By Sara M
House decides that the star of his favorite soap opera has a brain tumor based on the way he reads his lines on TV, and kidnaps the actor to try to prove it. He manages to keep him at PPTH long enough for new symptoms to show up, like a paralyzed foot, kidney failure, a high fever, and then a coma, but he can't figure out what's wrong with the guy and the Cottages have an annoying way of demanding proof for his diagnoses through tests that keep coming up negative. Meanwhile, Cuddy has an accreditation inspector on her hands and wisely assigns Cameron and Foreman to House-watching duty to make sure her favorite employee behaves himself. House uses the situation to get the doctor's lounge flat screen put in his office, all the better to watch his soaps and call it research with. As for Wilson, he doesn't have to worry about the inspector as he's with CTB all episode, bickering over a new mattress. She wants him to pick out whatever he wants; he wants to give her whatever she wants. In the end, what he wants is a waterbed -- until he actually has to sleep on it, and realizes he hates it. Oh well! At least he got a sex scene out of the deal. As for the soap actor, House figures out he has an allergy to the flowers in his dressing room, and shoots the patient up with steroids before getting the test results back to prove it, risking the patient's life and Cuddy's job. When the results do come back, they realize that Evan the actor isn't allergic to flowers at all -- and yet, the steroids worked. It turns out Evan was allergic to the quinine in the tonic water his character drank. Cuddy is fined $200,000 for House's life-saving actions and takes back the flat screen TV. And Chase ran away from this episode in the beginning and was never seen again.
Dr. Brock Sterling prepares for an upcoming surgery by drinking from a flask. Nurse Marie is troubled by this fact, as Brock's patient is not only his fiancée, but also her sister. You've probably figured out by now that this is not a real hospital with real doctors, although they do bear a certain resemblance to House and his crew: An addicted doctor who doesn't play by the rules. And that's about it, unless Cameron and Biana end up being siblings rather than carbon copies of each other. Turns out, Brock and Marie are characters on the soap we saw House enjoying just last week. From what I've seen of the show thus far, it's just Brock getting close in the camera and drinking from a flask while some nurse in the background bitches at him. So that's pretty cool. The nurse decides that right now is also a good time to let Brock know that she's pregnant -- with his baby! What! Brock, you cad! How could you cheat on your fiancée? And with her sister, no less! And without using protection! Brock responds to the news by keeling over, and Marie tends to him. When she sees that his mouth is bleeding, she breaks character and starts freaking out. But Brock is just fine -- the blood is fake. Brock then launches into a speech that, from the reaction of everyone on the crew, he's made many times before: "The fans are crap, I'm crap, this whole damn show is crap!" He makes his way outside, where he's mobbed by, like, two crappy fans. He signs a few autographs and gets in his car. I wasn't aware soap actors got their own car and driver, but Brock is a superstar so maybe he does. He quickly notices that his driver isn't going in the right direction to his apartment and that all the doors are locked. We notice that his driver is House, who tells Brock he's about to save his life. Brock doesn't seem happy about this news, though. I guess he doesn't like surprises.
Meanwhile, outside PPTH, Cuddy is being annoyed by some official-looking guy who wants her to reposition the hospital's crosswalks so they're closer to the entrance. The man is an inspector from the accreditation committee, and he, too, is an unpleasant surprise: He wasn't supposed to be there until month, when Cuddy no doubt had an all-expenses-paid vacation planned for her star employee to get him the hell out of there. Inspector starts talking about hospital accreditation requirements, only to be interrupted by a town car roaring up to the entrance. House gets out and tips his chauffeur cap to Cuddy, who tells Inspector that she has no idea who this man is and would Inspector like to come inside right now please? Meanwhile, House is freeing his hostage from the car. Brock (real name: Evan) is understandably frightened, but House assures him that he's not a psycho fan but a concerned doctor, and Evan has a brain tumor. Evan seems to think he's both: "You're that nut-job doctor that keeps calling my publicist!" he says. House clarifies that he's the nut-job head of diagnostic medicine. And he won't let Evan die because then Anna will never find out he's the father of Marie's baby. Oh, House, don't be silly; If Evan died, they'd just recast the part. That's what Guiding Light did ten years ago. (Star Michael Zaslow had an undiagnosed illness; they fired him and recast the part. Zaslow's illness was later diagnosed as ALS, and he died like a year later. I haven't watched Guiding Light since.) House informs Evan that, in the last month, his average line reading has slowed because he's pausing every seven to nine words, which House believes is because Evan is having trouble reading one side of the teleprompter due to a tumor. Clearly, House has a lot of free time on his hands. He asks Evan to grant him one test to prove it, and if it's negative he'll drive Evan back home himself. Evan agrees to this as long as House gives him cab fare instead. "I don't want you near my house," he says.
