All right, peeps. Season three is officially ON. The first four episodes were just preamble.
MacLaren's. The gang is all gathered at the usual table. Ted is motioning for a very attractive woman in a colorful dress to join them. SagetTed is telling the kids that in the fall of 2007 (hey, that's like now!), he was dating a woman named...the scene freezes because he can't remember her name. SagetTed says he can't remember everything after 23 years (yet, they can still make a show out of it), so for the sake of this story, he'll just call her something. Ted introduces the woman to his friends as, "Blah Blah." "Please, call me 'Blah,' " she says. She's carrying a big purse, which will figure in later. Marshall asks how they met. Blah Blah says that she and Ted met in a French Fusion cooking class. Sounds ghastly. She says they were asked to pair up with a partner and she sad Ted across the room. Ted shifts uncomfortably as she tells the story. They both agree that it was "Magical." You can actually hear the quote marks. They kiss and the screen freezes.
"But it wasn't," SagetTed informs us. An hour earlier, the gang is all filing into MacLaren's and Ted is letting everyone know that they're going to hear a bogus story about a cooking class because the truth is he met Blah Blah online. Robin is first to the booth, and she's wearing a small, dark-green dress that is... wow. Nice look this week, Robin. You make me want to go to the mall. Everyone makes funny noises when they hear "online." Ted says there's no stigma anymore to meeting someone online. Robin says there's definitely a stigma. She says that's why people say there's no stigma anymore. Hey, online is how I met Glark! And that turned out...lovely. Barney asks if she's hot. Ted says she's gorgeous. Barney concludes that she's crazy. Barney offers this wisdom: the only girls who troll the Internet looking for dates are crazy, hookers or dudes. Ted says she's none of those. But, he says, there's a dude on his way to work who is all three and scares the crap out of him. Robin laughs. Barney thinks there's no way she's above the line of the Hot/Crazy Scale. Ted says she's not even on that scale, she's just hot. Robin asks what it is to be a Hot/Crazy Scale. Barney offers to illustrate. Cute instructional music plays as Barney draws a graph in the air. The graph actually appears in white lettering on screen. On the horizontal side is the word "CRAZY," which Barney spells out. Vertically, it says, "HOT." Barney says that a girl is allowed to be crazy as long as she's equally hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. He draws an X at the point where they would meet equally on the graph. He illustrated an example with a very crazy woman who then has to be very hot to match. It's a brilliant theory for our times. Robin's jaw is open in awe. Barney draws a yellow diagonal line at the midpoint and says you want a girl who falls above it. He calls it the "Vickie Mendoza Diagonal," named after a girl he dated who kept jumping across the line. He draws circles and dotted lines showing where she shaved her head, lost 10 pounds, stabbed Barney with a fork, then finally got a boob job. Barney decides he should give her a call.
Side-whoosh to the MacLaren's bathroom in 2001. Ted, rocking a Dante from Clerks goatee, is peeing to Barney at the urinals. Barney, holding one arm up, says tonight is the first night he's taking out his deaf brother since his mom died. Ted says he's sorry about that. Barney says he has to take care of him now. Barney goes on with that line of bullshit. Then he's proud of himself that Ted bought the story he just made up while peeing. Barney believes it has to work on a hot blonde sitting at the end of the bar. Barney asks if Ted might be a total idiot. Ted says he's still having this conversation, so... Barney tells him that was "well-played," and exits the bathroom. Right at the door, he says, "I like you, Ted."
15 minutes later, Barney sits to Ted at a booth and says he's going to teach him how to live. First: breathe! Barney puts an arm around Ted and tells him the first lesson is to lose the goatee because it doesn't go with his suit. Also, Ted needs a suit. They're awesome. No marriage before 30. Also, Ted needs to shut up now, because Barney's going to try the deaf brother story on the blonde. He introduces Ted as his deaf brother Edward. "EDWARD! THIS IS AUDREY!" Barney yells into Ted's face. Audrey knows sign language. She signs her name to Ted. Barney makes excuses for Ted not signing, including tiny lady-like hands. Ted does know how to sign. He signs to Audrey that she should give her number to Barney. She does. Barney is impressed.
