Disclaimer: there may be Britney Spears jokes ahead. I didn't go looking for Britney. She came here. Nevertheless, if there shall be jokes, they will be jokes about Britney Spears: Celebrity Guest Star, not Britney Spears: Train Wreck, as she is dismissively referred to in a million other places. I saw South Park last week, just like you probably did, and I got a little sad and teary eyed and damned if I don't want to see Britney's good side this week. Luckily, she acquits herself fairly well on the show, and hey, good for her. Homegirl needs a break, you know? She's still a mom and a daughter and a person. I don't see what could be gained by being cruel to Ms. Spears. With regards to the site's name, of course we'll be non-pitying, sure, but not cruel.
K-Fed, though? Fair game.
Onward: We begin in the Dermatology & Tattoo Removal Clinic we saw in the "Platinum Rule" episode, and it turns out this half hour is a companion to that one in that we finally see Dr. Stella and find out what happened on that disastrous non-date that Ted mentioned, but which we never saw. SagetTed is explaining to the "Kids" that sometimes in life you see someone and you instantly know that this is the person for you. We see Ted in the waiting room reading a magazine. Then we see Britney as a girl named Abby. She's the receptionist and looking fairly healthy. She's got long dirty blonde hair and large glasses. They're trying to do a When the Whistle Blows on her to make her instantly sitcom-funny. She stares at Ted and puts a hand to her neck from all the Southern vapors. Oh, merciful heavens! As sexy guitar plays, SagetTed says it can happen anywhere, even in the waiting room of a tattoo removal place. Ted looks up from his magazine grumpily. SagetTed says, "That's what happened when I met..." Long pause to allow Sarah Chalke of Scrubs to appear, looking distracted and wearing a white lab coat. "...Stella," SagetTed finishes. Regular Ted looks up and notices the doctor. The camera zooms in on her, but she's still looking down at her notes. If this were Scrubs, we'd get a little fantasy sequence where she looks up and it bathed in beauteous light. But this is CBS and they don't play that shit. It confuses the nursing home residents.
We cut right to the exam room. "Ah, the butterfly tramp stamp," Dr. Stella says, "my bread and butter." She thinks it must have involved a bad breakup and some booze. Or a gang initiation, in which case Ted should get a new gang. The sexy guitar is still playing and really stepping on her snappy dialogue. Ted says he thought it would be cool to get a caterpillar tattoo and a few weeks later it blossomed! She laughs. She says she can get rid of it in 10 one-hour sessions, but warns that laser surgery is very painful. Damn these frickin' lasers! Ted says he has a high threshold for pain. He says he sat through the worst movie ever made the night before. She thinks it was Plan 9 From Outer Space. Ted says the worst movie ever made is "Manos": The Hands of Fate. Mystery Science Theater 3000 fans, unite! They debate about which one is worse and she sort of invites the idea of a date by saying that Plan 9 is playing at the Pamela Theater. She asks what he's doing that night. Not cool, doc.
We cut to the front of the movie theater. Ted finds Dr. Stella in line. He offers to pay for the movie. Which is cool because she brought her three lady friends. "This is my friend, Ted," she tells them, "he wants to pay." Ted acts like this is a huge problem. Dude, you're an architect. I think you'll manage to swing the cash.
Inside the screening room, Ted looks really super annoyed. He doesn't even get to sit to Dr. Stella, which seems a bit rude of her. One of Stella's friends asks Ted if something's wrong. Not even whispering, he says he's embarrassed because he thought it was a date. She passes the word down through the friends until it gets to Dr. Stella. She telephones back that he's a patient she's not allowed to date: it's an AMA rule. Before the last person tells him, Ted says he's got it. "We all got it! Ted's a schmuck!" an old dude in the back yells. Ha! This is almost as good as watching the movie with robots.
Ba ba pa pa!
