By Sara M
A newborn baby is immediately saddled with crappy parents, like her father who wants to name her "Brooke" and then either "Brooke Lynn" or "Brooklyn." Her new brother is not thrilled to have a new sister and complains that he's hungry, sending Dad on a quest for food. Such a provider!
With that, we go to the PPTH lobby, where Chase asks the lady at the front desk who paged him and why. She's way too up on the latest PPTH gossip, as she says nothing but looks uncomfortable as she turns towards a woman sitting by the door. Yes, it's Cameron, who I truly thought was never coming back after the way they couldn't be rid of her fast enough like eight episodes ago. And she's showing up at her (ex?)-husband's workplace, because why take care of deeply personal issues in the privacy of one's home when you can do it at work for all to see and gossip about? Poor Chase has to go through like everything at PPTH - reuniting with his father, finding out about said father's death, murdering Mufasa, and now this.
Dad returns with food, and was gone for such a long time that both his son and wife fell asleep waiting for him. He goes to check on his daughter, only to find that she isn't there. "Sara?" he asks his wife. Nice name, wife! She wakes up and has no idea where the baby is, as evidenced by her panicked reaction when told it's missing. Guys, I think the brother did it. I think he ate the baby. He said he was hungry. Also, I like how the character with the same name as me totally fell asleep when important stuff was happening. Story of my life!
Cuddy marches through the PPTH hallways with two employees and two PPTH security guards, as if she still believes that they are capable of anything. She meets with the Dad and asks him how long he was out of the room (15-20 minutes, which is more than enough time for a small child to eat a newborn baby. I'm just saying) before expositing that every PPTH baby comes with an ankle bracelet that sets off an alarm if someone tries to remove the baby from PPTH. That alarm hasn't gone off, so the baby must still be in the hospital. "We are on lockdown," Cuddy declares; "nobody moves until we find that baby." You know, if the son didn't eat the baby, then my suspect is Cuddy herself. We all know how much she likes other people's babies, and this looks like an inside job.
Chase and Cameron meet in an exam room that doesn't appear to have working lights. Cameron is armed with divorce papers that she wants Chase to sign, as he's apparently been dragging his feet about it for some reason. He refuses to sign them without having a "real conversation." What! How dare he ask for something as reasonable as that! Cameron decides that this was a mistake and leaves -- only to be told to go back into the exam by a PPTH Security guard as the PA system springs to life, calling a "Code 7." Wilson hears it in the cafeteria, where he's kept company by Sassy Cafeteria Register Lady (hooray!) and Hadley (BOOOO!). Taub, meanwhile, is in the bowels of the records room near some well-marked CONFIDENTAL PPTH Personnel files, and in a random PPTH hallway, some random nurse wandering around with a cart is yelled at by a security guard, who tells her to leave the cart and head for the nearest room to lock herself into. Way to be diligent, security guard! Maybe time you'll be able to stop one of the hundreds of armed men who freely roam the halls of PPTH daily. House then tries to tiptoe through the hallway, only to be seen by another security guard who orders him to lock himself in a nearby patient room. I know hospitals have procedures like this in the event of a missing baby (one hospital calls it a "Code Purple" on the PA system. The hospital I worked at didn't have a secret PA code for missing babies, which was too bad because the secret code for a fire was to page "Dr. Firestone" and the secret code for a medical emergency was "Dr. Quick." I would have loved to know what those unimaginative minds came up with for a missing baby alarm. Probably something like "Dr. Baby S. Missing"), but this seems kind of excessive and not really good for the rest of the patients at PPTH who require medical care and can't get any because the security guards have forced all medical personnel to sit tight in rooms. Good thing PPTH only has like three patients at a time.
By Sara M
A detective asks Sara some questions as Cuddy enters just in time to stop Sara from jumping out of bed to look for the baby herself. Cuddy orders her back into bed, saying the sudden movements that baby-locating often requires will rip out the stitches from her recent C-section. In fact, Sara is already bleeding from the wound. Hey, maybe they should check her womb. Perhaps the baby, seeing how lame the real world is, went back inside? Cuddy reassures Sara that the police will find her baby soon. Dad asks why the police aren't questioning their nurse, who is just standing at the nurse's station looking like a creepy baby stealer. Good call, Dad.
