The year 2030. A cow powered by a solar-powered car engine? Madness! The kids on the couch feign interest as SagetTed says that without a little luck, he'd have never met their mother. Specifically, he says, the luck of the Irish. We cut to stock footage of St. Patrick's Day in New York City, the day, SagetTed says, that every young person goes crazy. I though that was Halloween. Or New Year's Eve. The stock footage switches to the running of the bulls in Pamplona, and SagetTed says that it's, all right, maybe not that crazy. I sure hope the kids gave him blank stares for that.
We cut to Ted's apartment, where Marshall is bringing Lily a cup of green tea. SagetTed says that by the year 2008 (cue title card: "the year 2008"), they'd had enough. Except for Barney. Barney busts in wearing a golf course-green suit and yelling in a loud Irish accent that they should kiss the Barney Stone. Joke I am surprised they didn't use: that his suit sham-ROCKS! Lily half-heartedly says it's The Riddler. Marshall says it's Gumby. "Gumby, can we tie you in a knot later?" he asks. "Hey, NBA player sidelined by a knee injury," Ted offers, as he comes to the living room. All right, I gotta admit, I didn't get that one. Can someone e-mail me an explanation? Barney says it's his lucky St. Paddy's day suit and that he's dry cleaned many a stain out of it. Everyone goes, "Ew." Barney says it's lucky because it's green, the color of go, as in, "Let's." Ted says they talked it over and they aren't doing the holiday this year. Barney, who still hasn't closed the front door, is skeptical. Then he starts to believe and gets woozy on his feet from the shock. Barney lies down on a chair. "Can we shoot pool on you?" Marshall asks. Barney is bummed out: "That is so not Raven!" he cries. Marshall says they're going to go to the new apartment, hang up a painting and play board games all night. Dudes. More like Bored Games Night. Barney wants them to go out drink green beer and have green Jell-O shots. Lily says they're drinking green tea. "With caffeine," Marshall adds. Ted calls Barney "Peter" and says they're grown-ups and can't fly to Neverland anymore. He sits down with a newspaper to prove the point. Barney gets mad. He says he'll celebrate by himself. "You people make me physically ill!" he says as he leaves. Lily says that he did look a little green. Marshall's phone rings. He has a little conversation before telling Lily that he's talking to Ted's butt. Ted accidentally body-dialed Marshall's cell. Marshall says he called Ted's butt around 2 that afternoon. Lily says it took long enough for the butt to call back.
Ted's phone rings. It's Barney. He says he's in a cab with two hot girls heading downtown. And this is true. They are hot. And he is in a cab. "Yes, it happens that fast!" Barney says. Ted still doesn't want to go. Barney goes into "Convince" mode. He tells Ted that he didn't want to say it in front of Lily and Marshall, but that the world is ending tonight. He ties together Nostradamus with Notre Dame with Fighting Irish with St. Patrick's Day. Huh. Makes sense to me. Barney tells his Bro that it's the Bro-pocalypse. It's Bro-mageddon. I wonder if they'll get lucky and Bro-create. He asks if Ted wants to spend his last night on Earth with a married couple. Ted turns to Lily and Marshall. Marshall's hands smell weird. He puts them in Lily's face. She agrees it's a weird smell. "That's new," she says. Ted agrees to go. Barney tells his dates that Ted's a great guy and they're gonna love him.
SagetTed explains that on March 17, 2008, he went to a big St. Patrick's Day party. We see people standing outside a building under umbrellas. It's raining something fierce. He says he's lucky he did because... wait for it... The Mother was there. We pan across and see a yellow umbrella. Yee-haw!
Outside the club, it has stopped raining. Ted meets up with Barney and his two lady companions. It's a Bro-nanza! "Haaaave you met Ted?" Barney asks. Mary, a tall brunette, and Stephanie, a shorter, but no less hot, brunette, both introduce themselves. Barney pulls Ted aside and they have a pointless aside where Barney calls dibs on Stephanie. But when Ted is fine with that, Barney decides he wants Mary. Ted's fine with either one. It goes back and forth until Barney decides he'd rather have them both. "You're an idiot," Ted says. He says it's a moot point since they might not get in. There's a long line. Ted thinks it's karma for ditching Marshall and Lily. Barney walks to the door man and holds up his fist for some dap. No dap is to be had. Barney tries to bribe the guy with low numbers of dollars. The guy asks if it's just Ted and Barney. They point to their hot dates in hopes of not blowing the guy/girl ratio. Surprisingly, the man says that if it was just Barney and Ted, he'd led them in. He says there's nothing but girls inside and people are going to think it's a lesbian bar. All right, what's the opposite of a sausage fest? Salad soiree? Ted and Barney need a consult. Barney thinks something planetary is going on. He says that in the history of NYC clubs, there's never been a shortage of dudes, not even during the Great Dude Shortage of 1883. Barney thinks they need to ditch the girls. He says he doesn't see no rings on these fingers. Ted asks the door man if the girls inside are hotter than their dates. "I don't know if they're hotter... but they're drunker." Action decided. Ted and Barney go inside. Men behaving badly!
