Season Three ahoy! The Year 2030. The kids on the couch (as opposed to being in the hall). SagetTed tells them that there's more than one story of how he met their mother. There is? Well, which one is this? He says they know the short version that involves their mother's yellow umbrella. Intriguing. We see an extended, large yellow umbrella spinning in some wind on a dark street. He says the longer version is how he became how he had to become before he could meet her. And that story, SagetTed says, begins... here: "...dary!" Barney says. It's the year 2007. Barney and Ted are suited-up at Lily and Marshall's second wedding. They're still outside on the veranda. "Legendary!" Barney repeats. He's stoked that Ted is single again. Barney says they're going to conquer New York. Barney says he's already got a girl picked out; she's got a larger right boob than left boob. He says he chooses to see the bra as half-full. Barney's smoking. Ted says that he and Robin just broke up two weeks ago and that he's not ready. Barney asks when will he be ready? Freeze!
SagetTed says it's a good question. We cut to pasta-sauce-stained Robin and Ted on the couch hugging as they were breaking up. SagetTed says that after their break-up, Robin went to Argentina and Ted did his usual break-up routine. We see him standing in the apartment bathroom, staring at the beard he's growing in the mirror. The beard itself isn't growing within the mirror. It's actually on his face. But, ah, the reflection... a-ha! A-ha! Ted is picking at his "Break-up beard." Barney pops in after barely knocking, ordering Ted to suit up. He says there's a Nassau County beauty pageant. They'll be judges and their votes are for sale! Yes! Let's go! Still staring at his beardness, Ted says, "I'm not ready."
Cut to: Ted is painting the apartment. Barney pops in the front door and invites Ted to a women's 10K. He says it'll be nothing but girls on an endorphin high who wanna lie down. "Not ready," Ted grunts.
MacLaren's. Ted, holding a beer from the bar, sits down with Lily, Marshall and Barney. Barney has the hook-up with some circus performers from Montreal. They are super-flexible. "We are gonna get Cirque du So-Laid!" he says. "Whaaaaat uuuuup?" he salutes, his hand raised for some wiggle-fingered dap. Ted interrupts to tell Barney that he's not ready, but just then Robin walks in. She's wearing a tight floral dress and her hair is curly. She's also lugging Enrique Iglesias behind her. He's wearing light pants, a froofy brown pullover, and some strategically placed stubble. Robin says she just got in last night. Just got in...to...Enrique's pants? She introduces him as "Gael." He puts an arm around her. "Hola," he says. The Sexy! Ted announces that he's ready as he takes a sip of beer.
Credits! Ba-ba-pa-paaaa! Happy time.
The apartment. It looks a lot darker and woodsy for some reason. Is that just me? Barney and Marshall are on the couch flailing their Xbox 360 controllers around. I've been playing BioShock for the last three week sand I had to pry the controller out of my own hands to start this recap. I'm jonesin' right now, man! Lily is sitting on the floor sporting her Rilo Kiley hairdo. Ted emerges from the bathroom. His beard has lost its chin, transforming into a giant set of muttonchops. I'd make a joke about it, but the show is right there with it. Ted is annoyed at Robin for bringing that guy back with her from Argentina. Ted has decided that Robin is trying to win what was previously an amicable break-up. Lily asks what he means and calls him, "Old-timey inventor." Marshall says that what our 21st president Chester A. Arthur is trying to say is that in every break-up, there are winners and losers. Lily giggles. Barney says that Robin's got a hot underwear model and Ted's singing the low part in a barbershop quartet. Lily says it's not a competition. "Now your 80-day balloon race around the world...that was a competition!" Hee. Marshall couldn't be prouder of his wife. Ted strides back to the bathroom. Barney says it is a competition. How else to explain "What's-his-name?"
Side-whoosh to MacLaren's, where Gael is introducing himself. "I'm sorry...Gayle?" Ted asks. It seems obnoxious at first ("These are O.R. scrubs." "O. R. they?"). Gael repeats his name. "Kyle?" Barney asks. "Girl?" Marshall tries. Robin says it's pronounced "Guy-El" (is he Kryptonian?). Gael says the name means "Joyful" and that he likes spreading joy to the less fortunate. Awwww. "I'm sorry, so it's Gayle?" Ted asks. These people need more Latino friends. I volunteer!
Side-whoosh back to the apartment. Ted has emerged from the bathroom with a big handlebar moustache. He's mad at Gael for coming to this country with a big sexy accent to seduce his girlfriend. "That's a great point... Persian nightclub owner," Barney says. Ted is further disgusted by the fact that Gael is a masseuse.