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- 7
- 8
- 9
- 10
- 11
- 12
- 13
- 14
- 15
- 16
By Sara M
Wilson has made a terrible decision and is hanging out with Hadley instead of the awesome Sassy Cafeteria Register Lady. He jokingly suggests that they play "Truth or Dare," but when it becomes obvious that they have nothing to talk about otherwise, he opts for "Truth." Dumb. It's not like Hadley could give him a really shitty dare to do when they're stuck in the cafeteria like that. He should have chosen Dare. Or made Hadley go first.
Detective Cuddy is on the case, and she wants to know if Nurse Lookslikeababysnatcher has an alibi for the time that the baby was stolen. Nurse Lookslikeababysnatcher is a little too quick to blame the son for the missing baby, saying she thinks he pinched his new sister when she gave her to him to hold. At the time, the nurse says, she thought it was just sibling rivalry. But now that she's a suspect in the baby's disappearance, she's ready to point the finger at someone else.
Taub finds Foreman in the records room. Foreman says he came down to help Taub find some patient file. Taub already has it, so he moves on to the CONFIDENTIAL personnel files that PPTH keeps hidden from public view by making them readily accessible to any PPTH employee with a lot of time on his hands. "We can look up anything on anyone," he says. Foreman is against this until Taub suggests that they do some research on their boss. It's not like House hasn't done all of this stuff to them and rubbed their faces in it, so why not?
House flips through the channels on a flat-screen TV in a patient room (I'm sorry, but there's no way hospitals have flat screens in patient rooms. No way!), only to be disturbed by a noise. It's the patient, Nash, who House is surprised to see is conscious when he's on a tremendous amount of morphine. He reads the guy's chart and sees that he has a condition called ischemic cardiomyopathy that is extremely painful and should be killing him within a day. So how wonderful that he gets to spend those last moments of his life in the dark by himself because PPTH can't keep track of its babies. House decides to leave this bummer of a room, only for Nash to call him back by identifying him by name. "Don't tell me we used to date," House says, perfectly happy to joke around with the super-terminal guy. Nash says he tried to be one of House's patients when he just had some unexplained tooth pain. That turned into a bunch of heart attacks and now here he is, barfing up who knows what into a pan that he only got in the first place because House happened to be there to give it to him. Otherwise, PPTH would have been happy to let the dying man barf all over himself, apparently. He asks if it bothers House to watch him die knowing that he could have done something to prevent it if he hadn't turned down Nash's case because it was too boring for him. Oh, don't sell yourself short, Nash. I'm sure House turned your case down because you aren't a hot woman, not because it was boring. House tries to be flippant about it, saying he can only take on one out of every twenty cases that come his way, and he knows that a lot of the cases he rejects end badly. House blames this on there not being more Houses in the world, as if the world could handle that. There would be more Houses in the world if CBS had its way, but no one watches any of their rip-off medical shows with quirky cranky doctors so they have to keep canceling them.
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- 7
- 8
- 9
- 10
- 11
- 12
- 13
- 14
- 15
- 16
By Sara M
Back in the cafeteria, Wilson asks Hadley if she's ever had a threesome. "No," Hadley says, surprising Wilson. He kind of figured that she was a shoo-in for one since she's bisexual and all. Um, and also because she went through that crazy drug sex phase after her Huntington's diagnosis, remember? Hadley informs Wilson that bisexual doesn't necessary mean that you have sex with two people at the same time. While Wilson mock laughs at this, Hadley sneaks in that just because she didn't have a threesome doesn't mean she's never had a foursome. Wilson asks for details on this, only to be told that Hadley did not, in fact, have a foursome but now Wilson is on the hook for two Truth or Dares in the row. For this, Hadley says, she is the "Queen" of Truth or Dare. How can you even be the queen of that? This episode was clearly written by men who don't know anything about teenage girls.
As the police and/or PPTH security search the halls with dogs (trained to detect that new baby smell!), Sara doesn't appreciate Cuddy's suggestion that her son, Walker, did something to his sister. Um, why is Cuddy performing this interrogation and not, like, the police or security or someone who at least works in the maternity ward? Apparently Cuddy is the dean of medicine and the dean of mystery solving. She exposits that Walker is actually Sara's stepson, and Sara says that he's been acting out violently at school lately.
Back in the Divorce Room, Cameron has no choice but to at least listen as Chase talks about their marriage. He's still confused, saying he thought they were working on it, only for Cameron to talk to House and come back saying that Chase was "forever poisoned" and their marriage was over. Cameron reminds Chase that he totally killed that guy. Chase shrugs and says the guy was a genocidal dictator who even Cameron had thoughts of murdering. "But I didn't," Cameron says. Ah, there's that moral superiority I missed!
