The Year 2030. SagetTed's kids are on the couch, looking a little less engaged than usual. He tells them that he knows they think they've heard all the stories from before he met their mother. Oh, you poor children. There's at least two or three seasons to go before we get there. Strap in, young ones. He says there are some stories you tell, and some stories you don't tell. Here's one he probably didn't.
We see 2007 Ted in the bathroom at MacLaren's. He's on the phone and freaking out. "Oh my God," he says, out of breath. Barney, upstairs in the apartment and on the other end of the phone conversation, advises Ted to use his words. Ted says he's about to go for the belt. Did someone misbehave? "The belt," Ted confirms to an incredulous Barney. Barney says Ted was just upstairs less than a half hour ago. Marshall, holding a jug of Gatorade, walks up to Barney.
Title card: "less than half an hour ago." Barney and Ted are playing Wii Tennis about six months too late. Or it's some Wii tennis game. Something that has Wimbledon in it. Barney makes a high pitched grunt as he swings. Marshall is a little more guttural with his swing. Marshall wins a point. Barney tells him not to get cocky. What, no joke there? Barney tells him that Wimbledon lasts a whole fortnight. Marshall likes British words. He also likes that British lawyers get to wear wigs to work. Ted, suited up, is ready to go somewhere. Barney and Marshall beg off because they're playing their tennis game. Barney complains that Ted took too long. Ted says he has that just-rolled-out-of bed hair look. Marshall says that look takes Ted an hour and a half of waxing, tugging and teasing. Barney adds that Ted then starts with his hair. Ted offers to go downstairs and order three beers and meet them there in five minutes. They tell him to go.
Robin and Lily come out of the other bedroom. Robin, who didn't say bye to Ted, is wearing a pretty hot blue dress and some tall boots. Lily's dress is even tighter and shorter. She's got tall boots, too. Lily tells Robin about a crazy footwear frenzy sale. We cut to that scene and, indeed, women are losing their shit over shoes. This is how I was the day the Wii came out. Lily is tugging on a boot, yelling, "Ehhh, I saw it first!" She falls. Lily yells at the lady she was fighting with, "You just made the list, bitch!" We cut back to the apartment. Barney asks what would happen if a guy walked into a store like that wearing a suit of boots. Lily compliments Robin's boots. She asks if they aren't a little high for that dress. Robin says it's to hide her unshaven legs. She's instituting a no-shaving-for-three-dates policy. She says it's about self control. Barney says it doesn't matter; a guy wants to get to the green and he doesn't mind going through the rough. So true. Marshall scores a point with a mighty, "Shh-cracky!" Barney answers his phone. It's Ted, downstairs with the beers. Barney tells him they're not going to make it. Can't he just take the beers back upstairs? Ted asks if Marshall took his pants off. He did. Marshall says he needs the freedom and mobility that only underwear can provide. He bids Ted, "Cheerio."
Ted talks to his new friends, the three refreshing beers. As he does, Winnie from The Wonder Years walks up behind him. In case you didn't know, she was a one-night-stand of Ted's in the episode "The Pineapple Incident." And I believe SagetTed told his kids that he never saw her again after that. Guess he's a lying bastard of a father. "Ted? Trudy!" she tells him. Ted says he hasn't seen her since...we cut to "about two years ago" when they were making out. Ted is holding a pineapple in his hand as they make out against a door in his bedroom. Porno music is playing. Trudy reminds him that she climbed out the fire escape. Ted tells her that he was super wasted as he holds all three beers. We skip ahead a bit and Ted is telling Trudy that he was embarrassed to call her. Trudy says she was embarrassed too, from the climbing out the window. She says she forgot her underwear. Uh...wow! Ted jokes that he thought they felt a little different when he wore them. Ted keeps joking in that direction. Trudy says she's glad she ran into Ted. Who wouldn't be? Just as Ted is asking her out, a blonde woman comes up and recognizes Trudy. They hug and shriek and recognize each other as sorority sisters. They're from Kappa Epsilon Gamma. Everyone in the bar can hear about it. Ted jokes that they must have met in prison. The other girl, Rachel, says they were best friends when they weren't at each other's throats, competing. They sing an annoying song and go, "Woooo!" They wander off, catching up as Ted is left with his three beers. He asks them what they want to do. Rachel comes and tells Ted that they got a table; she invites Ted to join them. Ted was planning to leave. "I want you to stay!" she says. Ted changes, "I'm tired," to "I'm tired of people who fold early cuz I am WIDE AWAKE!" Nice save. Ted takes his three beers and tells them to be cool. Always.
