MacLaren's. It's taken this many months for Ted to ask Lily and Marshall whether being married feels any different. Marshall says it's pretty much the same except he might be getting carpal tunnel and his hand hurts. Barney asks immediately if that activity shouldn't have been cut down since the whole point of getting married is to not have to masturbate anymore. Boy, Barney, if I had a nickel...just one nickel. Not a lot of nickels. I swear it doesn't happen a lot. Oh, my God have I said too much. Marshall says it's from all the thank-you notes he's had to write. "Mostly," he adds. One of us! One of us! Lily says there are all these forms they have to sign in addition to the thank-you notes and the death folder. Barney stops her right there to ask about this "death folder." Is that from Harry Potter? They explain that it's all the information your spouse might need in case you die, all in one place. Passwords, addresses, a letter to the other person. My death letter just says, "Dear Rebecca: You should find Marshall and marry him. I would have. Love, O. P.S.: Boogety-boogety-boooooooo!" Lily gets up to get the round of beers, and Marshall realizes he's a total jerk. "Yeah," Barney says. "But why?" Marshall didn't know he was supposed to write a death letter for Lily. Instead he just put financial stuff and a funny list of things to do with his ashes. "Marshall brownies?" Ted asks. That was #6 on the list. Marshall decides to write a letter that night. "Unless... you die between now and then," Barney teases. Ted joins in about how there's no way Marshall will die that night. Barney dares God to smite Marshall. Marshall says, "Ha ha" and even though he's superstitious, he's not at all freaked out. Then he knocks on wood, throws salt over his shoulder and spins around in place. "You guys are jerks," he announces.
Ba ba pa pa!
Let the boring Robin storyline begin. SagetTed explains that after their breakup she needed time away from everything, including herself. We go to "argentina" (lowercased), where Robin, with braids in her hair, is sitting on the floor eating with a big group of people including Gael. Robin, who's got awful braids in her hair, declares that we're all like one big glob of positive energy. Not right now, we're not. She wonders if anyone's ever thought before. Gael feeds her a tiny piece of fish. He says if she wants more, he'll go catch it with his hands. Some drums start to play. Robin is excited about a drum circle and says it's different every time. She wants to go watch!
Back at MacLaren's, wavy-haired Robin is showing a photo album to the group, including the drum circle photo. "Are you topless!?" Barney asks. Ted says he's seen 'em. Robin says that the Robin who left is not the Robin who came back. Lily marvels at all the naked people in the photo album. Did Robin go to Naked Argentina? Barney challenges Robin, saying she hasn't changed at all and she's still the gun-totin' New Yorker she was when she left. Barney doesn't buy her new peacenik attitude and says she's going to break up with Gael soon. He looks to Teed for support, but he goes the neutral, "I'm just happy Robin's happy." Lily says the photo album is like Where's Waldo of exposed genitalia, except it's really easy to find Waldo. Robin insists she's evolved. Barney thinks vacation romance has an expiration date and that Robin will dump Gael as soon as she de-evolves. Ted toes the neutral line again. Lily sees Gael coming and tells Barney to switch to big words. Barney says that in a triad of solar periods, she'll recognize her dearth of compatibility with her paramour. Robin says her journey was transformative and she reasserts her commitment to the aforementioned paramour and the philosophies he espouses. Gael asks if they're talking about baseball. Barney says this is gonna masticate him in the gluteus. He asks Ted to support his hypothesis. Ted repeats his line, but changes, "Happy" to "Jubilant." And "Robin" to "Former paramour."
That night, Marshall is sitting down to write his death letter to Lily. As he sits in the apartment, an angel Marshall appears in a bubble over his right shoulder. He tells his "Dearest Lily-Pad" that he hopes this letter will be a beacon, a firefly to light the years ahead. Pretty music plays. As he proclaims his love, higher than the Himalayas, deeper than a Scottish loch, Marshall sobs as he writes. It's pretty hilarious. Later that night, the angel says, "If I die under suspicious circumstances, then beware. Trust no one. Not even Ted." Marshall thinks about it for a second. "Especially not Ted," Angel Marshall says. Ha! Marshall cries as Angel Marshall proclaims his never-dying love for Lily. "Love, your marshmallow," he concludes. Marshall seals the envelope and places it in a folder. Then he notices Lily's death folder, right on the table. I am ashamed to admit that I would probably read it, too. Marshall looks around and opens the folder. He finds a little tiny envelope and unwisely tears the thing open. Angel Lily, still with the Jenny Lewis 'do (I don't think they allow that in heaven) reads an ATM PIN code, and a code for her teacher's pension. She concludes with, "Cancel Vogue. L." Concise!