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- 7
- 8
- 9
- 10
- 11
- 12
- 13
- 14
- 15
- 16
By Sara M
Taub finds House's file. We see that he lives on 519 Morehall St., so I guess his new address has made it to his typewriter-written file. Seriously, PPTH's HR department doesn't have computers for this kind of thing? This hospital is so weird. House's physician and emergency contact are listed as Wilson, and he isn't smiling in his photo. Taub notes at least 30 malpractice settlements, one of which Foreman reads. House once did a brain biopsy without doing a CT map first, causing all sorts of terrible things to happen and the patient's brain to die. Huh. I guess House's willingness to subject his patients to unnecessary and dangerous tests and treatments without following the proper channels first has consequences after all. Oh, but wait -- Taub finds another case where a patient lost four units of blood after a botched penis-ectomy. Patient's name: Lisa Cuddy. As it turns out, the braindead patient was named Lisa Cuddy, too. Ah ha ha ha! Taub notes that House doesn't even have to be there to screw with them. No, but he does have to have way too much time on his hands. And a typewriter. Foreman decides to take a different approach and "get into [House's] head" by taking a bunch of Vicodins he took off a drug-seeker in the Clinic. Taub immediately decides that this is a good idea, and takes out one pill. Foreman says if he really wants to be like House, he'll take multiple pills. Just say no, Taub. Being on Vicodin isn't that special anyway. Lots of people do it lots of times. Oh, except me when I had my fucking tonsils taken out last year and they would only give me two days' worth of liquid Vicodin at a time and I ran out one night and the pharmacy didn't open until nine the morning so I spent the entire night in the worst pain I've ever felt.
House decides to make Nash's last hours on Earth that much more fun by rubbing in the fact that there are no cards or flowers or people at his bedside. House guesses that Nash is either a lighthouse keeper or "a miserable bastard." Nash says he was a classics professor at Princeton, so that rules out the lighthouse keeper thing. House says he has the power to unlock Nash's morphine pump, thus allowing him to up his dosage and meet death all high and stuff. And unconscious, so House will be able to watch his TV in peace. "Win-win!" House says. But Nash turns the offer down. House calls him a "loser" and insists that Nash take him up on his offer. Nash thinks House's persistence has more to do with House wishing he could ease his own pain than Nash's. Well, obviously.
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- 7
- 8
- 9
- 10
- 11
- 12
- 13
- 14
- 15
- 16
By Sara M
Meanwhile, there's a helicopter flying over PPTH, just in case the baby found its way up to the roof or something. In the cafeteria, Hadley picks truth (have they done any dares yet? LAME) and Wilson asks how her dad reacted to her being bisexual. She says he made her tea, smiled, and said he supported her, just like he does with everything else she apparently tells him. Even the Huntington's diagnosis? Because that seems kind of mean. SHOCKINGLY, Wilson picks truth, and Hadley asks if he's dating anybody. That is a lame question for someone who professes to be the queen of Truth or Dare. "Now? No," Wilson says. Hadley finds Wilson's addition of a modifier interesting, even though it isn't. Then she picks truth. "When you were dating Foreman," Wilson starts, only to be stopped by Hadley, who decides that personal information about Foreman or their relationship should be kept private. Wilson says that's the freaking point of Truth or Dare -- to get people to admit or do things they don't want to. Hadley shuts down, and Wilson says that's her problem -- she pretends she's so liberal and open, but not when it's actually about anything interesting. Hadley selects dare, but says it can't contain nudity. Dumbass -- now that's the only thing Wilson wants her to do, and his dare is that she flash Taub. "That is the most idiotic dare ever!" Hadley declares; "have you ever played this game?" First of all, I have a feeling that Wilson has played it. Often. At slumber parties. And second, she's only saying that to try to get him to think of something else because she doesn't want to do it. Oh, also because there's no way that Hadley can do it now while they're on lockdown, and you can't really give future dares. But she promises she'll do it, perhaps tomorrow or year, because she's "honor-bound." Wilson seems fairly bummed that he didn't ask her to flash him.
Detective Cuddy is now interrogating Walker. She's really good at this, as she gets Walker to immediately cop to hating his new sister. In front of her parents, too! But he won't admit to doing anything to the baby, then orders Cuddy to stop asking him. Ha! She just got told by a six-year-old.