In her office, Cuddy addresses select members of her staff, telling them to be on their best behavior for the accreditation inspector and not let on that they all think he's an "enormous pain in the ass." I think only Cuddy thinks that. Everyone else can't be bothered to care. With that, she dismisses everyone except for Foreman, Cameron, and Chase, none of whom should be in a senior staff meeting in the first place. But they have a special job to do during the inspection, as Cuddy puts them all on "House watch." Foreman is to keep an eye on House's current case while Chase and Cameron help file all of House's past cases. "I have a whole department!" Cameron whines, as if she runs the ER. I mean, they can tell me she runs the ER, but I'll never believe it. As for Chase, he doesn't bother complaining; he just makes sure that he won't get in trouble for refusing to do this and walks out. Thanks for playing, Chase! See you week! Of course, Cameron is a sucker, so she accepts the duty of filing all of House's past cases since she left, since he certainly hasn't bothered to do so himself. In fact, Cuddy says, she found some of them hiding in the fourth floor janitor's closet. I wonder if House's friend, the Weird Night Janitor Who Wears His Pants Backwards, was using them to study for his MCATS? I hope so, because then he can have all the medical training he needs for his spin-off series! As for Foreman, he claims that House doesn't even have a current case, but Cuddy points out that House is currently driving limos around the parking lot.
Evan takes a test to find out where the blind spots in his field of vision are while House pumps him for soap spoilers. Specifically, he wants to know who the father of the twins is. Evan says he's the father of one and Julio is of the other. House is thrilled with this tidbit, but Evan doesn't understand why anyone would even watch soaps. "Because [they're] awesome," House says. Evan says they're preposterous and completely unreal. House counters that all television shows are unreal. Point taken, but I still think last week's Wilson custody agreement subplot was overly silly. Fudging the medicine? Okay. Making adult characters act like creepy babies? Not cool. Foreman enters, and House already knows he's been assigned to House-watch during the surprise inspection, all based on Cuddy's behavior towards him in the ambulance bay. House informs Evan that he has significant vision loss in the upper right quadrant and will need an MRI to find the inevitable brain tumor. Foreman takes a look at the results and ruins House's fun by revealing that the test has actually come out just fine. "You lied to me?" Evan asks. House points out that he's already kidnapped him, so lying really ain't nothing. Evan takes off.
Wilson limps up to House at a medicine cart, and House immediately accuses him of mocking his limp while he gets something from the cart. Wilson says his back hurts from CTB's mattress. What a delicate flower Wilson is! (I got the cheapo special mattress from IKEA and my back is just fine.) House orders Wilson not to buy a new mattress, but Wilson says that's exactly what he and CTB intend to do and he doesn't understand what the big deal is. House says CTB turns everything into a "zero-sum game" and this will be no different. With that, he thrusts his cane into a closing elevator door, where poor Evan is trying to make his escape. It's his own fault, though; he should've taken the stairs. House and Wilson enter the elevator and continue their conversation. House says that CTB will lie, cheat, and trade in Wilson's balls to get what she wants, which, in this case, is apparently a great deal on a mattress. With that, House excuses himself from the conversation to drug Evan before he can finish dialing 911 on his cell phone. While Evan falls to the ground and Wilson just stares in horror (and yet, not so much surprise ... ), House concludes that Wilson will end up humiliated and sleeping on a mattress he hates. Wilson asks House what the hell he's doing while wondering if his presence in the elevator makes him an accomplice in the eyes of the law. "He needs an MRI," House just shrugs.
So Biana and Taub do the MRI while House tries on Evan's sunglasses. Biana wants to know why House sedated an adult for a simple MRI while Taub immediately recognizes Evan, so I guess House isn't the only guy at PPTH who watches soaps. House asks Taub if he watches because he knows House does or because Taub genuinely likes the show. "I was unemployed ... " Taub begins, ashamed. House tells Taub he shouldn't apologize for his viewing habits -- he should be loud and proud about them. Okay, fine! I watch Growing Up ... on Animal Planet because I love to see the baby animals! That feels better. Biana reports that there are no tumors on the MRI, so there goes House's brain tumor theory. He is 0 for 2 so far this episode, and it's barely started! A poor showing indeed. House is surprised at his defeat. Evan is probably even more surprised, as he has just awakened to find himself inside an MRI tube. House takes off, leaving Biana and Taub to convince Evan not to sue PPTH.