Side-whoosh to MacLaren's. Gael is explaining how in massage, everything is connected. He can touch your foot and cleanse your kidney. He can touch your earlobe and slow your heartbeat. Unholy! Lily is intrigued. Ted says that one time he used warm water to make a guy pee. Ted says he didn't make a career out of it. Gael says "career" is such an American idea. He says his career is living. And windsurfing! And making love! All at the same time! Barney asks how. No, seriously, he really wants to know.
We're gonna need more side-whooshes! Back on the couch, Barney believes Gael is lying about the whole windsurfing-sex thing. He has compiled a list of every vehicle, land-based, aquatic and airborne, on which it's possible to have sex. He says out of those 33 vehicles, he's had sex on 31. Windsurfing board is not on the list. Barney says in order to get to 33, he just needs to do it on a bobsled and the Apollo 13 capsule. Lily says he'd have to break into the Smithsonian. Barney says this conversation never happened. Ted emerges, rubbing a towel on his face. The facial hair is all gone. Awww. I was hoping he'd keep it around a little longer, but then between this scene and all the jokes in Knocked Up maybe it's time we gave beard humor a rest. Ted's ready to go. He says he doesn't want to intrude on Lily's double date. Lily apologizes and says there was a lull.
MacLaren's. Gael is talking about walking under the stars and Lily jumps in with, "Do you wanna have dinner with me?" Marshall is like, "Uh, what?" and almost spits out his beer. "Us?" Lily amends.
Apartment. Marshall declares there was no lull. Lily is forced to admit Gael is a little hot. But it can't be serious because, she says, girls never marry the hot guy. "You did," Marshall says. Lily says she was one of the lucky few. Marshall is trying to take Ted's side. He says that "Male-Gayle" is not their friend and that she shouldn't even look at him. No eye contact!
Cut to Robin and Gael arriving. Wow, this show moves fast. Lily greets Robin, then ducks her head to avoid looking at Gael. He's wearing a white hoodie. Robin asks Ted if she can talk to him for a minute. They go into the kitchen. SagetTed says that Robin meant well, but that she told him she just wanted to make sure he's okay with this.
Cut to MacLaren's, where Ted is bitterly repeating what Robin just said. He rants that they got through the break-up without any lame passive-aggressive moments. He says it was a clean break-up until -- KABOOM! Ted says this is war. Barney gives him a "Standing bro-vation." He starts to give Ted a pep talk and tells him to take a knee. Ted doesn't. As the camera shifts to Barney, he says they're going to get Ted a girl much hotter than Robin. He says Robin is a ten (really?), but that as Ted's wingman, Barney is going to get him a twelve. Or two sixes. Or four threes. Worst-case is they go to Staten Island and he gets Ted twelve ones. Barney turns to Ted and we see Ted making out with Mandy Moore. Only she's Play Trashy Mandy Moore with lots of arm tattoos and a black miniskirt. They're kissing a lot. "Amy," she says. "Ted," Ted says. They kiss some more. "Barney," Barney chimes in. Commercials!
Barney tries to get a high-five from Ted, but Ted is still macking-down. Barney keeps trying for the five, without success.
Apartment. Silence. Robin apologizes for things being weird. Marshall asks why things would be weird. She used to date their best friend and Lily thinks her boyfriend is incredibly hot. Lily has an embarrassed outburst. Robin hopes Ted is all right. Gael tries to rub the tension out of her shoulders. Robin talks about how clean their break-up was, then starts moaning and collapses to the floor. She moans inappropriately. Marshall, tense, asks if he's a licensed massage therapist. Gael says he studied in Buenos Aires and can show Marshall his card. Marshall asks if the card is laminated. It is. Marshall whispers to Lily that the story checks out.
Side-wipe. Barney still can't get a high-five. He keeps calling Ted's name until Ted stops kissing Mandy Moore. Barney wants to bail. This place is dead. Barney says he has the whole night planned out. "Spoiler alert," Barney warns: they're going to go to an after-hours spot so after-hours that it's three days from now. "What. Up?" Barney says, making hand signals. Ted says he's making out with a twelve (really?) and that he's winning. Barney's mad he didn't get to help. Amy comes up and asks who the suit is. Ted introduces Barney. She's Amy. Barney says he won't remember that because she's just some random chick. Barney says they have a schedule to keep. Amy says he can check off "8:54 -- dress up like a dork and bother the cool kids" from his list. Ted laughs at that which seems a little douchey. "Beat it, nerd," Amy tells Barney. Barney calls her Tommy Lee. Barney goes off about the sacred bond of the wingman, but they're making out again.
