SagetTed tells us that he was working from home on a quiet November day in "the year 2007." We see bushy-haired Ted as the small desk where a pretty sweet and large Apple monitor sits, along with one very phallic SoundStick speaker. SagetTed says he was working from home to avoid distractions. Just then, Marshall and Barney both enter the room, each of them wearing suits. Marshall was in his bedroom, Barney comes in through the apartment front door carrying a little brown paper bag. Both are chatterboxing away about bit news they've got. Barney says his thing's pretty huge (that's what...uh...he said!), so Marshall can go first. Marshall starts to talk, but Barney cuts him off with, "I found a porno starring Ted Mosby!" That is huge! Barney pulls a DVD out of the paper sack and says it's called Welcome To The Sex Plane. The guy who plays the navigator is named Ted Mosby. This almost happened to Robin, sorta. Yay for plot recycling! Ted is impressed that the guy spells his name the same. Marshall calls it a cheap coincidence and shares his own news: he just got off the phone with...Ted cuts him off by saying this totally explains what happened at the doctor the other day. Side-whoosh to Ted's doctor examining him with a tongue depressor. He says Ted's probably used to telling people to say "ahhh" than hearing it. "Ted Mosby," the doctor adds with a chuckle. Ew! Side-whoosh back to Ted asking who this guy is and why his doctor's watching porn. For an anatomy brush-up? Barney grabs the box and goes to put the disc in the DVD player so they can meet Ted's Doppleganger. "DoppleBANGER!" Ted adds helpfully. Marshall is trying to get his news in, but Ted is talking about another Ted Mosby who was a confederate general in the Civil War. Barney says it's probably not the same guy. Marshall finally blurts out that he got the job at the NRDC. Ted hugs him. Cut to some pretty nature shots as SagetTed deciphers the acronym: Natural Resources Defense Council, the environmental group. Marshall's dream job. Marshall notes that it's weird to hug while a porn is on. They disengage. Barney says, "Heyyyy-o!" New guy's entering the cockpit. They wonder if it's Ted. Not very interesting discussion of how many stripes they have on their uniforms. Navigators: 3. Captains: 4. And now you know. Barney says pornos aren't really big on accuracy. The directors of this film were "Dirt and Skank, The Raunch Brothers."
Lily and Robin enter at exactly the wrong moment. Marshall tells Lily he has exciting news. Watching the porno, she says she hopes it's not that he won some sort of race. Wow! Quite randy for this early prime time hour! CBS, you filthy whore! Marshall tells her he got the job. Hugs for Marshall. Barney can't stop talking about the porno he found. They settle in to watch. Smiling, Robin says, "Is that him, 'cuz that Ted Mosby really knows what he's doing!" Ouch! Ted is hurt. Robin tries to change the inflection. That doesn't help, so she congratulates Marshall again. Lily asks Marshall if he's still going to do his other interview. SagetTed explains, over scary shots of an imposing corporate building, that Marshall was supposed to interview with a firm called Nicholson, Hewitt and West. They represent evil people, all the folks he'd be suing at the NRDC. Marshall wants to cancel. Lily says Marshall's dad went to a lot of trouble to set up the interview. "You can't just pull out at the last second!" Lily says. Robin, referring to the porno, says that apparently you can. Wonk, wonk, wonk. Let's hear it for the cheap jokes. They can't all be slap bets. Marshall IDs the navigator by his three stripes. It's Ted Mosby, porn star! Everybody claps then is taken aback by something revealed. Robin says she knows what kind of plane this is: "It's a boooiiing!" No fair giving Robin all the dirty lines. Barney says this is way better than Marshall's internship. Marshall insists it's a real job. Barney doesn't believe it. Ted wants to know who this guy is and whether they're related. He asks if they look alike. He's asked to make a porn face. There does seem to be a resemblance, apparently.
Ba ba pa pa! (Etcetera...)
MacLaren's. Ted, Barney, Robin, and Lily are at the booth. Wendy the waitress gives Ted a bottled water in case "Ted Mosby" gets dehydrated. Ted goes, "Ha ha" and says that now they know she watches porn. Ted wonders if Porno Ted is getting famous. Barney, surfing on his iPhone, has discovered that Porno Ted has been in the business for three months and has been in 125 movies. He's a hard worker. Get it? Because he's hard! Ha! I'm so clever! Yes... talking about his penis! It's erect! Let's move on... Robin asks if this guy is Jude Law. Painful explanation of why that joke would have worked two years ago when Jude Law was in a lot of movies. Ted finally shushes Robin to let it go. Barney finds an interview that Porno Ted did with Adult Video Weekly. Ted says, "Oh God!" Side-whoosh to his memory of a phone call he got at the apartment. Someone from "AVW" wanted to interview him. Ted holds the phone and tells Lily and Marshall it's someone from Architecture Vision Weekly. Interestingly, the week they featured the Sears Tower, it looked very similar to that week's cover of Adult Video Weekly. Ted tells the guy on the phone that he's been reading the magazine since he was a little kid. "Whoah, that's a bummer," the interviewer says. He asks about Ted's latest "project." Ted says he'll be working with at least three partners. "Group scene. Always fun," the interviewer says. Ted says they're gonna ride him pretty hard, but they're great guys. "Guys? Whoah. There's a scoop!" the interviewer says. The jokes just write themselves! Side-whoosh back to MacLaren's where Ted says grimly, "That interview went on for another 20 minutes." Lily reads a quote about Ted being exhausted, bent over a table. Big laughs.