Oddly enough, they aren't having much luck with that as they share an elevator with Evan on his way out of PPTH. You'd think he would have learned his lesson about trapping himself in enclosed spaces with the people who work here, but no. Taub is hoping to at least get Evan to leave PPTH out "the back way," and Biana unwisely reveals that's because they're afraid he'll be seen by the inspector. Evan doesn't mind being seen by the inspector at all, so Biana tries to appeal to Evan's hatred for his captor by saying House hates Cuddy, so doing a favor for Cuddy would be bad for House. Her logic is shaky and it doesn't work. Or maybe Evan just has Stockholm syndrome, because as soon as he exits the elevator, he yells that the hospital is staffed with "lunatics and criminals" and demands to speak to Cuddy. Before she can get there, Evan falls over and demands to know what House did to his foot, which he suddenly can't feel. In fact, he can't walk. And just in time, too!
House, Biana, Taub, and Foreman watch soaps in the doctors' lounge with its awesome flatscreen HDTV. Marie is begging Brock to "examine" her. What a bitch! He's engaged to her sister! You guys, I hate Marie. Taub has fallen under House's spell, so now he too thinks Brock's dialogue sounds "a little forced," possibly due to stiffening of the tongue from myxedema. Biana chalks it up to bad writing. I'm wondering if the soap-bashing we're seeing during this post-strike episode has anything to do with the fact that almost thirty soap opera writers went fi-core during the strike while House's writers stood outside and lobbied for the benefits that both they and the fi-core WGA members would reap? I wouldn't blame them. I can't really blame the soap opera writers either, though. The ones who didn't go fi-core got fired and it's not like House is going to give them work. Also, Biana thinks she dated the woman playing Marie. Oh, she would, wouldn't she? Only Biana would date a woman playing a character who would sleep with her sister's fiancé! Biana pauses and waits for the men to sit forward, hoping for some hot lady sex stories, before deciding that she didn't date Marie. Foreman sees something odd in the way Evan is handling his stethoscope, and House says it could be a symptom of toxic exposure. Meanwhile, I don't see Biana contributing anything to this session except for stories about herself that aren't even true. And here comes Cuddy, who greets the scene with "What's this, the AV Club?" If it was the AV Club, they'd be watching Battlestar Galactica, not soap operas. Foreman claims this is diagnostic in nature, but Cuddy doesn't believe him for some strange reason. She calls House into the hall.
Outside, Cuddy tells House to work out his stalking issues when PPTH isn't being inspected. House says the hottest male daytime star dying at PPTH isn't exactly great press. I don't think anyone would really care, unless the story of how Evan was kidnapped and drugged came out. Cuddy says she just wants House to save Evan's life without breaking the law, and that fifty-one weeks of the year she lets him commit all sorts of crimes against his own patients. But this week, Cuddy's ass is on the line so she cares a little bit more. House says he'll do as Cuddy wishes -- if she puts the lounge HDTV in House's office. Cuddy doesn't get a chance to answer before Kumar reports that the nerve test was negative, so the foot numbness is a real symptom. House insists that this is the work of a nefarious toxin, and not because it means he'll be able to search Evan's dressing room and workplace to find it. Not at all. He tells Kumar to test Evan for all kinds of toxins and Cuddy to rethink how far he'd go to get her fired if she doesn't give him his TV.
Wilson has not taken House's advice, so he's spending his weekday afternoon testing mattresses with CTB, as neither of them have real jobs. Wilson likes a pillow-top model but CTB likes the one they're currently lying on, which is back-achingly firm. A salesman tells them the price is just under two thousand dollars. Wilson is about to ask about the price on the other mattress, but CTB interrupts him to put on her sad face and say that price is "too rich" for them. For you see, CTB is pregnant with their first child. The salesman offers to drop the price by a hundred dollars and give them free delivery. Oh my god, does that actually work? I'm going to tell everyone everywhere I buy things that I'm pregnant to get a discount! I might get some weird looks at the liquor store, but it's worth it! CTB isn't done yet, though. She says she's a lowly law clerk and Wilson was recently laid off. Wilson feels his balls being traded in for low, low prices but goes along with it because he knows that deals are awesome. CTB says the best they can do is fifteen hundred dollars and the salesman goes to check with his manager. CTB gets an emergency page from work and runs off to do some law clerking, leaving Wilson with the choice of which mattress to buy: The one he likes, or the one she does.
