The year is 2030. We all have already seen Cloverfield and hated it. The Cubs still haven't won a World Series. Madame Jenna Bush Jr. is finishing up her second term as president. And SagetTed is explaining to his kids that back in 2007, it seemed like everyone belonged to something silly called "gyms." Wow, my wife and I were just talking about canceling our membership and going over the top with our bodies and just not caring. (We might even wave our hands in the air.) Glad to see that in the future, we might look as slender as SagetTed's kids without the manual labor. We cut to an establishing shot of "FitNYs" as SagetTed explains that people in the past used to pay money to run around and lift things. He says people fell for it, including poor Ted, when he had a moment of realization about not being in shape.
At the apartment, Ted has a pizza arriving. Wearing his very 2006-2007 treated jeans, Ted tells the guy to wait at the door so he can run to his bedroom and grab his wallet. Ted gets back to the door completely winded. "Whoo!" he says. Whoo to you, Ted. Whoo to you. Ted says it's further than it looks to get to the bedroom. He remembers he left a coupon there, but decides not to expend the effort to go get it. "Please don't judge me," he tells the pizza guy. Because a New York City pizza delivery guy has never seen an out-of-shape person. We cut to MacLaren's where Ted is telling the story to Barney and adding that he then shame-ate the whole pizza. He says he woke up greasy and sweaty and that his sheets looked like the paper they wrap sandwiches in at the deli. That's actually what all of Kid Rock's clothes look like on the inside, too. Ted wonders if he should join a gym. He asks if Barney goes to one. Barney, drinking his Scotch, says he goes to Total Rip Fitness, but he doesn't work out there; he invests.
This must be a great story because Barney holds off on finishing it until he can get Ted to his gym. We cut to gym, where Barney is shooting off compliments to Cheryl, one of his investments. Ted asks if Barney's investments are women. They are, but a certain kind of woman. Barney tries to put it delicately: "They fat!" he tells Ted. Barney gives these women attention when they're large so that when they get hot, he's the first person they run to. Barney points to his temple. It's a thinking man's temple. Ted can't decide whether to be disgusted or impressed. Be imprugsted. Barney says more quietly that not all of his investments pay dividends. He points out a girl named Tonya at the vending machines. Barney says she's one Kit-Kat away from junk bond status. A very hot woman in tight red gymwear walks by and says hi to Barney. He compliments her as she walks by. Barney says that this investment is about to pay off. He looks down toward his groin and predicts aggressive growth in his future. "What up?" Barney says, raising the hand up for dap. We don't get to see whether dap is actually exchanged, which is a shame. I like to follow the dap trade market.
MacLaren's. The whole group is there and they're talking about what transpired at the gym. Robin thinks she should join the gym so she can get really strong and punch Barney in the face. Ted says they should all do it. "Yeah, let's all punch Barney in the face!" Lily squeals. Lily is wearing a bad Cleopatra Halloween wig. It's not so much flattering as it is flattening. My spirit. Ted says they should totally join the gym together. He says they put on all this beer weight together, and they could lose it together. Robin suggests they could stop drinking beer. Everyone agrees to join the gym instead.
Side-wipe to the gym. Marshall is standing around as Lily bounces in one of those giant exercise balls. This may be controversial, but I will be brave: I think those workout balls are complete bullshit. Nobody ever got buff chilling out on a bean bag. The jig is up, Gold's Gym. I call bullshit on giant workout balls. A very tiny woman (smaller than Lily, even) approaches Marshall and introduces herself as his trainer, Trish. Lily notices that Trish is hot and tries to step in as Marshall smiles goofily and shakes the woman's hand. Lily pulls Marshall aside. Honey, do you need money for a new wig? Because this one is to' up! Lily wonders if maybe this trainer isn't too hot for Marshall. Marshall gestures to his own body and says he can see what Lily is worried about. He says this is just about taking care of himself. Lily will always be his sugar. Marshall walks back to the trainer, who asks him if he's ready to make a commitment to his body. Marshall is all about commitment; he'll drive to Vermont and have a commitment ceremony with his body. He says that's a weird thing to say, stepping on his own pretty funny joke. Trish tells Marshall to give her 100 push-ups. He asks how many she wants him to do. "100," she repeats. Marshall thought that was just a figure of speech. Trish asks if Marshall smells that. He doesn't. "It smells like there's a little bitch in my gym," she says. Marshall is far from little, but I'll agree on the other part. Trish yells for Marshall to get on the floor and give her 100. He gets down and starts, a little chastened.
