And here we have one of the best episodes of the show, right up there with "Slap Bet" and "The Pineapple Incident." Is the episode great? On its face, absolutely. But what really puts it over the top is an unnecessary, but completely instant-classic end tag as well as a bonus Web site and song that are made of pure love for the fans. Yes, "A+." You bet your ass it's A+. Nicely done, HIMYM.
SagetTed tells his kids (who don't appear this week) that back when they were younger, Ted and Marshall were really into college basketball. Aw, you mean they lost the fever as they got older? How sad, SagetTed. How sad. We go immediately from a nighttime shot of NYC to Ted and Marshall writing up their brackets on a giant chalkboard in the middle of the apartment living room. Lily and Robin walk in as SagetTed says that they were overtaken by NCAA March Madness. Which is also airing on CBS, by the way. Just sayin'. Robin asks what's up with the big blackboard. "Big board equals big luck!" Marshall bellows. Lily says the board looks familiar. She asks where they got it.
Side-whoosh to Marshall, entering Lily's classroom. A custodian is mopping. Marshall, holding flowers, says he's looking for his wife. But it's Saturday. The custodian calls Marshall a dumbass as he walks out. Ted creeps in and they steal the blackboard. We see them rolling it down a city street. "Big board!" Ted yells. "Big luck!" Marshall screams back. Oh, boys.
Back at the apartment, Ted and Marshall say they're part of a giant bracket pool on Staten Island where the prize is $100,000 stuffed in a duffel bag. Marshall is stoked that the duffel bag is included. Lily says they lose every year. Ted says that this year, they've been watching all the games and keeping track of all the stats. He says this isn't March Madness. It's "March Meticulously-Thought-Outness." Oh man, I'm so in over my head. I may be a dude, but I know nothing about college basketball or brackets. Maybe one of the Fug Girls could help a brother out. Barney, who just came in while Ted was talking, shows them his iPhone. One of Ted's teams already lost. Ted didn't know they were playing today. He sits down, defeated. Barney sits down and sets up the episode by telling everyone that something strange is happening. Wait for it...
The first story takes place at the hardware store. He explains that there are four kinds of women who go there alone: single, recently single, recently divorced, lesbian who will let Barney watch. "You could not be more evil," Lily tells him. Barney adds a fifth to the list: recently widowed. We whoosh to the hardware store. Barney is consoling a crying redhead who is wearing black. Barney says her husband is in a better place (better than the hardware store, at least). He offers to find her a sturdier ladder. Did he die from falling off a ladder? Barney explains that he came back only moments later. We see him carrying a big green ladder. "See? Skidproof!" he says. The woman slaps him in the face and walks off. Barney starts to tell a similar story that takes place in a pet store. Ted immediately fills in: single woman, mid-20s, looking for a canine replacement for her ex-boyfriend. "God bless ya Ted, you're reading my blog!" Barney says. Hee hee. Ted says he's really bored at work. We see Barney at the pet store holding a little white puppy named Ladybug. He goes to get a chew toy and when he returns, he gets the slap, even after presenting a little sweater that says, "Diamond in the Ruff." Did somebody take out a slap bet bounty on him? He starts to tell the story of a museum encounter and the whole gang wants to guess what Barney's pose was. Lily guesses he was pretending to be a young artist searching for a new muse. Nope. Marshall guesses he was a millionaire casing the joint. Nuh-uh. Robin guesses correctly: Barney was pretending to be going blind and trying to soak up all the beauty in the world. We see Barney at the museum, saying that he'll be blind soon and his audio guides will be all he has left. The woman feels sorry for him. Barney puts his hand all over her face and calls her beautiful. He offers to get her a headset and bumps into a nearby man to seal the story. When he comes back, Barney hovers his hands over the woman's boobs, but doesn't quite touch them. He says he loves the smell of art, too. And he gets slapped. Back at the apartment, he asks why this keeps happening. Lily thinks he may not lie as well as he thinks. Barney says he'd be in jail for perjury (and it's work-related).
The night at MacLaren's, they get an explanation. As Barney gets up to go to the bar, trying to remember who was Hawkeye on M.A.S.H. (he realizes it was Alan Alda), Lily is approached by a blonde woman whose face we don't see. The woman tells Lily that Barney Stinson is just saying whatever it takes to get into her pants. The woman says that sleeping with Barney was the biggest mistake of her life. Dramatic music plays as the woman rushes off, leaving Lily perplexed. Barney, back at the table, asks where she went. Lily tries to describe her, but it could be lots of women Barney's slept with, all of whom have a dead look in their eye and an aura of self-loathing. Barney tries to remember who it might be. We get a photo montage of attractive blonde women with some brunettes thrown in there, too. There are some repeats, but the stand-out is a photo of Madeleine Albright. I have to admit, if I were single, I'd get with Maddie, too. Barney puts a hand to his head and says, "Oh, dear God!"
Ba ba pa pa!
