New York City at night. SagetTed tells us in voiceover that it was Saturday night in the big city and the young metropolitan set (there were two of them?) were living the kind of crazy lifestyle you could only have here. Shots of club-goers and limos juxtapose humorously with what we'll see : in the apartment, Robin is tossing peanuts (I sure hope they're just peanuts) into the air and Marshall is catching them with his mouth. The whole gang is here and they count to a mighty 100. Lily, depositing beers on the coffee table, says they only got to 82 on their honeymoon. Are we still talking about peanuts? And, sidebar: why did Marshall stop? Let's break 200, baby! Lily, in plain view of Ted, says she's got the perfect guy for Robin. Lily says the guy is smart and funny and cute. Ted asks about the "but." As in, the huge flaw people mention later after telling you about someone's good qualities.
Side whoosh to a montage of "but" moments. Barney tells Ted at MacLaren's about a totally hot girl. In voiceover, Barney tells himself that the girl has a dead tooth. Flash to Marshall setting Ted up with another hot girl who, in Marshall's head, is revealed to push a pug around in a stroller. Flash to Lily telling Ted about a girl who is also awesome. Except for that her last boyfriend had to get a restraining order and somehow lost his cat and vacuum cleaner under mysterious circumstances. We side-whoosh back to Ted in the recliner saying bitterly, "I'm still convinced she killed my turtle." Anywayz...Robin insists that not all set-ups are that bad. She reminds the group about a girl named Jamie that Ted was hooked up with. Barney says her huge "but" was that she had a huge butt. Har har. "Nailed it!" Barney says. He receives approval dap from Ted. The guy Lily wants to set Robin up with does have a "but": he has a kid. Everyone groans. Oh no! I fall into this camp now! I have a cute little infant "but!" Ted says that Robin won't date someone with kids. You know, these characters are in their 20s, but once you're about 35, they're gonna really have to drop that. By 35, you don't ask, "Do they have kids?" You ask, "Their kids haven't killed anyone, have they?" Lily says the guy is great and his kid is sweet; it's one of her students. Ted says Robin hates kids. She insists she doesn't. Ted reminds Robin that she told him she didn't even like kids when she was a child herself.
Side whoosh. A little girl, presumably Robin's sister, is asking elementary school Robin to watch cartoons with her. Robin, sitting at a little table, says that she goes to school all week and she just wants to sit down and read Highlights and drink her juice. Side-whoosh back to Robin saying she likes kids. She also says she likes cars, but that doesn't mean she wants to push a Ferrari through her vagina. Wow. Powerful image there, Scherbatsky. "Shotgun," Barney announces. Marshall laughs. The laugh track, not so much. Marshall says that if they were friends with Garfield, they wouldn't try to set him up with Mondays. Lily laughs and the laugh track is very ambivalent. I don't think the laugh track is really digging this episode so far. Robin decides she wants to meet this guy and that the kid doesn't matter. Robin asks what her "but" is. In voice-over they all offer their opinion. Ted: Robin's afraid of commitment. Lily: She's a gun nut. Barney: She's Canadian. Marshall: She doesn't like Field of Dreams. Out loud, they all insist she doesn't have a "but."
Ba ba pa pa!
MacLaren's. Barney has a brand-new scheme. Wanna guess what it is? Too late! Eye patches. Wrap your head around that. Or, er, wrap the eye patch around your head. Barney puts one on and hands the other to Ted. He says it's the ultimate ice breaker. Long story about how they're joggers in Central Park who rescued a baby from escaped snakes. Ted asks why they have eye patches. Barney says they got bit. Both of them. In the eye. "Patch up!" Barney demands. Ted won't.
Robin's date with George. They're walking down the street. Immediate cut to Robin at the apartment telling Lily that George is great. "But..." Robin accidentally said on her date that she can't wait to meet the kid. She doesn't know why she said that. Lily, dressed like she wants to be a genie in a bottle, doesn't think this is so bad. Robin asks why the kid is even hanging around and not living with his mother. She asks what kind of lawyer wins the kid for the father. A good one, Lily tells her. Robin realizes that getting the kid is winning.