At Ted's tattoo-removal session, Dr. Stella is laughing about what happened, but I don't hear her offering to pay Ted back or to set him up with one of her friends. Ted says it was the worst moviegoing experience ever, but not because of the movie. Ted, who has his lower back sticking out where we can see the purple tattoo, says he'll just wait until the 10 sessions are up and ask her out then. As she moves the frickin' laser closer to Ted, Dr. Stella says her answer will be, "No." Ted says he's getting mixed signals. He asks if she's married, as a boyfriend, is a lesbian or only dates black men. She answers, "No" to all of them. Ted can't believe that 10 weeks from now she'll know what her answer will be.
MacLaren's. Robin jokes about what Dr. Stella might have meant by repeatedly telling Ted, "No." Ted is still incredulous. He asks if anyone knows what they might for lunch 10 weeks from now. "Sloppy Joe, shrimp cocktail and a milkshake," Marshall answers instantly. Barney drops some knowledge: he asks Ted how long it takes a woman to decide whether she's going to sleep with a guy. The answer: 8.3 seconds. I hate to say it, but I kind of agree with Barney here. If you lose those 8.3 seconds, it's an uphill battle, my fellow gentlemen. Barney believes once a woman makes up her mind in those 8.3 seconds, she won't change it. I seem to recall it taking Barney a lot longer than 8.3 seconds to unroll most of his elaborate hit-ons at the bar. Barney asks Ted to describe his first 8.3 seconds with Dr. Stella. We whoosh back to the medical office waiting room. "Lower back butterfly tattoo, you're up," the doctor announces. Ted and a stripper in a tight dress both stand at the same time. Back at MacLaren's, everyone at the table moans. Ted admits it was a rock start, but says he gets better over time. He says he's not a Top-40 song, he's complex and requires multiple listens, like, "Stairway to Heaven." Way over the top, Robin says, "Whoah, Roger Daltrey just rolled over in his grave!" She loves her own joke. Fail! Robin realizes she has the wrong guy and that he's not even dead. Lily, in the spirit of supporting Ted, decides to stop biting her nails. Marshall feels bad because she loves biting her nails. She struggles immediately and wants to bite them. Ted promises to turn Dr. Stella's, "No" into a "Yes." Barney asks how the rest of his first session went. We whoosh back to the exam room to see Ted howl like a very feminine ghost as he is poked with a laser. Back at the bar, Lily says that tattoo removal really hurts and everyone probably sounds like that. We cut back again to show Britney walk in to see what's going on because of all the screaming. Unfortunately, she delivers most of her line on the other side of the door. It's not her fault! Leave her alone! That's just bad directing/editing! LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE! Britney laughs a little when she sees it's just Ted. She closes the door. Back at MacLaren's, everyone laughs. Ted tries to toast to nine more great sessions.
SagetTed walks us through Modern-Day Ted's few sessions. At Session Two, he told Dr. Stella about how he spent a summer working with inner-city kids. Session Three, they spoke nothing but French. Hey, just like me! Session Four, she laughed so hard she fell out of her chair. We see her fall out of a chair. Session Five, Ted juggles some balls. Yeah, not such a good fiver. "Still no," she tells him. At MacLaren's, Ted still can't believe the juggling didn't impress. That's more a Session One or Session Two, Ted. Sorry. You don't want to work backward. Barney agrees with me. Ted asks how Barney's magic is any better than juggling. Barney asks if this is lame. He uses a little flash explosive that makes everyone jump. "No fireballs at the table!" Lily tells him. Marshall barks, asking what the Hell is wrong with him. Wendy the Waitress comes by to tell Barney that it's a fire code violation. Lily puts Barney in Time-Out. He has to go sit at another booth. Ted thinks Dr. Stella should be falling for him by now. Lily presents her non-bitten fingernails with a, "Kablamey!" and says she believes Ted can do this. Lily thinks it must be hard to impress when your butt's in the air. Marshall sticks up for baboon asses. "It's called 'presenting,' " he presents. From the other booth, Barney says a you can't change a "No" to a "Yes." Robin thinks persistence sometimes pays off. She says she eventually said yes. Barney says she always answers that they're friends and it'll mess up the dynamic of the group. "To Ted," she answers. Sorry, Barney. Ted says he's figured out the right angle.