House is holding Evan's Daytime Emmy -- I wonder if they used David Shore's much-deserved Emmy for this scene. They certainly didn't use Hugh Laurie's, as he does not have one for reasons unknown to me -- and giving a speech into a mirror when his cell phone rings. It's Wilson, calling to gloat that House was all wrong about the mattress shopping; CTB is letting Wilson choose which mattress to buy. House warns him that that just means she's setting him up to make sure he loves her enough to buy the mattress that she wants. Wilson says CTB is not passive-aggressive like that, but House says she's aggressive enough to want to dominate all forms of aggression, including passive. With that, he hangs up on Wilson to talk to Marie.
Marie is a wealth of Evan information; his dressing room is lined with gin bottles because fans send them in honor of Brock's alcoholism. Wow, what a great gift. "Your character is an alcoholic, so here's to hoping you'll be one, too!" I wonder if fans send Hugh Laurie Vicodin. Oh, god. In real life, Marie explains, Evan doesn't drink and eats healthy fruits and nuts. Sort of like the ones House is eating right now, although House denies stealing them from Evan's room. House asks Marie if she's really going to marry Brock when some fans have been waiting for four years for him to marry her sister, Anna. Ugh, that just makes Marie's betrayal all the worse! I hate her! Man-stealing whore! Marie starts to wonder if House is really a doctor, since she doesn't think a real doctor would watch soap operas. House proves his worth by saying a big medical word and asks Marie about Evan's personal life and the vices he's sure it's full of. Marie denies him, though, saying that Evan is "as vanilla as they come." She even asked him out, but after a few dates things fizzled out. House wants to know if this is because Evan's penis was too big or too small, and between that and the soap watching, I'm starting to wonder about House's heterosexuality again. Marie says she doesn't know; they made out for a while and then Evan broken things off and went home. "He's a real gentleman," Marie says. House knows very well that there is no such thing.
"He's impotent!" House announces upon entering the conference room where, despite the late hour, Cameron is still hard at work on those charts. It's like she never left! But she did, and it sucks. I wonder if, had there not been a strike this season, they would have given Chase and Cameron more to do like they promised us. Somehow, I don't think so. House attributes the impotence to Evan's sunflower seed consumption, which could cause B6 toxicity. I'm thinking you'd have to eat, like, a sun's worth of sunflower seeds for that to happen, but okay. House says Evan "can't remember the last time he was able to salute," although I don't know if he actually got that information from Evan or is making it up. The Cottages seem semi-convinced, and House orders them to start Evan on plasmapheresis to filter the B6 they don't even know is in his blood out of it. Cameron sharpens a pencil as she casually mentions that just because Evan isn't getting hard doesn't mean he physically can't. The easily-swayed Cottages start wondering if the impotence is just psychological, and Biana recommends an overnight sleep study to see if Evan gets a "reflex erection." House says they've got a much simpler and faster way to prove this, and looks at Cameron. "I'm not showing him my boobs," Cameron says. Why not? You're already doing all of House's chart work for him. Why take a stand now? House turns to Biana and rather cruelly decides that her chest is not boner-worthy. "Where can I find a decent set of knockers around here?" House wonders. Wilson's got a decent pair of man boobs ... maybe ask him? But to spare Cuddy from the question House is sure to ask her, and probably in front of the inspector, Cameron helpfully reminds him that his porn is in his desk.
So they end up sticking Evan in a bed hooked up to monitors and toss him a porno mag and tell him to go to town. "This is humiliating," Evan says. Honestly, if the guy has psychological problems getting hard, how is putting him on stage to do it going to make it any easier? I should think even men with no physical or psychological problems would have some trouble in this situation. Biana and Kumar will be monitoring the test from behind some closed blinds to make it less humiliating. Also so they can talk about life and stuff. Kumar doesn't understand how someone with the "coolest gig ever" could be so unhappy. Is he stupid or naïve or both? Plenty of people with cool jobs have committed suicide. Biana asks Kumar if he's ever had a job that made him miserable. Kumar has not. I hate him even more just for that. As for Biana, she says she's "not particularly" happy as one of House's fellows, whatever that means.You know who would have been happy to be one of House's fellows? CTB. Or even Weird Beard. Give the job to one of them if you can't hack it, Biana. And while you're at it, get a name! At that, the Cottages note that Evan's vitals are climbing, just like, apparently, his penis. Biana scoffs that House was wrong again -- Evan's penis is performing just fine. Suddenly, the lines on Kumar's "tumescence monitor" go down. Kumar lets out a "poor guy" laugh as Biana asks if Evan has finished already. Kumar tries to help a brother out and explains that sometimes if you haven't released in a while it happens pretty quickly. Biana makes a mental note to stick with the ladies, who don't have all of this messy malfunctioning external wiring to deal with, and turns back to her monitor, where Evan's heart rate is through the roof. They open the blinds to see Evan clutching his heart. Heart attacks can kill a hard on.