Marshall shows up. When relaying his interview, he says he planned to give this old Jefferson Coatsworth bastard a piece of his mind since he wasn't taking the job anyway. Side-whoosh to an expensive-looking office. John Cho of Harold & Kumar fame is Jeff Coatsworth. Man, that guy's everywhere! And he's wearing a casual and very comfy looking long-sleeved T-shirt. He looks young! Dude, he is so psyched that Marshall is here. "Can I beer ya?" he asks. SagetTed says the guy seemed really nice. Of course, he wasn't. "Three years later," we see Jeff Coatsworth being hauled out of the front doors of a courthouse, led out in cuffs, telling reporters they can go to Hell. "I'd do it all again!" he yells. Then, hilariously, "I'm innocent!" Side-whoosh back to the beer-fueled interview. Marshall is about to turn the job down. Jeff stops him and sits up on his own desk, telling Marshall that he doesn't want to work here. He knows about Marshall's job with the NRDC. He says it's awesome and that he wishes he could have gone the non-profit route. He looks into a convenient small mirror on the wall and says, "I hate myself."
MacLaren's. Barney says this guy is good. He calls it a classic seduction technique and ties it to how he picks up a lady. He gives her a drink, which is something she wants. Then, he pretends to care about whatever she does; like Marshall and the environment. Now they share an interest. And then...the sex. Marshall doesn't think he's being seduced. He wasn't offered the job. Barney says that'll happen at dinner. He correctly assumes that Marshall was invited to dinner. Side-whoosh to a dinner invitation from Jeff. Jeff offered to take Marshall out and bill it to one of his evil clients. Jeff asks if Marshall knows about Kobe beef. Marshall drools. It's the most expensive beef in the world. Jeff tempts Marshall with Kobe lobster, lobsters that have been fed Kobe beef. Ha. That's diabolically delicious! Back at MacLaren's: Marshall says, "Oh my God, he's trying to seduce me!" Marshall decides not to go. He's not that kind of boy. Lily encourages him to go and get a great meal out of the deal. Barney tells her not to wait up. Looking on Barney's iPhone, Robin sees that Porno Ted has the same hometown as Ted: Shaker Heights, Ohio. Ted wants to find this guy. Coincidentally, he'll be in town signing autographs at the Adult Video Expo. Lily asks, a bit naively, if they have actual conventions for porn. Do they! Barney blesses America.
Marshall's date. He can really taste the beef in that lobster. Hee hee. Jeff, wearing a casual sweater, pours some wine and says he has to give Marshall the spiel, just to get it out of the way. He pulls out a paper with a starting salary offer. Marshall knows it's a big number. He looks. "Wow. That is a big number!" Jeff says there's also a starting bonus, a company car and an expense account, but plays it off casually like it's nothing Marshall would care about. Jeff tells Marshall to turn around and wave to Patrick Swayze. Marshall looks. He waves casually. He tries to remain cool. "Patrick Swayze!" Jeff toasts, "Crazy Swayze." Marshall shakes it off and tries to refuse the offer. Jeff smoothly says Marshall should take the NRDC job and live off family money. Marshall only has an uncle with a bait shop. Jeff winces. He says that's fine as long as Marshall's not having kids. Marshall wants four kids. Jeff alludes to scary public schools.
Scary music plays. SagetTed explains that when he's got a problem, he likes to pull out the old Pros and Cons list. We see a hand writing on a yellow legal pad. Pros: Money, Scurity, Swayze. Cons: Evil. SagetTed says there was one thing in the Pros column Marshall didn't know about. Cut to Lily and Robin admiring some clothes she bought. Robin asks how she can afford all this stuff on a kindergarten teacher's salary. Lily lies: she shops the sales. They were in the closet when she moved in. She steals. She once shot a man just to watch him die. She finally confesses. She's got a shoebox full of credit cards. Lily doesn't even know how much she owes. Wow. Sucks to be Lily. Even with the being married to Marshall part, which absolutely rocks.
The porno convention. Ted, standing with Barney, spots a guy from his human resources department. He waves awkwardly. He just wants to find Bizarro Ted and get out. Barney gives a speech about how porno will be appreciated by future generations like Shakespeare. Someday school kids will perform Beef Party VII.