Side-whoosh to the present. Barney says he knew then that they would be each other's wingmen forever, even though the girl gave him a fake number. Ted confesses that the story didn't exactly go like that. We flash back and Ted is actually signing that Barney is lying and that the blonde should give him a fake number. Back in the present, everyone laughs except Barney. He gets annoyed and says that with a wingman like that, he might need to resort to meeting someone in a desperate way...like online. He repeats, "Online" again directly at Blah Blah. She figures out that Ted told everyone. Ted says that the love-at-first-sight thing only happens in movies. Barney corrects that it happened with Ted and Robin. We flash to the pilot in 2005 where they first met. Blah Blah, surprised, asks how long they dated. Robin, doing damage control, says it wasn't that good and was mostly just sex by the end. And the sex was no good. She was no good. Ted's great in the sack. Sorta. Awkward! Robin asks if she can buy those handbags online. Blah Blah storms off, thinking that Ted is just using her to make Robin jealous and that Ted probably won't even remember her name. Ted follows her to the bar. Barney decides to check in with the Hot/Crazy Scale. Barney starts her off on the hot side, but moves her sideways as she's gotten crazier, but not appreciably hotter. She crosses the line and moves toward the "Shelly Gillespie Zone," named for a girl who gained 20 pounds and tried to kill him with a brick.
Ted apologizes to Blah Blah, who thinks Robin is trying to undermine her. Cut to Robin, who's clearly not plotting anything. Blah Blah says she wishes they had something romantic to share like Lily and Marshall. Ted hints that their story's not exactly what was told earlier. He doesn't want to say why because it's a secret. Blah Blah whispers something really dirty to Ted that he might get to do to her later. The Hot/Crazy Scale returns and Blah Blah's dot shoots straight up in the hot direction, all the way off the chart. Ted quickly tells the story of a party that happened the night before Lily and Marshall met.
Side-whoosh. 1996. Ted, bushy-haired and wearing glasses, eyes Lily. She makes a flirty face at him. Ted doesn't use the word "freshmen." Sexist. She's in Hewitt 220. He's in Hewitt 110. He tells her she should drop by. She says maybe she will. We see Marshall, being held upside down and chugging from a keg nozzle. Everyone applauds. Ted takes Lily's bear and offers her a glass of fine pinot noir. Lily says it's fruity. He cut it with cranberry juice because it was too strong. Lily asks if Ted has a girlfriend. He has a long-distance one. He quotes Descartes to justify playing the field. Lily, turned-on, kisses him. They mack down right in the middle of the room. Side-whoosh to the present. Ted explains that the morning, Lily still remembered room 110 and came to look for him. She was looking for Ted. Ted says that he and Lily have never spoken of it. Blah Blah says he has to tell Marshall. She says if Ted doesn't, she will. He thinks she's joking. She gives Ted the crazy-eyes. "Oh no!" he says.
Blah Blah sits down and asks Lily immediately how she and Ted met. She asks for "The real story." Lily, nonplussed, says it was a long time ago.
Dorm room. Ted is on the phone with his long-distance girlfriend, crying and blubbering about Descartes and confessing his make-out session from the night before. Marshall and Lily come into the room. Ted tells the girlfriend that he loves her. Turns out he's just leaving a message. He says he's going to the computer lab to send her an "electronic mail." Hee. Marshall introduces Lily. "No! I'm sorry, but I love Karen!" Ted says as he storms out of the room.
Side-whoosh. MacLaren's. Ted says that's the unabridged story of how they met. Blah Blah insists Ted tell the real story. Ted pulls Lily aside and says Blah Blah knows the real story. Lily doesn't get what he's driving at. Ted says, "Come on" many times. Blah Blah says she and Ted made out. Lily insists that never happened. She kissed one other guy in college and it was a random dude she doesn't remember. "Too Much Tongue Guy." Ted, offended, says he's not surprised to hear that from, "Unreasonably Small Mouth Opening Girl." Lily says, "No" a bunch of times until she starts to believe it.