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- 7
- 8
- 9
- 10
- 11
- 12
- 13
- 14
- 15
- 16
By Sara M
Back in the room of death, Nash offers House some of his morphine drip for his obvious pain. House rejects it, admitting that he had to go to rehab and now takes only ibuprofen, which he doesn't happen to have on hand right now. Oh, please. Any woman will tell you that you always have ibuprofen on hand just in case. I can't imagine that someone whose pain is even more frequent than a few days a month would be less cautious. Our wise dying patient guesses that House's pain is more mental than physical, asking "what's her name?" House responds to this psychoanalysis with more psychoanalysis, accusing the Nash of projecting his own long lost lady love issues onto House. "What's her name?" House asks him. Sigh. Why do they even care? If I only had a few hours left to live and was in horrible pain, the last thing I would do is ask some asshole I just met about his women troubles. Hell, I don't even like to do that now and as far as I know, I'm going to live forever. Nash asks what time it is. "T minus four hours," House says cruelly before giving in and telling him it's 8:20. He then figures out that Nash is waiting for the woman to visit at a certain time, which is why he won't knock himself out with morphine.
Down in the records room, Taub and Foreman are lying on the ground, stoned. On the soundtrack, stereotypical stoned keyboards play. "Dude," Taub says. "Duuuude," Foreman says. Oh, no. There's nothing worse than watching people pretend they're on drugs. What did they take, two Vicodins each? I've taken Vicodin before and I'm like half the size of them (well, half the size of Foreman, anyway. Maybe 5/7ths the size of Taub) and it didn't do anything close to this to me. Taub is able to get to his feet while Foreman notices that he can't feel his face. The reasonable conclusion to draw from that, apparently, is that Taub should punch him in the face. "Hit me in the face!" he giggle-slurs to Taub; "you know you always wanted to!" Taub is reluctant, so Foreman punches him. Taub is surprised, but then decides that since it didn't hurt, it's "so cool." Then he gives Foreman an impressive right hook. Foreman sprawls out on the ground, giggling. "I wasn't ready!" he says. "What were you gonna do, flex your goatee muscles?" Taub says. Okay, that was funny. But I'm not sure if it was funny enough for the lameness of this scene otherwise. Taub then notices a file sticking out of Foreman's bag -- his own. He grabs it before Foreman can stop him, because one thing I love doing when I'm high on painkillers is reading someone else's personnel file.
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- 7
- 8
- 9
- 10
- 11
- 12
- 13
- 14
- 15
- 16
By Sara M
Back in the exam room, Cameron addresses "Robert" and says she'll answer any questions he asks as long as he signs the divorce papers. "Did you ever love me?" Chase asks. Instead of answering, Cameron asks how Chase how he could even suggest that she didn't, to which Chase puts forth a fairly convincing argument, saying that Cameron only slept with him in the first place because she was high and then when she decided to sleep with him again, she refused to let it go further than sex. "Because I knew I was falling for you and I didn't want to," she says. Chase continues that she acted like that even after she decided to commit to a real relationship with him, cancelling their vacation together to avoid him proposing to her and almost calling off their wedding because she didn't want to give up her dead husband's sperm. "Even then you weren't sure about me," he says. I think it's more like the writers weren't sure how to give their characters anything resembling a functional or realistic relationship, but okay. "Maybe if I was dying when you married me, it would have been different," Chase says. "That's not fair!" Cameron whines. Chase says Cameron only had her first husband for a year before he died, so they never had problems. "It was all a honeymoon with him," Chase says. Well, not really, since the guy was dying from terminal cancer and stuff. "I could never match up to that!" he says. Voices raise, and Chase again asks Cameron if she ever loved him. "I don't know!" she admits, then covers her mouth in horror at what just came out of it. Chase sighs and thanks her for finally being honest. Cameron sobs.
In the cafeteria, Wilson once again picks truth. Hadley asks if his use of the word "now" when he said he wasn't dating anyone means that he was or soon will be dating someone. When Wilson doesn't answer her immediately, she accuses him of being guarded and says he will have to take a dare. "No nudity now or in the future," is Wilson's only demand. Hadley tries to look all slick and badass as she says Wilson is "too much of a nice boy." She dares him to steal a dollar out of the cafeteria cash register. Oh, no. That is dangerous! Sassy Cafeteria Register Lady will cut him for that! Not to mention that he could get fired.