The whole gang is drinking beers at MacLaren's. Barney can't believe that some woman he screwed over is trying to mess up his life. The nerve! Lily says it's karma. Barney says it's not Karma: she's stripping in Vegas and they're good. Ted tells Barney to just check his list of all the women he's slept with. Barney pretends he doesn't do that. "I have one," Marshall announces, "it's called my marriage license." Marshall and Lily give each other a tough high-five and it is awesomeness personified. Barney says he wouldn't keep women's names on some tawdry list. We jump-cut to Barney's place where he is showing his friends a scrapbook, instead. Barney made it at the Scrapbook Barn on 7th. He advises the gang to ask for Heloise, who helped him. Barney asks Lily if she sees the saboteur. "I don't know, Barney, I only saw her face," Lily says. Ted asks how many of the women know they're being photographed. Barney says all of them do, but only half buy a copy of the pics. Lily doesn't think Barney will find the woman and feels bad for all of them. Robin says that all the women in the photos (she points to several doing apparently very graphic things) knew what they were getting into. Barney thinks what he does should be between him, the women, his friends and Heloise. Lily doesn't recognize anyone except some minor celebrities, one government official (Maddie!) and a national fast food chain mascot. Oh, please let it be The Burger King! Barney wonders how he'll narrow this down.
Bracket time! Barney stands in front of a new bracket divided into four quadrants: "Upper West Side," "Midtown," "The Village" and "Brooklyn." It's his Top 64. Barney says the last girl standing has to be the woman. Lily says they absolutely aren't going to make a game out of this. Barney holds up two six-packs of bottled beer. Score! Later, over beers, everyone is debating. Lily thinks the girl who thought Barney had 12 hours to live had more reason to hate him than the girl to whom he fake-proposed. Robin disagrees. "She hired a wedding planner!" Robin yells. Ted says the other one flew them both to Paris. "12 Hours to Live" wins by a show of hands, everyone except Robin.
round: "Thought I was Jorge Posada" versus "You have my Dead Wife's Kidney." I think Kidney wins, although the other woman bought Yankees season tickets to watch him play.
"Fake Baby" versus "Lost at Sea." My God, this is fun. Marshall and Robin are disagreeing. Ted yells, "I WAS THERE, TRUST ME! IT'S FAKE BABY!"
Sweet Sixteen. The number three seed, "Girl Who Thought I Owned Google" is up against the number seven seed, "Girl Who Thought I was a Scuba Instructor." Ted thinks Scuba "She got the bends!" he says. "Yeah she did," Barney chuckles. Yes. Marshall does a thumbs-down and goes, "Boooooo." I think he stole that from Spongebob.
"Evil Twin" versus "Prince of Norway." Tie-breaker goes to Barney. He chooses Evil Twin because he slept with the woman twice: as Barney and as "Larney." I hope he wore a goatee as Larney.
Exhaustion sets in on the Final Four. Everyone is bloated from pizza and tired. Lily asks if that's the blackboard from her classroom. Marshall says forlornly, "I'm tired and sad." Ted wants to call his mom to tell her he loves her. Barney ends things with the Final Four. It has to be Meg, Anna, Kate or Holly. He plans to track them down with Lily's help. "You guys stole my blackboard!" Lily says.
Peppy sports music plays as the camera stutter-shots to the name "Meg" from the Upper West Side. I'm sure the writer's strike caused a time crunch, but it would have been even more awesome to see some NCAA-style sports graphics instead of a sound cue and a shot of a name on a blackboard. That's all right. We're still in A-grade territory. Barney and Lily are walking down the street trying to find Meg, presumably outside her apartment building. Lily tells Barney she won't do it unless he apologizes to the woman. Lily won't tell Barney if it's the right woman if he doesn't. Barney says talking to a woman you've slept with is like changing the oil on a rental car. Barney says Meg is the girl that he ditched at an apartment he pretended was his. Oh yeah. Meg. Barney says she got arrested, bit a cop and spent eight days in jail. He tries to hide when she appears. Lily gets her attention. The woman shoots Barney a serious look and we got to a commercial.
When we return, Meg is approaching Barney, who is telling Lily to find a metal briefcase under his bed and throw it in the East River. Before Barney can offer an excuse, Meg says it was all her fault. She thinks she came on too strong. Barney forgives her. "I love you," he tells her. "Oh my God, I love you TOO!" she says and they kiss. Lily is disgusted. She tries to break up the action. She's not the one, Lily says. Before she can get an apology out of Barney, he's already halfway down the block.
bracket woman: Anna from The Village. Barney and Lily are at a restaurant to find the woman he fooled into thinking he was Ted in the "Ted Mosby, Architect" episode. Barney reminds Lily how the woman had a webcam and a T-1 line. Lily remembers and says that still doesn't count as a Christmas present. Anna is serving coffee, which excites Lily because it might get thrown in Barney's face. She takes a photo of Barney and says, "I'm making a scrapbook." Anna recognizes Barney as Ted Mosby and says that she's not taking down the Web site. What Web site? "TedMosbyisajerk.com," she says. Maybe you should save this for the end of the episode, but the Web site is amazing and there's a 20-minute song by Anna (presumably the actress, Dawn Olivieri) that you must listen to all the way through. It is absolute genius. Please have her come back and perform part of the song on the show. Kthxbai! Barney goes along with it and says he deserves the scorn. He gets up on a table and announces that Ted Mosby is a jerk to women. He wants them to tell everyone to stay away from Ted Mosby. He announces the Web site URL. SagetTed says that the Web site went on to get 400,000 hits. "Thanks Barney," he says. We get a brief screenshot of the site, which is ugly, but still worth your time.
name: Kate from Midtown. Barney and Lily arrive at an apartment door. "Which one is this again?" Lily asks. A blonde opens the door and yells, "Larney!" She starts strangling Barney. Got it. Lily takes a photo for her scrapbook.