After the break, Kumar exposits that they shocked Evan's heart back into a regular rhythm and he's stable for now. But they'd better keep everything sexy away from him from now on! Biana guesses they're looking at an "atypical septic reaction," to which Foreman points out that Evan would have to have a high fever for that. "Thus, the word 'atypical,'" Biana says. Um, what? When did she earn the right to sass my Foreman? Only people with real names get to do that. The Cottages struggle to come up with diagnoses until Cameron leans over House and suggests Graves Disease, which fits all of Evan's symptoms. House accuses Cameron of wanting to come back to him, and even offers to fire Biana to accommodate her wishes, but Cameron ignores him. Damn it! So close! House likes Cameron's diagnosis so much that he orders the team to remove Evan's thyroid. Taub thinks they should, you know, make sure the thyroid is the problem before removing "one of the most important glands" in Evan's body. Cameron supplies the name of the necessary, thyroid-function proving test. All you need to know is that in involves iodine. House pronounces this test a useless waste of time and says Evan's thyroid will kill him while they're waiting for the results. And yet, everyone except for Foreman votes to take that chance. As for Foreman, he shocks everyone by admitting that he thinks House is right, and that they need to take the thyroid out now. The Cottages follow him out the door. I guess they do respect him after all. Either that, or they're perfectly happy to let anyone else make the decisions for them. As it happens, Foreman has no intention of touching Evan's thyroid without doing the test first. He just knows that the only way House would go for the test is if he didn't know it was being done in the first place.
So while he thinks his team is performing a possibly unnecessary surgery, House is chilling in the morgue, eating some lunch and enjoying the company. Until Cuddy walks in and sees that he's got a whole morgue drawer full of foodstuffs, including -- which strikes me as hilarious for some reason -- an entire bottle of yellow mustard. I just want to know who left the drawer open with the dead guy in it. He's just lying there, uncovered and unchilled. That's not a good idea at all. And with an inspector about! It's about time those tattling, lazy morgue attendants got fired. Cuddy also notices that the food isn't even House's, but other people's stuff that he stole from the lounge. Between abusing the HDTV and stealing everyone's food, I can't believe House is still allowed in that lounge. Cuddy starts tossing everything into the nearest biohazard bin, saying that the inspector could have them all fired for something like this. House is aware of this, and is also aware that the inspector is actually on his way down to check out the morgue right now, which is why Cuddy is stopping by a few minutes early to clean up anything that might need it. House demands the HDTV in his office or else he'll show the inspector his new fridge. Cuddy refuses to back down, slamming the food drawer shut as the inspector walks in. House tells her to call him "Sweet Sauce" when she's ready to give into his demands. With that, he introduces himself to the inspector, who finally gets a name but who cares what it is? I like Inspector better. Inspector says he's heard House's name. "Most people have. It's also a noun," House says. Ha! There's a pause as House waits for Cuddy to give in and the inspector makes a frowny face which makes him look a lot like Beaker the Muppet. House then continues that he likes coming to morgue to relax or grab a bite to -- "Sweet Sauce!" Cuddy is forced to say. So now the inspector won't know about the morgue food but he will think that Cuddy is cuckoo. She loses no matter what. With that, she prompts House to make an excuse to leave, and he does, claiming it's time for him to read to some sick blind kids. I choose to believe that he really is on his way to do just that. On his way out, Cuddy shoots him a pleading look and he tells the inspector to skip drawer C-26: It's a floater. An old one. With mustard.
And the time we see House's office, he's having the doctor's lounge TV put up on his wall while his crappy old 12-inch TV makes its way back to the doctor's lounge. Oh, there will be a mutiny for this. They're going to take back their TV and put a special anti-House lock on the door and probably an anti-Wilson one too, just in case he gives his key to House. One of these days we're going to get an episode all about the rest of the people who work at PPTH and how they feel about their colleague, who's always running into their ORs and stealing their food and TV. And it will star Evil Nurse Brenda. I can't wait! Cameron says she's finally done with the files and lectures House on the importance of keeping them up-to-date, like that even matters. If House had any intention of keeping his charts current, he'd have done it once in his medical career. Nice wishful thinking, Cameron. House says prefers to think of his unkept charts as an experiment: He lets everything pile up until one of his fellows can't take it anymore and clears everything up for him. He didn't even have Cameron in the running this time, so he's surprised she was the one to do it. I'm surprised that Kumar wasn't doing this from the start to earn extra brownie points. This episode is full of surprises! House says Cameron clearly misses him. Cameron says it's the other way around, which is why House hired Biana to replace her. House tells Cameron to stop avoiding the question, and she admits that she does miss the job and the medical mystery solving. But she does not miss the boss. House seems stung by that comment, which I wouldn't have expected.