MacLaren's. Ted is telling Barney that people with real "Game" don't need eye patches. Barney takes off the eye patch and tells "Theodore" that you can't spell "Game" without "me." Ted says he's practically Cornish game hen. Barney is the state gaming commissioner. Ted is that Michael Douglas movie The Game. Barney is impressed. No mention of the rapper The Game. I'm sure he's very disappointed about that. Marshall shows up. He's surprised to see Ted because he thinks he just made an inappropriate homoerotic comment to a person in bathroom stall 2. He thought it was Ted, who has similar shoes. They ask Marshall which of them has more game. Marshall thinks he has the most because he's married. He says that marriage is winning the game of dating. Ted says only if you're playing for the women's league. Marshall thinks he has "mad game." Brah. Barney lectures him about not using the word "brah" anymore since that one week when they used it and agreed never to do it again. I think that might have been in 1999. Spin Doctors reference is made as to how old Marshall's game must be after being with Lily for 11 years. That has to hurt. Marshall argues that he's not irrelevant. He wants to contribute. Barney thinks he wins The Game based on sheer numbers. He says that Ted has seen his list. The list scares Ted. Ted thinks Game is about quality, not quantity. Marshall tries to throw in an, "Are you a model?" pick-up line, but the other two ignore him. Barney challenges Ted to an elaborate picking-up-girls Olympiad. Ted changes it to picking a girl and seeing who can pick her up first. Sold! They see a hot blonde at the bar. Hey, I know that one! She's Janet Varney, a hilarious lady who is one of the founders of the San Francisco Sketch Comedy Festival. We love Janet! Yay, Janet! Ted and Barney shake. If one of them actually scores with Janet, they must have game because she's one cool lady. Barney hands Ted a pen to write down some ground rules. Ted makes Rule #1 no eye patches or props. Barney has already left the booth and is over at the bar talking to Janet. Marshall tries to tell Ted about how his model line worked once and got him some over-the-shirt boobie action. Ted tells him to stop because it's just sad. Janet slaps Barney hard across the face. He goes flailing away. Ted decides Rule #2 should be that the bet is for $1 million. Barney says he wins. He slept with her a year ago. He says he forgot. Ted says it doesn't count. Barney says he can't sleep with her again; she hates him. Ted thinks he's got all the time in the world now. Except that she's leaving. Ted gives chase. The guy from the bathroom stall comes over to Marshall and hands him a phone number. Marshall does have game! Hilarity! He pockets the number.
George's apartment. This date of Robin's is really trying to rock the Brad Pitt look, circa 12 Monkeys. ["He's actually played by Brad Rowe, who was kind of the go-to dime-store Brad Pitt for a few years back in the late '90s, available for gay comedies, crappy TV movies, and, I think, bar mitzvahs." -- Joe R] Robin tells him she likes kids, especially the little pudgy ones without teeth; you know, babies. Robin knows nothing about kids. She reveals she hates them. Or rather that she doesn't get them. George pretends that's not an issue at all. He says he's not looking for a mother for his kid, Doug, which will pay off later. They agree to take things slow. SagetTed tells his kids that on a different day that was definitely not the morning (we see Robin in George's bed on what was probably the morning), Robin faced her biggest fear. As Robin sits at a table reading the newspaper, George's kid walks in. Hey, it's the kid who tormented Marshall in Lily's classroom in the "Monday Night Football" episode! He hasn't aged much. Robin calls Lily to tell her that "it" is here and it's looking at her. Lily assures Robin that she can do this. The kid immediately lays into Robin for having a bird's name. Robin tries to read her paper. The kid tries to talk to her in Morse code. He beeps at Robin as he comes closer. Robin wants to kill him. He asks her to make him cereal. Cut to Robin and the kid arguing about whether you pour the cereal or the milk first. Count me in the cereal-first camp, although sometimes I will forego milk entirely to avoid arguments like this. Cut to a fascinating discussion between Robin and the kid about the newspaper business section. She calls the Fed a bunch of idiots. The kid says Lily taught him not to call others names. On this show, people are constantly calling each other names. The kid decides Robin is pretty cool because she can be an asshole.
SagetTed narrates that he began to date Stacy (our pal Janet). We see them watching TV, cooking, and buying flowers together. Apparently, Ted really likes her. Inside MacLaren's, Ted is talking to her on his cell and telling her to have fun at yoga. Ted is pleased that she's strengthening her core. He gives her an "After a while crocodile." After he's off the phone, he shows Barney his game face. Ted is actually excited that she plays bass in a reggae band. Barney mimes the beat of every single reggae song ever. Marshall shows up. He's been crunching numbers of how many times he and Lily have had sex. Apparently they had sex 17 times on their honeymoon. Was that online? The number is 1,053 and a half times. The half was when they were interrupted by a phone call from his mom. Marshall thinks he wins on numbers and quality. "Lawyered," he declares. Barney says it doesn't count. Ted thinks it counts. As one. He asks Marshall how it was having sex once. Marshall says desperately that he still matters. Not in this episode, unfortunately.
