Ferguson, says, "Dude, we're lawyers now!" "Totally!" Marshall agrees. They show off their new briefcases. Marshall's is empty. His buddy's briefcase is full of candy bars. They high-five briefcases. Cut to Marshall's small office, where a picture of Lily sits atop a large filing cabinet. Bar Marshall says that you work in the trenches with your buddy and develop camaraderie. We see Marshall busily writing while he talks on the phone. "Before too long," Bar Marshall says, "the shells start to fall. One of Marshall's bosses, Arthur, walks into the room. The episode is called "The Circle of Screaming" and I just now figured out why: it features Bob Odenkirk of Mr. Show, perhaps the finest comedic screamer of his generation. Seriously, the man can scream, "What the FUCK!?" like nobody else on this Earth. If there was an Emmy for screaming, dude would have to add an annex to his house to store his shiny shiny. Arthur and Marshall exchange hellos and we side-whoosh to the bar, where Marshall explains that the man is a senior partner and seems like a nice guy. But he's got a nickname: "Artillery Arthur." Very sweetly, Arthur asks how Marshall is doing and then asks if Ferguson is in yet. Marshall tells him Ferguson is right door and Arthur tells him, "Have a good one, buddy," before exiting Marshall's office. "You tooooo!" Marshall calls back. Oh yes. This is gonna be awesome. Marshall suddenly hears screaming from the room. Within the confines of network TV, it's not as florid as it could be, but Odenkirk still nails it. He yells to Ferguson that his report is crap. No, not crap: what would happen if crap could eat and then crap out crap. "Your report is the crap that crap craps!" Arthur yells. He says he'd be shocked if Ferguson lasted two more days. "SHOCKED!" he concludes. He slams a door and the picture of Lily in Marshall's office falls and breaks. "It was brutal," Marshall says at the bar. We side-whoosh back to the office. Ferguson appears in the doorway, shell-shocked. He can't believe what happened. He also can't believe that Arthur yelled at him on Take Your Daughter to Work Day. Ferguson's terrified daughter appears from behind him. Ha! Marshall waves.
Back at the bar, Marshall brings the gang up to speed on the current day. He talks about a report he's working that involves the phrase, "Using 23-b-3 Spurious Class Action Precedent to Contest a Class Certification Order Based on Lack of Commonality and Numerosity..." Ted interrupts to say that Marshall lost them. Marshall be smart! Ted asks if Marshall can't just call it "The Ninja Report." He does so. Everyone goes, "Ooh!" When he brings up the Ninja Report. Marshall says he was trying to finish the report, but didn't get to it. So, that morning... we whoosh to the office. Marshall hears Arthur asking Ferguson door whether Marshall is in yet. Scary zoom to a bound report with the words, "THE NINJA REPORT" on the front. Arthur comes in, raises his hand and is about to start yelling. We cut back to the bar where Marshall says, sadly, "And then... he screamed at me." Lily hugs him. Barney can't believe he's upset that a guy talked loudly near him. Marshall says he's never been screamed at like that before in his life. Barney says he's been yelled at three times that day, once in Korean. He says it's just good business, like Christmas bonuses and sexual harassments. Lily tries to console Marshall, especially since he's been working nights and weekends. She starts to kiss him more passionately because she never she's him and she's apparently pretty horny. She says they haven't made love in weeks. "Mama needs her sugar," she tells the group. Thanks? Robin thinks it's all right that Marshall got yelled at and that as long as he took it, he probably earned some respect. "Yeah... about that..." Marshall says. Side-whoosh back to the office as Marshall explains that his boss was really going at it and spitting. Marshall says he had a vein in his head that was about to burst (despite the wonders of HD, I can see no vein in Bob Odenkirk's head, throbbing or otherwise). Marshall winces. We see Ferguson walk by. He smiles and eats from a candy bar. Other people watch. Marshall says he started to feel all his frustration at working at an evil law firm instead of saving the environment. He says he felt the weight of working in a job he hates to pay for an apartment with a crooked floor. Marshall was good and fed up. In the office, he rolls his hand into a fist. But, it's a fake out. Instead of punching his boss, Marshall just starts crying, loudly. He whimpers and sputters.
At MacLaren's, the group is stunned. Barney breaks the tension by letting Marshall know he's called shotgun for eternity for Ted's car.
Ba ba pa pa! On fi-yah!
Back at the bar, Barney can't believe that Marshall cried in front of his boss. I totally did that once. I got in trouble for sneakily upgrading a work computer (trying to improve it, I swear!) and got chewed out and almost fired and I ended up in one of my bosses' offices, blubbering about how I was just trying to do my job more efficiently and asking for Kleenex. Believe me, it was mortifying. And my boss wasn't even Bob Odenkirk. Although that would have been kind of awesome. Marshall says plaintively that he felt like he was a little boy being yelled at by his dad. "Is 'Boy' the right word?" Robin snarks. Barney almost spits up his beer. Marshall says he felt powerless, flaccid, castrated. For some reason, Lily is totally turned on by that. Marshall says the worst part is that tomorrow, he has to go to Arthur's office and hand in The Ninja Report. Everybody still thinks it's cool. "Ninjas are cool," Barney says. Have you ever been to a Ninja Parade? Marshall asks how he can face that guy. Obligatory dream sequences follow.