And now Taub gets his chance to tell Evan how awesome his life is while they wait for the tracer-filled iodine Evan has drunk to work its way through his system. "You must do okay with women, huh?" Taub asks. That's a weird question to ask your patient, especially knowing that he may have impotence problems and the last time he got an erection it caused a heart attack. Maybe sex should be an off-limits question at this point? "It's not all it's cracked up to be," Evan says. "He feels unfulfilled," Kumar interjects. Um, Kumar? No one asked for your opinion. Shhh. Taub thinks he has a special understanding of Evan's situation as he used to be a plastic surgeon, and people said his work was shallow and meaningless, too. But he also got to see boobies, so that was cool. "Meaning doesn't mean that much," Taub concludes. I guess he didn't do much work on child burn victims during his time as a plastic surgeon. Evan points out that Taub isn't a plastic surgeon anymore and asks if he's happier with what he's doing now. "It's complicated," Taub answers to both questions. So it's okay for you to ask your patient personal questions, but when he turns the tables on you, you get all elusive? Lame, Taub. Meanwhile, Kumar is trying to do real work, so he checks out the monitor and says Evan's thyroid looks normal. The monitor, however, does not. It seems brighter than usual. Kumar realizes that's because the tracer is actually everywhere in Evan's body because he isn't filtering the iodine properly. "His kidneys are failing," Taub reports. You'd think Evan would have noticed that sooner.
House is pissed when the Cottages report the news to him, as it means that they did not nuke Evan's thyroid as requested. Foreman points out that that's a good thing, since kidney failure means that the Graves disease diagnosis was wrong. Yeah, I'd be on my knees thanking Foreman right now for saving my job, but House is an ungrateful prick. Instead he accuses Foreman of almost killing Evan with all that iodine. Foreman says the iodine is only bad for Evan since he can't filter it out, and now they've found a new symptom. House should be happy about that. What House is really upset about is that Foreman didn't disagree with him to his face, but lied and went behind his back because he's afraid of the inspector. Taub tells them both to shut up because Evan probably has an autoimmune disorder and that means any one of his organs could be the to shut down. And some of them aren't as forgiving as the kidneys. House is still angry at his team for disobeying him, so he orders them to do some meaningless, busywork while he treats Evan all by his lonesome. Brat.
And now, Wilson and CTB make out and breathe heavily. You know, I have a hard enough time envisioning them as a couple and this scene doesn't really help. Fortunately, it ends quickly, as they flop down on the new mattress and CTB angrily reports that she feels a firm, CTB-approved mattress underneath her. Wilson doesn't understand the problem here; he got her the mattress she said she wanted. CTB says that's the problem; if Wilson chooses what CTB wants over what he wants all the time, he'll end up resenting her, just like he did all of his ex-wives; "Don't you dare do that to me!" I think that's a good point, but I'm not sure. All I know is that House was the one who told Wilson to get the CTB-approved mattress so somehow he knew all of this was going to happen. "What? Take care of you?" Wilson asks. That's not the right way to phrase things, Wilson. CTB points out that she's pretty good at taking care of herself. Guys, just get one of those adjustable-firmness mattresses they sell on TV and be done with it.
House reports to Evan's room with good news: His medical drama made page eight of a tabloid with nothing better to report. Evan, whose kidneys have failed and who has suffered through a heart attack since putting himself in House's care, asks House if he's as good as everyone says he is. House doesn't answer, instead asking Evan if he's as miserable in his work as everyone says he is. "I just want to do something that matters," Evan says. "Nothing matters. We're all just cockroaches," House says. Speak for yourself, House. I am not a cockroach. Cockroaches are gross. Can't we be ants instead? They work hard and seem to keep fairly clean. House says if Evan doesn't like the plane, he can jump out of it. And by that, he means you should learn to live with what you don't like, because if you jump out of it you'll die. Or get taken down by the flight attendants, which would be embarrassing. "We're all on planes. Life is dangerous and complicated and it's a long way down," House says. And that's why he knows Evan won't really change; he just comforts himself by thinking that he will. "Hope is for sissies," House says. Wow, someone took a depresso pill this morning. And with that, Evan starts talking inspiration and saying that he's going to use his second chance to be a better father to House, and his sister. Wait a minute ... House doesn't have a sister! And his father is R. Lee Ermey! He has Brock's speeches memorized well enough to know that Evan is reciting one of them right now. House asks Evan if he realizes that he's reciting lines from "last season." (Tsk tsk -- soap operas don't have seasons. They never go into reruns. There is no summer hiatus. That's why they're so amazing. And also why the writing and the acting might suffer a little bit.) Now it seems Evan has a fever of 106, so he's delirious and thinks he's Dr. Brock Sterling. I just want to know how someone can suddenly have a fever like that without there being warning signs along the way, such as a fever of 104, or 105. Shame on PPTH's medical team for not paying more attention.