Cut to Lily and Robin doing floor stretches on big blue mats. Robin is wearing biker shorts, an unflattering yellow headband and a loose muscle shirt. And no make-up. She comments on how great it is not to have to dress up or make herself pretty for the gym. Ted, standing nearby, says they're meeting their friend Robin at the gym later and he hopes this girl doesn't hate her because she's hot. "Shut up!" Robin says. She asks Lily to tell Ted the same. "I'm sorry, lesbian prison guard, do we know each other?" Lily snarks. Barney, suited up spiffily, comes up to Ted. He pauses to tell Robin, "Oh, hey, dude, I'm Barney."
Side-whoosh to Barney at the smoothie bar. The woman behind the counter is a woman named Rhonda. Barney introduces himself as being from Staten Island Boulevard. She doesn't seem to remember him. Side-whoosh back to Barney telling Ted he can't believe this woman doesn't remember him. "I lost my virginity to her," he says. Everyone looks. I wonder if that's what this episode's about! Ya think?
Ba ba pa pa! Now with one fewer slap to anticipate.
The bar. Marshall is complaining that Trish made him do 70 push-ups but only gave him credit for 10. Then he had to do 100 sit-ups. Then he cried, due to her words. Aw, Marshmallow. Barney sits with a sigh. He's wearing quite the flashy midnight blue suit. He can't figure out why Rhonda wouldn't remember him. Ted thinks maybe since it was Barney's first time, it wasn't so good. Barney assures him that he rocked Rhonda's world. Barney engages Storytime Mode.
Side-whoosh. The year is 1998. The year I met my wife. Hey Lilly Grace, if you're reading this, remind me to tell you the story of how I met your mother. Barney, in his hippie, goateed mode, is still with his college girlfriend and they were saving themselves. Sucker! We replay the time when Barney got dumped. He says in voiceover that he was 23 and still a virgin. He says he went to his brother, James, who knew everything about girls. "Your gay brother James?" Robin asks. Barney says this was before he was gay.
We cut to Barney sitting on a coach to his brother, Wayne Brady. Wayne's got on a beer hat (awesome), and there's a giant glass bowl of Cheetos on the coffee table. Elegant. Barney, with the stringy hair, is crying and blubbering. Wayne Brady suggests that Barney find a girl and have sex with her ASAP. Just don't choke a bitch! Wayne Brady only suggests that on basic cable shows. Blubbering Barney says he's scared. Wayne Brady understands. He says it's "gross. Doing that with a woman?" But, he says, it's part of being a guy. He suggests that Barney think about baseball. He says he thinks about dudes on the field and it's over a lot faster. Ha. Barney wonders how you seduce a woman. Wayne says you can't overthink it. He talks about baseball, then makes an interesting segue to figure skating. He mentions that he's really getting into figure skating lately. But that's not gay at all! I like figure skating. OH MY GOD! Come quick, wife! Barney, still crying, wonders what woman would have sex with him. "It's not like I'm a Backstreet Boy!" he whines. Wayne Brady suggests "The Manmaker." God?
Side-whoosh to 1981. VoiceoverBarney describes Rhonda "Manmaker" French, their mom's friend from down the street. Barney and James are playing Go Fish with Rhonda at her place. We see in successive scenes Rhonda telling Barney and James' mom about how much she likes the paper boy (she let him throw into her hedges) and the pool boy (she let him snake her drain) and the Chinese food delivery boy. For this last one, she has no funny way to say it because she just had sex with him. Side-whoosh back to...1998? Wow, show, you're really stretching the space-time continuum this week. Pheasant Barney thinks that's a great idea and thinks it'll be easier since Rhonda knows him.
Cut to Barney showing up at her door. "Hi, Barry!" she says. He's brought her flowers, which is cute. He starts to proposition her, but she just grabs him and drags him inside. Later, Barney is getting dressed. Rhonda, in bed, says, "Wow! You just rocked my world! That was the best sex I ever had!" She seems to mean it. Pheasant Barney smiles, having rocked a world.
Back to the present, Barney says that he was born that day. He rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom and strode into the world Armani-clad and fully awesome. And that is Barney's version of how he lost his virginity.