Robin explains what she would do. Robin, hair down and wearing a business suit and skinny tie, walks in as Marshall. Arthur, not noticing the difference, asks if she's got The Ninja Report. She does. It's a gun she places flat on the desk, pointed at Arthur. Action music plays. She says it's going to blow him away. Scared, Arthur says he has a family. "We're good?" she asks. "So good," he replies. She asks why he's still in her office then. Arthur runs out of his own luxurious office. Back at the bar, Robin is all grins. Ted explains that that may be the crazy Canadian gun violence way of doing things, but that in America, we use words, not guns. Juxtaposition!
Ted proposes giving a Lincoln-like eloquent speech. Marshall says it's not so easy to give a big off the top of your head speech. Ted asks Marshall to, "Observe." Which he really can't, but we can. Marshall, in the same suit that Robin was wearing, gives a long-winded speech about justice and fundamental rights. He stops his speech to correct when he said, "Fundamentally paramount" since it can't be lowest and highest. "You are nailing this," Arthur reassures him. Ted talks about human rights. He stops again. Arthur keeps trying to get him to go on. "For the future!" Ted finishes, making no sense. Arthur tells him he stuck the landing. Nevertheless, he's called security and they will be roughing Ted up on the way out. Nice speech, dork!
At the bar, they're laughing at Ted's failed attempt at... a dream sequence? Huh. Weird. Marshall says this isn't helping. He says he can't confront the guy. Barney says that a guy he used to work with, Gary Blauman, did it and became legendary. We wide-whoosh to a morning meeting where Barney is bored and texting someone. A boss (played by Bryan Callen is yelling at Blauman, who apparently offended some North Koreans and made the business look bad. Blauman interrupts the boss's tirade to tell him he can kiss his ass. "Oh, snap!" Barney says in the meeting. Blauman says his cousin's website went public and he made a ton of money on the IPO. He says he doesn't have to take this crap anymore and decides to show them what he thinks. He gets on the desk and tries to pee on the conference table. Nothing comes out. Blauman politely asks everyone to turn away. No result. Barney tries to pour some water for stimulation. Nuthin'. Back at the bar, Barney says that the IPO tanked, Blauman became a janitor and then, oh yeah, he died. And that's... one to grow on.
Marshall still needs help. He begs for useful advice. Barney tells Lily to, "Control your woman" and then tells the story of the "Chain of Screaming." Barney explains, as a camera pans sideway across scenes, that the screaming is passed down. We see one boss yell at another boss. That boss yells at Arthur. Arthur screams as Marshall. Marshall goes home and screams at Lily. Lily, in her classroom, screams at one of her students. The student screams at her dad, who is Arthur's boss's boss. Lily pokes holes in the "Circle of Screaming," which Barney has changed from "Chain." Lily says none of her students have parents who work at Marshall's firm. Robin says it's not really a circle. Barney, frustrated, says his metaphor is ruined. "I'm surrounded by idiots!" he screams, "IDIOTS!" Then he feels better.
Lily offers Marshall advice on dealing with a bully. Her dream sequence with the suit involves sweet-talking Arthur by asking him for encouragement, inspiration and respect. Arthur thanks Lily/Marshall and says he needed to hear that. He also remarks that the photo of Lily shows a lady who's a nice slice. Lily leans over the desk and describes what she/he is going to do to Lily when he/she gets home. Er... I think we're crossing a few lines here, folks. "Oh, yeah," Arthur encourages. They climax with an, "OH YEAH!" high-five. I bow to you, Odenkirk. You are just too good. Back at MacLaren's, Lily reiterates that "Mama needs it bad." Apparently. Marshall decides to write down the speech. But not the sex speech.
The night, SagetTed explains, things didn't go as planned. In the apartment, Lily is showing Ted, who is lounging on the couch, some carpet samples for the new apartment. Carpet? Are you serious? That place had rockin' hardwood floors! One sample of carpet is softer, but the other one has a nicer color. Lily talks horny thinking about bodies lying on carpet. Ted just heard the same spiel about bathroom tiles. He gets a call from Marshall, who pretends to be Stella so Lily won't overhear. Marshall does a high girly voice, unnecessarily and hilariously. He asks Ted to come downstairs and see him. "I love you!" he adds. Ted loves Marshall, too. After the call, Lily asks if Ted is "Hittin' that."