During the break, Evan's delirium has turned into a coma, and his fever has ruled out an autoimmune disorder. House remains unaffected and says that the last time Evan's character was in a coma he fathered two children. Not if Evil Nurse Brenda has anything to do with it! She won't have any of that tomfoolery going on during her watch. The Cottages shoot around guesses as to what infection Evan could have, but Taub says it's pointless, since Evan will be dead by the time they get back any test results. Foreman says if it's a fungal infection, they'll at least be able to see it under a microscope and maybe be able to treat Evan sooner. So now Evan's only hope is that what he has is fungal. House is so worried that he leaves to "lie down" and "think."
He's lying down in a display bed at the mattress store, where Wilson is back looking for the mattress that he wants. House thinks aloud about Evan's case, bouncing ideas off of Wilson. So much for doctor-patient confidentiality. I wouldn't be happy if my doctor was yelling out facts about my case in the middle of a retail store. Wilson has an idea for House: He wants a waterbed. Do they ... even sell those anymore? I had a friend growing up who had a waterbed, and we all thought it was awesome except that it had all these rules. You could barely move on it for fear of popping the mattress and flooding the house. I do love how ashamed Wilson is of his own desires, as he says he's always wanted to be "rocked to sleep in water." He braces himself for House's mocking, which he's assuming will include saying that Wilson's waterbed desire has something to do with wanting to crawl into a big vagina. Why would that be anyone's desire? Talk about claustrophobia. House decides that Wilson's waterbed desire is "too sad" for mocking and continues his diagnosis instead. Wilson decides not to get the waterbed, as it would require special sheets and stuff. House tells him to shut up; stores apparently sell waterbeds and waterbed sheets, so Wilson should just go out and get one. Wilson says he can't be like House and indulge his every whim. Well, no, but when you're making doctor bucks and have always wanted a waterbed, I don't see the problem with getting one. As for House, he just got an idea about Evan from the floral comforter he's lying on. He tells Wilson that his waterbed desire is stupid but he should "live the dream" and takes off.
House tells Foreman that he's got the case all figured out: Evan's symptoms were caused by an allergy and not an infection, which is why he isn't responding to antibiotics. Foreman is dubious, especially since none of Evan's symptoms match that of an allergic reaction. For real, House. It's called a rash and watery itchy eyes. I'm allergic to cats, but I've never suffered kidney failure around them. That I know of, anyway. House says allergies could trigger "allergic vasculitis." Hooray! Vasculitis is so awesome. It pops up in the most unlikely of places and causes virtually any symptom! Foreman says this would be highly unlikely. One in a million odds, in fact. The reasonable thing to do is to keep treating and testing Evan for a septic reaction, which explains all of Evan's symptoms just fine. House says that if it is allergic vasculitis then the antibiotics won't help Evan at all and he'll die. He saw chrysanthemums in Evan's dressing room, which contain a known allergen. Yeah, but ... Evan isn't in his dressing anymore. Wouldn't the allergic reaction go away? Actually, wouldn't he have some kind of allergic reaction that went along with the allergic vasculitis? Okay, I'll stop. TV isn't real. House wants to give Evan steroids for the allergic vasculitis, but Foreman says that could kill Evan if House is wrong and it really is an infection. He thinks they should at least test if Evan is allergic to chrysanthemums before treating him. Of course, House says they don't have time to wait for tests. I don't know why not. The scratch test takes like ten minutes and Evan's in a coma, so he's not going anywhere.
House heads for Marco the Pharmacist and asks for a huge dose of steroids. Marco doesn't want to give House so much medicine without a note from House's mom -- I mean Cuddy. That's protocol, and Marco's not going to break it with the inspector around. By the way, there's a reason why they put hospital pharmacists behind secure, locked doors. That reason is so that crazy people can't go walking in and take the drugs they want. But Marco doesn't lock his doors, even with the inspector about. So that's exactly what House does while Marco dials Cuddy to tattle.