Ba ba pa pa!
Apartment. More tennis action. "Ya-KAZOWEE!"Marshall yells. Barney accuses him of "Hanging crumpet" since the third set, distracting him. Marshall turns away from us and adjusts his undies. Barney gets a call from Ted. Covertly, Ted is telling Barney that he's got a bit of a situation. He reminds Barney about Trudy from "The Pineapple Incident." Ted says that he thinks both girls are into him. Ted asks which one he should go with. Barney says to go for the new girl; you should always opt for Dr. Strangelove. Lily comes up, asking what's happening and Barney explains the situation to her. She takes the phone. Lily asks if they're betas and says if they are, they're sluts and she never wanted to be in their sorority anyway. Lily has the worst lines in tonight's episode, followed closely by Robin. Ted says he thinks he might be able to score with one of the girls. Lily offers to go downstairs and scope out the situation for Ted. What a cool woman! Marshall says he thought they were in for the evening. Barney says he thought that was supposed to be true of Marshall's "bangers and mash." "I guess we're both wrong, guv'nah!" he says.
Downstairs, the two ladies are trying to make Ted settle an argument about whether it's wrong to date someone's ex boyfriend. It would be if you're Ted. The two ladies argue about which one is the man-thief. I think Trudy will win this argument by a chin. Ted says somebody should lock the two girls up and they giggle and tell him he's so funny. Whatevers. Trudy thinks he's funny. Rachel says he's hilarious. Right now, they're both wrong! Ted's phone rings. He whispers that he's never not wearing a suit again. It's Lily on the phone. Ted pretends it's his mother updating him on his dad's colon. She tells Ted that both girls are into him. She says they're playing with their hair, a classic green light.
We cut to Robin's date. She's playing with her hair. Her date is a good-looking blonde surgeon with a British accent. Score one for Robin. He's telling the story of separating conjoined twins, which to Robin is just so damned hot. She plays with her hair some more and says, "You're so funny!"
Lily tells Ted goodbye on the phone. He tells "Mom" goodbye. Lily answers a call from Robin; Robin needs a razor, stat! Robin says she's throwing out the rule because of Dr. Awesome. She says he's really cute and has a British accent. "I'm on my way," Lily says.
Ted asks the ladies at the table who won the boyfriend fight. They say neither of them did, which is too bad because there was one thing they wanted to do, but didn't. Ted, hellacurious, asks what it was. They're embarrassed, but agree to both say it at the same time. Dramatic build-up as both ladies run a hand on each of Ted's thighs.
Cut to an excited Ted calling Barney on the phone from the bathroom. "It's a tricycle!" Ted says. Barney can't believe it. Marshall gets on the phone. He can't believe it. Lily says that all sorority girls are sluts. Speakerphone. Barney asks if Ted thinks he can actually win the built. Ted has to explain that the first of them to actually have a threesome would win a championship belt. Marshall thinks it's a metaphor. We cut to a flashback with Barney unveiling an actual championship belt to Ted. It looks very expensive. I would expect nothing less. Barney wasn't kidding around. He also bought himself a gold crown for sleeping with a girl from Days of Our Lives. We cut back to the apartment. Marshall asks why he wasn't told about the belt. He says he could have competed. Everyone laughs at Marshall. Marshall says he could compete if Lily died first. Good luck with that. Lily says she'd just come back and haunt his penis.