Taub reads through Foreman's file and finds an academic probation on his record. Wait, what? That shit carries into your real life? I always thought the permanent record was something my teachers made up to trick me into behaving. Apparently, Foreman faked a lab result. "Very wrong!" Taub scolds, then realizes that Foreman was in the records room to take and destroy his file before it could be digitized. How is he able to do that? Does he think PPTH won't notice that the entire file for one of its employees is missing? Actually, they probably won't. They couldn't even keep track of a baby. Foreman is suddenly all about telling the truth and confessing his innermost feelings to Taub, saying he faked the results to beat all of the "elite spoiled kids" in his class and "show no weakness." "Why did I just tell you that? I always talk too much when I'm stoned. Why'd I just tell you that?" Foreman talks to himself. Hee hee. Taub seems to feel sympathetic towards Foreman, taking a glance at the file and saying Foreman had great grades, so he didn't need to fake a lab result. Foreman psychoanalyzes himself, saying he didn't think he deserved to be in a top medical school. Taub decides that this can't just be about Foreman's school misdeeds and says that Foreman must still harbor those inferior feelings. "You don't think you belong here at the hospital!" he says. Really? Because I would think that PPTH is the perfect place for a doctor who doesn't think he deserves to work for the best, since it's such a crappy hospital that can't keep track of one simple baby and relies on its Dean of Medicine to do, like, everything and employs a man who wears his pants backwards as well as a completely useless security team. Foreman responds by whipping out another file -- Taub's.
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- 7
- 8
- 9
- 10
- 11
- 12
- 13
- 14
- 15
- 16
By Sara M
Back in the room of death and darkness, House makes fun of Nash's hope to be reunited with his lost love, saying it's pathetic and a simple visit or phone call won't fix things. "It's my daughter," Nash says. House thinks for a second, then asks where she is. Nash says he had an affair with a student and when his wife found out, she rightly gave him the boot. He left behind his six-year-old daughter and apparently never looked back. He says that he cheated on his wife in the first place because he married her because she was pregnant, then freaked out about the idea of commitment and found a way out of it by cheating on her. And then apparently spent the rest of his life not having any friends. Because that happens. Nash kept tabs on his daughter Gracie throughout the years, though, and knows she's now a dance teacher in Atlanta who doesn't get home from work until 9. He's waiting for that so he can give her a call and speak to her one last time. Nice job waiting until the very last second there, Professor Procrastinator. He asks House for his story, reminding him that he's going to be dead in a few hours so House has nothing to lose by being honest with him. True, but, again -- why does Nash care? If he's so much of an asshole that he has no one in his life to be with him when he dies then I doubt he cares about other people's problems. House rather uncharacteristically comes clean, saying that he always thought he liked being alone until he met Franka Potente in a mental hospital and she "changed" him. "And then she left," he sighs. And this is like the first time he's mentioned it since then, a gap he filled pursuing other women like 3B and Cuddy so he couldn't have missed her that much. Also, he was interested in Cuddy before he met Franka and lived with Stacy McFrozenface for years. So I have a hard time buying that he was happier alone until Franka came along. House shrugs that it doesn't really matter what you do or who you are in life because you still die alone and "tomorrow will be the same." "Yesterday would have been different," Nash points out.
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- 7
- 8
- 9
- 10
- 11
- 12
- 13
- 14
- 15
- 16
By Sara M
Wilson walks up to Sassy Cafeteria Register Lady and greets her as "Daria." Ha! Please tell me she's named after Daria Morgendorffer. Daria greets Wilson cheerfully, but then he asks her to make him a chicken sandwich. "Grill's closed," she says. Isn't the entire cafeteria closed, really? And yet, Daria is still at her cash register, doing the hell out of her job. She is already a harder worker and a more competent employee than everyone else at PPTH. Wilson says Hadley needs a high-protein meal immediately due to her "hypoproteinemia," and the cold chicken salad Daria suggests will not do. "She needs to eat warm protein for this disease?" Daria asks, not at all amused. Wilson mumbles something about activating uptake enzymes and concludes by saying that Daria's reluctance to turn the grill on could cause multiple organ failure for Hadley. Okay, come on now, Daria. Here's your chance to be the most awesome character in television history (not to mention a realistic depiction of nearly all hospital cafeteria workers I've ever met) by saying you'd rather watch Hadley die than cook a chicken sandwich. Especially since Daria runs the cash register. She's not a cook. Although I guess that's how it works at PPTH, where surgeons operate on everything from hearts to brains when they aren't serving as diagnostic fellows. But no, Daria just says "you don't have to be obnoxious about it" and heads for the kitchen, leaving her precious cash register unattended. Wilson opens it, snatches a dollar bill, and closes it, only for an alarm to go off loudly and obviously. It wakes up all the PPTH employees who don't get any lines this episode and so are spending their time in trapped in the cafeteria sleeping (hey, is that the weird night janitor I see?) and they all stare at him as Daria comes out from the kitchen and glares. Wilson places the dollar bill on the register, considers explaining himself, then gives up and walks away. Hadley finds this hilarious, because she sucks.