Tattoo clinic. Ted is coming out of a session with Dr. Stella and Britney is on the phone telling someone not to yell at her because it'll make her cry. She starts to cry. Dr. Stella tries to talk her into hanging up the phone, which she's reluctant to do. She finally hangs up and smiles. Stella says she wishes some patients would be nicer to her. Back at MacLaren's, Ted has decided to be nice to Abby/Britney. Barney thinks the idea is nailing the receptionist.
Session Six. Ted brings Britney a coffee and a pastry, but takes them back because Dr. Stella has her back turned. He hands them back over when she's watching. Britney is thrilled and says Ted's like a knight. Hey, Ted Knight! She says she should call him Sir Ted. "What?" Ted asks, a little rudely. She gets so nervous, she picks up the phone that isn't ringing. She calls Dr. Stella, who is right behind her.
The plan in motion: Session Seven. Dr. Stella says she's about to break a major rule. She tries to set up Ted to go with Britney on a church group bowling game. Oops. He doesn't even remember the receptionist's name is "Abby." Long, unfunny name-scrambling bit with "Abby" and "Alan." We whoosh to MacLaren's. Lily suggests Ted be himself and do without the gimmicks. Ted wants to try one more gimmick.
Session Eight. Ted has seen the book The Power of Me in Dr. Stella's office and plans to read it himself to have something to talk about. Marshall says he read the book and it improved his memory, but now he doesn't remember where he put the book. Wonk, wonk, wonk. Oh, sitcom. That's like a Bazooka Joe comic joke. Ted walks into his session reading a copy of the same book. Britney, sans glasses, smiles and tries to flirt with Ted. She laughs at a lame joke of his. "That's funny, smart and great!" she says. In the exam room, Dr. Stella shows up a little late, saying she's back from her two-minute lunch, which is all she has time to take. Ted tries to bring up the self-help book. Dr. Stells says a patient left the book and she's not into it at all. Ted disparages the book. The same book that Britney walks in with. She wants to give it back to Ted because she thinks he accidentally dropped it in the trash. Oh, the plan! Gone awry! What calamity! Ted pretends not to own it. The book is stamped, "From the personal library of Ted Mosby." Back at MacLaren's, Robin thinks it's "Nail the receptionist" time. Ted doesn't want to. Barney agrees with Robin. Ted says he likes Stella. Barney says he has seen Stella. He wanted to know what she looked like and discovered a terrible secret. Ted wants to know the secret. Barney suddenly gets up to take a pee break, which leads right into a commercial.
Barney returns to tell the secret. He called the clinic earlier asking to see the doctor. When Britney was confused, Barney started yelling at her. It turns out he was the caller making her cry earlier. He asks if he "oprima dos" and whether she speaks English. "I WANT TO SEE HER!" he yells. We cut to Barney in the office with Dr. Stella. He says he overheard her ask Britney about Stella's hypnotherapist appointment. "When am I going to kick this folliculaphilia?!" Cut to MacLaren's. Barney has to explain that it's a fetish for moustaches. Sweet! Ted laughs, not believing. Robin confesses she has that, a little bit.
Session Nine. Ted has a little brown moustache. He shows up for his appointment. Britney is reading a copy of The Power of Me. She compliments the 'stache and says it's like Tom Selleck, only a million times handsomer. She pretends to call the doctor and tell her that "Magnum" is here to see her. "Just kidding. Stupid," she says, all wounded. It's kind of cute. In the exam room, Dr. Stella comes in from another rushed lunch and sees the moustache. She cracks up. Back at MacLaren's, Barney is laughing too. He explains why. We cut to a year before when Barney bet Ted $10 that he could get him to grow a moustache. Nice bet! It paid off. Barney says he would have done it for free. Ted is mad that he wasted a session. Now he prepares to hear "No" at Session Ten. Lily tries to convince Ted not to give up because Stella likes him. It turns out Marshall went to see the doctor, too.
Cut to Marshall's session. He's seeing Dr. Stella about dry elbows. He asks if she's seeing anyone or if she has anyone she's "Interes-Ted" in. She finds an irregular mole on the back of his head. Marshall has a mental freak-out. Stella starts to say something about a patient, but Marshall yells out that he's dying. Later, he's relaxed. She tells him she has a crush on a guy with a butterfly tattoo. Marshall leaves. He accidentally leaves behind his book. It's The Power of Me. It comes full circle! Back at the bar, Ted is thrilled about the crush.
