September 2007. It was not quite October, yet certainly past August. July was growing but a distant memory. November was yet but a speck in October's grimy orange eye. We flash back to the season premiere's discovery that Ted has a tattoo, or as Barney called it, "A Tramp Stamp." Ah, good times.
The present day... We cut to an office with a sign that reads, "Dermatology & Tattoo Removal Clinic." The office is as generic as the sign. SagetTed tells his unseen children that too often we make decisions in life we're not prepared to deal with. We pan across the room where people with many, many tattoos are walking around presumably waiting to have half of their skin mass sanded off. One burly guy wearing a muscle shirt (if you're so ashamed of a tattoo, why wear a muscle shirt?) sits to Present-Day Ted, crying. The tattoo on the bicep reads...what the hell does that say? "Rex & Evan Forever?" "Rasputin Forever?" "Reginald Denny Was Here...Forever?" Apparently, the studio audience is much more eagle-eyed than me, because they laugh at whatever it said. "Residuals Forever?" Ted sits reading a magazine and eyeing his fellow patients with suspicion. Some very annoying lilting music starts to play and doesn't stop until an eternity later.
The apartment. Ted shows off his lower-back butterfly tattoo and tells his friends to wish it goodbye because it's going to be gone soon. Lily asks how everyone's going to know that Ted is a stripper from Reno with daddy issues. From the way he strips and cries at the same time? Ted says that in ten surprisingly expensive sessions, Stella is going to zap that butterfly away. Should somebody call PETA? Ted says that Dr. Stella Zinman is the best in the business. And business is booming. On Ted's lower back. Ted announces that he's also going to a movie that night with Dr. Stella. Barney, protecting his suit with a huge white napkin on his neck (everyone's eating from Chinese food boxes), says, "What?!" Barney is not being very supportive. Barney, along with everyone else, grouses at Ted, asking why he would ask the doctor out. "Don't poop where you eat," Barney says. Especially not in one of these Chinese food boxes. Marshall and Lily chime in that if it's someone you can't avoid and whom you're paying... it's a bad idea. Barney de-napkins and stands, asking if Ted remembers the Golden Rule: "Love thy neighbor." Correcty-Ted says the Golden Rule is, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." "It's from The Bible?" he says. Barney says he's worked out this whole thing, so just go with it. Ted smiles, bemused. Barney proposes The Platinum Rule, the rule above his made-up Golden Rule: "Never, ever, ever, ever love thy neighbor." Ted is ignoring this advice. Robin asks Ted to remember what happened between her and Curt at the TV station. Let me guess: has he been curt with you? Ha ha ha, oh mercy me. We do have fun around here. Marshall asks Ted to remember what happened between Lily, Marshall, and The Gerards across the hall. Barney asks Ted to remember what happened between Barney and Wendy the Waitress. Ted, adjusting his rapidly growing poof of hair in the mirror, has no time for these stories. Do we have time for this? Can we fit all three stories into 20 more minutes? Ted says he's out the door as soon as he's done with his hair. Barney says that gives them a solid half-hour. Lily, Marshall, and Robin force some laughs. Barney winds up for a long eight-part list to convince Ted not to go on his date. It begins with...
...A title card reads, "Attraction." November 2005: Wendy the Waitress is bringing drinks to the gang at MacLaren's. She flirts with Barney. She notices a stain on her shirt and starts rubbing it off. It happens to be right on her boob. Barney is suddenly smitten. December 2006: Lily and Marshall are in the hallway and meet their new neighbors, Michael and Laura. Laura is the awesome Kristen Schaal from Flight of the Conchords. Laura asks if they know any good brunch places. "We love brunch!" Lily announces. Marshall smiles as the heavens sing. October 2007: Robin is at work at the anchor desk. A burly, semi-unshaven guy sits to her. He's Curt "The Iron Man" Irons, the new sports guy. Robin asks if he's a former athlete. "Hockey," he says. Uh-oh.
Back at the apartment, Barney explains that the attraction is instant and undeniable. Barney says that Ted might think the Platinum Rule doesn't apply to him, but that leads us to Step 2...
...A title card reads, "Bargaining." 2007: MacLaren's. Robin tells the group she might have a crush on the new sports guy. She explains that he used to play hockey and she's Canadian. She pines for lost teeth. Lily reminds her what happened with The Gerards. Side-whoosh to 2006: Lily's hair is infinitely better. She's excited about inviting the neighbors over for dinner. Ted tries to explain that in New York City, you don't make friends with neighbors. You just nod politely in the hall. He says you call the cops if you haven't seen them and smell something funny. Robin does a long and unfunny bit about how they're doing the couples' equivalent of dating: going to couples' brunch, going antiquing. It gets old fast. Marshall looks smitten and guilty. Barney reminds everyone what happened with Wendy the Waitress. Side-whoosh to 2005: Marshall has decided to seduce Wendy. Lily, with bright red hair, protests. So does Robin, who thinks Barney should already have a catchy name for this kind of bad idea. Barney thinks it's a great idea. "She's gullible. I'm bored. We're perfect for each other!" Ted warns that they love the bar and Barney is going to kill it. He's going to kill the bar. Side-whoosh back to 2006: Marshall says he thinks the thing with the neighbors will be all right, despite Barney's situation. Side-whoosh to 2007: Robin thinks the thing with Curt will be all right. One more side-whoosh (I'm dizzy! Help!) to the present. Ted, at the apartment, thinks things with the doctor will be fine. That was a long way to go for a little bit of that.