Gym. Marshall is doing push-ups. He begs Trish to let him stop. Trish thinks Marshall's going to have a massive coronary in a few years when he turns 40. Marshall says he's 29. "50 more!" Trish yells. Lily shows up. She's arm-in-arm with Max, her new trainer. They're going to focus on flexibility. "Gonna stretch her out," Max says. They walk off. "Great. Wait, what?" Marshall asks. Trish yells at him some more. Marshall keeps doing sit-ups and we see from his point of view Lily and Max getting into increasingly exotic stretching positions. Marshall thinks that's not cool. It's a tiny bit hot, though.
Juice bar. Barney is trying to talk to Rhonda. He tries to remind her about the old days. He wonders if one man from her past might have stood out above the pack. Rhonda remembers a kid who was not Barney and had a tongue like a gekko. Ew? They should have a dude like that on Heroes. Barney tries to refresh her memory again. She remembers another not-Barney who had hips like a woman but knew how to use them. "What about me?" Barney asks, annoyed. He reminds her that they slept together and that she said he was the best she ever had.
Rhonda has her own side-whoosh flashback. Wayne Brady is at her door, telling her to make Barney think he's the best she ever had. Wayne Brady begs. She tries to make a deal. He resists. He says he has a girlfriend and that hers is the only vagina for him. "I love it. It isn't...scary at all." Wayne finally gives up the fight. "Fine. Reggie Jackson. Reggie Jackson," he says.
Barney reminds Rhonda of the compliments she gave him. We flash back to what really happened. "Wow. That was the best sex I ever had," Rhonda says robotically, bored and smoking in bed. Pheasant Barney is like, "Yeah!"
Present day, gym. Barney explains in a convoluted way that he rocked her world and that all subsequent world-rocking he did was the result of that first rocking. "Sorry, Barry," Rhonda says. Barney whispers hysterically, "It's Barney!"
MacLaren's. Marshall is explaining to Lily how his trainer kept tricking him into doing "one more set" and wouldn't stop. "She lied to my face! Everything hurts!" he yells. Wow, Marshall is totally a little bitch this week. Lily says the whole point of working out is to feel better and this trainer is making him feel miserable. She wants him to call the trainer and quit. Marshall makes a show of staying committed, but caves when Lily offers to call for him. Lilly calls and totally bitches out Trish. She calls her an employee and then says, "You're fired, bitch!" Lilly stays on a bit longer, then hangs up, telling Marshall he'd better get down there because Trish sounds really pissed. Wonk, wonk! Barney shows up. He's asked if he's upset about the whole Rhonda thing. He asks why he'd be upset about the opinion of one woman when he can focus on the attention of a gaggle of supermodels. He's got three tickets to the after-party of the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. "Uh, Kablammie!" he says, presenting the tickets. Truly these are inspiring times. Marshall asks if he can go. Lily says yes; he's too sore to do anything anyway.
The fashion show afterparty. Thumping gay club music is playing (haaaay!) as people are mingling. Marshall, Ted, and Barney show up at the entrance, suitably awed. Barney is audibly suited. Barney tells his gents that this isn't a regular season game, it's the World Series. He says they're a team and they work together. But if anyone sees Heidi Klum, Barney's got dibs. I think Seal has dibs. They spot two supermodels I don't recognize. One of them looks like Jessica Simpson, and not in a bad way. She asks if the guys work for the company. "Yeah. It's called I'm Gonna Get in Your Panties, Incorporated," Barney blurts out. Smooth? No. Rich? Yes. "Gross!" the other model says in a way that is actually gross in and of itself. They walk away. "Duuuuude!" Ted yells. Barney can't explain what happened, but regains his composure to hit on another set of models. Is one of them Adriana Lima? I can't even tell anymore. Barney tries to do, "This party is legend-- wait for it!" He can't finish the thought. One of the models thinks he's having a stroke. Instead of calling for an ambulance, they walk away. Barney almost collapses. "What is the matter with me?" he asks. Barney wonders if he might have The Yips. You know you've really grown into the CBS fold when one of your obscure cultural references is to something only golfers have heard of. Ted sees another model coming down some stairs and pushes Barney toward her, saying that English is her second language and even if Barney screws up, she won't know. The model smiles at him and says hi. "Those are...very nice honkers!" Barney says. She doesn't know the term. She asks if Barney wants to go dance. "I'm talking about those things," Barney says, pointing at her breasts, "Ah-ooooga! Ah-oooooga!" Wow. I've only done that like twice in my whole life. The model walks away. Fiercely. Barney is totally freaked out. He slaps himself. "Heidi Klum!" he yells, having spotted her. Hey, it's totally Heidi Klum, wearing a gold dress. Barney introduces himself. Heidi shakes his hand as Barney spits in her face, "Goobity, goobity, goobity, goobity!" Oh, man, that's not even trying anymore. Barney slinks away in shame and buries his head on a nearby table. Heidi asks Ted if he's all right. Ted says he has The Yips. Heidi knows enough English and golf to know what that means. She says that's bad. She says in Germany, they call it (really long made-up German word that even the Closed Captioning doesn't bother to attempt). Barney says he's lost his confidence. Heidi comes over to comfort him saying he has to open up to someone. Barney half-heartedly tries to get Heidi to open up something dirty, but he can't even finish the thought. Ted explains about the virginity and the Wayne Brady. "That's a rough one," Heidi concurs. She repeats the bullshit German phrase and advises Barney to go out, find a girl, and earn her for real. She says that's the only way he'll find himself. Barney wants to kiss her. "I see little hamburgers!" she says suddenly, and goes after them. "Auf wiedersehen!" she says. Barney says in wonderment that he made out with Heidi Klum. Ted the Corrector tries to correct him, but Barney wants to hold on to the fantasy.