Session Ten. The pain is not so bad. Ted asks her out. She starts a long, drawn-out "No." Ted is pained. He backs away and says it's worse than the laser. "I have a daughter," she says. The girl is eight and is her whole life, along with work. She goes out to a movie once a month, maybe. Her only free time is the two minutes she takes for lunch. She only has time for Lucy, the most important thing in her life. She advises Ted to think before he inks. She says if he ever has a dolphin tattoo on his ankle (Clone High shout-out?) to call her. She leaves Ted in the office to be sad. At the bar, Ted is bummed. Marshall is eating a Sloppy Joe, a shrimp cocktail and a milkshake. Awesome. Ted suddenly realizes something. Cute alert!
City street. Ted meets Dr. Stella as she's walking out of her office. Ted, wearing a wussy sweater, tells her she never actually said, "No." Ted asks her out on a two-minute date. "Last two-minute date I went on gave me a daughter," she jokes. She agrees. Here's how the two-minute date goes. They lock arms. Ted checks her watch and says, "And... go!" He hails a cab. Hey, it's Ranjit! Cool! "380 W. 22nd Street," Ted says. That's right door. The cab stops and they get out. There's a table set out right outside a restaurant. They get quick house salads. They exchange colleges: "Stanford," "Wesleyan." The salads are taken away and eggplant parmesan, already cut up, is brought to them. Ted asks for the check immediately because they have to make a movie in 15 seconds, and jokes about how they'll split it since he only had water. He pays and they get up for the part. Ted calls the taxi again. Ranjit! Ted asks if she's nervous. She is, a little bit. They drive to 384 W. 22nd. She thinks they'll be late for the movie, but Ted thinks they're fine because of the previews. They stop at an electronics store where there's a TV in the window. It's playing the good/bad parts from Manos. They sit and watch. It lasts about 10 seconds. "Worst movie ever!" Ted announces. Stella says she almost walked out like five times. They call the taxi again. They decide to walk. "Hellooooo!" Ranjit says. Ted bangs on the hood. "Goodbyeeee!" Ranjit says. Ted asks about the daughter. She's in third grade. Stella jokes about getting her kid to quit smoking. They stop to get coffee and cheesecake. Stella jokes that this used to be a cute little restaurant. "New York," Ted says. They have to go already. Ted tries to give her flowers, but she's allergic. Ted gets a doggie bag from a running waitress. "And... time!" They both laugh. Ted says he had to cut out the goodnight kiss to keep it under two minutes. They kiss anyway when Stella says she can be late just this once. Post-date blues. Ted says he'd love a second date, but he understands her situation. He asks her to give him a call if she ever wants to. She says, "Yes." SagetTed: "And that, kids, is how you turn a 'No' into a 'yes.' " Ted is left standing there holding flowers. Britney, in a yellow dress, comes around the corner. She says her friends told her not to give Ted another chance. But, no! She drops her bags and chases Ted. Ted runs away, going, "No, no, no!" All right, Britney? When you're trying to improve your image, don't let them fool you into showing you running down the street chasing some dude and him yelling, "No!" I mean... you went from sexiest woman alive to playing second fiddle to Sarah Chalke on a sitcom? I mean, I love Sarah Chalke, but... come on!
The epilogue is Barney hitting on Britney at the clinic. She's telling him about this guy Ted who was playing with her emotions. Barney says he sounds like a jerk. She asks if he's going to see the doctor about his mole. Barney says it's just a Raisinet. He flicks it off his hand. Barney offers to take her to a fancy restaurant and treat her to a shopping spree. "My mom's wrong. There are nice guys in New York!" she says. Barney says they have to go by his place to see if his bed got fixed first. She asks if they can have sex on the bed and then go shopping. Ha ha! Because she's really not that innocent! Get it? Oh, show! Barney says, "I like you!" They go off together for what might be a two-minute nooner. Thanks, Britney! It was fun!