Lily and Robin at the apartment. Lily says she got into debt by shopping whenever she feels down. We see her at a store buying successive pairs of boots after a fight with her mother, her lack of painting and her credit card bill. Lily says Marshall doesn't know. Robin can't believe it. She says Lily even texts Marshall when he's on the can. "I just want him to know I'm rooting for him!" she says. Robin replays all the positive things Lily said about Marshall going on this job interview and encouraging him to go on the dinner date. Robin thinks Lily is pushing Marshall into taking that job. Robin thinks Marshall has to take the job to pay off this debt. She thinks Lily has to tell him. Lily wants to go shopping now.
At the convention. Ted spots Porno Ted at a table. "Hi Ted Mosby! I'm Ted Mosby!" Porno Ted shakes his hand. Barney, nervous, introduces himself as "Starney Binson." Porno Ted says his real name is Steve and that in 4th grade, when Ted was in 9th, he was getting beaten up. Ted pulled the kids off him and told them to pick on someone their own size. Porno Ted vowed to honor Ted someday. Ted asks if honoring him meant using his name for Welcome To The Sex Truck. Ted, not impressed, asks him not to use his name anymore because he's trying to make a name as an architect. "You mean like a sex architect?" Porno Ted asks. Barney likes that idea: "Ted Mosby, Sex Architect!" Porno Ted was just looking for a new project for Friday afternoon. Ted asks if there's some other way he could be honored. Porno Ted's dad told him to just plant a tree in Israel. Ted, not wanting to hurt the guy's feelings, says he's not the one who saved him in school. He says it was a guy named Lance Hardwood. Porno Ted says that might work for his line of work. Porno Ted can already see the poster: "Lance Hardwood, Sex Architect...starring Ted Mosby!" Barney loves it.
SagetTed says that Marshall stayed to late on his date with Jeff and had so much to drink, that he had to sleep on Jeff's couch. The morning, he took part in a Sunday morning tradition "as old as the city itself." Marshall, disheveled, walks home as women in little black dresses pass, all holding their high-heeled shoes in hand. We cut to Marshall, at dinner, saying, "I'll take the job!" Jeff goes, "That's awesome!" On the walk of shame, Jeff calls out to Marshall that he'll call him. A girl with ratty hair says bitterly, "He's not gonna call you."
The apartment. Marshall gets home. Lily is gonna confess. So is Marshall. Before Lily can spit it out, Marshall says he took the job. He apologizes. He says he was drunk and that there were cigars and scotch and Swayze. Also, a lot of money was offered. He shows her the check. Cut to Lily lying down in a sea of expensive boots going, "Wheeee!" Boots keep dropping, though none actually hit her. Feel free to hate Lily after this one. Marshall thinks it's disgusting that he sold out for gross, disgusting money...that could help their future money and pay for law school. But he's guilty about the environment...but it's a lot of money! Marshall finally screams.
At MacLaren's, he's still screaming. Ted is about to suggest the Pros and Cons list, but Marshall threatens him not to. Wendy the waitress brings a legal pad, and Ted pretends it was a mistake. Marshall frets. Barney thinks he should take the money. At the bar, Robin thinks Lily needs to tell Marshall, who is moaning at the booth. She goes to tell him about her debt. She looks at everyone else. She tells Marshall to take the NRDC job. Marshall hugs her and thinks she's right. "I'm going to save the Planet Earth!" he says. He goes to call Jeff. After he leaves, Lily tells Robin that she can't let Marshall be miserable for a mistake she made. Robin notices she's wearing new earrings. "What are you, my mom?" Lily asks.
Marshall is making the phone call. He feels weird doing this over the phone. "So don't," Jeff says. He's pulling up in a limo. Evil music plays. He wants to take Marshall to Tuckahoe Funland. Marshall asks if it's the "magical factory where dreams are made." It's an amusement park. Marshall and Jeff are riding a Ferris wheel. Marshall loves this place. He's eating a corndog. He tells Jeff he can't work for him. Jeff knows. He says he gets it. Marshall says that people fought to preserve this place. Jeff says that'll never happen. He tells Marshall that if he came to work for the firm, he'd only have to represent Tuckahoe Funland. Cut to MacLaren's: Marshall says he's taking the job. He says he's representing the least evil place in the world! Yay!
SagetTed: "Or so Marshall thought..." Cut to newspaper headlines: "Funland safety scandal!" "3 Die At Funland." And "E.Coli Outbreak Traced to Funland Corndogs." Marshall suddenly gets up from the booth to go to the bathroom. He's holding his stomach. Lily says she'd better check on him. She texts, "Good luck in there baby. I believe in you."
Apartment. Barney has brought the DVD of Lance Hardwood, Sex Architect, starring Ted Mosby. He pops it in. Barney says he's in the credits for location scouting. Porno Ted is sitting at Ted's desk. A blonde is on top of the desk. He's gonna show her the plans for the International Sex Building. Ted says it really looks like their apartment. Barney says it is. He returns some keys to Ted. The blonde wants to celebrate with Porno Ted on the couch. Everybody gets up from the real couch, going "Ewwww!" You were expecting another Shakespeare reference?