Out on the street, Marshall is holding a box of his office belongings and eating a messy burger. "I'm in trouble, Ted!" he says. After a commercial break to suffer this incredible cliffhanger, we end up in Ted's new car, where Marshall is freaking out. He's also holding half a burger and a soft drink. Ted asks him to be careful. You know, it's a new car and all. Marshall says he did something stupid and he begs Ted to just drive anywhere. Uh, yeah, about that... it's a really good parking space. Ted doesn't want to give it up. Marshall says he was going to give the Lily speech, but he got derailed. "There's a LOT of ketchup on the burger," Ted says, ever vigilant. Marshall says he went down to the diner the night before to finish working on The Ninja Report. Side-whoosh to the diner, where Marshall is hard at work. Barney suddenly appears right in front of Marshall, startling him. Barney warns him that if he uses Lily's speech, he'll be torn apart. Barney offers to order up food. Marshall wants a BLT with gravy fries. Barney calls over the waiter and orders a green tea with lemon for himself and a meatloaf for Marshall. It's part of his plan. Barney says that the Chain of Screaming is real (if not a "Circle") and that Marshall has to scream at someone to get this out of his system. Barney's plan is that Marshall will scream at the waiter for messing up his order. Marshall says he can't do that.
The story is interrupted by Robin piling in to Ted's car holding the biggest ice scream scoop on a cone ever. She wants to hear the story. She offers Ted a lick. He asks the ice cream cone is big enough. "Uhhh, it's delicious enough," she answers. I wish they wrote Robin this well every week. Side-whoosh to the diner. Barney is trying to convince Marshall to yell at the waiter. The waiter brings the food, remarkably quickly, with an, "Enjoy, my friends." Marshall tentatively tries to say that it's not what he ordered. Marshall tries to be stern and to say that as the customer, he is always right. The waiter ain't having it. He yells at Marshall that he's at the end of an 18-hour triple shift and that he's going to go home to get yelled at by his wife for never being home. Even Barney is like, "Daaaayum!" "No! No! You eat your damn meatloaf!" the waiter yells. Awesome.
Story interrupted again, this time by Barney jumping into the backseat with Robin (calm down, it'll happen) and smoking a giant cigar. "Sweet! Can I get a toot?" Robin asks. I don't know. Is it delicious enough? Ted freaks out about car rules. Barney says the cigar is Cuban and people pay to have their cars smell like this. "Well, that's just not true," Ted groans. As Barney and Robin argue again about shotgun, Marshall yells that he's trying to tell a life-altering story. He continues. Outside the diner, Barney is pulling Marshall into an alley after Marshall left a 20 percent tip. Barney offers to take the yelling. Marshall weakly tries. It's awful. He tries to get personal by saying Barney doesn't look as good as he thinks in suits. He calls Barney's mom a slut. He says Barney and his brother clearly have different fathers because Barney's mom is a "Slutty slut." Barney tells him to keep going. Marshall yells that Bob Barker is not Barney's father. Barney pretends to be hurt by that, breaking Marshall's momentum, but he was totally playing. He tells him to keep going. Marshall yells that Barney was abandoned and can't feel anything and that if he continues on this path, he's going to turn into Barney. The yelling cuts to Marshall giving the same speech to Arthur. "This is not why I became a lawyer! This is not the person I want to be! I quit, Arthur, I quit!" Arthur says he needed to hear that. Because now that Marshall has quit, they don't have to pay him a severance package. "Security's gonna rough you up a bit on the way out," Arthur says. Bravo, Arthur. Bravo.
In the car, Marshall is frozen in fear. Robin's ice cream is melting, which Ted points out, and he gets shushed. Barney changes the Chain of Screaming to the Pyramid of Screaming. Marshall frets that they're going to lose the apartment. He says he threw away their future. He fails to mention that it was Lily's debt that got them in this mess in the first place. Lily knocks on the window and scares everyone. Food and a cigar fly everywhere. Ted gets mad and tells everyone to get out. Barney throws in, "Ted, screaming never solved anything!"
Later on, Lily and Marshall are in the back seat of the car having a heart-to-heart. You don't need to be a comedy writer to know they're totally gonna do it later in this location. Marshall offers to go and beg for his job back. Lily won't let him. She doesn't want him miserable at his job. She just wants her husband back. They love each other.
Cut to MacLaren's. SagetTed says that they were able to make ends meet on the apartment without going bust. We see Ted hand over a check to Marshall. Very cool. "Who needs a car in New York City?" Ted asks. Marshall asks if he's sure. "Don't make me scream at you," Ted says. Ted asks if they did it in the car. "Oh, yeaaaaah," Marshall assures him.
Epilogue: Lily and Marshall sit up from where they were lying on the kitchen floor, presumably having sex. "Definitely this one," Marshall says, holding up one of the carpet samples. "Yeah," says Lily, her hair all tousled.
Wow, that was a short tag... to a great episode! Keep it up, show.