Barney has to ask Ted questions as part of the bylaws of the competition. All participants' combined age has to be less than 83. Check. Aggregate weight has to be under 400 pounds. Check. Barney asks if Ted is paying these women. He's not. Ted excuses himself.
Back in the bar, the ladies are up and getting ready to leave. Rachel says it's pretty late. Trudy says they can go listen to that Wilco CD Ted had talked about before. Do people have threesomes to Wilco CDs? Really? I always imagined it had to be to the sounds of Enigma or really dirty rap music. Ted says he has that CD upstairs in his apartment. He says "Upstairs!" several times in his excitement. Rachel asks where they're supposed to go, teasing him. Ted's not as cute when he's over-excited. The girls start walking as Ted desperately uses his phone to send a text message.
Upstairs, Marshall is painting a picture of Lily dying and some hot nurses trying to heal him with tricycle action. He's still in his boxers. Lily tells Marshall that tonight he's riding the unicycle. "Fine. I already did this morning," he mumbles. Hee. Robin calls Lily and needs her razor now. She says she's had so much coffee that the hair is going to just vibrate itself off her legs. She also says her legs look like a Turkish lesbian's, which is kind of unnecessary. We get it. Robin asks her waitress if $20 will buy her a razor from the pharmacy across the street. The waitress will do it for $50. Robin pays up.
Barney gets a text from Ted: "We're combing up-sars." I think we would know if someone was combing up Sars. I would have gotten a memo or something. Marshall panics. Lily figures out that it's Ted coming upstairs. The three of them scramble. Outside the door, Ted drops his keys as the girls giggle. Inside, Lily, Marshall, and Barney scramble some more as Marshall tries to find his pants. Ted and the ladies enter. Trudy finds a photo of Marshall and Lily and asks about his roommates. Ted says they are definitely not here and that they have total privacy. "This is gonna be awesome!" Ted says as the girls park on the couch and laugh. Ted goes to his room to get his CD. He finds his three friends in the bedroom. "Noooo!" he whispers.
Ted tries to explain his predicament but Lily is way ahead of him. She high-fives him and congratulates him on his achievement. Marshall tries to score some dap, but Lily tells him not to be gross. Ted tells them to get out through the fire escape. Marshall says he saw a pigeon crap on it the other day and the whole thing shifted. That's too bad. Lily says Ted can use her bed. What an amazingly selfless person. Ted says he just needs the Wilco CD to seal the deal. Barney grabs it -- and snaps the CD in half. No! Everyone freaks out. Barney has a tantrum. He says the belt is his birthright. He says it would be like Jimmy Olsen capturing Lex Luthor while Clark sits in his bedroom, impotent. On Smallville, that's not so implausible. Marshall says that Barney has done way dirtier stuff. Barney says he's never ridden the tricycle. I find that hard to believe, especially since he once said he had a 10-way. I can't even imagine what that cycle looks like. Barney says it almost happened once and he was so close.
Side-whoosh to Barney sitting on the floor with two hot ladies. He spills a glass of red wine and one of the women freaks out about her brand new carpet. They tell Barney to get out. Back to Ted's room... Ted can't believe that Barney is going to trike-block him. He says it's petty. Tom Petty, even! Ted goes out to the living room to grab Lily when she goes to take a peek. He tells the ladies he's still looking for the CD. Lily recognizes Rachel from her shoe-sale fight. She was the "bitch" who was on her "list." Lily decides she can't give up her bedroom. Ted offers to throw in some spanking. He also offers to reimburse Lily full retail price for the boots. She gladly accepts. Well, that was pointless. Ted goes back out after adjusting his hair some more.