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- 7
- 8
- 9
- 10
- 11
- 12
- 13
- 14
- 15
- 16
By Sara M
And then in the exam room of divorce, Cameron marvels at how calm and "okay" Chase seems. Chase says he spent months trying to figure out what he did wrong (um, murder someone? Just a thought) but if she never loved him, then this wasn't his fault. Cameron makes a sad face, and Chase tells her it's okay. Really? Then maybe he never loved her, either. Cameron sobs that she doesn't know why she said she never loved him since "it's not even true." "I did love you. Just not in a way that would have ever worked," she says. "Why not?" Chase asks. Cameron says she's a mess and clearly has commitment issues what with her marrying her poor dead husband and pushing Chase out of her life. "I'm unfixable," she concludes. HUH? What? Where is this even coming from? Chase, Cameron says, can be fixed. I'm going to disagree with that one, since Chase totally murdered that guy and everything. Remember that? He's a doctor, and he abused his doctor privileges in order to murder a patient. That sucks! How is Cameron now the messed up person in that relationship? Why don't they just have her say the truth - "the writers couldn't figure out anywhere for my character to go and they liked Olivia Wilde more anyway, so they fired me." That makes much more sense than any of this. "I'm sorry," Chase says. "I'm sorry too," Cameron says. Yeah, well, there is this thing called "COUPLES COUNSELING" and "MARRIAGE THERAPY" that they might want to try before deciding that Cameron is unfixable just because she married a dead guy once. Oh, wait, no -- Chase signs the papers, so that's that.
Hadley still wants to play Truth or Dare, even though she reveals that she wasn't telling the truth in some of her answers. She never told her dad about her bisexuality or her Huntington's. "He's been through enough," she says. Whatever -- does having a bisexual daughter really constitute as a hardship? Huntington's does, but it's not like he won't find out if Hadley doesn't tell him about it. I'm sure he'd rather know sooner than later so he can make the most out of whatever time he has left with her before the disease sets in. Hadley spares her father that kind of pain by working late when he visits and staying somewhere else when he stays in her house. I'm sure that doesn't hurt his feelings or anything. Whatever, I don't care about Dadley and I don't care about Hadley. Good thing she changes the subject back to Wilson when he says it's not fair of her to "suppress [her] life for his convenience," pointing out that that's exactly what Wilson's been doing for House, and it's obviously having an effect on his love life. That's all it takes for Wilson to say she's right and reveal that the woman he's not dating "now" is named Sam Carr, though her name was Sam Wilson from 1990 to 1991. Wow, way to make that marriage last, Wilson. He and Cameron should get together and talk about how to ruin things. "Your ex-wife?" Hadley asks. "No, my mother. Yes, my ex-wife," Wilson snaps at her. His first ex-wife friended him on Facebook a few weeks ago (seriously, Wilson has a Facebook account? Why? That's ridiculous) and it turns out that she's recently divorced. Hooray! They're perfect for each other. But Wilson doesn't want to ask her out because then House will get upset. Hadley psychoanalyzes Wilson almost as well as he psychoanalyzes everyone else, saying he's using House as an excuse because even a casual date with an ex makes things "immediately serious" and that's scary.
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- 7
- 8
- 9
- 10
- 11
- 12
- 13
- 14
- 15
- 16
By Sara M
And back in the broken marriage exam room, Cameron asks Chase about his "favorite parts" of their marriage. Isn't it a little too soon for this? Chase says he liked it when she would put her arm around him in the middle of the night without even waking up and how she stood up to her dad at Christmas when he yelled at her mother. Oh, god, I wonder what that scene was like. Knowing Cameron, she told her father that she loved him once, but now she realizes that he's poison and everyone around him is also poison. Then she kissed him on the cheek and took off, never to return except for one time when she got locked in an exam room with him for closure purposes. Cameron remembers a dance class they took for their wedding, and how Chase will never hold her like that again. Well, he could if you tried to work out your problems instead of running away. I can't feel very sorry for someone who's mourning the loss of a relationship she never tried to save. Chase stands up and plays a song on the speakers of his phone. I'm guessing it's their wedding song ("Alison" by Elvis Costello, by the way)? They dance. I don't understand how he can touch her knowing that she left him and their marriage like that.