Marshall in the kitchen. He's serving up some chicken and mutters that it looks a little tense. He starts massaging it. "Ooh, does that feel good, Mr. Chicken?" he asks in a Spanish accent. Marshall says he didn't wash his hands. He takes the plate into the living room. Gael is giving Lilly a massage. Gael says that releasing tension in the neck and shoulders can ease up old emotional baggage. "I forgive you, Mom!" Lily says. Back in the kitchen, Marshall complains that they're supposed to hate this guy. Lily says that's what she was doing. She plans to build him up and cut him down later. Marshall points, back and forth, at her breasts. She's no longer wearing a bra.
MacLaren's. Amy found a friend for Barney and she's stealing a bottle of liquor from the bar. Barney complains that they're known here and are gonna get busted. Amy asks if Barney's tailor leaves extra room in the crotch for Barney's giant vagina. Ted laughs at her jokes again. "You!" Barney tries, "...your...vagina!" Barney wants to leave. Amy offers up her place. Barney says no thanks to "1994 Courtney Love." Amy says she has a hot tub.
Hot tub. All four of them are naked and wet. Barney, holding the liquor bottle, is finally convinced this was a good idea. Ted says he likes Amy's tats. She says he can play with them if he wants and that they're real. No, he meant tats as in tattoos. Amy says he should get one. "Wrong!" Barney says. Barney says Ted has a clean-cut look that never goes out of style. "Burn!" he says, flashing a weird hand signal at Amy. Amy thinks he would look hot with some ink. She and Barney bicker. Barney's blonde date says she'll do anything Barney wants. Barney leans in to kiss her, then goes back to arguing about the tattoo. Ted has decided he would look "Way hot" with some ink. God help us. Everybody kisses. A little boy shows up. "Tyler!" Amy yells. The kid announces to his parents that Amy is back. Amy says the family was supposed to be in the Hamptons. They all scramble out of the hot tub.
City street. They're all scrambling in various states of undress. Barney's got his shirt unbuttoned. Amy says she used to be their nanny until she got fired. Barney says he wouldn't let her take care of the imaginary kids he makes up to score with single moms. Barney tries to hail a cab. Ted is looking glassy-eyed. He fantasizes Gael and Robin windsurfing. Gael tells Ted they're about to have fantastic aquatic sex. Robin wants to make sure Ted is okay with this. Gael and Robin then try to figure out how to make that happen, logistically. Back on the street, Ted, stone-faced, says he's getting a tattoo. Barney tries to talk him out of it. Ted and Amy kiss. Barney warns Ted that he's going down a dark path. They get into a cab while Barney stands with the blonde lady, trying to talk some sense into Ted. "This is so going in my blog!" he screams. The blonde lady asks, "Wanna have sex?" He does. They go.
Tattoo parlor. Ted wants a tattoo that says "I win" with flames coming out of the bottom. Amy wants to start a fire. Ted is really drunk. "This is gonna be legen -- wait for it..." Ted says. SagetTed busts in on a freeze-frame to say that was all he remembered. The morning, he's alone in bed, shirtless. Ted, alarmed, checks his body, but finds no sign of a tattoo. Sweet relief! He gets up and walks away from us and we see a large tattoo of a butterfly on his lower back. Oops! Shouldn't that thing be under a bandage?
In the living room, shirtless Ted tells everybody he had a great time meeting a crazy girl and almost getting a tattoo. Ted says he's winning the break-up. He walks toward the bathroom, and Marshall and Lily see the tattoo. They are giddy. "Oh my God," Marshall says. Ted turns. Marshall plays it off with the assistance of a J. Crew catalog. Lily and Marshall scramble to call Barney. He shows up almost instantly, asking what the emergency is. Barney's still mad at Ted, "B the W." Lily asks if Barney might speak to Ted if maybe butterflies flew out of his ass. Ted's in the kitchen. Marshall asks him to get him the fondue pot. Ted, now wearing a shirt, reaches up and as his shirt rides up, the tattoo becomes visible. Barney falls over and he's caught by Marshall. "What?" Ted asks. Barney, trying not to crack up, says he came over to apologize. Barney says all this time he thought Ted needed a wingman to fly, but all this time, he's got his own wings now. He says Ted's been gestating, growing in his cocoon. Last night, Barney says, Ted came out of his cocoon like a majestic... "Gawrsh, what is it that comes out of a cocoon? I was always bad at science." Lily almost loses it. Ted says "A butterfly," and everybody loses their composure. "What?" Ted asks. Barney slaps him on the lower back, which hurts. Ted realizes what happened and runs to the bathroom. "Oh my God!" he screams. He can't believe he's got a tattoo. Barney says it's a "tramp-stamp." A "ho-tag," "ass antlers," "Panama City license plate." SagetTed says it suddenly all came back to him.