Opening credits. Ba ba pa pa! Jingle bells, Marshall's swell, Robin laid a Curt. Ted's a prig, Lily's wig, Barney's 'bout to spuuuu-hurt!
Ted is still messing with his giant hair while Barney is trying to talk him out of going on the date. Ted says that he and the doctor are both mature adults. Well, one of them is, at least. Robin stands up and reveals the hideousness of her outfit. It's last week'sProject Runwaychallenge! Baggy sweater, underwear as outerwear (her crazy bra is fully exposed)...if she's wearing leggings, it's the hat trick! She counter's Ted claim of maturity by saying he has a butterfly Tramp Stamp. Ted promises to back off if the date starts to get weird. Barney says that leads to the third step. He says it right in Robin's face, seductively...
...A title card reads, "Submission." It's a montage. Girl-group music plays. Barney is the last one at the bar as Wendy is putting up chairs. She asks if he minds helping her since Carl is already gone. Barney doesn't mind at all. We cut to the news set two years later where Curt is offering to take Robin out to a hockey game. Cut to a year before (why are these out of order?) as Lily and Marshall have a conversation with their neighbors, who lost their pots and pans in the movie. Lily and Marshall invite them over for dinner. Cut to: Barney and Wendy making out at the bar. I guess this sort of rules out Wendy as Your Mother. Cut to: the hockey game. Robin and Curt bump chests after a score. It's kind of hot. Cut to: Lily, Marshall, and the neighbors all cooking in the kitchen. Cut to: Barney mounting Wendy on top of the bar. Ew! I watch people drinking there! Cut to: Lily and Marshall loving their new neighbors as they all play Charades. Cut to: Robin and Curt kissing, ignoring the hockey game.
The montage is over. Barney has just had sex with Wendy, two years ago. They both emerge from behind the bar. Barney's shirt is unbuttoned. Wendy's is about to fall off. "Wow!" she says. "That was an interesting use of the beverage gun." Dude! I have to watch people get served drinks from that gun! Barney says Club Soda can get anything off. Ha ha. Wendy gets all schmoopy. She says she always thought there was a connection with Barney. Barney, already preparing to leave, asks if he can get a gin and tonic.
At the apartment, Ted says that Barney at least got the drink for free. "I paid for it," Barney says grimly. Ted thinks he might be able to get a discount on his treatments by dating the doctor. Barney says there is an upside. At first. Step four...
...A title card reads, "Perks." Robin is gushing about Curt. She has a standing lunch date, she can split a cab to work, and Curt got her into a hockey locker room to meet Mason Raymond. Blank stares. He plays for the Vancouver Canucks. "What's the opposite of name dropping?" Barney asks. Robin thinks things are going well. Lily reminiscences about the neighbors and we go back a year. She's gushing about how great it is to have neighbors who are friends. They can go out together all the time at a moment's notice. Marshall does a Charades re-enactment of going across the hall to greet the neighbors. Lily thinks they have a great thing going. "That's what I thought," Barney says. Flash back a year. Wendy has brought her sweetie Barney some free nachos. She kisses him. He's a little freaked out. Wendy is acting really moony. Everyone else is mad at Barney for potentially killing the bar. Barney insists he's not killing the bar. He thinks Wendy is on the same wavelength about his shenanigans. She's staring at him. Obviously she's not. A bunch of side-whooshes back to the present of everyone trying to kid themselves that their situation is "Fine." Barney brings us back to...
A title card reads, "The tipping point." Robin and Curt are on the air (since when did he become co-anchor?). During a break, she asks if he wants to do something later. He throws a hissyfit about how she was supposed to call the night before and he waited up. No call. Robin apologizes, saying she forgot. Hockey veterans are sensitive. He's celebrating their "First Weekiversary." He hugs Robin. Yikes!
Rewind two years. Barney is scoping out a hot blonde at the bar. He asks Wendy to send a glass of champagne to the woman. Wendy is like, "Do WHAT!?" Barney plays it off that he meant to buy Wendy a drink. Wendy falls for that. She kisses an unhappy Barney.
Fast-forward a year. Lily and Marshall are on their way out, but the neighbors stop them with fixings for a Mexican fiesta. Lily and Marshall have tickets to something, but they stay in, reluctantly. Playing Charades in Hell. They watch unhappily as the neighbors act out something. Three-way split screen of the two of them, Barney and Robin all saying, "Oh no..."