MacLaren's. Gael is telling a story involving his windsurfing board and a shark he befriended as Robin, Lily and every other woman in the bar stares at him, admiringly. Barney and Ted, standing over by the bar, bitch about, "That guy." No, it's That Guy-El. Barney complains that they have to bend over backwards to get women to bend over backwards. He thinks it's the accent. Ted says he's better looking than them. Barney thinks it's because he's from out of town. Ted says you get an automatic out when you're from out of town because you're leaving in a few days. Ted wishes they were tourists. Barney has a plan so cunning you could put it on a motivational poster and call it "Awesomeness!"
Cut to... "new york city!" (Lowercase.) Barney and Ted are suited down and pretending to be hicks. They stop two attractive young ladies and Barney says, "Howdy" and asks what street the Statue of Liberty is on. The girls direct them to Ellis Island. Barney introduces himself as Ignatius Peabody Nobel from East Western Tennimissouri. Ted is just...Ted. Ted asks if some real New Yorkers can show them around town. The girls say they're busy that night, but they'll meet them tomorrow afternoon. In front of MacLaren's. One of the girls says that it's kind of a lame bar. Ted tries gamely to stick up for his hangout, saying cool people hang out there. They think it's lame. Barney has to pull Ted back so he doesn't ruin everything.
Inside the bar, Robin is telling Lily how great things are going with Gael, but she's a little too positive and it rings false. Robin says she finds herself getting a little annoyed at things about Gael that she enjoyed on vacation. Side-whoosh to Gael feeding her in Argentina so she can experience her food. Then in New York, he tries the same thing with spaghetti. Robin tries to keep the food from falling while crying, "Sofa, sofa, sofa, sofa!" Side-whoosh to Argentina. Gael clears off a table to make love to her on it. In New York, he clears off her table and knocks over her laptop. Robin is also finding sand everywhere. That's really annoying. Robin says she doesn't want to become the person she was before the trip. She resolves to evolve and go with the flow.
Robin's apartment. She's showering. She hears the toilet lid raised and thinks Gael is peeing while she's in the shower. She says the new Robin is fine with that. Robin asks him to come on in. She opens the curtain. It's some random dude with an Australian accent. "Don't mind if I do, love," he says. Dude, not cool! And he's wearing a black vest! Robin screams, of course. She puts on a tiny robe and goes to the living room. It's full of people. Gael says they're traveling friends and they're staying... how you say? "Indefinitely!"
The apartment. Lily asks Marshall to sign a thank-you note she wrote. He's impressed she wrote on both sides to a third cousin who only gave them a blender they haven't opened. She says it's a nice blender. Marshall tells her to go ahead and marry it. She says she can't; she married Marshall and that's how she got the blender. Oh, marriage! This could totally be a "Lockhorns" comic. Marshall pretends nothing's wrong. Then he loses his cool and throws "Cancel Vogue" in her face. Lily's mad that he read the letter. Marshall tells her that time she writes something that short, to at least make it rhyme. He storms out. Or tries to. She says it's their first fight since they got married. Marshall softens up and they hug. Then he storms out.
SagetTed says that the big city has tons of great stuff to do. But for some reason, the two New York girls took Barney and Ted to a place called Tater-Skinz. I bet they have the best potatoes! They tell the boys that this place is the best. Ted is sure this is the best of their 57 "Spud-tastic" East Coast locations. The girls go to the bathroom. Ted is really annoyed. Barney thinks this is so easy he's going to try a knock-knock joke. Ted thinks they're the lamest New Yorkers. They high-five anyway. The girls come back after no more than 30 seconds. Did they urinate while walking? They girls offer to take Ted and Barney to a party.
Robin's place. Everybody's watching soccer on her old TV. She tries to throw down some rules, but calls them guides for harmonious living. She says the sink is not for peeing. She says, randomly, "GFHL." Global Fantasy Hockey League? She is Canadian. Oh, right. "Guidelines For Harmonious Living." She says pot is illegal here, even when baked into a blueberry muffin that she ate before work. She tells a long story about talking about her weird hand on the air. This is...not so funny. Everybody in the living room cheers, but not for Robin. I agree with them. Robin goes to take a nap. Is this scene over yet?
Cab ride. Barney pretends to admire the city lights. Ted, annoyed, tries to tell the cabbie where to go. Barney tries to play it off. He says Ted's been watching too many "Steinfeld" reruns. Ha. "Steinfeld." Nice. My dad sometimes says "Strimp" instead of "Shrimp." But I love him! (Holding back a tear.) That's my dad! Barney tries to get Ted to relax when he balks at going to a party in South Bronx at night. Cut to...sirens.
They got mugged. Ted got all his money stolen. Barney was only carrying traveler's checks.