Back at the booth, Barney is trying to regale Robin with the story of how he met Marshall. She's heard it before. Flashback. Barney is trying to make Marshall feel bad for having only slept with one woman. He vows to introduce Marshall to a new woman and to make all his decisions for him. Marshall doesn't even know this guy yet. Barney wants to be Yoda. But instead of being green and little, he wears a suit and is awesome. He's "Bro-Da." Barney wants Marshall to use The Force. Ted thinks using force with a girl is bad. Barney says, "No The Force." Ah, Star Wars jokes. Barney points out the hot chick that just walked in. It's Lily with bright red hair and a tight red top. Barney asks how much hotter she is than Marshall's girlfriend. Marshall plays along. Marshall goes to talk to her and says that he's been with the same woman for too long and now he needs some "strange." Barney gives Marshall a pep talk, not really believing he'll score. Marshall pretends and goes to talk to Lily. They kiss immediately. Barney is in awe. "That man is a god!" he says. Back in the present, Marshall says that Barney followed him around for a week after that hoping to absorb his lessons.
Lily comes back to the booth and wants to talk to Marshall in private. Before she can, Blah Blah tells everyone that Lily and Ted made out in college. Marshall has heard both stories separately from Lily and Ted, but didn't know it was the two of them. Marshall doesn't believe it. He was at the party and thinks Ted's make-out girl was someone named Alexa. The guy Lily made out with was named Colin. Lily asks if he's sure. If not, Marshall says, he peed in the wrong guy's shampoo. Ew! Blah Blah asks Ted what's up with that. Ted watches Lily and Marshall kiss and decides to go along with the revised history. He says he must have made a mistake. "Another girl, Ted? Who haven't you made out with!" Blah Blah explodes. She's mad about a freshman-year make-out session? She says she makes handbags, she's writing a memoir and this is totally her year. She doesn't need this. She yells that someday the name "Blah Blah" will be up in lights. She tells Ted not to even think about chatting with her on World of Warcraft anymore. Ha! She leaves. Ted dodges her handbag. "World of Warcraft? The online role-playing game?" Barney asks. That's how they met. We flash to animation from the game. A heavily armored...what is that, a night elf? I haven't played this in a while, but the fantasy dude tells a girl in a bikini, "We should grab some coffee sometime..." in a word balloon. "Yes we should," the girl says. "What's your name?" the big monster asks. "Ted," the girl in the bikini says, "what's yours?" Nice one. Ted insists it's a cool game.
SagetTed explains that of course Blah Blah didn't turn out to be their mother. Thank goodness. SagetTed says he was sure he made out with Lily, but that their story was worth preserving. He kept his mouth shut...until...their 20th college reunion. Ted, wearing a suit and looking quite a lot older with neatly combed hair, runs into Alexa. She reminds him of the last time they were there. She says, "Come on." We flash to Ted making out with her and Lily making out with Colin. Then back to the reunion. "That was you?" FutureTed asks. He rushes over to Lily and says, "We never made out!" OldLily and OldMarshall are there. Lily says she knows. Ted says he's not Too Much Tongue Guy. "Actually..." Alexa tells him. Wonk wonk wonk!
Epilogue. Balding OldMarshall sits down with FutureTed and OldLily and says he confiscated something from some kids. He pulls out a baggie with a hoagie in it. "That is a fat sandwich!" Ted says. We cut to the three of them on the floor eating the sandwich. Lily takes a bite as Ted and Marshall go, "Chew, chew, chew, swallow!" They all giggle. She says sandwiches are strong these days. FutureTed says he used to be able to eat a whole sandwich by himself. Marshall asks if they can grow sandwiches behind their garage. "Where's my wife?" Ted asks and cracks himself up. Good episode!