Barney tries to get into Ted's head by telling him that Stacy is a wonderful girl; he says he should know. Barney points out that they're sharing a woman and that there've only been about 200 showers since he was with her. Hasn't it been a year? That seems a little on the low side, even for someone in a reggae band. Ted says he doesn't mind. Marshall compares Stacy to Mount Everest and its supple peak. He says Ted will be kissing what he's already kissed, nuzzling what he's already nuzzled and making blubber noises where he's already made them. Ted says he's not afraid of Barney's cooties. Barney offers a sip of his gin and tonic. Ted won't drink it. Barney says he only stirred that with his pinky. Er, gross. Y'all, he's talking about his wang!
Apartment. Robin enters, announcing to Lily that kids love her. She tells Lily that she and George's kid are getting along. But now they have to break up because it's getting too serious with the kid. Lily shows Robin a picture that the kid drew in class. It says, "My New Mommy." D'oh! Robin insists it's not her; the woman in the drawing has hoop earrings. Lily insists it's Robin. She thinks Robin is just looking for a reason to bail. Robin wants to ask the rest of the group.
MacLaren's. Everyone else thinks "My New Mommy" is Robin. Marshall asks if she's going to start wearing those awesome jeans that go up to her boobs. Mom Pants! Lily says that Robin will have to break up with the kid, too.
Stacy's apartment. She and Ted are about to kiss. We zoom in on Stacy's mouth and we see a tiny little Barney in explorer shorts planting a flag on her lower lip. He tells Ted, in a little helium voice, that he was there first. This must have been incredibly uncomfortable to shoot. ("We're just gonna focus on your lips for a really long time. In high-definition.") Ted looks at her in horror. He tries to kiss her neck, but Li'l Explorer Barney is there, too. He tells Ted he sent an expedition down to her two ridges below. Another Explorer Barney pops out from her cleavage. He laughs maniacally. Ted gapes in horror as an army of Li'l Barneys are all over her body. She asks if something's wrong. Ted can't do it.
George's apartment. The kid answers the door, which seems incredibly dangerous. His dad's in the shower. Robin tells him she came to see him. He reads a poem for his "New Mommy." It says she's pretty and nice and smells like daisies. Robin grumbles that it doesn't rhyme. She tries to let the kid down easy. SagetTed says that because the kid is so young, Robin was free to throw him every cliché in the breakup book. So she does. It's not you, it's me; we'll still be friends, etc., etc... There's a knock at the door. It's another attractive woman. She thinks Robin is the babysitter. And she's wearing hoop earrings. Is that Wendy from Andy Richter Controls the Universe? She goes to see George, presumably in the shower. Robin turns on the kid and asks what's up with his new mommy. She asks how many dates this woman has been on with George. Two. Robin's been on five. She's hurt and upset. The kid says, "We just really connected." The kid calls her Roberta. "Robin! My name is Robin!" she says. Robin gets dumped. The kid thinks she's great, but... "Yeah. There's always a 'but,' " Robin says.
MacLaren's. Ted tells Barney that he broke up with Stacy. He couldn't get Barney out of his head, like a Chumbawamba song. Marshall asks which Chumbawamba song. Ted and Barney just look at him. Barney says he's going to win. He explains his evil plan. We flash back. When he first went up to Stacy at the bar, he talked up Ted as a nice guy who was interested in her and asked her to slap him just to show Ted she's not into guys like him. "You are so sweet!" she says and slaps Barney. Barney explains that no matter what Ted does after that, he'll be even nicer in her eyes. "You never slept with her?" Ted asks. "Not even...at all," Barney says. Evil! Right after Ted's yoga phone conversation, Barney went and dressed up in yoga gear and carried a yoga mat, then pretended to run into her on the street. He referenced a reggae concert and said he was a huge fan; he even threw in a "See ya later, alligator." Slick! We see Barney throwing away the yoga mat he was carrying. Ted's a little upset because it belonged to him. Barney is about to go meet Stacy. He gives us the French for, "Cuz I got game, bitches!" Barney answers his phone. It's Stacy. She's telling him about the breakup. Ted says he should have just worn the eye patch.
Apartment. Robin's eating ice cream. She thinks the boy is a little stupidhead. She insists she's done with kids. SagetTed tells his own kids that they know the real story. She turned out to be a really good aunt appearing in very important art. We see children's drawings showing, "Us and Aunt Robin." No uncle anywhere.
Postscript. One month later. Barney is sitting in Stacy's apartment as she plays the bass guitar. He fake-claps. Stacy appreciates Barney being willing to take it slow. She doesn't want things to get too physical too fast after Ted. Barney is in Hell. Her concert the day is sometime from 11 to 6 and she wants him to get there at 9 just to be safe. She also tells him it'll be muddy. Barney lies back, tortured. A reggae beat plays as a tiny Ted dances on Stacy's shoulder. Barney cries.