Robin is on a whole other sitcom, something like Suddenly Susan that I'd never watch. She asks the waitress why there's no shaving cream in the bag from the pharmacy. The waitress says she didn't ask for any. The waitress tells her to shave her legs before she leaves the house time. Sasquatch. Where's Robin's date this whole time? Robin goes to the bathroom, or tries to before her date says the valet has pulled the car around. He invites her to his place. Robin says she has to go to the bathroom. "I've got TB," she says, "tiny bladder." The doctor isn't very amused.
In the bathroom, Robin jams her boot up on the sink. There's no soap. She goes out and steals a little bowl of butter from a table. She goes back into the bathroom and slathers some on her leg. She slips and falls on her back. Hilarity! Can we go back to the show that I actually enjoy watching now?
Back on the other show... Ted emerges, saying he didn't find the CD. The ladies don't mind. As they get close, Ted's heart beats loudly. A hilarious image of the belt hovering over his head is superimposed on a close-up of Ted sweating. "It's getting late. I'll get your coats," he says. He retreats to the bedroom. This is just like Jerry Seinfeld not wanting to be an orgy guy because it involves buying lotions and growing an orgy moustache. In the bedroom, Lily can't believe what Ted is doing. He doesn't know what he's doing either. Marshall says Ted is ruining it for everyone. Barney sticks up for Ted. He reveals that what actually happened on his attempted threesome was that he spilled the wine on purpose. We flash back to it and Barney has the same heart pounding/sweating/belt moment. It's pretty funny. Barney tells Marshall that you get up in your head and that the logistics get to you. Barney tells Ted that he's got the best chance in the world; he doesn't want fear to take the belt and ride the tricycle. Barney says it's not his destiny to win the belt; it's his destiny to help Ted win the belt. He calls Ted their Neil Armstrong. "Space-suit up, Ted, because you're going to the moon." He proceeds to advise Ted.
The first fantasy scene is Ted going out in purple silk pajamas. Which he doesn't own. But Barney has some at home. Ted asks the camera why he has a remote-controlled fireplace. Barney says, back in the bedroom, that this should be him.
Second fantasy: Ted and the women are dancing in the living room. They're exhausted. Ted asks the camera why he would want to tire them out. Barney explains that it's pretext for physical contact #1: a foot rub. Fantasy Ted says it's because he used to practice on his grandmother. Barney says it's endearing.
Fantasy the third: While giving the foot rub, Fantasy Ted acts bummed about a volcano documentary he once saw. The volcano would wipe out all life on Earth. Fantasy Ted says he lives by three simple words: "Don't. Postpone. Joy." The girls love it. "Mortality angle," Real-Time Ted says, "that's actually pretty good." Ted, Lily, Marshall, and Barney hug from all the teamwork. Ted tells Marshall he'll see him on the other side. Ted walks out to the living room. The girls are gone, predictably. Not-so-predictably: they're in the other bedroom, giggling and waiting. We see Ted, smiling, open the door. The girls are laughing hysterically. Ted has a look of wonder on his face as music starts to play.
MacLaren's. Barney asks if he did it. They didn't hear anything in the apartment? Ted says it doesn't seem right to talk about it. Barney keeps trying to figure out if Ted did it or not. Ted won't answer. Obviously he did. "Some stories you tell. Some stories you don't," Ted tells him. Barney holds up the belt. He still can't get an answer out of Ted.
So...SagetTed did tell this story to his kids? Or not? It would be creepy if he did. It would be like me telling the story of how one night, me and this girl had so much crazy sex that we had to air out the room the morning. It would be nuts to mention that somewhere where my daughter might see it. Oh...shit.
Episode tag: Robin's restaurant. Her date asks the waitress to check on his date in the bathroom. The waitress sees Robin on the floor. She lies that nobody's there. She says the window in the bathroom is open. The surgeon isn't surprised. He says Robin was acting weird all night. The waitress offers to buy him a drink. She asks if he's really a surgeon. Robin emerges from the bathroom. Her head is bleeding. She falls again. Wonk, wonk, wonk.