House is about the administer the steroids to Evan when Cuddy comes in. She informs him that he's about to give his patient an overdose of steroids (as if he doesn't already know this), and that House needs to get the allergy test results back before doing anything. House says they don't have time. Cuddy counters that if she had gone along with House's protocol-avoiding ways earlier in this episode, Evan would have unnecessarily filtered blood and no thyroid. That's a good point, but House doesn't want to hear it. Cuddy says that stakes are high: If this inspection doesn't go well, then she'll be fired. And so will House. House tells her to go outside, wait three minutes to give him time to administer the steroids, and call security. Then she'll be covered if anything goes wrong. House, I'm guessing, won't be so lucky. Cuddy apparently decides to go down with the ship: She just gets all teary and asks House to let her know if Evan dies so she'll have time to pack up her desk. But she doesn't think that will happen really, does she? Or else she would have taken the easy way out or called security before House could administer the drug.
Music montage! Cuddy paces around in slow motion looking concerned. She paces outside of Evan's room, and then she paces outside the lab where the Cottages are allergy testing away. An unconcerned House plays with his cane and ball. The montage comes to an abrupt end when Cuddy informs House that the lab results just came back, and Evan is negative for all floral allergies. House was wrong! Evan's gonna die! Everyone's fired! Shit, this should be the series finale. Even the usually cool House looks alarmed. He follows Cuddy into the hall, and she says she's on her way to put Evan back on antibiotics -- assuming he's still alive.
But when Cuddy gets to Evan's room, she's shocked to see him awake and looking healthier. "The steroids worked. House was right," Foreman says. Cuddy doesn't see how; Evan was negative for floral allergies. Evan doesn't seem to care who was right or wrong as long as he's better. "Thank you," he tells House. "I was wrong. You should've stopped me," House says, glaring at Cuddy. Aw, she just can't win.
She really can't win, since the inspector somehow found out what happened and is not pleased. Cuddy says the results speaks for themselves: Evan is alive and not in a coma. House's treatment worked and a life was saved, even though he had to break protocol to do it. The inspector says that the rules exist for a reason, and everyone has to abide by them. Even, and especially, the people who don't think they do. And with that, he just sits down and starts talking about Chase, saying "I noticed Dr. Chase -- " before they cut the scene off. I wonder what the rest of his sentence was. I'm guessing it's "Actually, I didn't notice Dr. Chase. Is he even on the show anymore? What's up with that?"
CTB rolls over on her new waterbed with cheesy gold sheets. She sloshes around, but she's alone; Wilson is gone. She finds him sleeping on the floor of the living room. He says he can't sleep and he hates the waterbed. CTB says she kind of likes it. "It's awful!" Wilson says. "We're returning it tomorrow." Do waterbed stores take returns? Will any mattress stores even let Wilson and CTB in to buy a third mattress after reports of their rampant mattress buying and returning spree make their way around town? CTB curls up beside Wilson and says she's glad he got the waterbed. Wilson says he is, too, but he's worried they won't take it back. CTB says she'll make sure they do. I have a feeling Wilson's balls will be traded in once again, but he doesn't seem to mind.
House is still up, watching DVDs of his soap to figure out what went wrong. Brock is talking to a blonde girl this time, and it's Anna!!! Wow, she's finally feeling better from her coma. But she's pissed because Brock went and got engaged to that horrible Marie while she was unconscious. Brock drinks his gin and tonic, and House drinks his bourbon ... which gives him an idea. I guess alcohol and Vicodin to House works like spinach to Popeye. (By the way, the dialogue in this soap scene is really funny, if you can hear it. Something about the Lady Slipper being the best nightclub Port Lawrence has ever seen. Why would Anna even bring the Lady Slipper up in the middle of her talk with Brock about Marie? Anna is weird.) He calls Cuddy. She's asleep in bed (non-water) but answers. "Don't hang up!" House says. Cuddy says House's little steroid trick got PPTH a $200,000 fine. "You should've been fired," House says, so concerned. Anyway, moving onto more important matters, i.e. stuff House cares about, he noticed bubbles in Brock's gin and tonic -- the prop guys put tonic water in Evan's glass. Brock started drinking gin and tonics two months ago, which was around the same time that Evan's symptoms started. Evan, House says, is allergic to the quinine in tonic water. "Nice job," Cuddy says sincerely. "You should've been fired," House says again, also somewhat sincerely. He should've quit while he was ahead -- now Cuddy says she's taking the TV out of his office. Ha ha! "What are you wearing?" House asks. And then they say good night to each other. Aww!
What ails the staff at PPTH? We've got the diagnoses.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, which she occasionally updates when she's bored at work. Or you can try your luck emailing her at saramorrison@gmail.com with news that some Nigerian king died and she stands to gain ten percent of his fortune if she hands over her bank account info.