Last name on the brackets: Holly from Brooklyn. Lily and Barney walk down the street. Barney's neck is a little injured. Barney was hoping it wouldn't be Holly. We flash back to Barney leaving the woman in the woods and stealing her truck. The woman hears a puma growl as he drives away. She hides in her tent. Lily thinks it's the worst thing anyone has ever done. Barney thinks she was annoying. Holly answers her door and so does her fiancée, Mark, who is wearing a suit and looks a bit like Phil Hartman, sadly. He asks if Barney was the person who ditched her in the woods. Instead of being mad, the couple invites them in for coffee. They're just happy to have found each other and Mark thinks that Barney must have been what got Holly to stop sleeping around with guys like him. Turns out the timing is a bit off: they started dating in June and the Barney thing happened on a 4th of July. Oops! Busted!
Back at the apartment, Lily is upset that they ruined Mark and Holly's lives. She's also mad Barney didn't apologize to anyone. Barney still doesn't know the identity of his stalker. Robin suggests Barney go downstairs to the bar, hit on someone and wait for the woman to show up. She wants to be the woman Barney hits on. Ted mentions that Robin can't lie without giggling. He asks if she's ever fallen asleep eating ribs. Robin giggle-laughs.
The plan unfolds: Lily is supposed to hang out at the jukebox and not draw attention to herself. She puts on a song and does the craziest dance you've ever seen. It is a work of art, arms flying everywhere. Meanwhile, Ted and Marshall are supposed to be having a normal conversation, but Marshall is a nervous wreck. Then Robin comes in looking, "Hot as all Hell," in her own words. All right, I'll give her this one. She's looking good. A guy at the bar tries to hit on her immediately. She tells him to go away. But asks him to come back later. Barney walks up. Robin giggles when she accidentally calls him "Barney" and then "Stranger." Barney plays with her bare thigh. She asks Barney what he says that gets them into bed. He leans in and whispers something. Robin kind of likes it. He asks if she's a little turned on. She giggles as she says, "No!" Robin spots a woman eyeing them. Barney announces he's going to the bathroom before they go to his place to have sex. Lily keeps crazy-dancing. Marshall can't figure out what to do with his hands, which are limp. Robin goes to the booth and tries to spot the name on the bracket that goes with the woman who has gone up to talk to Robin. Barney can't find her on the bracket. Marshall thinks that's an amazingly inspirational Cinderella story. Barney doesn't recognize her and feels really bad about that. He goes up to the blonde woman and says he doesn't remember her. He feels worse about that than the way he's treated all those women, including one he sold for a Mercedes. He regrets not remembering a girl he slept with. He sincerely apologizes. Lily hugs him and is proud. It's not the right woman, though. It was just a friend of Robin's from work. Lily still thinks the apology was great. Lily thinks it'll be a great photo for the scrapbook. She plans to call it, "Barney's Redemption." She takes a pic.
Montage of slaps and a very cute Lily scrapbook over the song, "One Shining Moment." In the "Barney's Redemption" photo, we zoom in on a woman in the background whose face is obscured. SagetTed says that Barney did eventually find the woman, but, "More on that later." Cliffhanger!
And now I give you the episode tag to end all episode tags. Coming as it does right after a preview for Harold & Kumar featuring Neil Patrick Harris prominently, it may seem like overkill. But oh. Oh, it is not, I promise you. Here we go: We're at Barney's place. We pan from a mini stereo to Barney sitting at his laptop and typing. The familiar notes of the Doogie Howser, M.D. theme are playing. Yes. That's right. THEY ARE GOING THERE. Barney, wearing a white shirt, sits and types. It's big white text on a blue screen. It says, "March 21, 2008, Barney's Blog. Sometimes we search for one thing but discover another." We zoom in on the cursor as it types, "Even though I didn't find the mystery girl..." Barney looks up from the screen nods and smiles. "...I did find out something very important about myself..." A very hot brunette in bed tells Barney to come join her. In a heavy Latina accent, the woman says that Barney has a shuttle launch the day and that the asteroids not going to destroy itself. Barney tries not to laugh and keeps writing. "I'm awesome," he types. He closes the laptop, takes out his SLR camera and heads for bed. Genius. The only thing that could have made it even a single tiny bit better would have been having Vinnie Delpino climbing in through the window (or more disturbingly, just watching). But maybe they're saving that for season. To which I say: bring it on.
And that's it. It might be the high point of Season Three. Let's hope there are a few more like this in the pipeline. Don't forget to go listen to the "Ted Mosby is a Jerk" song.