Lily and Marshall's new Dowisetrepla apartment. Marshall carries Lily across the doorway as Robin carries in their farm painting. Marshall spins Lily around. It really is a very cute place. Lily goes to see if the owners left any free stuff. Marshall goes to hang the painting right in the entry area and finds an awesome free nail. Marshall tries to hand the painting, but it keeps tilting. He stands back. Robin figures it out as Marshall tries to figure out what's going on. "Your apartment's crooked," she tells him. Robin lays a bottle of champagne on the hardwood floor. It rolls across the room. SagetTed says it's something that once you noticed, you couldn't not notice. The camera tilts to show us how badly the apartment is skewed. It's pretty bad. Marshall tries to hide his panic. He can't believe they spent their whole life savings on this. Lily finds a Hungry Hungry Hippos game and a skateboard. Who leaves that stuff behind? As Lily goes to hunt for more stuff, Marshall asks Robin to keep the crooked thing quiet. He doesn't want to break Lily's heart. Lily finds a salad strainer. Robin tells Marshall it's going to be an uphill battle. Also? He'll have to find the right angle to tell her. Robin holds back a third one, but I offer it for her: Marshall should just accept what's happened instead of tilting at windmills.
Inside the club. Instead of enjoying the truckloads of hot women, Ted is whining about an ethical philosophical wormhole. As Barney touts his green suit to the ladies, Ted says that he's been rewarded all night for his bad behavior: he ditches his friends, then is rewarded with two hot girls. He ditches the two hot girls and is rewarded with a room full of them. "38 looong," Barney announces. Ted thinks the laws of the universe are working in reverse. A woman at the bar puts her drinks on a tab for "Garrido." Ted tempts the Gods by ordering two bottles of Dom Perignon and putting it on the Garrido tab. It works! A cute girl who just happens to be dating Nick Lachey comes up and pinches Ted for not wearing green. Barney pretends to be wearing teal. She is Ashlee "With two e's." Barney tells Ted, "Please. Two C's at most." She invites them to come share a bottle of tequila with her and her friends who have "Shockingly deep belly buttons." Er... nice? Ted thinks that bad things are causing good things to happen. Barney thinks the universe is telling them that they have a free pass to do whatever they want. Barney gives the speech with his eyes closed. "There is no tomorrow," he says gravely. Ted buys into the theory. They get free caviar to go with their champagne. We cut straight to the two of them partying with a huge group of hot girls saying, "No tomorrow!" Barney wonders what the grown-ups are doing.
They are playing Hungry Hungry Hippos on the floor of the apartment. Lily keeps winning because the floor is tilted in her favor. The painting falls. A bottle tumbles across the floor. Lily asks what's going on. Marshall makes up a story about a Confederate ghost. It's pretty lame, even for a ghost story. Robin backs him up, reluctantly. Marshall says it's a general who died in an army hospital that used to stand on this land. Lily is skeptical at first. She says Marshall sees ghosts everywhere, even at Starbucks. "That Kenny G CD flew off the shelf!" he says. Robin says it's the last time that happened. Wow. A Kenny G joke? 'Tis the season for sitcom jokes from 1989. I blame the strike. Lily starts to get scared. She jumps into Marshall's arms.
Ted, sitting with Vanessa "Ashlee" Minnillo, says he's testing a theory. He tells her he doesn't want a relationship, he just wants to hook up and not call her afterward. She says she's in. Barney emerges from the floor, having just sucked on a navel. He and Ted exchange, "No tomorrow"s. Ashlee says she likes that because if there is a tomorrow, she's in big trouble: she's married. She kisses Ted, who is suddenly stunned.
Lily is in the tilty apartment, having gone back to skeptical from her state of fear. Marshall assures her that the ghost is friendly. Lily suspects this Confederate general might be racist. Marshall says he had courtly Southern manners. Can we dispense of this ghost thing already? It was old before the commercial break. Undead, even. Lily doesn't want her kids raised by a racist ghost. Oh, that would be the best sitcom ever! Marshall says the guy was just fighting for states' rights. Robin stops the madness: "The apartment is crooked!" she says. Lily suddenly notices. She starts freaking out about the mortgage and the crooked floor. She cries. Marshall holds her. Nice one, Robin. She asks how a racist ghost is better than crooked. She keeps talking, but it's just empty dialogue in a fizzling plotline.