Barney is about to introduce Step 6, but Ted is already on his way out. He offers to read it tomorrow if Barney will write it down for him. Barney slides all the way to the door to block Ted's way. "Don't do this, Ted!" he wails. Barney grabs Ted in a headlock and messes up his hair. Not that there's any difference whatsoever. "Gah! It was perfect! You're a jerk!" Ted whines. He goes back to the mirror. Barney goes back to introducing Step 6. As he does so, Marshall hands him a tissue and Barney wipes off the gunk from Ted's head off his hand. Hee. Barney says that Step 6 is "Purg-... wait for it..." He says you keep waiting for all eternity because there's no escape from...
...A title card reads, "Purgatory." 2007 Robin calls herself an idiot. She's complaining about her work romance and how it's completely out of control. Curt is leaving her love notes everywhere, including the jar of sugar packets to the coffee maker. We cut to the year before when Marshall and Lily were calling themselves idiots for getting involved with the neighbors. The neighbors are being stalkeriffic. They're always there. Marshall wonders if they're ghosts. Lily bangs her head on the table. The year before that, Barney spots a hot girl at the bar. She smiles at him. But Wendy is right there. Barney whines that he can't hit on women in his own bar. He compares himself to a lion in the zoo. He can only mount the lioness because he's neutered and declawed. Ted thinks the metaphor is falling apart. Barney says he's just a docile housecat now. He meows. Lily suggests Barney marry her. "Wendy the Waitress-hyphen-Stinson," Robin says. Marshall tells Barney not to kill the bar. Barney bangs his head on the table.
Apartment. Barney is lecturing that to do a "relationshipectomy," you have to do what you were dreading all along, Step 7...
...A title card reads, "Confrontation." Robin tells Curt they have to talk. She really likes him. Lily and Marshall tell their neighbors they really like them. "I don't like you," Barney tells Wendy, bluntly. Robin says she's getting tired of the whole charade Lily and Marshall say they're getting tired of Charades. Barney doesn't quite follow, but he does say that he'd like to see lady parts, just on another lady. Robin wants to go back to being co-workers. Lily and Marshall want to go back to just being neighbors. Barney offers Wendy the option of a threesome, if she's into that. Wendy thinks Barney is terrified of getting close to someone. Barney offers to go with that explanation. He asks for a gin and tonic.
Apartment. Barney says that normally this would be it, but because you have to see that person again, you come to Step 8...
...A title card reads, "Fallout." Robin introduces Curt on the news. He's very sad. He says the Knicks lost (like always?) and that it's sad because they had a real shot. Curt asks, "Why, Robin?" Robin tries to explain the game, but Curt goes after her for not even trying. "The Knicks suck!" he announces. So true, so true. We cut to Lily and Marshall trying to escape the apartment without the neighbors seeing. They retreat back to their place from the hallway. Somebody's knocking. It's Ted, who forgot his keys. He keeps knocking. The neighbors emerge behind Ted: Lily and Marshall can see it through the peephole. They decide to go out the fire escape. The neighbors are waiting downstairs for them. The fallout for Barney's situation is that Wendy says she has no hard feelings, and that they can still be friends. Barney pretends to agree, but then he throws out his drink, which he thinks is poisoned. He throws out Ted's drink, too. Barney panics. He thinks Wendy is a psycho. He sees Marshall about to bite into a hamburger. He dives in slow motion and knocks the burger away. "Dude!" Marshall says. "You're welcome," Barney tells him.
Present Day. Robin is annoyed that Barney's been acting like the expert over relationship fallout when he hasn't experienced it at all. "Yet," Barney says. Robin calls him an idiot. Ted is taking off. Barney messes up his hair again. Barney lists the 8 steps again. He thinks it's going to happen to Ted. Ted wails that he's tired of all the rules. The Lemon Law, the Crazy/Hot Scale, the Platinum Rule. He says that if everyone followed Barney's rules, the human race would cease to exist. Ted makes an impassioned speech that he may not end up with this girl forever, but he's going to give it a shot. Ted notices in the mirror that Barney made his hair look awesome. He takes off.
SagetTed says that the date turned out not to be a date. We go to "three hours later." Ted tells the gang, who are still camped out in his apartment, that Stella thought it was just a friend-date, not a real date. She can't date Ted because she's a doctor and he's her patient. Legally, she can't. Ted gets on the couch to watch TV with everyone. SagetTed says that this was the end of the story with Stella, at least for now. "Ooh Child," by The Five Stairsteps starts to play (did this just become Everybody Hates Chris?) as SagetTed explains Step 9, which he says is "Coexistence." He says it's easier to let go of the anger and just get along. Well ain't that special! Montage of friendly scenes. Robin and Curt are doing the news together and they're friendly again. Lily and Marshall see the neighbors in the hall and they have a nice little conversation. The neighbors have invited friends over for Charades. At the bar, Wendy has brought Barney a free drink. Barney tosses it over his shoulder and goes, "Cuckooooo!"
Sorry, no episode tag this week. Happy holidays anyway!