Rhonda's tacky-ass home. Barney, looking ragged, asks about some sex. "Let's sex," he tries. Rhonda's watching Wheel of Fortune. Barney offers to face her toward the TV. Rhonda explains that she's not the Manmaker anymore. Five years ago she discovered something much more fulfilling than meaningless sex: Indian casinos.
Later, at the bar, Barney is wandering around, wearing sweats. He moans that his entire sexual history was built on a rotting foundation of lies. Somebody call FEMA. He says his whole identity is lost in a pile of menthol ashes. Are you sure you want to go to the menthol joke well a second time? To lesser effect? Marshall enters, very sore. Barney claps him on the back and he grunts in pain. Marshall vows never to go back to the gym. He needs an assistant just to eat a bagel. Lily wants to give up the gym, too. It turns out her trainer had no affiliation with the gym whatsoever. Ted tries to rally the troops. He says that earlier that day, he and Robin had a really good moment. Side-whoosh to Robin bench pressing. She grunts and makes loud, manly noises as Ted watches in horror. She's awfully sweaty, too. Ted thanks her: she just destroyed any lingering sexual tension there might have been between them. Side-whoosh back to the bar. Robin complains that Ted hasn't even been working out. We whoosh to Ted on a treadmill, giving up before he even starts when his iPod runs out of battery. He heads home to charge it. We see Ted in another scene leaving the gym because he brought the wrong shorts. A third flashback shows Ted getting a massage instead of working out. Marshall wants help giving Ted the middle finger. Lily has a better idea. Cut to Ted doing squats while holding a big medicine ball while Trish yells at him, calling him a worthless piece of crap. Ted, sweaty, just wants to go home. Trish says it's his last set. "You said that last time!" Ted whimpers. Robin shows up. "Gone," she says, referring to Ted's sex appeal. Robin walks away, satisfied.
Barney at the bar. Rhonda, wearing a strange leopard coat, comes in. She says she saw Ted at the gym and he told her about Barney's little problem. Barney asks if she changed her mind about "Penis/Vagina." Barney asks if he was really that bad. She says nobody's good the first time. Barney thought he was. Rhonda tells him that sex isn't everything. She asks when the last time Barney had a conversation with a woman with no intention of scoring. Instead of answering the obvious, "Lily," Barney says he sat to Madeleine Albright once. "I didn't intend to hit that," he says. Rhonda doesn't think sleeping with her will solve anything. Cut to Barney and Rhonda playing Go Fish at her place. She asks if it isn't nice to just sit and have a conversation. "No," Barney answers. She agrees that it sucks. So they have sex. Cut to the bedroom where Barney really did just rock her world. She tells him it was amazing. "And I'm not lying," she says. Barney, getting dressed, is not surprised. She asks if it was good for him. He says woodenly that it was the best sex he ever had. He yawns and says, "Later," as he leaves. "Daddy's back," he says at the door. Yay! Mopey Barney's just not as fun.
MacLaren's. Ted comes to the booth, very sore. He can't move his limbs too well. Lily says she has more energy. Robin agrees that working out is awesome. They all agree that the gym is awesome and a great decision. They all toast, or at least Ted tries to. SagetTed tells us sagely, "And we never went back to the gym again." And that's it. That's really going out on a ho-hum note, but they can't all be gems, I suppose.