We're back at the tattoo parlor. Ted finishes, "Legen...dary!" He brings up winning the break-up again. Amy says she just broke up with her boyfriend, Steve. She says he was annoying her by saying she was the one and that he wanted to marry her. "What a wuss!" Ted announces. It turns out Steve is the very burly tattoo artist. He doesn't look happy. And we have a butterfly tattoo.
Back at the apartment, a panicked Ted is trying to get the tattoo off with water. Marshall suggests he try club soda. Ted looks for some ointment for the pain that he didn't notice until just now. He finds some Spanish massage oil. He asks what happened last night. "Last night got weird," Marshall says quietly.
Enrique, er, Gael, is playing a song on guitar. Candles are lit. Robin looks at him lovingly. So does Lily. The camera pans to Marshall. He's got a huge grin on his face as he hugs a pillow. Ha! I love Marshall. He buries his mouth in the throw pillow cutely. We cut to Gael giving Marshall a massage. Marshall says he just got over being chunky in the ninth grade. Gael says that's beautiful. "I am beautiful," Marshall says. Cut to Gael giving Robin a piece of fruit as she keeps her eyes closed so she'll "experience" her food. Gael tries to do the same for Lily, but Marshall cuts in and eats the mango. He gives Gael a bashful look. Gael's not amused. I'm totally crushing on Marshall as he's crushing on Gael. If someone was crushing on me right now, we could be a Totally Heterosexual Man-Crush Foursome. A Gentleman's Quarterly, if you will.
Lily and Marshall apologize to Ted for something that felt really, really good. Ted scoffs. He rushes out. Lily can't believe he got a tramp-stamp. They all laugh.
In front of Robin's apartment door. Ted knocks, and Robin answers the door. Before she can say anything, Ted lays it out that he's not there to try to win her back. There'll be no confession of love or indie rock song as they kiss. He says it sucks she came back from Argentina with someone as awesome as Gael. He says they had a polite break-up with no irrational yelling. He decides to yell for a while and that she'll have to stand there and take it. She agrees. "I'm yelling!" he says. Robin says she liked Ted's beard. He yells that he liked it too, but it was hot. He continues yelling that maybe in the winter, he'll grow it back out. Now he's done. Robin apologizes for showing up with Gael. Ted complains that she got over Ted while he's struggled so much. Robin says she cried her first three days in Argentina and that she missed Ted so much. She says it was really lonely and that's why Gael happened. She says she was trying to survive the break-up. Ted says they'll still be friends but asks why Gael had to be so hot. He calls Gael an Adonis. He says the guy is the Cadillac (sponsor placement!) of rebound guys. Ted says that even Marshall has a crush on him. "The guy's perfect!" he says. Robin says he's not. Ted asks one way he's better than that guy. "You're bigger," Robin says simply. Ted doesn't get it at first, thinking it's about height. "Ted. You're bigger," Robin repeats. As Mr. Ford from Frisky Dingo would say, "Ah...talkin' about mah penis!" Quick cut to MacLaren's. "I win!" Ted announces as he, Marshall and Barney toast their beers and drink.
SagetTed glosses over the whole penis thing by saying he can't remember what got him over the break-up with Robin, but that it was probably something profound and meaningful, not macho and petty. As the camera follows a woman getting her umbrella and leaving the bar, SagetTed says that what followed was a new era, a crazy time unlike any other before in his life. We go outside where the woman with the black umbrella joins a sea of others walking in the rain in an overhead shot. SagetTed says it's funny given what his life was moving toward and what was headed toward him. We see a yellow umbrella walk from left to right. She keeps walking as Mandy Moore sings very briefly on the soundtrack.
Tag-time! Barney is at his work desk at night. His phone rings. He answers with his Bluetooth headset. "Go for Barney," he says. It's Marshall. Marshall is in the apartment, but everything is dark. The blinds cast shadows on him. It's very sinister. Foreboding music plays. He tells Barney to check his e-mail. "What is it?" Barney asks. Barney says it's a new Web site, slapcountdown.com. Ted looks at the screen. It says, "55 days 23 hours 59 minutes 58 seconds." "What does this mean?" Barney asks. Marshall hangs up. "Marshall?" Ted asks. Marshall sniffs his beautiful slapping hand and breathes heavily. He rears his arm back as if he's about to slap a Barney. "No," Barney says. "Noooooooo!" he screams.