The almost-lesbian nightclub. Ted is moving around and bumps into a very attractive brunette whom I suppose we're supposed to think is The Mother. Ted says he's sorry. She says that's all right. I wouldn't mind if it were her one bit. That's one mom I'd like to... recognize as the fulcrum of this show! Ted approaches Barney with doubts about the theory. Barney says if you want to know the age of a woman, check her elbows. Or her hands. Or her neck. Sorry, ladies. For men, you can look at our hairlines and sagging balls. If you're into that, I mean. Wrong theory. Ted reveals that the girl he likes his married. Barney offers some "Premium '91 Octane knowledge." The three rules of cheating: it's not cheating if you're not the one who's married. It's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels (yay, Paola!) and it's not cheating if she's from a different area code. I may have also heard the expression, "Eatin' ain't cheatin'." Do with that what you will. Ted asks about the area code thing. "She's 516," Barney says, "she might dress like she's 718, act like she's 212, but trust me, she's 516." Enjoy that one, East Coasters. Barney blames the husband for letting his wife out on this holiday. "If that's not 973, I'm 307," Barney says. He reveals that 307 is Wyoming.
Marshall and Lily are sulking about bolted-down furniture and the lack of pinball machines in their future. Lily thinks their kids will grow up slanted. Marshall says they'll have to name their daughter Eileen. Even the laugh track can't get behind that one. Robin has an idea. She tells Marshall to open the door. She gets on the skateboard and rolls down the incline. Fun! She says that's five points. Lily goes , backward. SagetTed says that it's how the sport of Apartment Roller Luge was born.
Nightclub. Barney says that at least Ted's new girl doesn't have kids. He can tell by the wrists. Ashlee gooses Ted from behind. Ted whines that he's been thinking about her being married and that they've been drinking and... she kisses him to shut him up. Would that there were an easier way to shut Ted up. Someone puts a hand on Ted's shoulder. It's a tall redheaded man wearing a green sweater. "We have a problem?" he asks, shot out of a cannon. Ted asks if that's her husband. Nope. He's Rick Garrido, bar tab payer. Ted tries to explain that there's a very simple explanation. He gets punched in the face. Ted down, Ted down!
We cut to the morning. Ted, eating cereal, is telling Marshall that the police came and picked up the guy. Ted has a black eye. He says that he got to drink for free for the rest of the night. "It was awesome!" Marshall is disappointed. He'a also wearing a very nice shirt and tie. He asks if Ted sees anything wrong with that story. Ted says he lost his new phone at the club. Marshall starts yelling at Ted that he committed credit card fraud and that he KISSED A MARRIED WOMAN! He says that Ted is turning into Barney. "We don't need another Barney!" he yells. Ted tries to defend himself, saying it was St. Paddy's day and it wasn't as bad as it sounds. Marshall lays his phone on the table and plays a message Ted (or perhaps Ted's butt) left for him the night before. Ted says that the real version of the night before started to come back to him. We cut to Ted and Barney in line talking to the door man. In this scenario, Ted is very drunk and is the one who says, "Rock 'n' roll!" when they hear the girls inside are drunker.
Back in the apartment, Ted asks how many more messages he left. Marshall says there are 17 more. We see Ted ordering on the Garrido tab and Ted telling Ashlee he wants to hook up and never see her again. He seems a lot less charming being so drunk. The last flashback is Drunk Ted telling Garrido that there's a simple explanation, calling him "Brah" and getting clocked in the eye again. He falls to the ground. SagetTed bums out about how bad things were and how sometimes to realize how skewed things are you have to see things crooked. The camera goes crooked on lying-on-the-floor Ted to make the point.
Cut back to the apartment. Ted says that was hard to listen to. He thanks Marshall. He says Marshall yelled at him and was very firm. He says Marshall is very sexy when he yells. Marshall says Ted is ruining a nice moment. Ted thought they were going to kiss. "Ted. Seriously. I'm married," Marshall tells him. Ted chuckles. Ted says that architecturally speaking, the slanted floor is going to be very expensive to fix. Marshall knows this already. He says it'll take some time. For now, they're stuck at the apartment with Ted. Ted is actually very happy about that. Ted gets up to go get his phone.
SagetTed winds up the story by saying that The Mom was at the party, he just didn't meet her. He says it's good because if they had met, she wouldn't have liked him. Ted didn't like himself much. But tomorrow had arrived. Ted walks down the street. He goes into the club, which is a complete mess. A guy is cleaning. Ted moves stuff around looking for his phone. He doesn't find it anywhere. He looks out and it's raining hard. He goes back in and looks around. He sees a folded-up yellow umbrella. SagetTed says that his luck was about to change. We see Ted walking out in the rain holding the yellow umbrella.
Epilogue: Barney emerges from the trash behind the club in his green suit. He stands up blearily, spitting. "I'm awesome," he declares, and walks offscreen.
week: Britney!