Apartment. Marshall is still annoyed about the letter. Lily fires back about Marshall opening up the letter. She has a good excuse for what she wrote. She says she can't bear the thought of being without Marshall, even for a letter. She also thinks Marshall's just going to open it up again. He promises not to. Marshall asks her to slip in some dirty stuff. She offers to make it all dirty with a little bit of clean. He asks her to put in some Polaroids.
South Bronx. Ted wants to go home. Barney insists they've hit the jackpot and are due for some "Thank God We're Alive Sex." Ted agrees to stick it out. The girls are good to go. They want to go back to their place to celebrate being alive. Barney asks where they live. "West Orange," one of them says. That's in...New Jersey, it turns out. I did not know that. Sars! Help! Ted keeps repeating that they live in New Jersey. One of the girls says that it's pretty much New York. "Oh, no. No, no..." Ted begins. Barney smells a rant coming. Ted says they're not pretty-much New Yorkers. They ask how he knows. "Because I live here!" he says. He admits, unapologetically, that they lied about being tourists. He says what's worse is saying you're a New Yorker when you're not. He says this is the greatest city in the world and you have to earn the right to call yourself a New Yorker. He tells them to crawl in the open sewer pipe they call the Holland Tunnel and flush themselves back to "Pretty much New York." Ted says he'll do a lot to get laid. "But I am not going to New Jersey!" Oh, my poor Red States. This is almost like when someone says they're from Austin, but they really live in Round Rock. Almost. Barney pretends to be shocked. He tries to put his arms around the girls, but they slink off. The cops are going to give them a ride. Ted asks if they can ride, too. "Newark. Born and raised," one of the cops says. Hey, I bet that's in New Jersey, too!
Robin's place. She's wearing a tiny blue negligee. She hears a drum in the middle of the night. She gets up to ask the drummer to keep it down. It's Robin from Argentina, with the ugly braids in her hair. Wow, first Bizarro Clark and now Bizarro Robin? Vacation Robin asks what happened to New York Robin. She bemoans Robin's loss of tan and armpit hair. New York Robin says she has to have a job. Argentina Robin says that's so American. Wow, Argentina Robin is even more annoying than Regular Robin. "I'm Canadian! You know that!" New York Robin says. Argentina Robin says making your own jewelry and thinking about peace is more important than anything. New York Robin realizes the other Robin really sucks. She's boring and lame and is bringing in sand everywhere. Real Robin says Argentina Robin is just her trying to get over a breakup. Argentina Robin gets up and puts an arm around New York Robin. "What are you doing?" New York Robin asks. Argentina Robin leans in for a kiss.
New York Robin wakes up with a gasp. There's a drum circle going on. She tells everyone to get out. Nobody listens to her. Robin goes to her nightstand, pulls out a gun, and goes to the living room. Everybody scatters. "Michael Moore was so right about Americans!" one of them yells. "I'm Canadian!" Robin fires back. She slams her door and the entire fake wall moves. Gael wakes up in bed. He asks if she's all right. She's not. Enrique Iglesias' song plays as they break up. I wonder what it's like to get dumped to your own music.
SagetTed says that Robin was back. She shows up at MacLaren's wearing a sweater. She has a drink with Barney. She tells Barney that she had another dream about Vacation Robin. "Listening," Barney says. Robin says she may be sandy, but that chick knows what she likes. Barney's visibly excited. They toast.
The apartment. Lily presents Marshall with her sealed letter. She says she doesn't want him to read it unless something happens. Marshall swears not to, but asks what it says. He promises after all.
"After 22 wonderful years of marriage," SagetTed says, "Marshall kept his promise." We cut to a very ornate desk. Marshall, much older and bald, sits sadly at a desk. "Until November 1st of last year, when sadly..." The title card says, "the year 2029." Oh my God, they killed Lily! You bastards! Marshall sadly opens Lily's letter. There's a funny motivational paperweight on the desk showing a little figure pushing a rock up a hill. It says, "Determination." Young Angel Lily pops up in a balloon. "Busted!" she says. "I knew you'd read this! You suck, Marshall, you totally suck!" Marshall looks for more text. "That's it?" he asks, "I suck?!" Mature, Hillary Rodham Lily walks in and says he does suck for reading it. Hey... Milfy! Marshall is mad there's no dirty pictures in there. "Fine, I'll take the dirty pictures," Older Lily says. "I don't want them now!" he says. She asks what that's supposed to mean. "Nothing! You're beautiful!" he says. The End.
CBS wants you to know that you should totally go buy the new Enrique Iglesias album Insomniac. You know, if he really is an insomniac, I have a cure for him. He should listen to the new album by Enrique Iglesias. See ya week!