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- 7
- 8
- 9
- 10
- 11
- 12
- 13
- 14
- 15
- 16
By Sara M
Foreman reads Taub's file, which is full of impressive accomplishments at an early age. "This has got to be the most spectacular file down here," Foreman says, asking why Taub seems ashamed of it. Taub says he always thought he would become a doctor like House someday, especially considering everything he achieved in med school. But now he's just one of House's fellows. Foreman says they both have regrets. Taub says his are different than Foreman's because Foreman is "trending up" and Taub is not. Well, except for the part where he was a very successful and wealthy plastic surgeon and only came back to work for House because it was what he truly wanted to do. Who wrote these scenes? Have they actually seen the show?
Oh, great. More from Detective Cuddy. She asks Sara how she's doing, and Sara's apathetic shrug tells her that she let them give her a sedative. Good times! Sara stays with it enough to ask Cuddy if she has any kids, allowing Cuddy to take off her detective hat and put on her therapist coat. Cuddy takes a seat on Sara's bed and says she adopted a daughter last year. Sara says she adopted Walker after marrying his father and worries that she'll never love him like she loves her daughter. "Does that make me a horrible person?" she asks, sobbing. Not if Walker killed your baby, it doesn't. Cuddy doesn't even respond, just graciously goes to get Sara some tissues from the bathroom. Yeah, judgment tissues. You're a shitty mother tissues. Cuddy glances around the bathroom for a second, then asks Sara if she requested extra towels. Sara's like, "uh ... no? Why is that important? Why haven't you found my baby? This hospital is the worst." Cuddy doesn't answer her, just makes her surprised! face. This is like the second time that Sara asked Cuddy a question and got no answer.
Cuddy marches into the lobby and tells the weirdo baby snatcher nurses that Sara has eight towels in her room when patient rooms are only supposed to have four. Weirdo nurse quickly says that's housekeeping's department, making sure to get the blame off of her ASAP. Cuddy orders her to get their logs. Nurse Lookslikeababysnatcher hesitates because that means she'll have to do actual work, but then her boss tells her to do it and shut up. The other nurse has no problem staying quiet because she's standing around with one of her arms outstretched looking like a zombie. Cuddy asks if she's okay. "Sure," Nurse Adriane says. Cuddy notices that the hairs on Adriane's left arm are standing up but the hairs on her right arm are not. That means she's have a pilomotor seizure, which is a special almost magical condition where you have complex seizures and stay conscious but behave automatically with no awareness of what's going on. And your co-workers are all such self-involved assholes that they don't notice you standing around like a zombie all day, as Cuddy says Adriane has probably been having these seizures all day without knowing it. Which means she may have dropped fresh towels off in Sara's room twice ... and taken the baby. Ah, Detective Cuddy strikes again!
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- 7
- 8
- 9
- 10
- 11
- 12
- 13
- 14
- 15
- 16
By Sara M
Back in the room of relationships that no longer make sense, Chase and Cameron stop dancing and Cameron says they never had a "proper good-bye." Well, that's because she packed her bag and took off. They kiss, then Cameron pulls away. Chase is disappointed until she heads to the exam room door and locks it, giving him a mischievous look. More making out happens. So Cameron's so irreparably "messed up" that she can't keep her marriage together or even try to but she can have sex with the man she can't bear to stay married to one last time? Okay.
House gives Nash a phone and says it's time to call his daughter. Nash dials and gets an answering machine. Oh, snap! Nash leaves a message on her machine of some heavy breathing as he struggles to hang the phone up. Gracie is going to be so confused when she checks her messages, you guys. "I guess she's running late," he shrugs, and House notes that he doesn't seem very surprised or bothered, especially since he waited all this time to call her. House instadiagnoses Nash with intentionally waiting until he knew Gracie wouldn't be home to call her. Nash says Gracie's aunt told him that she works at night and sometimes he calls when he knows she's at work to hear her voice on the machine. "I was never there when she needed me, so what right do I have to need her now? None," he says. "Apparently, you do," House says, hitting redial on the phone. "Forget about rights. Tell her what you need to tell her," House says, placing the phone to Nash's face. Gracie's machine picks up, and he takes a minute before saying "Gracie, this is ... your father. I love you." And then he starts crying and turns away from the phone so House hangs it up. Wow, way to not even say good-bye, Dad. That's just rude. Although you know what's more rude than that? Not seeing your daughter for years upon years because you didn't want to commit to her mother and then resurfacing in her life only to leave a message on her answering machine before you die. So now you get whatever closure you wanted, but Gracie doesn't. Ever.
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- 7
- 8
- 9
- 10
- 11
- 12
- 13
- 14
- 15
- 16
By Sara M
Detective Cuddy puts her baby-finding skills to the test, entering a housekeeping closet. Cuddy notices that a laundry cart is missing. Damn. She's the Dean of Medicine, but she always knows what's up in her hospital, from the number of towels each patient is supposed to get to how many carts there usually are in the housekeeping closet. Too bad she isn't able to control anything else at PPTH. For instance, maybe she should have known that one of their nurses was subject to rare seizures that cause sufferers to steal babies and not assigned her to the maternity ward. Cuddy leaves the closet and looks around. Those baby-locating skills of hers that found a live baby one month after it supposedly died in a crackden in the middle of winter kick in, and she soon finds a laundry cart sitting just outside the doors to the maternity ward in a hallway. And lying in a bunch of dirty towels is the baby, who spent the last few hours being totally silent unlike every baby ever. Also, are you trying to tell me that all those police officers and dogs and helicopters and useless PPTH security guards couldn't find a baby in a freaking laundry cart that was like ten feet away from the patient room in a hallway? SERIOUSLY? Cuddy picks the baby up and cries with happiness. After all, last time she found a missing baby, she got to keep it!
Cuddy hands the baby to Sara... for now. Walker and Dad run in and the whole family is reunited now that they know the stepson didn't do anything wrong. A bunch of PPTH staff members watch from the hallway along with the one security guy and police officer who didn't leave in shame at being so bad at finding babies. Adriane doesn't appear to be there, either. I hope they sent her to a different, better hospital for treatment or else week's episode will be dedicated to finding her after she wanders off under everyone's nose.
And in the exam room of WTF, Chase and Cameron are informed by some guy standing outside the locked door that the lockdown is over. Apparently, PPTH doesn't have a PA system to announce these kinds of things. They are all post-coital and stuff, because having sex on an exam table is fun and comfortable.
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- 7
- 8
- 9
- 10
- 11
- 12
- 13
- 14
- 15
- 16
By Sara M
In the cafeteria, Wilson informs Hadley that he just called and invited Sam to have dinner with him. "Little baby's all growed up," Hadley smirks. Yet even she might have learned something today, as she says she'll talk to her dad later when she stops by his hotel. Wilson's all, "but you said he stayed at your apartment." We have no idea what parts of Hadley's history were true and which were lies. But one thing is clear: Hadley sucks at Truth or Dare.
And down in the records room, PPTH's PA system remembers that it exists and announces that the lockdown is over. Foreman and Taub appear to be no longer high, so they leave their files behind and agree never to tell anyone about this. Foreman leaves Taub behind to get the patient file that sent him down there in the first place, and Taub opens Foreman's file, removes the page containing his academic probation, and feeds it to a nearby paper shredder.
In the room of death and psychoanalysis, Nash says he's ready for House to up his morphine. House does, and as it starts to take effect, he apologizes to Nash for not taking his case. Nash says he's sorry too, and that his daughter was the cutest six-year-old ever. And that's how he has to remember her since he didn't, you know, keep in touch with her except on his own terms.
Taub walks out of PPTH, followed closely by Hadley. "Interesting night, huh?" he says to her. Wordlessly, she opens up her shirt and flashes him along with anyone who happens to be hanging out outside of PPTH. Taub has no problem staring at the goods even long after they've been covered back up and Hadley is gone. I don't understand why she was so big on going through with the "dare" part of that game when she couldn't be bothered to fulfill the "truth" aspect, but at least we didn't have to end the episode with that downer dying guy.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, follow her on Twitter, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.
Watch full episodes of House.
TWoP's been nominated for a Webby Award for Mobile Entertainment. Please cast a vote for us here. Vote early, vote often!
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- 7
- 8
- 9
- 10
- 11
- 12
- 13
- 14
- 15
- 16